Let Me Love You(10)

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Chapter 10

A necklace? Two golden ropes intertwined with each other and a clasped at the back. Hanging as a pendant was a plain golden band. Isabella’s eyes twinkled in the evening light. She picked it out of the box and read the inscribing on the band.

Let Me Love You

She studied it, holding it up and twirling it through her fingers. What is this for? She was still thinking when her hands drifted themselves around her neck with the necklace in tow.

His heart nearly palpitated out of his chest. Why is it taking her so long to put it on? Does she really love me like she says she does?

The sweat dripping down Gary’s temple, and his shaky hands made Isabella laugh. He doesn’t need to be so nervous. Doesn’t he know I love him? She put it around her neck and kissed Gary.

The heat radiating off of him made her jump on the inside. She was so excited she lost control as her tongue slipped into his mouth, and she gave him a taste, just a little taste, of what was to come. What he was waiting so long for. When they pulled apart Gary gazed into her beautiful blue eyes.

“So, Mr. Perfect, what is this for?” Isabella asked as she wrapped her warm hands around his waist and landed her head along his chest.

“Well, it’s like a promise. A promise that I will always be there for you. No matter what.” Gary slid his hand down her flaxen hair, “ Ya know, for a minute I thought you were going to throw the box at me and run away.” He stilled his hand along her shoulder blade and looked down at her trembling smile.

“I was thinking about it.” Isabella smiled broadly, ad Gary felt the color slowly run away from his face.

“Oh, come on, I was just joking. Gary, its beautiful, and you’re a beautiful person. I really want this to work too. I love you.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek.

“Good,” Gary replied relieved.

What is she trying to do kill me? I mean, I know she was only joking, but is that doubt I see in her eyes?

She wrapped her arms tighter around his waist and kissed him once more. So deep in passion they didn’t feel the first few droplets. Gary pulled away flustered, wanting, but then she felt it.

“Ah!” Isabella exclaimed, as she began to laugh.

“I’ll race you home.” Gary smirked, unlacing his hands from behind her.

“No, lets stay here, in the rain.” She held out her hands to collect the rain as she twirled around like a princess.

Just as crazy as it seems, they began to dance. Gary hummed a tune in her ear, and tangled his fingers in her tasseled hair. She nuzzled her nose on the inside of his shoulder, and smiled, smelling the sweet scent of Gary.

They two stepped until the rain grew lighter. Isabella’s eyes began to get heavy, and she let out a soft yawn. Gary looked down and smiled. Quickly he lifted her off her and started towards the house.

“No, Gary, I’m to heavy for you to carry all the way to the house.” She tried getting down by kicking her feet, but that had gotten her no where.

“Oh, come on. Your exhausted,” Gary replied as Isabella wrapped her arms around his neck in surrender.

As he got closer to the house the rain completely stopped, and he could hear soft slow snores coming from Isabella. He smiled as he stumbled over the entrance to the living room, and laid her on to a couch.

Her tucked a piece of hair beneath her ear as he whispered, “Good night, my angel.”

***

The sun shone brightly into the living, making a glow around Isabella as she arose from sleep. Yawning, she felt stiff and smelly in her damp clothes from last nights rain, so she quietly walked up the steps and slid into her bedroom to change.

She looked into her dresser draws for a nice pair of jeans and a snug t-shirt, but what she saw on the bed was much more inviting. Gary’s Ohio State shirt was lying on top of his grey sweat pants. She picked them up and wrapped them around her. They were so comfortable, ditching her clothes she hoped Gary wouldn’t mind.

Isabella walked downstairs and peeked around the corner into the kitchen. Gary and leaning back in a wooden kitchen chair sipping coffee, and reading the paper he had tight in his right hand.

His hair was a mess from the nights sleep, and he still had on a pair of flannel pants with a soft white Hanes t-shirt on. He looked scrumptious. She could just eat him all up; he looked amazing. He caught her staring at him and smiled.

“Morning, how’d you sleep last night?” Gary asked getting up to make Isabella a cup of coffee.

“I slept really good, thank you.” She took the cup of coffee and sat next to him.

In the morning light she looks just like an angel, Gary thought. He sat there staring at her, when she looked over at him and smiled.

“What are you looking at?” She asked softly. I hope he’s not mad that I’m wearing his clothes. Maybe I should go change.

“At how beautiful you are in my clothes. I wish I looked that good in them.” Gary got up and wrapped his arms around her shoulders as he let out a soft chuckle.

Her cheeks burned as they stayed still, just holding onto each other. When Isabella’s mind started racing, and her body was aching.

“Well, I’m going up stairs to take a shower after being in the rain all night, and by the look of the shower upstairs I say there’s room for two,” Isabella said mischievously.

“I see, well, I think I would like to take a shower too.” Gary chased her up the stairs. She giggled like a school girl all the way.

Isabella stopped in front of the bathroom door making his body slam into hers. She pressed her hands to his chest and smiled catching her breath. He kissed her luscious lips until he had his full and looked back down at her.

“Let me fix the water just right.” She walked into the bathroom and leaned over the tub adjusting both the hot and cold faucets.

