You're Not Perfect

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I've been told that, quite a lot, but I never thought I was perfect. Just because I was a model, doesn't mean anything. I've worked my butt off, and everyone just thinks I have a peachy crème life. I don't. I struggle every day. Between school, friends, home, and modeling I never get any free time to myself.

Are you wondering who I am? Well, it's me. Me, as in Charlie Rae Smith. I'm 15 and I'm a sophomore. I go to a private high school. Its called Pine Hills Academy. I have wonderful friends, but they think I need to focus on them twenty-four/seven, which I hate. And if I don’t focus on them then I need to focus on boys. Of course boys are going to want me; I'm a natural blonde, with big blue eyes. And I'm a model. Being a model makes me more popular than the cheerleaders.

"Charlie, what are you doing?" screamed my best friend, Jill, with her eyes popping out. "You know that I was coming here to take you to meet my cousin. And you're sitting here in front of your computer with your pajamas on and you haven't taken a shower!"

See, and this is exactly why I hate having friends who think they need me to date their cousins. Now Jill is pretty her self. With Light brown hair and big soft caramel eyes.

"I know, I know. You don’t have to scream at me. I'll go take a shower and get ready. I'll be ready in 15 minutes. Alright?" I asked her.

"I guess. Its just that we have a double date in an hour. So I wanted to make sure that you were getting ready. And I didn’t mean to yell at you. Its just that I am so stressed. My little sister is killing me." Jill explained to me.

I jumped in the shower, and took the fastest shower I have since I was a little girl. I got out and put on my mini jean skirt and an orange tank top with a white half sweater. I applied black eyeliner.

"Crap!!" I screamed. I smudged my eyeliner down the left side of my face.

Jill came running in, out of breath. "Why did you just scream?" she asked, panting. She looked at me laughing. "Why did you do that. We have to be there in 30 minutes. So c'mon."

I grabbed a paper towel and wet it with cold water. I tried scrubbing off the eyeliner that ran down my face. But you could kind of still see it. So I took my foundation and put it all over my face. You couldn't notice it unless you were looking for the line.

I applied some shiny, pink lip-gloss. Checked my outfit twice. Then applied some bronze eye shadow. I was already to go.

Since Jill is 18, we usually go to parties and stuff. She was a model with me in till the modeling company fired her. She tried finding more modeling, but no one needs any more models. She was furious, but she got over it.

"Good your ready. Do I look good?" Jill asked me. She was wearing a tight really, really short, black dress. Of course it was strapless. And she wore little make up. And with hot pink converse sneakers. She looked really good.

"Ha-Ha, your funny. You look amazing! I wish I was as pretty as you are," I told her.

"Well. Your prettier then me. My modeling agency didn't even want me. She wanted you. Everyone loves you. All I'm known for is my partying and wild reputation."

"No your not, "I told her, "Your known for your great pictures, too!!"

We got in the car. Her car was brand new. It was a red convertible. This was her 4th car since she was 15. Jill lights up a cigarette.

"Want one?" Jill asks me.

"Umm. No thanks," I tell her.

We got to the Red Barn. And when they say red barn they literally mean a red barn. The floor was filled with peanuts and there where just like barn things. Which I don’t know how to explain.

"I thought we were going to a club?" I asked her.

"Oh we are. They just wanted to meet us here, so we can have dinner first."

"Alright, then I guess we find a table."

"Jill! Jill! We're over here," 2 boys were saying. One had brown skate boarding hair. And the other one had blonde surfer hair. The brown haired one had green eyes. And the blonde on had blue eyes. They were both wicked cute. I couldn’t wait to find out which one I was having a date with.

They walked over to us. The brown one hugged Jill and the blonde one kissed her. So I'm figuring I get the brown haired one.

"Hey Cuz, what's up? You ready to have a wonderful night?" the brown haired one said. Then he turned to me. "You must be Charlie? I'm Shane."

"Hey."

Jill turned to me. Holding the blonde haired one hand and said, "This is Lucas. I forgot to tell you. We used to date in freshmen year. And he's best friends with my cousin."

All of us walked over to the table. There were already two drinks there.

Lucas said," I didn’t know what kind of drink you guys liked, so we," pointing to him and Shane, "figured that you could order them when you girls got here."

The waitress came and we gave the waitress our order. Then all the attention got turned on me.

"You did a really great job on that modeling thing, were you had to advertise the shampoo. I can't believe I'm on a date with you!" Shane exclaimed.

"Thank you. But can we just forgot that I'm a model tonight. Pretty please." I asked him.

Shane seemed to understand.

"Stressed. Eh?"
The food came so I was very grateful. We ate in peace with just little small talk. Then we, well the boys did, paid for the food. Then we went to the club.

When we got to the club. They checked every ones I.D's except for me.

"Aren't you that model that is like super famous?" the bouncer asked me.

"Yeah. I'm Charlie Smith. How about you?" when I said this I winked.

