My Happy Ending's Gone

3 posts
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fragile_heart(!)
Gender Female
Points 2082
Reviews 71
Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:20 pm
fragile_heart(!) says... · Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:20 pm
(Yeah, this sucks. I know xD I wrote it two years ago, and it was one of
my 'better' poems. But I still suck at poetry, so it's okay 8) )

Revive me when it's over,
as for now just let me sleep.
You can tell me all about her
but you won't see me weep.

My sorrow's kept within,
the greatest sacrifice I'll pay.
I'd rather you be happy
then to worry about my say.

As you tell me how you love her
there's only one thought in my mind;
How selfish I'd be to ruin
the true love that you may find.

My happy ending's gone,
yours has yet to be.
But you'll always see me smiling
as much as it hurts me.
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Angels-Symphony
Gender Female
Points 4362
Reviews 263
Tue Jul 21, 2009 7:03 pm
Angels-Symphony says... · Tue Jul 21, 2009 7:03 pm
Hey Frag ^^ Shina here for a review ;)

I. Nitpicks

Revive me when it's over,
as for now just let me sleep.

Comma after, now, unless that ruins the flow you wanted.

You can tell me all about her
but you won't see me weep.


I feel like the last line should be changed to something like :

"and I won't show you that I weep."

Something with more syllables that connects to the sentence.

My sorrow's kept within,

*sorrows, no apostrophe




As you tell me how you love her
there's only one thought in my mind;

Colon here : not semi colon.



My happy ending's gone,
yours has yet to be.

Semicolon after "be".


But you'll always see me smiling
as much as it hurts me.


Good ending ^^

II.Overall

This was really catchy, but you need to work on some of the rhymes so they don't eat up the poem. I especially like the last stanza/sentence.

Read your poem aloud and I think you'll be good to go ^^

-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.
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xXMasterXx
Gender Female
Points 1505
Reviews 13
Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:35 am
xXMasterXx says... · Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:35 am
Greetings Fragile!
I love this poem. You've made it very easy for the reader to relate to what's going on in the poem, and I like that. Just one little thing. Make sure you have punctuation after each line. It just helps things flow better. Other than that, this poem was amazing. I'm giving you a gold star too!
I like walking in the rain 'cause no one knows I'm crying.
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3 posts


You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling