-Inconcessus- Twenty-One

Well, here is the next chapter. I still don't like the direction my writing is going so hopefully you all have some advice for me because I'm lost. Comments are welcome!

Happy Reading!

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CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

My attempt at nonchalance was wasted. It was like Carmen had a sixth sense when it came to me and mischief. I had barely gotten through the front door before he was on me, eyes narrowed, gaze switching from me to Michael and then back again.
Michael quickly smelled trouble and graciously escaped before Carmen could start his questionnaire; my glare followed him all the way to his room. When I looked back at Carmen, his arms were crossed, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling.
“Carmen, not now,” I murmured, making to go around him. I watched as if in slow motion his nostrils flare and then before I knew it, I was flung from the house and half-dragged into the woods before I could register what had happened.
“What the hell is your issue?” Carmen practically sneered in my face before backing away as if I reeked like a disemboweled body.
I frowned. “Did I miss something…?”
“Obviously! Are you and Death friends or something because I don’t understand how you got away today without getting harmed.”
Now I was really lost. Did Carmen somehow know about me visiting Isaac? And if he did, he just knew him as a human; that wasn’t dangerous at all for me.
“Carmen, seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried to keep my expression placid but Carmen slowly took a step towards me, guessing my bluff.
“I can smell him on you, Sophia.” His voice was a terrifying sound—like a rumble a lion makes before it pounces. I had never heard him use that against me before, and I froze in pure instinct, though I knew that Carmen wasn’t a threat to me.
At least, I hoped not.
“I don’t understand,” I said cautiously, watching as he took another step towards me, slightly crouched now.
“Stop playing dumb, Sophia! I know what’s been going on here but I thought you’d be smart enough to stay away. It seems I’ll have to keep a closer eye on you.”
“Carmen, I can take care of myself! Besides, you don’t know what you’re talking about! I did nothing wrong today.”
He stopped and sighed deeply, the sound heavy and fatigued. “Sophia, I think it’s time you talked to Philip.”

* * * *

I had to wait until deep into the night before seeing Philip. It seemed that whatever he had to tell me was urgent and secretive, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Carmen woke me at around midnight, hissing in my ear. I shoved him away, knocking him off his feet.
He caught himself before he went flying into the opposite wall, shooting me a death-glare while I glanced over at Elena. She was snoring softly and shifted under the covers before going still. I then eased out of the bed, throwing on a sweater over my pajamas and pulling on my boots before following Carmen outside.
He led me to a small shack I had never noticed on the outskirts of the cottage’s yard. It was built with gray stone and roofed with red tiles. The shades were pulled but an orange glow notified us that there were others inside.
I hesitated at the door. Carmen glanced back at me, frowning at my sudden trepidation. What if I didn’t want to know what was going on? What if I wanted to continue being clueless? Didn’t I have a choice in all this?
In the end, I knew I had to enter that shed. If I didn’t, I would spend the rest of my time wondering, as I did with Anisha, my birth mother. Never understanding. Always questioning. Not a fun experience.
Carmen motioned with his hand to get me moving again and I entered, closing the door behind me.
Inside, I met the shadowed faces of vampires that I knew and some that I didn’t.
Philip, Walter, Anita, and Jasmine were among the ones I did.
Three others I didn’t.
Philip stood, as if I was one to recognize, and greeted me with surprising warmth. “Sophia, I’m glad you have finally sought us out.”
I frowned. “Carmen was the one that took me here.”
I saw Walter and Anita exchange looks and Jasmine stiffened noticeably. “She doesn’t know?” Her voice was condescending and sliced openly like a knife any that the voice was directed at.
Poor Philip was the victim and grimaced openly. “Jasmine, please. I had no idea they would seek out Sophia, of all people.”
“Videlicet is est a nemo. Nusquam of gravitas.” Jasmine eyed me in disdain and I felt my hackles rise in defense. Though she spoke in the Ancient tongue, I knew that whatever had left her lips was not a compliment.
Carmen laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I took a deep breath, knowing getting into a fight with one of the most imperative vampires in our community would only end in trouble for me. And I didn’t need any more of that.
“Sophia has been sought out. That’s all we know yet. Knowing why will help us significantly.” Orbs that glowed like animals in the dark all turned to me in unison, forcing me to look away.
“Dear, we know you saw one of them today.” It was Anita, her voice soothing, as only a mother’s can be.
I braced myself for what I thought would be another patronizing remark from Jasmine, but none came. They all still waited for me to speak.
“Yeah, I saw one. He’s name is Isaac.” I shrugged it off as if it was no big deal.
Jasmine scowled. “We don’t need your chivalry, puella. What happened?” She had a thick accent when speaking English, one that twanged her a’s and drug out her l’s.
“I figured out what he was and I decided to confront him about it.”
“And you still went alone? Even after realizing what he was?” It was one of the unknown’s that spoke this time, his face shot through with shadows, only the tip of his nose showing.
“Yes,” I said confidently.
“Balatro,” I heard Jasmine hiss under her breath.
Ignoring her, I raised my chin a bit higher. “I wasn’t sure if I was right or not. And I didn’t have a clue any of you even knew.” A hint of bitterness entered my voice and I glared right at Philip.
“We had no clue they would seek you out, Sophia. We had no reason to tell you.”
“What about all the others in that house?” My voice was rising but I couldn’t control it. “They have no idea that a whole group of Sorens are living right next door and how dangerous that will be for them!”
“Calm yourself, puella,” Jasmine ordered and I had no choice but to obey. Her voice was that commanding. “You listen now. For some reason, the Sorens have chosen you to communicate with. You have to be our eyes and ears in all this. Our custodis, our [I]viator.”
“Are you even going to tell me what I’m listening for? Why I have to do this?” I was still angry. I didn’t even want to do any of this. After what happened today, I wanted nothing to do with Isaac or his strange friend Greg.
“You’re doing this to aid your coven. Strange, dangerous times are heading our way. And you seem to be the one the Sorens picked to talk to. Will you help us?” For the first time since meeting her, Jasmine’s voice almost sounded like a plea, as if I was their only hope. It made my head swim for a moment before I nodded once, hard and concrete, knowing I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.
She met my eyes; hers were so dark and cold that I shivered. Then she faced the other group. “Now that this epistola is finished, we have to come to an agreement before this night is over.” Jasmine paused and eyed each vampire with her stony gaze. “What do we do about the Exiles?”

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.

My attempt at nonchalance was wasted. It was like Carmen had a sixth sense when it came to me and mischief. I had barely gotten through the front door before he was on me, eyes narrowed, gaze switching from me to Michael and then back again.
Michael quickly smelled trouble and graciously escaped before Carmen could start his questionnaire; my glare followed him all the way to his room. When I looked back at Carmen, his arms were crossed, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling.
“Carmen, not now,” I murmured, making to go around him. I watched as if in slow motion his nostrils flared and then, before I knew it, I was flung from the house and half-dragged into the woods before I could register what had happened. Rather redundant… I’d change the first to something like ‘suddenly’ or ‘unexpectedly’.
“What the hell is your issue?” Carmen practically sneered in my face before backing away as if I reeked like a disemboweled body.
I frowned. “Did I miss something…?”
“Obviously! Are you and Death friends or something? Because I don’t understand how you got away today without getting harmed.”
Now I was really lost. Did Carmen somehow know about me visiting Isaac? And if he did, he just knew him as a human; that wasn’t dangerous at all for me.
“Carmen, seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried to keep my expression placid, but Carmen slowly took a step towards me, guessing my bluff.
“I can smell him on you, Sophia.” His voice was a terrifying sound—like a rumble a lion makes before it pounces. I had never heard him use that against me before, and I froze in pure instinct, though I knew that Carmen wasn’t a threat to me.
At least, I hoped not.
“I don’t understand,” I said cautiously, watching as he took another step towards me, slightly crouched now.
“Stop playing dumb, Sophia! I know what’s been going on here, but I thought you’d be smart enough to stay away. It seems I’ll have to keep a closer eye on you.”
“Carmen, I can take care of myself! Besides, you don’t know what you’re talking about! I did nothing wrong today.”
He stopped and sighed deeply, the sound heavy and fatigued. “Sophia, I think it’s time you talked to Philip.”

* * * *

I had to wait until deep into the night before seeing Philip. It seemed that whatever he had to tell me was urgent and secretive, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Carmen woke me at around midnight, hissing in my ear. I shoved him away, knocking him off his feet.
He caught himself before he went flying into the opposite wall, shooting me a death-glare while I glanced over at Elena. She was snoring softly and shifted under the covers before going still. I then eased out of the bed, throwing on a sweater over my pajamas and pulling on my boots before following Carmen outside.
He led me to a small shack I had never noticed on the outskirts of the cottage’s yard. It was built with gray stone and roofed with red tiles. The shades were pulled, but an orange glow notified us that there were others inside.
I hesitated at the door. Carmen glanced back at me, frowning at my sudden trepidation. What if I didn’t want to know what was going on? What if I wanted to continue being clueless? Didn’t I have a choice in all this?
In the end, I knew I had to enter that shed. If I didn’t, I would spend the rest of my time wondering, as I did with Anisha, my birth mother. Never understanding. Always questioning. Not a fun experience.
Carmen motioned with his hand to get me moving again and I entered, closing the door behind me.
Inside, I met the shadowed faces of vampires that I knew, and some that I didn’t.
Philip, Walter, Anita, and Jasmine were among the ones I did.
Three others I didn’t.
Philip stood, as if I was one to recognize, and greeted me with surprising warmth. “Sophia, I’m glad you have finally sought us out.”
I frowned. “Carmen was the one that brought me here.”
I saw Walter and Anita exchange looks and Jasmine stiffened noticeably. “She doesn’t know?” Her voice was condescending and sliced openly like a knife any that the voice was directed at. I don’t understand the ‘any’ here.
Poor Philip was the victim and grimaced openly. “Jasmine, please. I had no idea they would seek out Sophia, of all people.”
“Videlicet is est a nemo. Nusquam of gravitas.” Jasmine eyed me in disdain and I felt my hackles rise in defense. Though she spoke in the Ancient tongue, I knew that whatever had left her lips was not a compliment.
Carmen laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I took a deep breath, knowing getting into a fight with one of the most imperative vampires in our community would only end in trouble for me. And I didn’t need any more of that.
“Sophia has been sought out. That’s all we know yet. Knowing why will help us significantly.” Orbs that glowed like animals in the dark all turned to me in unison, forcing me to look away.
“Dear, we know you saw one of them today.” It was Anita, her voice soothing, as only a mother’s can be.
I braced myself for what I thought would be another patronizing remark from Jasmine, but none came. They all still waited for me to speak.
“Yeah, I saw one. He’s name is Isaac.” I shrugged it off as if it was no big deal.
Jasmine scowled. “We don’t need your chivalry, puella. What happened?” She had a thick accent when speaking English, one that twanged her a’s and drug out her l’s.
“I figured out what he was and I decided to confront him about it.”
“And you still went alone? Even after realizing what he was?” It was one of the unknown’s that spoke this time, his face shot through with shadows, only the tip of his nose showing.
“Yes,” I said confidently.
“Balatro,” I heard Jasmine hiss under her breath.
Ignoring her, I raised my chin a bit higher. “I wasn’t sure if I was right or not. And I didn’t have a clue any of you even knew.” A hint of bitterness entered my voice and I glared right at Philip.
“We had no clue they would seek you out, Sophia. We had no reason to tell you.”
“What about all the others in that house?” My voice was rising, but I couldn’t control it. “They have no idea that a whole group of Sorens are living right next door and how dangerous that will be for them!”
“Calm yourself, puella,” Jasmine ordered, and I had no choice but to obey. Her voice was that commanding. “You listen now. For some reason, the Sorens have chosen you to communicate with. You have to be our eyes and ears in all this. Our custodys, our viator.”
“Are you even going to tell me what I’m listening for? Why I have to do this?” I was still angry. I didn’t even want to do any of this. After what happened today, I wanted nothing to do with Isaac or his strange friend Greg.
“You’re doing this to aid your coven. Strange, dangerous times are heading our way. And you seem to be the one the Sorens picked to talk to. Will you help us?” For the first time since meeting her, Jasmine’s voice almost sounded like a plea, as if I was their only hope. It made my head swim for a moment before I nodded once, hard and concrete, knowing I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.
She met my eyes; hers were so dark and cold that I shivered. Then she faced the other group. “Now that this epistola is finished, we have to come to an agreement before this night is over.” Jasmine paused and eyed each vampire with her stony gaze. “What do we do about the Exiles?”

[/spoiler]

Well, I definitely enjoyed this chapter. Word flow just seemed to be way up there in quality, and the dialogue seemed quite realistic... even in the unrealisticness of the story, but you get me, ha...

I also like how you're hinting at the whole Sophia's-needed-to-save-the-world thing, rather than just dropping it on us like an atomic bomb. Leaves more room for questions and for readers to make their own assumptions. Me likes.

