A Light in the Distance

Please excuse all the dots... It wouldn't allow me to keep the empty spaces
there. If it's annoying, please tell me and I'll try to change it for you.

Now, I'm horrible at poems, so I'm sorry if this is terrible. Please rip it apart. ^-^


Blinking ever-brightly in the darkness...

I stare into the night sky watching as it f
a
l
l
s
The brilliant streak of light behind it fills me with hope.
Should I close my eyes and make a wish?
No.
Star wishing will do nothing.
I can only depend on myself to get things done...
not on senseless wishes.

A pang of loneliness fills me as the light disappears.
There's no hope anymore; I've used it all up.
Just like the shooting star, it's gone forever
only leaving memories behind.

Sudden movement across the sky catches my gaze,
a new star trying to reach across the horizon.
Could it be that there really is hope left?
Is this star a sign of a beginning...
and not of an end?
There's only one thing I can do

so I close
my
eyes

You shouldn't call yourself terrible at poetry, as a.) it could make people less willing to read your writing and b.) it's not true.

The imagery isn't bad, to say the least. The poem as a whole is vague enough for many people to understand and relate to but still personal enough to evoke some emotion.

It could be improved, however, with attention to rhythm. Keeping a pattern, at least within verses, can give it a more poetic feel.

Hey Mira!

I have to admit that the moment this page loaded, I was all like "Dots! Bad!" but then I read your A/N. It's a bit weird it wouldn't keep the spaces – with me they worked fine when I copy/pasted the work into the submit box, the spaces already being there. Hopefully you'll work that out, because the dots are indeed a bit disturbing.

A pang of loneliness fills me as the light disappears.

The "pang" was a bit in-your-face for me. I know what you mean by it, and how it feels, but I think you could find a better word to bring up the image. I felt that it was too out of place, maybe because it can also be considered an expression of noise? I don't know exactly what it is, but it's something, and I advise you to consider the other options.


Okay, so the major problem is probably the lack of uniqueness, if you will. The poem was sweet, but I feel like I've seen it all, or most of it, before. The subject and the setting gives you opportunities for much more to almost no end, yet you restrain yourself from reaching further. The poem shows potential, but now it's kind of stuck on the level one. And this impression was given to me by the careless way you say, for example, "sudden" and "shooting star" – it's all been done before, and as a reader I can't but feel a little disappointed about how you seem to take some things for granted, when I know you possess the ability to go further and really awe me.

I hope you don't get me wrong. I'm just trying to psyche you up into trying something you may have not tried before. Imagine yourself as a reader. What do you enjoy finding in a poem? What are you not a fan of? I myself like to be surprised. The most enjoyable reading experiences I've had in here have come from something that's interesting and sort of clever at the same time, like "Hey, I wish I'd come up with that" kind of feeling. I've had to say many times, but think of other ways you could say something obvious. For example, if you're describing a shooting star, readers won't be interested if you just say "shooting star". You have to think three-dimensionally, so it won't be like "Yeah, sure, a shooting star, whacha gonna do".

In any case, this was a good effort, and you do show potential. Just keep writing and it'll be easier and easier to get what I meant, because I might have been a little confusing. Just PM me, though, if you have any questions!

See you around!


Demeter
xxx


(By the way, I edited your A/N, because it was stretching the page. Don't worry, I didn't erase anything, I only did a line break to that one part.)

Hello, Saphy! June here!

[You do poetry? I did not know this!] Anyway! I think this is a creative start, dear, but it could use a bit of work. So, let's begin, and you have my permission to shred anything of mine (or me) if I'm too harsh. xD


As I just mentioned, you have a good start, though there's things that could be improved. To start, I don't really like the usage of adverbs/descriptive words ending in ly in poetry. Your poem should be built on solid words, words that can paint a clear image in our head-- avoid using "ly/y" ending words as much as possible, dear. As a result, you'll have a cleaner poem.

Eliminate telling words, too. See here:

•I stare into the night sky watching
•The brilliant streak of light behind it fills me
•I've used it all up.
•catches my gaze,

See, all of these are kind of boring! You can achieve the same, or similar meaning without these. Using /I/ so often in poetry kind of dries out the poem for the reader-- if you can, try writing without making it directly personal to you. If you create a scene that the audience can envision for themselves, you're doing an excellent job.


Don't tell us, show us. Create the scene, give us images, dear [I know you can] don't tell us everything that's going on, because if you do, there's not much difference between a poem and a story other than line breaks.


Keep writing, Mira! Nice work!

June

Plus points:

Amazing use of psychology.

Interesting display of how the narrator changes his/her mind.

Parts of the poem catch deep attention of the reader.




This might help you improvise on this post:

"Should I close my eyes and make a wish?

No."

No makes the line excessively short and disorganised.


so I close

my

eyes

You might want to add ............. to give a finishing touch.


Put you're potential to good use.

All the best.

Wow, that was really deep. I'd say that it was really good!! (deffinatelly better than any of my haikus) You made it seem like a person who had given up all hope who was just dwelling in hopelessness then, the shooting star made her think that maybe there was hope left. It kind of reminded me of my friend who used to have lukemia. I really like the poem. As we say in Texas, It wasn't half bad! LOL. (of course i'm sure people say that everywhere so nevermind.)

Wow! You should do more of these! Seriously!!!