The New Dyansty Prologue (part 1)

The New Dynasty

Prologue

The dawn of a new day begins with a single strand of light that slips delicately across the desert sand of the Sahara Desert. At first there is silence, the more peaceful time of the new day. Few birds fly carelessly across the wide blue sky with scattered feather-like clouds drifting overhead. As the morning progresses, more animals venture out of their sleep chambers to get some of the morning rays to heat their chilled bodies. It seems as if nothing could break the calm scene of the morning agenda for the desert.
The silence is shattered by the soft patter of a male cheetah racing through the still land. A cloud of dust streams behind the male’s weaving tail as if trying to catch the hasty animal.
He slows his pace until he was just barley jogging. The cheetah stops just short of the rock pillars. The pillars act as an entrance to the mountains of Searaba where the ruler over all the cheetahs lives.
Slowly the male looks toward the east, then turns toward the west to make sure that he was not being followed. He seeks a small opening to lead him inside. He recognizes a small crack on the side of the first mountain and slips delicately through.
Inside his pace quickens once more, as he makes his decent toward the caverns. Each stride takes him further into darkness; all he can rely on now is his sense of hearing and touch. He senses the pebbles that tumble down the trail beside him along with the cool touch of the unseen rock beneath his sweating pads.
As if he were just going to keep running into the depths of the earth, light seeps through an opening at the bottom of the dark treacherous trail.
The male picked up speed as if he got a new life from the tiny little light of hope.
At last he burst into a cave filled with firelight. The male immediately singles out one of the five cheetahs that crowd the undersized grotto.
“Sumon, Sumon!” the male cheetah yells as he races toward the black king cheetah.
“Jamiel, my faithful friend, I thought that you were attacked by lions, you were gone for so long” Sumon chuckles and stares hard into Jamiel’s hazel eyes. “Is it safe for me to come out of this unpleasant cave?”
“Ah, yes, but sire I may have some ba-” “Oh good I can finally go out into the light, I haven’t seen its beauty in a week,” Sumon stands and takes a long stretch. “Ahh, now that feels much better,” Sumon walks over near the exit while purring with pleasure.
“But, sire I have some news that may be-” “Jamiel there is no news that could put me into a bad mood, since this is a great day. Layla, would you mind going over my coat, oh of course you don’t mind, I’m the king and you’re just a servant female.” Sumon waits patiently as a sleek female cheetah rises stiffly from where she laid.
“Anything for you, you worthless-, I mean brave, handsome king,” Layla snapped with a huff.
Sumon scowled, but just shrugged and turned his back on her so that she could start to groom his coat.
“Any way, Jamiel tell me abou- ow!” the black cheetah leaps in the air then crashes in the ground. “Dang it, Layla, you worthless piece of carrion!” “I’m sorry, you told me to groom your coat and that includes ticks,” Layla smiles innocently and goes back to grooming the ill-tempered cat’s coat.
Sumon growls and then turns his attention back to Jamiel.
Jamiel could not help but laugh. “Jamiel! Control your nonsense. This is no place to be joking around. Enough sound could trigger a cave in and that could mean the end for all of us!” a dark coated cheetah arises from the back of the cave and slowly makes his way toward another cheetah that is contently asleep.
“I’m sorry, Darren. I-I was not thinking,” Jamiel hangs his head with shame. “No you were not! Now can we please just get out of here? I don’t trust that the roof will not last much longer,” Darren looks down at the sleeping cat and sighs.
“Zuni, will you wake up! This is no time to be sleeping!” “Ah, um, Darren? Um, Wha…” Zuni staggers to his feet and blinks away the sleep from his crusted eyes. “Jamiel?! Since when did you get here?” “Zuni he has been here, now go find Kachi. That lame excuse for a cat ran off when he heard Jamiel coming down the trail. He thought it was the Lion Pride coming to kill us.”
Zuni sighs and trots to the nearest opening to go locate his lost friend.

