Soldier

head lolling
hands bloody
napalm-colored eyes
too wide, she falters
face in the mud: and hands
will pick her up, boots
from underneath
will kick her skyward;
in she breathes
she breathes in pieces of lead
and bursts in airless conflagration;
her heart will burn the forest
and her hands if you touch them
will break you slowly in half
she won’t beg you
but understand it’s just a habit
born of life lived as an explosion
making soot from fire
never angry enough

There are gramatical errors that I think you need to fix --- they can distract the reader from paying attention to the meaning of the words --- Also more gorey, heartwrenching details may do good... Subjects as theses get some people fired up and patriotic...at least it does me.

Otherwise I liked the thoughts and think if you edited a little it could be an even better piece.

Hey Nouveaux ^^ Shina here for a review

napalm-colored eyes

Napalm? Is that a shade?

too wide, she falters

What is too wide?

and bursts in airless conflagration;

Bursts is an "out" type of thing, not "in."

her heart will burn the forest
and her hands if you touch them

Comma before "if" and after "them"

will break you slowly in half
she won’t beg you

Beg you to do what?
----------


I think the main problem here as that there's a blurry story. I don't know what's going on, so you need to focus on a thought

-Shina

This has the potential to be a great poem. There are only a few things that I think need fixing.

1. Maybe you should think about punctuation? I never stop telling people how punctuation helps in flow and balance. Without punctuation, things can get confusing and irritating to read.

2. A little revising my be in order. A few spots in your poem don't make too much sense. For instance where you say "...bursts in airless...." Perhaps it should be bursts out? It might be just me, but burst is not an 'in' type of thing.

3. This has a lot of potential. Keep working on it. :3

Since people rarely write on such topics, I thought I should review this.

head lolling

hands bloody

napalm-colored eyes

These lines lack structure and flow.Rearrange them to get a rhythm.


she won’t beg you
but understand it’s just a habit

Does not make much sense to the reader.Make these lines more sensible and understandable.


making soot from fire

never angry enough

You have not established quite an ending here.The poem seems incomplete at the last line.


Plus points:

hands

will pick her up, boots

from underneath

will kick her skyward;

Good construction of sentences


life lived as an explosion

Great description of a tough life of a soldier.


Areas to improve on:

Build a proper central theme

Give more focus and direction to the poem.

Good luck.

I liked it, the way that you described the anger anliked it, and frustration of the soldier in the war. I really hope that you write more like this one.

Hey there!

My initial thoughts are that this has an interesting premise, taking as it does the point of view of a female soldier. However, you need to fully exploit the potential of this: you could touch more on the concepts of masculinity and the soldier ideal in this poem.

The connection between the lines "napalm-coloured eyes/too wide, she falters" is obscure. Are the eyes too wide or something? That first image is strong, but because you haven't properly developed the argument in the poem (i.e. linked one thought clearly to the next), it is undermined.

The fact that it is entirely lower case is striking, if at all intentional, but the colon after "face in the mud" should really be a comma; punctuation inconsistencies like this make you seem sloppy and unprofessional. Put the reader in a good frame of mind!

The narrative of the poem, although never fully established to begin with, kind of loses its way towards the end, as you seem to get buried in images. By all means use arresting language, but unless you tie it together with some kind of framing device, e.g. a clear story, it loses its point and your message gets muddled. Having a storyline the reader is able to follow would benefit your ending, I think, because it seems weak compared to the vivid figures of speech seen elsewhere in the piece.

Overall, not a bad start. With some trimming down, greater directness in your language without losing its power and more consistent punctuation, this should become much more accessible and readable!

This was a fine poem the first time I read it, but I felt I was missing something so I went over it a few more times. I'm glad to say that it only grew on me the more I read it. While I will still say that I generally do not love the typical poem related to these topics, this one was just fine. You write well and you have some interesting stylistic choice which I don't fully understand, but they are interesting and I can't really complain about them.


Her heart will burn the forest

and her hands if you touch them

will break you slowly in half


I'm not sure what type of feeling you were trying to portray here, but I though this was quite clever is some ways; not sure if you meant it to be clever, just the way I felt. Anyway, overall I thought that this was nice, and good enough to be worthwhile reading a few times.

Cheers