Cheerleading

This is my entry for ThornedRose's writing contest. I wrote this when I was about seven or eight, and I just thought I can't believe I wrote this. Hope it's bad enough to win!

Once upon a time, Jacob, Max, and Amy were playing. Amy was showing them her cheerleading.
“Yee-haw! Get down!” said Amy.
“That is neat” they said,”Can we try?”
“Yes, but you have to learn how.” she said.
“Okay!"
"You have to kick and raise the roof, say one, two, three, four and do a double flip.”
“Okay! That’s easy!”
“Do it then.”
And they did it right. They were a team. They were called “Amy’s Best Team”, and they did a lot of cheerleading.

The End

Wonderfully terrible, Night. Nah, seriously, it's cute.

Actually, just to add, the fact that you were writing voluntarily at that age is a sign of a true writer.

Aww, Night, that was too cute! And, don't worry, I don't hate all cheerleaders! xD Just the evil popular mean ones! And, clearly, you aren't one of those!
Now, m'dear, I checked out the contest that you were talking about. I dunno how to critique this if you want to make it bad. So, I'm gonna give you a critique on how to make it better, in case you wanted to continue this after the contest as a short story or something. Honestly, the plot is just too adorable to abandon. Oh, and the entries for her contest must be between 4000 and 8000 words. This one needs to be expanded quite a bit! xD
Alright, going into crazy instructor critique mode is gonna be pretty hard with this one...But, I shall try my best!
Let's start with the nitpicks...I can't help but point them out - I know, you can't edit, but keep it for future reference?

Once upon a time, Jacob, Max, and Amy were playing. Amy was showing them her cheer leading.

Cheerleading is one word, isn't it? Or is it just my silly American spelling? Well, either change the sentence or the title...

“Yee-haw! Get Down!” said Amy

Down shouldn't be capitalized, and there should be a period after Amy. ^_^ I love the yee-haw. It is simply too cute.

"You have to kick and raise the roof, say one, two, three, four and do a double flip.”

That's a really long sentence...And, it sounds like they must do it at the same time. I'd say something more like
"You have to kick and raise the roof. Then, say one, two, three, four, and do a double flip."
It sounds smoother and flows better.

“Do it then”

Period after then.

They were called “Amy’s Best Team”, and they did a lot of cheer leading

Cheerleading? Or cheer leading? And period after the last word.
^_^ I'm a nitpicky person, don't take it personally! So, how about we cover some of the more concept-ish stuff now?
Here are a couple of tips that I personally needed to follow, and I'm hoping that they'll help you as well.
Flow - Now, I know that this story is pretty short...But, there's always a way to improve. So, I'd start off with using more transition words. Instead of saying, and they did it right, have a transition.
"Then, after tremendous effort, on the parts of Jacob and Max, they managed to do the double flip."
Or something like that. Just try and smooth out all the kinks by using transitions. Descriptions help smooth the story out as well.

Descriptions - I'd love [s]some[/s] a lot more description throughout this story. Create a picture in the reader's mind. Let's start with the first sentence.

Once upon a time, Jacob, Max, and Amy were playing.

Where were they playing? How old were they? What did they look like?
^_^ This will also help add to your word count.
Now, I'm a pretty lazy person when it comes to descriptions, so here's what I do:
I picture the scene in my own mind.
If I was writing a story with children playing I'd immediately think up a scene in my mind; sometimes, I sketch it out.
Sketching it out helps because now, I have a picture - all I have to do is convey it to the reader. (=
Tell us what's happening in the background, maybe what they look like, and all that. Another important thing I'd like to know is about facial expressions.
Is Jacob mischievous? Is Max shy? Is Amy outgoing?
All this can be conveyed in a simple wink, turn of the head, or just yelling instead of talking. This would help us understand the characters more.

Characterization - Now, I did notice that the contest wanted the characters to be extremely flat. So, I'm not going to mention any characters specifically, but I'll give you some overall tips.
I'm best friends with a girl who's characters I absolutely adore. She's given me many writing tips, but my favorite by far, is that:
~Characters are your friends. Get to know them. According to her, when you're writing any story, you should know your character like the back of your hand. Their pros and cons, the way they think, the way they talk, and everything else. Introduce interaction between characters to make them seem more realistic. Interaction doesn't always have to be dialogue. A simple pat on the shoulder could convey friendship; and, a glare could show enmity.
~Give at least one, if not all, your characters a quirky habit. Now, this isn't something you must follow; I, personally, find it to be extremely helpful. No one's perfect; demonstrate this. It makes everyone seem so much more realistic.
Amy, for example, can be fidgety. I seem to think of her as outgoing; so, she can never stand still. Show that she can't sit still when Jacob and Max are trying to cheer. This would make her so much easier for your readers to relate to.

Overall - I must say, this story is TOO cute! xD I know that you can't act on most of my suggestions at the moment. But, just remember them; if you ever want to expand this into a short story, I'm sure you'll find them helpful. If I seemed harsh, I'm so sorry! I make the same mistakes (probably worse) all the time...I hope I helped you with your writing in general, even if I couldn't help you with this particular story.



Peace, love, and chocolate,
Flute Loops<3

Adorable! I laughed out loud when I finished reading. I'll be genuinely shocked if you don't win this contest.

fluteluvr77 - This is for the worst type of literature contest, so its alright if we don't nitpick too much, lol. XD



You're adorable, Night! This is so cute! (>3<)*huggles* Post in the little mushroom, soon! Here, I'll post the link so you won't never ever ever forget:


post584625.html


[haha, actually, I posted it there to advertise! please feel free to check it out at all costs~ it means so much to me! ]

I know this is for a bad literature contest XD and I wish I had a newer piece of yours to critique Night, but for the show I'll do this one . I'd say this is good for a 7 or 8 year old it's a cute short story. Now there's much more you could do with it!

So here's some suggestions I came up with hopefully you can find something from this useful. Going into some detail and giving events description really helps a story become more substantial. For instance you could do something like this:
“Yee-haw! Get down!” Amy shouted as she threw her fist in the air energetically.

This helps to give the reader an image in their mind as they read your story.

And they did it right.

Usually you want to try and avoid starting a sentence with the word 'and' rephrasing it could improve it. "Both of them did it right."

Cute story I hope to see some of your more recent work:).

Oh! This is just about the funniest thing I've ever read
In a kind way of course
I think that for the purposes of this particular competition it is perfect! You have managed to make it 'bad' (although, as people have already said, it's pretty good for a seven-year-old!) without making it boring and unbearable to read. The competition does state that entries should be 4000 to 8000 words long, but I am not going to suggest that you extend it, as in my opinion this would ruin the charm of the story.

Jemima x

You were seven or eight? I've got cousins who are that age and couldn't write that well! Poor Night, what will you do with the emerging talent you didn't realize you had then? Not as terrible as you thought were you?