Hi Black_Panther,
I think the start to your story has potential, but it was a little rough.
First of all you kept changing the tenses, and that made it difficult to read.

He slows his pace until he was just barley jogging. The cheetah stops just short of the rock pillars.

'He slowed his pace until he was just barley jogging, stopping just short of the rock pillars.'

Sumon scowled, but just shrugged and turned his back on her so that she could start to groom his coat.


Just a few examples, you might want to go over your story and change it all to one tense.

Here's a few other things I found:

. . .crashes in the ground.

Maybe 'crashes into the ground.'?

The male picked up speed as if he got a new life from the tiny little light of hope.

You might want to reword this sentence, it's a little awkward.

The dialog was a little hard to follow:

“Jamiel! Control your nonsense. This is no place to be joking around. Enough sound could trigger a cave in and that could mean the end for all of us!”

When I first read this I thought Sumon was speaking, becuase that's who Jamiel was laughing at.

Other than those few things you story seemed pretty good.
~Zanna

Hey thanks for pointing that out I totally agree with you about the sentences, I thought hard when I first wrote them I was questioning them too...

I will post the second part of my prologue soon

Hello Black_Panther!

I like the concept of your story. You've done well with personifying the cheetahs. In just this short part, you've shown exactly who's boss with the cheetahs, what the others think of him, and how they interact with each other. You also, in my opinion, have great imagery in this piece.

A few things could be better, though:

1.

Few birds fly carelessly across the wide blue sky with scattered feather-like clouds drifting overhead.

This sentence is kind of awkward. When you say it like you have, it sounds like you're saying "Not that many birds fly across the sky" and the "with scattered feather-like clouds" bit doesn't feel like it really needs to be there and may confuse the reader. You might want to say it like "A few birds fly carelessly across the feathery clouds drifting in the wide blue sky." Here, everything agrees with everything so it's easier to understand.

2.

It seems as if nothing could break the calm scene of the morning agenda for the desert.

Here, you're switching tenses and it can get somewhat confusing. I think you should stick with the present tense, though. A better way of phrasing this sentence could be "It seems as if nothing can break the calm scene." I'm not really sure about whether or not you should have the rest of the sentence because it doesn't really seem necessary.

3.

He slows his pace until he was just barley jogging.

Barely is the correct spelling as opposed to barley(barley is actually a plant). Remember, there's a "check spelling" button at the top of the box when you're submitting posts. Don't worry too much about spelling though. I remember I had one of these off days where I couldn't spell "where". Ok, random but yeah.

4.

As if he were just going to keep running into the depths of the earth, light seeps through an opening at the bottom of the dark treacherous trail.

Um, I don't think this part makes sense at all. Maybe word it differently?

5.

The male picked up speed as if he got a new life from the tiny little light of hope.

When you say "picked up speed" it sounds as if it was unconsciously that he picked up speed. Also, "as if he got a new life" doesn’t really make sense. I think you'd want to say it like this "The male put on a burst of speed when he saw the light, as if his energy was renewed from it." I also think that this can be part of the previous paragraph.

6.

Jamiel, my faithful friend, I thought that you were attacked by lions, you were gone for so long” Sumon chuckles...

There should be a comma between: long" and Sumon chuckles.

7.

“Oh good I can finally go out into the light, I haven’t seen its beauty in a week,” Sumon stands and takes a long stretch.

Here, it's the opposite of 6.. Because you aren't talking about Sumon speaking, you need a period before the quotation mark. I.e. ' "...a week." Sumon...'. The same goes for the rest of your piece.

8.Dialogue. When you have dialogue, you need to have different paragraphs for different people (95% of the time, but there are exceptions). For example:

“But, sire I have some news that may be-” “Jamiel there is no news that could put me into a bad mood, since this is a great day. Layla, would you mind going over my coat, oh of course you don’t mind, I’m the king and you’re just a servant female.” Sumon waits patiently as a sleek female cheetah rises stiffly from where she laid.

