Recovery

Like a glass ball,
If held
With too much,
Or too little
Attention,
It shatters;
Leaving only
Ruins.

She watches as
it falls,
Tumbling
Down,
To crack,
To fragment,
To a hundred
Thousand
Million
Splinters.

She scrapes
Them to her dying hands,
These shards of perfection,
Clinging to hope,
Her only hope.
They slice into her hands and heart,
But
She feels no pain.
Nothing
could burn through
this emptiness.

Grasping at what could have been.
She stabs them into her broken body,
Bleeding.
Yearning.
Longing.
Wishing them
to be
a part
of her
again.

Wow, first off, this is beautiful! Just a little bit of nitpicking though:

With too much
Or too little
Attention,

Should have a comma in there as such:

With too much,
Or too little
Attention,

And maybe one after little as well, but I’m not sure

Apart from that, I love that bit, how if you obsess over something, try to hard to be careful, you will break it.

These shards of perfection

Should be a comma after perfection

Grappling at what could have been.

Should be grappling with, or maybe you meant grasping at?

She stabs them into her broken body

Maybe a comma after body, but again, I’m not sure.

Well, these are only very minor errors. I loved this, it’s so beautiful, and towards the end chilling. Fantastic, I loved it, keep writing, let me know if you post anything else! I really enjoyed this, so thank you!

~ Roon

Here as requested! I'm sorry I'm so late!

Ok! First thing I notice as a pedantic Lit. student -- Milton? Where?! You can't name anything "Paradise Lost" without it being assumed you're referencing Milton, at least to me, so when I don't see a connection in the work to Milton, other then some very tenuous and very "zomg I'm being an incredibly snobby Literature major" connections, I have to veto the title -- besides, I think you can do better then to rely on a Milton title to title your work

Second thing I notice -- the lines, wait, what? Having really short lines and a couple of long ones just doesn't look right visually -- especially since I can't see that you're shaping your words in any way, like to form an image quite literally on the page. I'm not knocking short lines, I think they can be used very effectively, but an entire poem of them gives me a headache to read. That said, it is a stylistic choice. So! Those two first impressions out of the way, I'm going to copy this, and pretty much go by lines. Remember, don't take my word as law! Just someone who reads too much poetry, and likes to pretend she can write it as well.



Like a glass ball,
If held
With too much,
Or too little
Attention,
It shatters;
Leaving only
Ruins. Ok, I love the image. That said, this image would make a good title. Put this entire thought in five words or less, and use that as your title -- it also then segues nicely to the next stanza, which would then be your first. The advantage of this stanza lies especially in what you have as your first two lines: they're a hook!

She watches as
it falls, Good lines
Tumbling
Down,
To crack,
To fragment,
To a hundred
Thousand
Million
Splinters. I'm a huge fan of concise, so I tend to drive everyone else to distraction with how concise I want to make everything, so! What I want to see with the rest of this stanza is two things: one, scrap the above, but keep the idea, describe the shattering of glass to me; two, make me care about it. It seems to me your speaker cares, but why should I? I'm not drawn in past the first two lines, since there's no image for me to connect to the shattering, let alone to connect the "she" to why she cares, or what is shattering.

She scrapes
Them to her dying hands,This is a cool image!
These shards of perfection,
Clinging to hope,
Her only hope. careful, hope is relying on a contrived idea, not your own power of words, unlike the line right below, which I really like, and has potentially to be incredibly powerful, depending on what you do around it, and how/if you alter the above
They slice into her hands and heart, << I love this image, here, and honestly, I would end the stanza there, if for nothing else but to emphasize the image
But
She feels no pain.
Nothing
could burn through
this emptiness. Cliche! Emo! I want to feel emotion, not be told what to feel when I read. Make me feel!

Grasping at what could have been.
She stabs them into her broken body, I don't think this is nearly as effectively used or placed as the line in the previous stanza, and if anything it detracts from it
Bleeding.
Yearning.
Longing.
Wishing them
to be
a part
of her
again. "Wishing...again" I really like. And I think it would work better not so chopped up in presentation, but that's me.

Just a couple other notes: one, make sure you have a very clear image of what the glass and its shattering represent. I feel like you're floundering a bit in its meaning, and it's affecting your writing. My suggestion would be to take the elements you absolutely love from this poem, and determine exactly what you were thinking when you wrote those (if you aren't sure on your metaphor, that is), and use those to expand the rest of the poem. If you're not sure, I would look at what I really liked, which yes, is incredibly arrogant of me, but they're what I liked the best -- maybe find a connection within those lines, and work from there.

Rambling aside, though! You have some really strong images and lines that I can't wait to see reworked. Good luck! If you have any questions, want to throw things at me, or want me to explain myself better, just ask!

Bek

Hi there!

Um, I'm with Mesh on this one. You reference Milton's epic narrative poem "Paradise Lost" in the title, yet you fail to follow this up with some kind of allusion to it, the characters or the plot. (In any case, I strongly recommend you read it! It's fab!)

You seem to have used mostly short lines and lots of enjambement to give the poem energy, but it ends up jarring the reader, particularly when you break on "But." Unless you want to deliberately achieve the disorientating effect of this, I would avoid enjambing on ickle words like "so," "and" or "but." Then towards the middle, the flow of the poem is interrupted by these really long lines that weigh it down. I would suggest trying to find a compromise between the two; if you want to emphasise the tension between the speaker and the subject, why not alternate long and short lines? (See my poem "The Man on Wire" for an example.)

In some parts of the poem, you begin each line with a capital letter, sometimes you don't. Is this deliberate? Please explain! If it is not deliberate (and means you have written this in a blind rush, then posted it), maybe proofread a couple of times to check for consistency. See the poem from the point of view of "the reader over your shoulder" - i.e. us!

As Mesh says, some of this piece shows careful thought, with some interesting language choices. However, in other areas you fall into the poet's trap of letting big words like 'hope' and 'fear' take over in order to convey emotion, rather than focusing on the the actual experience at hand. You need to remember that abstract emotion words are exactly that - abstract. The best way of turning inaccessible abstraction to accessible concretion is through imagery. Imagery - and fresh, bold imagery at that - is so effective because it details what these words mean to the speaker, and therefore the reader. I would urge you to read some decent published poets: you may not be able to write like them yet, but you can certainly look up to them for inspiration. Any craftsman must learn from the masters!

Hope this helps!

Gahks