Dreaming.

please give me feedback, this is just a short introduction, if you will.



I squinted my eyes, the rays of light almost blinding me. I looked around, realizing that there was absolutely nothing surrounding me. This scared me, so I started running. I just ran and ran, until I realized there was nothing to run too, but there had to be something I was running from. I looked back and screamed. A force of blackness was coming towards me, so I ran harder. Harder and faster than I ever did in football practice, harder than I probably ever will. I just ran and ran, and suddenly I stopped. I didn’t know why, I just stopped. I couldn’t go any faster, and that’s when it seemed to end. My life, my dreams, my fears, my everything.
I woke up, with sweat dripping all over me. That horrific dream had definitely taken a toll on me. I rose from my bed and headed for the shower, that horrible scene still racing in my head, my pulse still racing through my skin. Why was I surrounded by absolutely nothing? Why was darkness coming towards me? I just didn’t get it. I quickly got ready for school and headed out the door, just in time to get to the bus stop. I took my seat and sighed, my friends noticing my non-alertness.
“Aye Vince, you ready for the big game tonight? The Tiger’s are gonna destroy!” My friends Brendan and Jake enthused, and I was really not in the mood.
I sighed and looked up at my over enthusiastic friends. “Yeah, Go Tigers.”
The bus stopped just in time, and I quickly shuffled out. I walked faster than usual to my locker, never being this excited to actually get into first period English.
“34-16-29.” I said aloud, my locker popping open. And that’s when I saw her. It seemed like she was a girl in a magazine, or even better, a dream. She was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. She stared at me, a fierce look in her eyes. I smiled sheepishly and turned back to my locker. She probably thought I was some loser. The bell rang just in time, and I hurried my embarrassed little butt to class.
Mrs. Spencer had us quietly reading, so it gave me time to think. I thought about the red haired beauty I just saw, and she seemed somewhat familiar. I thought about the fierce and almost scary look she gave me, and I also thought about how not one of my friends has said anything to me about her. I’m not going to lie; Jake is most definitely a ladies man.
“Hey you guys, have you seen that new girl? She’s kinda tall, she’s got like I dunno, fiery red hair?”
“Nah, but I’m most definitely going to start looking my man! I mean how many red heads do you get in Sacramento? It’s all blondes, blondes blondes, am I right?”
Jake slapped his hand onto mine, but I did'nt return the handshake. I was being selfish and a little queer, but I mean I saw her first, right?
The bell rang for first period and I rushed out to the hall, and she was standing in the exact same place she was before. I decided that I would approach her. Come straight out and talk to her. I could definitely do it. If I can lead the Tigers into three consecutive championships, than I could talk to some hot, hot girl. I searched all down the senior hall, and I couldn’t find her. I don’t know why I absolutely had to find her, but I felt drawn to her in some way. Like her energy was drawing me in. No-now I sound like my Language Arts textbook. I decided that I could make it through the day, and find her at final bell. I could make it, right? I asked myself way to many questions.
Final Bell finally came, and I scrammed out of class. I saw her. I scrambled through the groups of students and approached her.
“Hi, uh, my names Vince, and I was just uh wondering what yours was.”
I was such an idiot.
“I know what your name is, Bye Vince.”
She vanished. And I don’t mean walked really fast or ran away. She vanished. Out of thin air. I looked around the hall, looking for confused faces or swears from the guys. Nothing. I caught up with Brendan in the hall and asked him if he saw anything suspicious.
“No man, but Jake told me about the hottie you found. Dude, where is she I’d like to get a number!”
I laughed a little and walked away. I didn’t have time for the their flirty actions. I needed to figure out what the heck I just saw.
But then it hit me. I knew where I saw her. She was the darkness in my dreams, she was the one who tried to kill me.

Hi! Welcome to YWS. ^^

I squinted my eyes, the rays of light almost blinding me. I looked around, realizing that there was absolutely nothing surrounding me.

These two lines are technically correct, but I think that with some tweaking they could be stronger. You want your first two lines to be polished, because that is what will either draw in or reject your reader.

First thing that comes to mind when I read it is that it annoys me a little how the first two lines end the same way. It ends with "something me." Changing up the sentence structure is a good way to make things interesting to read if used sparingly, as using it too often makes things stilted. I suggest in this case you alter one of the sentences, rewrite it in a different format to make it more interesting. For instance:

I squinted my eyes against the blinding rays of light. I looked around, realizing there was nothing surrounding me.

Also, you will notice I ommited 'absolutely'? Personally I am a believer of economy of words. If it's not needed, if it doesn't strengthen your point, get rid of it. This is a personal value however, and you could ignore that if you wish.

This scared me, so I started running.

This is what we call telling. What you should aim to do is show your readers that your character is scared, by his actions and thoughts. Describe how his palms sweated, how his breath grew short and fast, how his blink rate went up, how he felt, what he thought. Much more effective than saying he was scared.

I just ran and ran, until I realized there was nothing to run too, but there had to be something I was running from.

I would omit the word just. I don't think just should be used outside of dialogue, because it doesn't add to the description or he point. Too should be to. Also, I would suggest putting a full stop after the 'to'. There should be the word 'that' after something.

What I suggest you do, is read your stories out loud, or get someone to read them to you. That way you can pick out the awkward sentences, the strange phrasings and the places that need commas and the places that need full stops.

A force of blackness was coming towards me, so I ran harder.

A force of blackness? Describe it for us. Paint a picture in the reader's mind, then add touch, taste, smell, make it a whole scene. It can take your simple line and expand it into an experience.

And that’s when I saw her.

Not a fan of this line, it's overused. I would suggest you come up with another way to introduce her.

About the next paragraph, I still think you need to show more. Tell us why, why is she gorgeous? Let us see her. Is it her hair, her lips, her eyes, her body? Her style, her expression? Does she wear makeup? Tell us the details.

than I could talk to some hot, hot girl.

One 'hot' is proficient. If you want to make a stronger point, find another way to do it.

Overall, this is an alright introduction. I suggest you make the dream sequence shorter, and more descriptive. Make it more dreamlike, even, by describing the colours and the shapes, the emotions, but possibly in an abstract manner. I liked the main character well enough, But I would like to know more about him. I think you need to expand on your secondary characters. They are ill defined and all sound the same. Also, I think they should sound more... unique. They sound like arrogant jock #1 and womaniser class B at the moment. Give them their own voices. One way to get a better feel for your characters is to write out scenarios and look at how they react. It doesn't have to be part of the story, just an excersize to get to know them better.

It looks like it has potientual, and I would like to read more. If you have any questions or would like any help, feel free to PM me. I would be happy to talk anything you need to know over.

Well done ^^

-Nutty

I just ran and ran, until I realized there was nothing to run to,

There is the correct form of "To."

“Yeah. Go Tigers.”

There should be a period after "Yeah," instead of a comma.

“34-16-29.” I said aloud, my locker popping open, and that’s when I saw her.

Make this into one whole sentence. Add a comma between "Open" and "And."

It seemed like she was a girl in a magazine, or even better;a dream.

Put in a semicolon before "A dream."

Nah, but I’m most definitely going to start looking, my man!

Insert a comma after "Looking." Also, there is no need for an exclamation point at the end.

than I could talk to some hot, hot girl.

No need for you to say "Hot" twice.

“I know what your name is. Bye, Vince.”

Make this into two different sentences. Put a period after "Is" and a comma after "Bye."

Dude, where is she? I’d like to get her number!

Again, needs to be made into different sentences. There also should be a question mark after the first one, since he's asking a question. Switch "A" to "Her," it would make more sense, and again, no need for an exclamation point.

Overall: Your story is pretty okay. I like how it centers around a guy instead of a girl, but you definitely need to work on a lot of things with this: Punctuation, it needs to get better. You should look over your writing often after you've written a bit of it and check it for errors, and still check again after it's all complete. Descriptions, you need to describe things a lot more. Tell me how the school looks, what it sounds like while being in the hallway while switching classes or after the final bell rings. Also, describe what the mystery girl looks like better, "Hot" isn't enough. Be a bit objective while describing her. Everyone's idea of attractive isn't the same, so have the main character describe her actual looks and features.

Hello. Being a girl writing from a guy's point of view is HARD. I know because I'm currently writing a story myself. To help you sort of get into character, do a few character charts. Study guys more. Read books by male authors. The reason I'm telling you this is because your 'guy' seems to have a little bit girlish personality. lol.
Other than that it seems alright.

Hiya! Ok, great job! this was really an eye catcher! I had fun reading it and I'm excited for the next chapter.

1) i hate myself for saying this, since I do it alot too, but it feels just a little rushed. I personally am glad you got right to the point.
2)like Monstrar said, I'm a girl, so it's kind of hard to put it in my own perspective. Maybe if you loosened up a bit and added more discription-not just of your characters, but things like what they see, what they hear, what they smell, ect. Since it's narrated in first person, it's pretty easy.
3) KEEP GOING! you've really left me hooked with the last sentance, and maybe a little creeped out.

I can't wait for your next chapter!
~*~fairygirl~*~