"Well nice to meet you Miss Smith. I'm Harry Reynolds." the bouncer said.

"Back at ya. I'm just here to have a good time. And be with my friends."

He looked at us again and muttered, "I just carded another model."

We all knew who he was talking about Jill.

"Don’t worry about it. I'm used to be carded," Jill told us, "Ever since my model agencies didn’t want me. So don’t worry about it."

"I knew you were that girl on the commercial get Fun Light. The cable one. Oh… did I love that one!" the bouncer just kept on staring at us. I don’t know why. I think he liked Jill.

"Well are you going to keep two models who are waiting impatiently to go in the club any longer?" Jill asked, in a bad mood. Her face expression was sour.


The bouncer looked liked he just got hit by a Mac truck. He muttered a sorry and opened the door to let us in. The place was really loud. And as soon as I walked in every one stared at me. I was worried. What if someone took pictures and posted them.

Chapter two.

Then those mysterious dark eyes stared at me. I felt a chill go down my back. Who was this person? And why did he feel the need to stare at me. You could tell he knew me. Or at least saw me somewhere. Perhaps on my commercial. Jill and Lucas ran off to go talk and dance. I got left with Shane. And I lost sight of the boy with eyes that could hunt you down like you were a tiny mouse and they were a big, dark, hungry lion.

I told Shane that I would be back in a minute. I tried to follow the mysterious boy. I finally found him. He was getting a drink at the bar. I went up to order a drink. And…..

"Ahh," I screamed. I was scarred when someone grabbed my from behind, then I heard laughter. I turned around, disappointed that I didn't see were the mysterious boy went to. As I turned around, I noticed that Shane was the one that grabbed my waist.

Shane started cracking up, "I knew you would get scared."

"Well, you got me," I said. Shane put me in a bad mood. I really wanted to find out who that mysterious boy was.

"There you guys are. Lucas and I have been looking all over for you people. And, " Jill says, turning to me, "Charlie and I have to go to the bathroom.'

She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd. We finally got to the bathroom. The line was a mile long!

Well, Jill knew how to take care of it.

"Excuse me, excuse me. Two models coming threw. Move out of my way. RIGHT NOW!" Jill screamed.


We made it to the front of the line no problem. Jill drags me into a stall. And she leans onto the toilet and starts puking. She looks at me with tears running down her face. Her eyes are glassy from crying. She tries to tell me something.

"I-I-I a-a-a-m-m…...." Jill starts saying. Then she puked again in the toilet.

She looks up at me. "I am so sorry that I had to ruin your night." She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

She got up and leaned on the stall door. It was cold in here. And if Jill was puking then I bet she must be freezing.

"Jill, I'll drive you home. And I'll sleep over. If you want me to," I tell her.

"No, No. You stay here and have fun. Go home with Shane. That’s why he's here. Duh." She tries to let a little laugh out. But the look on her face says it all. She's really sick. And someone needs to bring her home. "I'll just let Lucas bring me home. And you can stay here with Shane. I am so cold. Call Lucas. Tell him to," Jill stopped, suddenly. And leaned in the toilet bowl again, and did it all over again. She sits up and looks at me. "Where was I? Oh.. I remember. Tell him to come in the girls bathroom and get me."

I grab her cell phone out of her Coach purse. And look through her contacts. I found Lucas's name. I call him. He picks up.

"Hey, Lucas?"

"Yeah, where are you guys?"

"I need you and Shane to come to the girls bathroom. Jill is kind of, well, she is puking."

"Alright, I'm on my way right now. Stay there."

"Okay, thanks. Bye."

"Wait! What stall are you in?"

"Second one."

I hang up. I look at Jill. She looks scared and disappointed. I feel bad for her. Jill is the one that wanted this double date. And Now she will have to go home.

"Jill," I say softly, she looks up at me with tears in her eyes, "Lucas is coming in right now."

As soon as I finish saying that. Guess who walks in. Lucas.

"Jill, baby, I'm right here." Lucas says as he takes her in a big hug.

"Lucas will you please take me home," Jill asks. Jill's tears start to fall. "We really need to talk. And its not fair for me to ruin Charlie's date. So will you?"

Lucas sighs, "Yes, Jill, I will take you home. So we can talk. But I don’t know why you need to talk to me. Remember we just had a talk like a week ago."

Jill gives Lucas a look. It makes Lucas pretend to zip his lips and throw away the key.

Jill turns to me, "Charlie I am sorry I ruined your date. Please forgive me. We will come back another time. Just you and me." She gave me a hug and said, "Text or call me later. Love you like a sis."

Lucas and Jill went walking out. People taking there pictures. Some girl, who looked no older than 14, came running up to Jill. And said, "Jill, you are my role model. I want to be a model like you. So can you please take a picture with me and sign my back. My name is Jesika. Can you please?"

Jill sighed, took the red permanent marker form the little girl, and wrote, 'to Jesika. You'll make a great model one day! Xoxo Jill.'

