One Last Time

Well, I haven't been here for a very long time, for a few reasons (quite important to me, though...), so I'm sorry If anyone who remembers me took the offence...

This poem was written after, simply put, death. It's a long story, but it resulted in several things, one of them is this poem. So, after a while, I'm interested in the different opinions about it. Just for the note - it was written day after the occasion, and, well, it bears some not very pleasant aftermaths...

One Last Time


Crowded streets seem to be empty,
The sunny weather turns so cold,
Suddenly loss holds you tightly,
And you know – the hope is gone.
Sorrow takes over, over the night,
Tears flow gently, sealing the sight,
Words are useless, thoughts are dim,
There's nothing, but a silent scream…

Some are praying, others crying aloud,
And some – cannot make it sound,
Grief resounds in each painful mind,
Hearts cannot accept what they find.
Tears, tears, tears are flowing down,
This dreadful event had cut down his sound,
Thy friend is gone, he won't come –
He's lost in the mist of the last dawn…

The lost one became a guardian angel,
His smile will be saved in our minds,
He's gone into infinity meadows of heaven,
And his story will be saved in our hearts.
So let us take each other's hand
And feel his presence one last time,
Let us hope, let us say again:
It'll be alright, it'll be alright –

We will continue living,
And remember this for all time…


With much respect and hope for approval of my reappearance,
Aust.

Hello, Roon here!

I really liked this, you clearly portray a sense of loss, we can all relate to this. It must have been hard for you to write, your emotion really comes through in this piece. There is just one thing I would change:

cannot make it sound,

Maybe say cannot make a sound?

Apart from this, I thought the poem was very heartfelt, it was a great read. You have a clear talent for poetry. Your rhyming isn’t forced, as rhyming so often seems. I especially liked the line:

And his story will be saved in our hearts.

It was well placed, and really suit’s the mood of this poem.

Thank you for posting this, it is clearly very personal, it was a beautiful read, so thank you.

~ Roon

This one looked liked it had come out straight from a funeral sight.

All the emotions that surface after a person dies was brought out very accurately.

This dreadful event had cut down his sound,

A good line telling how he could no longer communicate with the world.



Some are praying, others crying aloud,

And some – cannot make it sound,

Grief resounds in each painful mind,

The most accurate observation.


You certainly seem to be good at poetry

Keep writing.

First of all, thank you for the comments.

I really liked this, you clearly portray a sense of loss, we can all relate to this. It must have been hard for you to write, your emotion really comes through in this piece. There is just one thing I would change:

Quote:
cannot make it sound,

Maybe say cannot make a sound?

By "it" I meant the grief, but you're right, it's kind of difficult to realise that right away.

Young gun,
You're right, it was written at the night after the funeral. Thanks for your comment.


However, I would like to ask for building comments, how can I improve this poem, to make it even better, how can I rewrite it, maybe, to the state, where it could be more, erm, general, fit for each and every one, and not only to me...

Aust.

Hi!

On first impressions, this is quite a good effort. I understand that this must be a very personal piece to you so I'll try and be as diplomatic as I can with my criticism!

There's some decent imagery in here - "Grief resounds in each painful mind" is memorable for its appeal to hearing - but much of it sounds oddly forced. The use of the archaic possessive "Thy" is puzzling, but it seems you're trying to add religious overtones to the poem. Make this subtler, if this is your intention - perhaps include images related to baptism or hymns, for example. The triple stressed phrase "Tears, tears, tears..." is clearly meant to elicit a sympathetic response from the reader, but to my mind it seems artificial. In fact, much of the repetition makes little impact because you've used it a few too many times. Repetition for effect is only one weapon in the poet's arsenal; there are many others, some frequently overlooked, such as alliteration, assonance and pacing.

Much, if not all, of this poem consists of end-stopped clauses: try experimenting with enjambement (letting the sense of the sentence run over from one line to the next). Look for newer, fresher insights into your subject matter. Try describing things in terms of food, for example (mint-tinged eyes, or caramel voices).

But this isn't a bad start. Focus on your message, prune away anything irrelevant (make every word count!), add some sparkling imagery, and this should be well on its way to being a powerful poem!

Hope this helps! If you need further help, don't hesitate to PM me.

Good luck!

Gahks