Slowly Gary watched her undress, and he felt the urge to kiss her all over. He smiled as she caught his watching eyes. He quickly dumped his clothes onto the floor, and they both got under the shower head.

“You know, I really want to get clean, not just fool around.” Isabella smiled.

“Well… I can help you.” Gary got the body wash out and started rubbing it on her back in small simple circle.

“Hum, that feel’s so good.” Isabella turned around and kissed Gary long and slow.

They made love until the water got cold; then they rushed to get under the covers, where they got tangled in the sheets. She fell asleep in Gary’s arms, so peaceful.

As Isabella woke up she felt a little nauseous, but paid no attention to it because today they were leaving. With out waking Gary she slowly and quietly got out of the bed and pulled out both of their suitcases.

Gary stirred and rolled over. He squinted his eyes in the morning light.

“Babe, what are doing?” He sat up and rubbed the sleep dust from his eyes.

“I’m starting to pack our stuff. I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” She stopped packing and sat back on the bed with a hand in between his shoulder blades.

“No, you didn’t. It was time I woke up anyway. Let’s go have breakfast; then I help finish packing.” He landed a sloppy kiss on the side of her neck before the both got up and headed down the stairs.

***
After all the packing was done they jumped in the truck and headed home. In between Isabella’s short naps she just couldn’t stop sneezing. Once or twice Gary would look over with concerning eyes. He would take her hand and squeeze it, then let her sleep. As the finally slowed into the drive way a miserable Isabella woke up.

“Are you ok?” Gary asked handing her a tissue from the glove compartment.

“Yeah, I think I caught a cold from being out in the rain,” she said as she blew her nose.

Isabella hoped it was just a cold, but she also knew it could be something else. It was time for a doctors visit and soon.
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Blast you Rascal. You've got me into this! Thanks a lot! But, I have to say, this just keeps getting better and better. But not quite perfect.....yet!

He stilled his hand along her shoulder blade and looked down at her trembling smile.

I don't think saying that he stilled his hand is quite right. You might want to say he paused, his hand resting gently on her shoulder blade. You choose.

His hair was a mess from the nights sleep, and he still had on a pair of flannel pants with a soft white Hanes t-shirt on.

When you say the nights sleep, you might want to reword it. Something like, His hair was a tangled mess of bedhead from last night's sleep.
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I also hate being on television, I hate it as much as people hate chocolate. But they always want chocolate.




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Blast you Rascal!! You've gotten me really into Romance now! Thanks a lot!
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I also hate being on television, I hate it as much as people hate chocolate. But they always want chocolate.




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Heya Rascalover! I'm here to review as requested. ^_^ Let's get down to it!

I. Nit-Picks

“ Ya know, for a minute I thought you were going to throw the box at me and run away.”

Put an apostrophe on "Ya" to say that it's informal.

“Oh, come on. Your exhausted,”

Change "your" to 'you're.'

What is she trying to do kill me?

Put a comma after "trying to."

Isabella smiled broadly, ad Gary felt the color slowly run away from his face.

"ad" should be 'and.' I also don't like that the color "ran away from his face." Perhaps it drained from his face?

“No, lets stay here, in the rain.”

Change "lets" to 'let's' and take away the second comma.

The sun shone brightly into the living, making a glow around Isabella as she arose from sleep.

Add 'room' after "into the living."

“I slept really good, thank you.”

Change "good" to 'well.'

“Hum, that feel’s so good.”

There's no need for an apostrophe in "feel's."

As the finally slowed into the drive way a miserable Isabella woke up.

Change "the" to 'they.'

With out waking Gary she slowly and quietly got out of the bed and pulled out both of their suitcases.

Make "with out" one word.

Once or twice Gary would look over with concerning eyes.

Take out "concerning eyes" and just put 'concern.'

II. Believability

It seemed a bit cliché, though. I felt like I've read this before, and I was just waiting for someone to surprise me. Maybe at the doctor's office we'll find a surprise...? I'll be looking forward to finding out!

III. Characters

It seemed that while you were getting wrapped up in all the romance, you forgot to show the reader who Gary and Isabella really are as people. I'd have liked to see their personalities shine a tad more. It's very common to get thrown more into the writing the romance rather than the characters, and even though this is the tenth chapter it's not all about the love story. I wanted to see them more as people who make a mistake here and there rather than both describing each other as perfect. I understand that they can seem perfect in each other's eyes, but I want to see them doubting themselves, maybe tripping over words or getting nervous. When Isabella was doubting herself when she wore Gary's clothes is similar to what I'm talking about. Just go deeper.

IV. Overall

I enjoyed reading this chapter, because the scenes with Gary and Isabella were very sweet. I found a few punctuation and grammar errors, but that's about it. PM me when you have the next chapter up! :D
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Thanks so much for the review :) Its greatly appriciated
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Hey! I'm here to review!

The heat radiating off of him made her jump on the inside.
It seems weird to jump on the inside because he's warm. Jumping seems like she's surprised or somehting.

“I was thinking about it.” Isabella smiled broadly, ad Gary felt the color slowly run away from his face.