The correct spacing would be
One paragraph "Jamiel's speech"
New paragraph "Sumon's speech"
Take a look in some novels and you'll see that they never have "Jamiel's speech" "Sumon's speech" next to each other. (More randomness: I remember my grade 2 teacher telling me "If you're going to have dialogue in your short story, you need a new paragraph for each!" and I was like "Then I won't have dialogue!!!" even though I had a LOT of dialogue. I just had no idea what "dialogue" meant haha.)

So moving from the nitpicks, I have to say: your writing style is very verbose. Especially in the beginning with the imagery, though it was good, some of the words were unnecessary. Sometimes being too verbose will clutter a really good sentence. My teacher once told me that after you finish a piece of writing, read it over again and remove all the words that aren't necessary. It's amazing how many little words you include that you think must be important when you're just writing. But I don't mean you personally. I mean people in general.

Overall, I like your idea. Just a little polishing here and there, and you'll be off for greatness!

-- Miss Ching

Hey i agree with you, since that i am a first time writer and all. i will change most of the sentences that you pointed out because i liked the way that you rearanged them.

I am probably the worst speller in the whole world...i always spell something wrong thats why i kinda like the computer

The dialogue, i kinda forgot about the new paragraphs thing when a different character speaks... oh well ill fix that later

Ill keep you posted when i post the Prologue part 2

The dawn of a new day begins with a single strand of light that slips delicately across the desert sand of the Sahara Desert. At first there is silence, the more peaceful time of the new day. Few birds fly carelessly across the wide blue sky with scattered feather-like clouds drifting overhead. As the morning progresses, more animals venture out of their sleep chambers to get some of the morning rays to heat their chilled bodies. It seems as if nothing could break the calm scene of the morning agenda for the desert.

The descriptions are over played. Take the first sentence, which takes twenty three words to tell us that it's morning in the Sahara Desert. Inter spaced in the sentence are some descriptions which are redundant and some which are nonsensical.

a single strand of light that slips delicately

Light is given a bunch of physical attributes here, which just clutter things up: strand, slip, and delicately.

A strand of light doesn't make much sense, because light doesn't curve (or at least, the amount it does curve is negligible.) A strand is thin, narrow, and flexible. You can curl a strand of hair, you can't do the same with a strand of light. They use the word "beam" because beam implies that it is straight, narrow, and inflexible.

When it comes to light slipping delicately, I have to scratch my head. How would light "slip" much less slip delicately? How would that compare to light tripping roughly?

across the [s]desert[/s] sand of the Sahara Desert.

There is really no point in having desert here twice.

At first there is silence, the more peaceful time of the new day.

The "At first" implies that something is about to happen, which is going to ruin any surprise that we would have had when something did start happen. The sentence here really does nothing for me because I'd rather be shown that it is the most peaceful time of day instead of told so.

It seems as if nothing could break the calm scene of the morning agenda for the desert.

Why even write this sentence when the next sentence contradicts it? How can you catch your reader of guard if you constantly warn them of what's about to happen?

The silence is shattered by the soft patter of a male cheetah racing through the still land. A cloud of dust streams behind the male’s weaving tail as if trying to catch the hasty animal.

Silence is shattered (violently broken apart) by the soft patter of a cheetah? Moving through sand doesn't make all that much noise and cats in general move quietly. Shattered is something I'd use for an artillery barrage, not a soft patter.

He slows his pace until he was just [s]barley[/s] barely jogging. The cheetah stops just short of the rock pillars. The pillars act as an entrance to the mountains of Searaba where the ruler over all the cheetahs lives.

I don't like how you've used a real location, the Sahara Desert, to put a fake location, the Searaba Mountains. Don't think your readers won't look for it.

