Social Life

Social Life
Chapter 1

Brett stared over at Bridget as she sat on the end of his bed. She was so sexy, yet casual, as if she didn't even try. Her sandy, blonde ,medium length hair rested on her shoulders untamed. Her fresh face stared down as she unzipped her favourite blue suede boots. She was wearing that perfume Brett found so irresistible. She had her comfy, casual coffee coloured jumper dress. Brett poured the wine into the two glasses and walked over towards her. He handed it to her. She sipped it and held with both her hands. "Thanks." she said quietly. "What were you doing out in that rain?" Brett asked. "I don't know, I was trying to get a cab back home but luckily you were here Brett," she said. Brett sat down next to her on his bed, her perfume even more irresistible. "Doesn't this remind you of the time it started to rain a few summers ago?" he asked smiling. "Yes, when it was really hot and then we had that sudden down pour, we were in my back garden and we took our clothes off and ran around!" she said excitedly the memories flooding back to her. Brett put his glass on the bedside cabinet.

"I've really missed you," he said leaning in. "Ive missed you too," Bridget replied. He brushed her hair with his hands and took in her irresistible perfume. He put his nose to her neck and sniffed taking in her perfume. He started to kiss her neck long,sensual kisses. She sighed, he was satisfying her needs. She turned to face him. She looked into his blue eyes, so dreamy and sexy. "Brett stop. Your too irresistible and I have this overwhelming feeling that I want to go all the way with you but I cant" she said. "Why?" he asked puzzled, he was satisfying all her needs. "Brett, you know I'm with Blake if he found out well..." she trailed off. "He doesn't have to know," Brett said. She stared at him wide eyed, he smiled his cheeky, cute smile. Once again Brett leaned in and kissed her lips, so delicate and soft. This time she kissed back. Whenever Brett kissed time stood still, she seemed to forget about everything (including Blake). It was a long passionate kiss they fell back onto the bed, with Brett leaning over Bridget. "Brett, tomorrow I have school, and how am i supposed to control myself?" she asked. "Don't," he replied "its not as if we haven't done this together before." He pulled her dress over her head and she pulled of his clothes, the wanting was overwhelming and within seconds they were naked laying on top of each other.....

Just a few nit picks:

"What where you doing out in that rain?" I assume you meant "were" instead of "where"

"I don't know I was trying to get a cab back home but luckily you were her Brett," should be
"here"

"Brett, stop, your too irresistable and i have this overwhelming feeling that i want to go all the way with you but i cant" first of all...this is definitely NOT what a girl would say in the moment...Perhaps something more like "I'm just not sure if I feel right about this" or something to that effect. also spelling should be "irresistible" and "you're"

You have some more little spelling errors that I'm sure if you read over you will see.

Overall, this reads a bit like porn...You could class it up a bit with different language. The structure is off, you need paragraphs. Other than that I feel like you can spruce it up and make it something better than what it is. Good Luck!

Alrighty, Ms.TheRealGossipGirl, I will be critiquing this piece here. There are a lot of errors, mistakes, and grammaritical wrongs within this story that really needs fixing.

First off; format the story in paragraphs and indent. It it terribly hard for a reader to consentrate on the story when the entire thing in jumbled up in one whole paragraph.

She was so sexy, yet casual, as if she didnt even try.

Please insert commas to make sense and correctness of this sentence.

She had her comfy, casual coffee coloured jumper dress.

"Coffee" is spelled with two e's.

He handed it to her. She sipped it and held with both her hands.

These should be two seperate sentences.

"Thanks." she said quietly.

There needs to be a period after that quote.

"What were you doing out in that rain?" Brett asked.

I'm guessing you meant "Were."

"I don't know, I was trying to get a cab back home, but luckily you were here Brett," she said.

Again, please include commas where they are needed. Also, check over your work for correct spelling of words. I'm guessing you meant to say "Here" instead of "Her."

Brett sat down next to her on his bed, her pefume even more irresistable.

Again, comma needed.

He brushed her hair with his hands and took in her irresistable perfume.

Please, not not over use adjectives, for they will soon become very cliche'.

He put his nose to her neck and sniffed taking in her perfume. He started to kiss her neck long,sensual kisses.

This is confusing here: If the girl had perfume on her neck, the guy would taste taste it if he kissed her there.

"Brett, stop. Your too irresistable, and I have this overwhelming feeling that I want to go all the way with you, but I cant." she said.

After"Brett, stop" there should be a period. Stop using the word "Irresistable" over and over; it became cliche' after you used it twice, also, add a comma after it. Remember to capitalize all your I's, add in more commas where needed and end the quote with a period.

"Why?" he asked puzzled, he was satisfying all her needs[u].

Put a comma after "Puzzled," and do not use the underlined statement again, since you had already before.

This time she kissed back.

Tell us why she stopped caring about Blake, and give us more information and elebortation on him.

"Brett, tomorrow I have school, and how am I supposed to control myself?" she asked.

You spelled "Tomorrow" wrong. There needs to be a comma after "School." Remember to capitalize your I's!! There should be a question mark instead of a period if she's asking a question.

"Dont !," he replied

There is no need for an exclamation point, after a while it adds annoyance and not emotion like a lot of writers may think. Also, if you use any other sort of punctuation at the end of a quote, there is no need for a comma.

the wanting was overwhelming, and within seconds they were naked, laying on top of each other[u].....

It would sound better as "Wanting" instead of "Want." Please learn how sentence structures should be and know how and where to use commas. I also believed you used the wrong sort of "Lying" and it should be changed to "Laying." The "....."s are not needed.

Overall: This entire thing did not bring out any emotion, needs elaboration on just about everything, and is horrible grammar-wise. I see you are trying to convey a story of a girl cheating on her current boyfriend with someone else, thoug it doesn't stick out in the story at all, since the readers will probably be too busy pickingout all the errors in the story. Practice more correct, structured writing, and this could get better.

hi thanks for the feedback i've made a few changes
to peace.love.and.music.013 you said "Overall, this reads a bit like porn" that s not what i intended .
I intended for it to sound like a gossip girl novel, i went straight in with the action instead of explaining everybodys character and things like that.
There will be more chapters and hopefully you will get into the story.

therealgossipgirlx wrote:I intended for it to sound like a gossip girl novel, i went straight in with the action instead of explaining everybodys character and things like that.

Imitation is the biggest form of flattery, but as a writer; don't do that. Be yourself, discover your own writing style.

i havent imitated a gossip girl novel i have made a story in the style i dont know what you call it the genre say
in no way have i copied the gossip girl books