“Oh, come on, I was just joking. Gary, its beautiful, and you’re a beautiful person. I really want this to work too. I love you.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek.


“Good,” Gary replied relieved.
Did you mean "and" where is says "ad"? I would combine the first two paragraphs. And a comma after "replied" I think.

Gary pulled away flustered, wanting, but then she felt it.
This sentence is confusing. It seems like you're calling Gary she.

She nuzzled her nose on the inside of his shoulder, and smiled, smelling the sweet scent of Gary.
Maybe say "smelling his sweet scent" I think it sounds better.

Quickly he lifted her off her and started towards the house.
Did you mean to write "feet" after the second her?

She tried getting down by kicking her feet, but that had gotten her no where.
Maybe rephrase this sentence to "She kicked her feet, trying to get down, but he just held on tighter." Or something like that. The wording now seems a little strange to me.

“Oh, come on. Your exhausted,” Gary replied as Isabella wrapped her arms around his neck in surrender.
"Your" should be "You're" You can tell because you could replace it with "You are"

The sun shone brightly into the living, making a glow around Isabella as she arose from sleep.
Do you mean "living room"?

Gary and leaning back in a wooden kitchen chair sipping coffee, and reading the paper he had tight in his right hand.
"And" should be "was" And maybe replace "had" with "held"? You don't have to on that one, but I think it would sound better.

They were so comfortable, ditching her clothes she hoped Gary wouldn’t mind.
This is a runon. You could change it to "They were so comfortable. She hoped Gary wouldn't mind as she ditched her own clothes." Or something like that.

He looked scrumptious. She could just eat him all up; he looked amazing.
Take off "He looked amazing" because it's repetative.

When Isabella’s mind started racing, and her body was aching.
Take out the "When"

“Well, I’m going up stairs to take a shower after being in the rain all night, and by the look of the shower upstairs I say there’s room for two,” Isabella said mischievously.
She says "By the look of the shower upstairs," But I'm confused... whose house are they at? I probably just don't know bceause I haven't read the previous chapters.

He kissed her luscious lips until he had his full and looked back down at her.[/qote] I think you meant "fill" not "full" and for me, luscious seems like a weird way to talk about her lips. It almost seems like that's what a commercial would say about their lipstick or something. There isn't anything wrong with it, though. It's just my opinion.

"Babe, what are doing?” He sat up and rubbed the sleep dust from his eyes.
Add a "you" after "are"


Overall: I feel like the ending is a little weird because it seemed like she thought the sneezing could be some sort of fatal disease, and if I was sneezing a lot, I wouldn't really think that. But I guess she was nauseous too, so that adds to it.

It seemed a little strange how at first Gary was like really nervous and self-concious but then he wasn't at all. I don't really have a good feeling for your characters. Maybe add in a few details here and there to really make them individual.

It was really cute, and since I haven't read any of this story before, I don't really know much about it, but I liked what I read. Good job! PM me if you have any questions.
... :D ...
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Thnk you so much for the review :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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I love it! I hope you are writing more. I didn't fond any mistakes but hey i stink at that.. I want to know if she is pregnant or not. Hope you keep writing!!!!!!!!!





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OH my God ! I love it, it's so romantic!! This is the first one I read so I don't know much about Gary and Isabella' story. BUt from what I've read, I love it. I like the intrigue you created at last, not knowing if what Isabella had was just a cold.

Now my little review:

A necklace? Two golden ropes intertwined with each other and a clasped at the back
I think you meant clasped at the back, because tha a makes the sentence sound a bit awkward


What he was waiting so long for.

Quation mark is missing.

As he got closer to the house the rain completely stopped, and he could hear soft slow snores coming from Isabella.

I think a comma would work between house and the.

Isabella walked downstairs and peeked around the corner into the kitchen. Gary and leaning back in a wooden kitchen chair sipping coffee, and reading the paper he had tight in his right hand.

I think this might look better like this:Isabella walked downstairs and peeked around the corner into the kitchen to find Gary, leaning back in a wooden kitchen chir sipping coffe and reading the paper he had tight in his right hand.

As Isabella woke up she felt a little nauseous, but paid no attention to it because today they were leaving

A comma between up and felt and take out the comma between nauseous and paid.

With out waking Gary she slowly and quietly got out of the bed and pulled out both of their suitcases.

Comma between Gary and she and with out is just one word: without.

Overall: I liked it it was so romantic. Although the dancing in the rain was a bit cliche, I loved it. I'll read the other chapters later (backwards lol). As i always say, this is are just recommendations you rightfully can ignore.

I really enjoyed it
Hope you keep writing
PUdin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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Thanks so much :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Aww! How romantic! Although I was expecting a ring... A necklace is nice, too, though. It just would have been sweeter if he was proposing. I loved the way you mastered the art of the cliff hanger. In the last chapter, you left us wondering if Gary was proposing, and now I want to know how sick Isabella is.

I think everybody else got all the nitpicky stuff, but I would like to say, you're doing a great job with the showing. Very little of this chapter was telly, and I loved it.

Over all, you did a fantastic job, and I can't wait for the next chapter!
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)




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Thank you so much, Ive been wondring how i was doing with showing vs telling. :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury