As I lay

Lover who woke me as I lay, I dreamt of you
Taking sight of past suns, till gaze withdrew
With eyes not of green but blue.

Let lunar gifts lift you to stars behind your eyes
Have brown earth rest you, till you rise again wise
Wake to hear the new days sighs.

Evening becomes night, liquor flows to boozy heights
Music fades as dawn creeps, till last song, dance of the night
Renewed plight begins at first light.

Seasons fall from memory since being seduced by all night city
Gentleman claims your hand, you pretty he witty
Fates river washes away past pity.

Time promised life’s riches rife, to courteous wife
Jewels gold diamonds for appointments ,with kitchens knife
Mind burdened by wicked strife.

Henceforth let bestowing ceremonies die, afresh youthful wings fly
Taste the last apple pie, time to tell this lying city goodbye
Anew world opens on this new July.

Farthermost pub young imbibers dome, she sat at bar laced chrome
“Can I bribe some of your time dear” “no sir don’t be queer I already got a beer”
Gins sin harsh grin tells me I should be heading home, But soft fingers take my glass, she want to go for a roam
We roam nowhere till dawn, she take me a stranger home.

We lay past midday light, no stirring to late afternoon
She tells tales of her life, undressed stories, with no ending soon
“Sir will it be ending soon” “I don’t know dear, ill tell you next new moon”.

Hey Ian ^^ Shina here to do a review for you

Lover who woke me as I lay, I dreamt of you
Taking sight of past suns, till gaze withdrew
With eyes not of green but blue.

The first line has a tense issue. "Lay" is a present tense verb while "woke" is past tense.

*Til' not "till."

Also, the rhyme scheme seems to be eating up the poem here. Choose meaning over rhyme, otherwise, it'll fall through the seams. The critics can see the parts that don't flow.


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Okay, I'm going to have to skip to my overall.

Your rhyme scheme is eating up your poem. I can tell that you chose your lines to fit the rhyme, even when they didn't make sense. This poem lingers a while on imagery, and it's not revelant to any type of point it seems. Just choose meaning over rhyme. There's nothing wrong with free form. Also, read your poem out loud. That's the best way to check it out

-Shina

Hello there! And welcome to YWS!

This poem has some real gems in it, but there were also a few spots that gave me some trouble.

"With eyes not of green but blue." You have to admit, this one was a stretch in order to make it rhyme. The first two lines went along so beautifully, and this was a bit painful. There weren't any other major rhyme scheme problems.

Also, the second to last stanza did not match the pattern the rest of the poem followed. I understand that this is an important part, the climax of the story, but I had to read it a few times to not trip up. The story element was great. All the factors of the typical plot diagram were present, and it was interesting. The second stanza was excellent. I love the first line especially. Nice job.

~Alyssa

Hey!!

First impression:wow.

The only thing is that as said before, maybe the 'not of green but blue' is a little too much to digest, but really I'm no expert on poetry.

What I do know is there's something about this that makes me go 'wow.'
It's got a different little mix of darkness and innocence about it.

I'm sorry if I'm not much help!!
But I like the kind of sad romance about it.
Still, sorry, I know I'm probably not a great help with tense and grammar and all!!

And welcome to YWS!