Also, writing in the present tense just tends to bother me. I would rather read "The cheetah stopped just short of the rock pillars," instead of "The cheetah stops just short of the rock pillars." It just sounds better.

ha ha! this made me laugh in some parts! there were a few parts in the dialogue that bugged me... i'm not sure if you are supposed to have it like that or not but when it is like this:

"talk talk talk ta-" "different cat! talk"

that bugged me... wouldn't it be like this:

"Talk talk talk ta-"

"Different cat! talk"

or am i just completely and utterly confised... either way i liked it. very creative! keep it up!

hey thanks yeah i nocticed that too after i posted but i fixed it on my computer

YAY!! But i really like the whole cat theme! i love kitties! *huggles kitty* poor kitty. it gets hugged to much... *looks at cat for a while then hugs it some more*

hah yeah ill PM u when i post the 2nd part of my prologue, the second part is a lot longer but it has more action so to speak

Good evening, Black_Panther!

I saw the second part of this prologue didn't have any reviews yet, so I'm coming through here to get my bearings. I hope what I have to say may be of some use to you.

First, is there a reason you insist on starting The New Dynasty with a prologue? Allow me to paraphrase Orson Scott Card (author of Ender's Game and a whole lot of other sf/fantasy books): he said he has never read a prologue that has proved useful to his reading -- my understanding of his statement is that prologues tend to either be Chapters One in disguise, or else an unwelcome infodump about a world readers will discover for themselves later on in the text. At the moment, I believe you have a Chapter One here, though I'll have to see Chapter One proper before I can finalize that belief.

I also noticed you have cheetahs running around in the desert. A quick search on Wikipedia doesn't specify desert as a cheetah's natural habitat -- compare this picture of the cheetah's range with this satellite photo of the Sahara and you'll see the two hardly overlap. With the problem stemming from your choice of a real location for your setting, you could potentially justify cheetahs in the desert by putting them on some other world -- this IS the fantasy section, after all. As presented, this story doesn't feel researched, which may turn off potential readers.

Griffinkeeper did a good job of pointing out the wordier sentences in your story, so I won't repeat him.

A spelling nitpick: I'm not sure if anyone caught the "barley jogging" bit -- is that supposed to be "barely jogging?" Truth be told, though, nix the adverb -- "jog" is a fine noun by itself. That sentence could then read "He slowed down to a jog." I find that conveys the same meaning with fewer words, and your writing will read stronger for it.

At last he burst into a cave filled with firelight. The male immediately singles out one of the five cheetahs that crowd the undersized grotto.

You went the other way with description here than when you first set out, making this sentence feel rushed. I'm also puzzled how a bunch of cheetahs could keep a fire in their grotto. Not only did I feel Jamiel should've seen the smoke coming out from the crack in the mountain, a fire in a cave tempts asphyxiation. Try breathing in and out using only a straw, and it's harder to catch a decent breath. Also, I can excuse cheetahs not having thumbs along with their ability to speak as storytelling convention, but I don't recall seeing anything like jewelry, tools (like a comb for Sumon's coat) or decorations that would imply these cheetahs could also make fire.

Fantasy's definition allows stretching reality to fit the story, but placing your story on Earth has caused me to judge this scene by Earth rules. Maybe you could have more than one entrance to the grotto/ventilation for the fire to smooth over the first two issues I brought up up there.

About the characters: Maybe it was the formatting of the dialogue, but I got lost among the names very quickly. Here's what I have to separate cheetah from cheetah.

Jamiel's male.
Sumon's the king, and has a black coat.
Layla's a female servant irritated at who she serves.
Darren isn't black, but he's dark.
Zuni's narcoleptic. (joking)
Kachi's a coward.

