Summer

The scorching sun,
The blazing heat,
Pounding down,
Onto the street.

A whirlwind of lotions,
Bikinis and tans.
Painted nails,
Magazines and fans.

Packing all you need
For a warm, new place.
Then cramming more;
Stuffing the case.

A crystal pool,
Cool anticipation.
A stretch of sand,
It’s warm temptation.

Winding down
For a week or two,
Experience the bliss,
Admire the view.

The sorrow of leaving,
Of packing again,
To go back to England
And back to the rain.



Ok so i know it's not great and everything but i had to write something. Hey, i live in the UK, sun is a big deal for me!

As much as I don't like these kinds of rhyming poems, I have to say this surprised me. When I started reading I kind of thought this wouldn't be good, and yes, it isn't my favorite kind of set up for poetry, this poem is great.

I don't even like summer but this poem made me want to experience it.

My only issue, the last stanza felt forced in the rhythm and rhyme. If you went back and worked with it, I'm sure you could fix it, besides that, I don't really have anything else to say. Wish I did though. Good job.

Hey Aqua ^^ Shina here for a review

The scorching sun,
The blazing heat,
Pounding down,
Onto the street.

A whirlwind of lotions,
Bikinis and tans.
Painted nails,
Magazines and fans.

I'm going to agree with the other review, this is a nice list of things you do during the summer.
The ryhme scheme doesn't eat it up here, but we'll see about the rest...

Packing all you need
For a warm, new place.
Then cramming more;
Stuffing the case.

The rhyme scheme here is a bit forced, it's also lacking some syllables.

A crystal pool,
Cool anticipation.
A stretch of sand,
It’s warm temptation.

The second line doesn't flow and "cool" and "pool" are really similar in sound.

Winding down
For a week or two,
Experience the bliss,
Admire the view.

I don't think "winding" is the right word.

The sorrow of leaving,
Of packing again,
To go back to England
And back to the rain.

No Heading back to the rain.

Ok so i know it's not great and everything but i had to write something. Hey, i live in the UK, sun is a big deal for me!

This poem definitely made me feel good about living in the sunshine ^^ However, sometimes it's too hot here @_@ Over 100 degrees.

Overall:

This was a cute little poem, you just need to work on those few stanzas that have a forced rhyme.


-Shina

ah thanks, sorry it's bad but i just got back from holiday so i had to write something, i have been waiting for a bit of sun for a year! we've had our week of summer over here.

Ps. Too hot? That's just unfair!

ehhh did anything else happen ? and who was with you ? and other spefic details would be nice..

i myself didn't like it... sorry.. but here where i live.. we get frozen over for the winter and then baked in the sun and it feels like 10x hotter lol...then when we get used to it... its already becoming fall..

so i have a tendcy to stay inside and hang in cave like rooms with my friends.. lol...

the rhyme was okay too...i didn't mind it... it didn't feel forced any where for me... i was like oh hey look rhymes..cool.. but other than that i'd like more details to maybe why you like it so much not what you do ? and how it makes you feel and what not..

sorry =/..;.still no good...at this

ehhh did anything else happen ? and who was with you ? and other spefic details would be nice..

don't know if this sounds stupid but it wasn't actually about my holiday as such. it was more about how summer can be percieved in general. not very deep but there you go.

sorry you didn't like it but as I said - i know it's not my best.

Dhanyavaadaalu

Aqua X

AquaMarine27 wrote:

ehhh did anything else happen ? and who was with you ? and other spefic details would be nice..

don't know if this sounds stupid but it wasn't actually about my holiday as such. it was more about how summer can be percieved in general. not very deep but there you go.

sorry you didn't like it but as I said - i know it's not my best.

<b>Dhanyavaadaalu</b>

Aqua X

what is dhanyavaaadaalu ? lol...

and don;t be sorry that i didn;t like it,..so this is the idea to what it'd be like eh ? now i like it a bit more..

It's thanks in Telugu. in my attempt to become multicultural i'm learning thank you in as many different languages as possible and then writing them after reviews - then i remember them. i'll never go there but it can be my party trick hey!

Dhan Waad (that's punjabi)

Aqua X

I like the ending to the poem; it was certainly not cliche at all, although I expected differently, considering the title.

One suggestion I might have if for you to be consistent in you rhyme scheme and wording. The syllables might need editing and switching around, to make it ring better when read aloud. It was sort of awkward to me, coming across those two rhyming stanzas, when the rest of the poem went freehand.

These are just a couple of suggestions, but overall it was a very nice poem; short, sweet, and to the point.

This is good. I love the fact you enjoy the sun as much as I do. I can never get my poems to rhyme quite as nicely as yours. Good job, keep writing!