The Beginning of Two Kings

Once upon a time there was a blacksmith and his twin new born sons. The blacksmith, being the best in his craft and wanting more for his sons than what he had to offer, made a deal with the apprentice of The Black Wizard. If he could get the Black Wizard to make his children kings when they came of age, he in turn would forge from the fires of his shop a weapon powerful enough to kill the Wizard and grant the apprentice his place. The apprentice, being young and power hungry, agreed having already heard of the blacksmith’s talents.
He began convincing the Black Wizard to make the blacksmith’s children kings and in return the blacksmith would be so grateful he would create a staff strong enough to hold the Wizard’s power, for the Wizard could only wield a certain amount of his power in the staff he now held. Pondering upon the apprentice’s words, the Wizard decided to create the potion that would make the children's blood royal thus making them kings. The apprentice then passed the news onto the blacksmith and demanded for his weapon to be made, but the blacksmith was no fool.
That night, the blacksmith made his way to the Black Wizard’s castle, having told the apprentice a few hours ago that he needed him to retrieve a specific plant in order to give the weapon its power and sent the young man off on his quest.
Granting the blacksmith entry, the Wizard sat and heard the man tell him of the apprentice's malicious intent and of how he came to the blacksmith ordering him to make a weapon strong enough to kill the Wizard. Enraged by the tale told to him, the Wizard left his castle in search of his apprentice, leaving the blacksmith behind. In his outrage of the betrayal, the Wizard left the potion he had created in the room. The blacksmith, spotting the little red vial holding the future of his children within, took it and fled the castle.
Tales of the Wizard’s search to find and kill his apprentice reached the young man. Filled with fear of his punishment if he was ever found, the young apprentice went into hiding. But the Wizard’s rage and determination ran deep; he would never rest until his apprentice was found and punished for what he had done.
Years passed and the Wizard never returned to his castle. The kings who once ruled the lands to the East and West became too frail and their places were taken by the blacksmith’s children. And there on the throne to the East, to rule for years to come, sat King Daniel and to the West sat his twin brother King Jarred.


And so begins A Tale of Two Kings…

Hi Elia92,
Your story definitely has the feel of a fairy tale to it. Your plot was solid enough, but I think you should slow it down a bit. (It moves kinda fast.)
Your characters were a little flat, I didn't feel anything towards them, and you made the father seem rather selfish. (Ruining an apprenticeship to put his son's on the throne.) If the man had such talents, why wouldn't that be good enough for his sons? (Just curious.)
Also you make the two children Kings before it ends, not leaving anything to make someone come back to read more. What else could happen? All they can pretty much do is run a Kingdom.
~Zanna

I get what your saying but this is actually only like a prologue to the actual story. As it continues there will be some kind of flashbacks to the short story explaining the father's reasons and it'll get more into the details of the characters.

And yes what they do is rule but there are challenges, quests, the wizards return, and a lot of other things. That's why it's titled The Beginning of Two Kings, and the actual story A Tale of Two Kings.

Hello, Elia!

I really liked the plotline you established. The twists and turns in the betrayal kept me interested. The backstory alone could be its own story.

However, it felt a little bit rushed. I understand the fairy tale feel you were trying to add, and you definitely accomplished that task, but I would like to see a little bit more detail in some of the events. Maybe you could add a few play-by-play pieces amidst all of the summarizing. For example, play out the meeting between the blacksmith and the Wizard. Add a bit of dialogue. You don't have to take out all of the summaries, but just enough to add a bit more action.

Along these same lines, I noticed the potential for a good description or word choice multiple times. Note that I used the word potential. You used some good word choices in there, but their effectiveness was toned down by their being smashed into the middle of a fast-paced sentence. One example:

The blacksmith, spotting the little red vial holding the future of his children within, took it and fled the castle.

I loved the word choice in bold. It was creative and poignant. However, the reader could've soaked in those words a bit better if you made a completely different sentence using that phrase. Slow down the action a little bit, and try cramming less things into a single sentence. You have an unlimited supply of paper. Use it up.

I noticed a major example of sentence-cramming here:

He began convincing the Black Wizard to make the blacksmith’s children kings and in return the blacksmith would be so grateful he would create a staff strong enough to hold the Wizard’s power, for the Wizard could only wield a certain amount of his power in the staff he now held.

So many concepts, so small a space! Separate the main ideas in this sentence (the apprentice convincing the Black Wizard, the blacksmith forging the staff, and the Wizard's current staff being inadequate) and give each one the attention they deserve. Explain why the Wizard's staff could only wield a small amount of his power. Emphasize the lie the apprentice is telling his master. It will really enhance your plotline and hook your reader much more effectively.

So, all in all, you have a good idea on your hands. Slow it down a bit, and it'll be even better.

You have an outstanding imagination. I read your other story and both of them are beautifully written. In this one, though, i felt that things happened tooo fast. And I would like to know who this apprentice was because his only mentioned as well as the blacksmith's sons. I would have liked a little more details in it.
And that's all for me because I really like your writings, they are awesome.