The ancient tongue is also interesting... even if I understood like none of it... haha... excuse the ignorance, but did you make it up or are you using like greek or latin or something?

Anywayy, I think this chapter was solid... The new edge of Michael's personality was unexpected, but it seemed to fit... and I ever wonder what the history is between him and Sophia.

So, looking forward to twenty-two!

»Sam.

Hallo Ash!

So glad to be reading this chapter! I didn't read the review before mine, so sorry if I repeat anything.

My attempt at nonchalance was wasted. It was like Carmen had a sixth sense when it came to me and mischief. I had barely gotten through the front door before he was on me, eyes narrowed, gaze switching from me to Michael and then back again.

I like this chunk here, but you can do without the underlined sentence. You can reword the next two sentences: "It was as if Carmen had a sixth sense. I had barely gotten through the door, and his eyes were already on me, his narrowed gaze switching from me to Michael and then back to me again."

Michael quickly smelled trouble and graciously escaped before Carmen could start his questionnaire; my glare followed him all the way to his room. When I looked back at Carmen, his arms were crossed, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling.

This is a little too wordy and I don't really like the way it reads.

Try: Michael, whose blank expression morphed into one of fear, quickly retreated, leaving me alone in the room with my interrogator who was still staring at me, his arms crossed. He looked more like a strict father than a friend. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

You don't have to use this but your sentences need a little more life and know when to be wordy and when to not be.

“Carmen, not now,” I murmured, making to go around him. I watched as if in slow motion his nostrils flare and then before I knew it, I was flung from the house and half-dragged into the woods before I could register what had happened.

Again, this is a little lifeless.

Try: "Carmen, not now," I murmured. I had it in mind to get away from him as quick as possible, but not even my annoyance could assuage his anger. He was in front of me now. His nostrils were flaring and for a moment, I felt like the prey of a hungry predator. The short distance between us was closed, and before I knew it, I was being half-dragged from the house and out into the cool air. He pulled us to a stop. My mind was spinning round and round. It took me a moment to register that we were in the woods now.

“What the hell is your issue?” Carmen practically sneered in my face before backing away as if I reeked like a disemboweled body.

Hmm? Maybe there might be a different dialect or lingo where you live but I've never heard "issue" used in this sense before. If not, I think it would read better "What the hell is your problem?"

And I think Sophia should be the one to say it. If I were in her situation, I'd be really pissed.

“What the hell is your issue?” Carmen practically sneered in my face before backing away as if I reeked like a disemboweled body.
I frowned. “Did I miss something…?”
“Obviously! Are you and Death friends or something because I don’t understand how you got away today without getting harmed.”

This reads funny.

Here's what I'd write:

"What the hell is your problem?" I hissed, stumbling back. The sneer on Carmen's face made my insides squirm, but I was more pissed off than scared at the moment.
"Like you don't know," he retorted.
"Carmen...I don't..," I started, frowning. "Did I miss something?"
"Sophia, seriously? Do you realize you could have gotten hurt or even worse..."

Now I was really lost. Did Carmen somehow know about me visiting Isaac? And if he did, he just knew him as a human; that wasn’t dangerous at all for me.

I want to strangle Sophia right now. I mean, it's pretty obvious that Carmen knew.

Try: He knew. I didn't know how, but Carmen knew about my visit with Isaac. His words echoed against my skull. You could have gotten hurt. Hurt? Isaac couldn't harm me. He was only....Realization sank in. Carmen knew that Isaac wasn't human. So many emotions were coursing through my veins, but there was only one I didn't want Carmen to see. I tried to keep my expression placid, but my voice wasn't cooperating with me.
“Carmen, seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He took a step towards me. We were so close to each other that I could almost taste his rage on my tongue. There was no more lying now. He knew I was bluffing.

“I can smell him on you, Sophia.” His voice was a terrifying sound—like a rumble a lion makes before it pounces. I had never heard him use that against me before, and I froze in pure instinct, though I knew that Carmen wasn’t a threat to me.

This is much better, but one thing. The underlined sentence doesn't make sense. Maybe you mean:
"He had never used that tone with me before. My instincts told me that I should be very still, though I knew that Carmen wasn't a threat to me."

“I don’t understand,” I said cautiously, watching as he took another step towards me, slightly crouched now.

I can't hear Sophia saying that. I can picture her saying "You're overreacting" or something of that nature and you don't need the underlined word.