The girl grinned from ear to ear. And ran to her friends, who had there jaws drooping to the ground. Jill and Lucas continue to walk right out of the club. I found Shane quickly. And I knew that little girl, Jesika, would make a great model one day. She was pretty. Like picture pretty. With long black hair with streaks of pink. And ocean blue colored eyes. She had a great sense of fashion to. Jesika wore gray skinny jeans with a long-sleeved black shirt with a hot pink scarf.


Chapter 3.

Shane looked at me, I knew he wanted me to go home with him, but I said no way!

Shane asked me, "Ready to go home?"

"Yeah, do you know where Circle Drive is in Princeton?" I asked in a disappointed voice. I was disappointed because I never found out how that mysterious boy was.

"I thought you could just crash at my place. Aren't your folks out of town? Because they'll just think you slept at Jill's," Shane said.


"No, Shane, I really want to go home. I'm exhausted and I want to be alone."

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Please tell me what you think!! Thank you for reading it!

[b]
Last edited by jessie2009 on Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Points 16930
Reviews 180
pretty!! I really liked it. well, you already know I love your story,there were some mistakes though. Your spelling was good this time.

And why did he feel the need to stare at me.
Needs question marks

You could tell he knew me. Or at least saw me somewhere

I think a comma would look better here

Someone grabbed me. I was scared. Then I heard laughter.

I think it would look better like this: I got scare when I felt someone grabbing me, but then I heard lughter.

Jill drags me into a stall.

You're writing in past tense right? Because if so, drags should be in past tense.

Jill sighed. Took the red permanent marker form the little girl. And wrote,

geet rid of the periods here, commas are better

She was pretty. Like picture pretty. With long black hair with streaks of pink. And ocean blue colored eyes. She had a great sense of fashion to.

Again, the periods. in to, you meant too, right?

This is how I think it would look better:
She was pretty, like picture pretty, with long black hair with streaks of pink and ocean blue colored eyes; She had a great sense of fashion to.

Shane looked at me. I knew he wanted me to go home with him. But I said no way
Look at this sentence. Wow, hihi, you're breaking down sentences. that happens to me, I put periods where they are not needed, and commas instead of periods. So, acomma after him would look better.

Jesika wore gray skinny jeans with a long-sleeved black shirt with a hot pink scarf.

I think that instead of with you put and.

Tell him to come in the girls bathroom and come and get me."

You repeated the verb twice, and it wasn't necessary

So, this is my review. I like your story very much. This are just my opinions and as I told you before you can take them or leave them. It's nice that checked your first chapter, because it shows that you're willing to correct your mistakes. And about the breaking down sentences, well,am not the best in that either, but we'll both learn (hihii).
Keep me updated please and please tell me everytime you post a new chapter.
keep in touch
Nice Job
pudin.juni :lol:
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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I couldn't finish it. I stopped at "I need you and Shane to come to the girls bathroom. Jill is kind of, well, she is puking." Ohmygawd this person is supposed to be human? She sounds rather robotic, if you ask me, which you probably won't because my opinion is far from polite.

Seriously, who wants to read about some perfectly beautiful model girl anyhow? It's boring, that's all. Ooh, a mystery guy who was staring at her. Apologies, cara, but this isn't exactly the first time we've read a story like this. It's not particularly interesting, honestly.

Why? Why? Because no one in it has any character! There aren't any quirks to their speech, no affects, no lisps or things like that. They talk like little teenage girl robots, blab about boring stuff that should be in their little fictional diaries, and slobber over two generically 'cute' guys who they meet at a crappy restaurant.

Sorry, hang on a second. *Yawn*

Where was I? Ah yes. My main point, cara, is that while there are some instances in which this could turn out interesting, you have blocked them all with huge glow-in-the-dark signs simply by failing to develop or really even create your characters.

Suggestions? Redo it. If you have to write about perfect models and their selfish friends, that's your thing, but it isn't as fun to read as it is to write, especially when they're all so very droll. I know you can fix this, do it better, do it right, but only if you start by getting yourself a good hook for your story, just at the beginning, and some characters that we can connect with, and understand.

That's my bit. Thank you for reading, and I hope to see the revised version of this real soon. =D

<3Reeker
She sells seashores by the seashell. Sorry, we turned it downside-up because there was only one seashell left and plenty of seashores to go around.




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The whole tenses point is sort of driving me crazy [I'm sorry, I ususally really don't mind it.] see, you slip from past to present and it's very confusing. I thought she was excited about the date - she needs to have another motive, or you need to explain better, why she would want to chase after a boy she doesn't know, in the midst of a club. If you don't, it just comes out that she's childish and does what she thinks at the moment at all that. Now, I liked the beginning of chapter 3 [really cute!] And all in all, I like it. I've told you I do - despite the tenses and grammar problems, it's good. Work on that and it'll be even better! Hope to see more of you soon
ofir
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow



The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything.
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