I suppose it's a bit disorienting that I know some cheetahs only by their appearance, while others go by title or mannerism. At 802 words in this installment, you had ample room to expand some of the dialogue between the characters, or describing them a little more in detail (but avoid overdoing it!). Something I find helpful when I'm describing what a character looks like is have an attribute act or be acted upon, so you could have something like "The firelight flickered across Sumon's black coat." It's the whole thing about showing vs. telling -- you did a great job showing how the other cheetahs treated Sumon like a king while disliking him, so there was no need for Jamiel to "[race] toward the black king cheetah." How did Sumon become king like that, anyway? Perhaps my question is answered later, but at the moment it seems a little silly imposing a king over a mere five subjects.

About the dialogue: It was decent, but not captivating. Epithets like "Dang it" and "that lame excuse of a cat" sound like products of a continent on the other side of the Atlantic, which didn't help the atmosphere you're trying to build. Ask yourself what cheetahs would find objectionable, inconvenient, or repulsive -- I thought your "piece of carrion" line fit right in character.

And a couple of continuity issues: First, Jamiel approached five cheetahs in the grotto, but it turns out one of them, Kachi, had left before Jamiel got there? And second, I'm not wholly convinced of the names -- most of them I could picture being African names, but not so much with Layla and Darren (the former especially for being an Eric Clapton song).

I feel there's some Lion King influence going on here, which is all right: I love The Lion King and have been looking for a DVD of it forever I'm waiting for some kind of conflict to happen, and two of them are alluded to: the danger of a collapsing grotto, and the possibility of a Lion Pride attack. Until one of those two things happens or another conflict springs up as soon as the cheetahs quit the grotto, the reader's going to have "so what?" echoing in the back of his head.

On the plus side, I'm very forgiving of stories involving non-human protagonists, as I find them to be refreshing changes of perspective. There is much you can do with developing your tribe of cheetahs -- philosophical views (do they even see merit in philosophy?), the impact of a human civilization encroaching on their territory, the knowledge of being an apex predator in exchange for lesser, endangered numbers, and so on. Also, talking animals does not fantasy make, but I'm glad you're not going for the meat-and-potatoes medieval England fairy world setting -- I'm a big fan of the Dune series, so I would love to see more speculative fiction set in deserts, and what these cheetahs are capable of doing.

Take care, and keep writing! That's the most important part!

=Hyun

Hello Hyun,
thanks i can understand about what your saying, like where the cheetahs live. What Griffenkeeper pointed out was that i put a real place mixed with a fantasy place. On my story on the computer i changed the Sararah Desert to the Zolo Desert to kind of match the fantesy of the story. The desert, in the Zolo Desert, there is hardly any green but i will point that out later in the story.
You got most of all my characters right like how i imagian them.
Jamiel is more of a messenger (i forgot to tell that in the prologue)
Sumon is the king and its because of his coat color (which will be explained through out the story)
Layla was an orphan and then taken in by Sumon which she dislikes him for she is a servent.
Darren is more like an advisor, and is very strong willed.
Zuni (like what you said) is more of a jokster, he is never serious about what he does.
Kachi is a coward like you said, he is always quiet and never usually speaks.
About the fire in the cave, they grab branchs that are on fire (by lightning or something of the sort) and kindle them (which also will be explained more on the story)
You said that you are confused about how Sumon became king, as i said earlier its because of his coat color. If you go on writers corner i posted a summery of my story which explains a few of your questions.
Please wright back if you have any more or would like to read my chapter 1 if i post it thanks.

~Panther

This is pretty rough, but I do see potential. But, for some reason it doesn't feel like I'm reading a prolouge, it seems more like a first chapter or something.

Space out your characters when they talk, for instance:

"I am the King of the World!" Billy said.

"Are not!" Susie told Billy.

--

And then when a character is cut in by another character try:

"I am the-"

"Shut up!" Susie said before Billy could finish.

Those aren't the best examples but they get the point across
I love the cheetah theme! Its nice to read something like this that doesn't sound the Warriors books by Erin Hunter. For that, I applaud you, good job!

--
The Gekko

Hey thanks

About the spacing i changed that on my story on the computer after someone told me about it but thanks for your reply.