“Stop playing dumb, Sophia! I know what’s been going on here but I thought you’d be smart enough to stay away. It seems I’ll have to keep a closer eye on you.”

My rendition:

"Overreacting! Sophia, I know what's been going on. I thought you'd be smart enough to stay away but it seems like I'll have to keep a closer eye on you. " And the way he looked at me made me feel like I was a little kid. helpless and stupid. This time, my anger was flaring.
"Carmen, I can take care of myself!"
He parted his lips as if to speak, but sighed instead. The sound, heavy and fatigued. "I think it's time you went to go see Philip."

I had to wait until deep into the night before seeing Philip. It seemed that whatever he had to tell me was urgent and secretive, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Carmen woke me at around midnight, hissing in my ear. I shoved him away, knocking him off his feet.

You don't need the underlined bit. I don't like the last two sentences of this part. The italicized part especially.

He caught himself before he went flying into the opposite wall, shooting me a death-glare while I glanced over at Elena.

Try: "He caught himself before he went flying into the opposite wall, shooting me a death-glare. I met his fiery gaze with an equally intimidating. before glancing over at Elena. Her snoring didn't miss a beat. I eased myself out of bed and quickly threw on a sweater over my pajamas. After pulling on my boots, I followed Carmen outside.

The shades were pulled but an orange glow notified us that there were others inside.

This sentence is a bit vague. If there was an orange glow in any house, that doesn't mean there is more than one person inside. Maybe she seen shadows pass before the window.

Try: The shades were pulled back, displaying an orange glow. Shadows moved in the light, notifying us that there were others inside besides Philip.

“Sophia has been sought out. That’s all we know yet. Knowing why will help us significantly.” Orbs that glowed like animals in the dark all turned to me in unison, forcing me to look away.

Two things:

1. I'd use another word other than sought.
2. Animals don't glow. How about stars or diamonds or something of that sort?

Okay, verdict. This chapter was so so for me. I couldn't feel Sophia's emotions. You need to add more color to your sentences. Please, don't take offense, Ash. I love this story and I've been reading this throughout every revision you made, I know that you can do better. This chapter was good but it was lacking on descriptions and emotions on Sophia's parts. I really couldn't get her in this chapter.

I haven't lost interest though and I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Wow, twenty-one chapters, you’re really sailing through this, eh? All I can say is keep them coming !! Now on with the review...

Three others I didn’t.

Maybe you could add on some kind of description of them to this? And Sophia's emotions towards these unknown people. Also, by the end of this chapter I didn't see their relevence as only one of them was referred to which made them seem unimportant which I'm sure isn't the case. So try and make a few more references to them: Sophia looks around the room to study everyone's expressions; one of them exhales sharply; one of them leans forward, their fingertips clasped together... Loads of possibilities but try and give them a little more participation so we don't forget about them =D.

Her voice was condescending and sliced openly like a knife any that the voice was directed at.

I have to say this didn't quite make sense to me, so I would try rewording it?

He’s name is Isaac

His

Okay nit-picks aside I thought this was a good chapter, but I have to agree with Angel and say that not enough of Sophia was put into the story. You have to remember that she's the one telling the story so her personality and voice has got to be oozing out of each word . I know you can do this as you've done it in all of the previous chapters but you seemed to have slipped a little in this chapter, but it's easily fixed!! So don't be disheartened as this was another great chapter and I enjoyed it and also the direction that the story is going into. It's all very intriguing . So all that's left for me to say is great job, Ash and I can't wait for the next chapter!! =D

I hope this review helped you out and as always if you have any questions or anything feel free to PM me!! (:

Keep Writing!!
--Lucy-lu xx

Okayy, I really like your story so far (: I think you're a great author and I cannot wait to hear more from you (: I know I'm kinda a random reader, but i flew through your whole story in an hour cause it held my attention so well. As far as critiqing it, everyone pretty much beat me to the punch.. :/ all I want now is for you to PM when you have another chapter up (: Please??

oh..and to clarify...a Soren is a bird right?

Hey Ash,

This chapter is kida of wierd. So the elder knew what Issac was? That's wierd.

Are the vampires going to enter an alliance with the Soren and What's a Soren?

What Lanuage were you use for Jasmine? It's cool. Well, I have to say that this is getting very interesting and I can't wait to read more.

I hope you will pm me when you posted the next chapter. I am looking forward to the next chapter.

See ya around,
NM