Wake Up part 1 (edit)

*edited it a little bit from the first time I submitted it. No major changes, just a few words here and there*




Blue Eyes.
Rita had no idea what his real name was, so that’s, knowing how stupid it could sound outside her head, what she decided to call him. Blue Eyes. She’d never talked to him before, knew next to nothing about him, but just found him…She couldn‘t even figure out what she found him. She just couldn’t stop thinking about him.
The first time Rita saw Blue Eyes was when she was walking out of her second period classroom, a month into the first semester of her senior year at high school.
She looked over her shoulder, trying to catch what her teacher was yelling to them about homework, and WHAM! She was on her ass and rubbing her forehead. Rita, appropriately mortified tried to avoid everyone’s eyes when she looked down to try and find her books. Her hands found his glasses first. When she saw them she looked up, now knowing why her forehead hurt so much. Blue Eyes was standing right over her, a bright red splotch on his head where her forehead whacked his.
“Uhh…” He started to say.
Rita quickly handed him his glasses and tried to say something, anything, but the words wouldn’t come out. She couldn’t even say sorry, but could only return the “Uhh…”
Even when her mouth started doing that speechless, fish looking thing where it just starts opening and closing, Rita still couldn’t look away from him. Even behind the rimless glasses he’d put on, his eyes were the kind of blue that bores into your soul, grabs hold of something in you and doesn’t let go.
Rita was finally able to get a hold of her lips with enough time to give him an uneasy, “I’m sorry, I’m weird, I’m also a mute,” kind of smile. He smiled back and started walking away.
She was still on the floor but didn’t really realize that until someone from her class hoisted her up and someone else handed her the books that had fallen out of Rita’s hands and another person started asking questions to make sure she wasn’t concussed. Rita’s legs were shaking and could feel the bump under her bangs growing as they fussed. Her teacher had one of them walk her to the nurse. Still slightly wobbly, Rita started walking and saw Blue Eyes in front of her.
He was looking over his shoulder. And Rita was a little shocked to find that her heart was beating unnervingly fast at the thought that he was staring at her.

When Rita got home that day she threw her books onto her bed as hard as she could, trying to get out as much of the frustration that had been building as she could. Wasn’t staying invisible this year my goal? For the love of God, why did I have to run into him? Rita thought to herself in self pity.
At least it’s Friday. That’s what the guy who walked her to the nurse kept saying. Rita must have looked nervous and embarrassed, because he kept saying reassuring things like “Everyone will forget about this by Monday,” or “At least you have bangs so no one can see that huge bump.” Eventually the school nurse kindly asked him to leave, and he did.
For the rest of the day Rita felt like there were little titters and giggles following her around. She tried to keep her head down, her bangs over the bump, not wanting to see more people looking at her. At lunch Rita’s best friend, Carmen, kept assuring her that no one really cared and no one was even talking about it.
“Lovely Rita, honey, please shut up about it,” she said to Rita in her kindest voice, “it’s not like it will matter a year from now. Hell, anyone who even cares about it now will have lost interest in a week.”
Rita sighed, unconvinced, and slunk down in her chair. “Yeah, yeah. I bet my bump won’t be gone in a week though. Is it really noticeable?”
Molly, one of Rita’s other friends at the lunch table laughed a little, but Carmen cut her off with an icy stare from her dark brown eyes.
“Just make your bangs more like…this,” she brushed Rita’s bangs from the side part Rita liked to keep her hair in, so the bangs covered all of her forehead and fell almost completely in her eyes.
“Carmen…” Rita said, a little unsure, “I can’t really see like this.”
“Do you want to be able to see, or do you want people to see that mountain on your forehead?” Molly asked bluntly.
Carmen’s eye twitched and she threw a pretzel at Molly.
“Thanks for that,” Carmen said eliciting a stuck out tongue from Molly, “Rita, don’t worry about it, just keep putting ice on it like the nurse said to do.”
The ice did help, though. Rita kept icing her forehead and by the end of the day most of the swelling had gone down.
When she was driving home she could hear the dry crack of thunder. It hadn’t started raining yet, but there was the electricity of it in the air and it made Rita’s hair stand on end.
Back in her room she tried to do her homework. She tried to focus, but couldn’t. Her mind would constantly drift off, and right away all she’d be able to think about would be him. The blue eyes, each freckle and speckle, committed to memory. Feeling hopeless and frustrated, she gave up and flung herself on her bed, not caring that she was laying on her bag, still there after she threw it and all of her books onto it.
She closed her eyes and called up his face, tracing each part of it in her mind…
And was interrupted when her mom knocked on her door, making Rita snap her eyes open and get up.
“Hey,” she said to her in the doorway.
“Hey,” Rita said back.
“Just got home.”
“Ah. Good day?” Rita asked
There was a slight crinkle where her mom brought her eyebrows together, “Yeah, it was.”
Rita could feel her thinking: It shouldn’t be this hard to talk to my daughter, should it? It made her feel a little guilty for not trying harder.
“How was your day, sweetie?” Rita’s mom asked, eyebrows still folding the skin between them.
“Ahh…” Come on, tell her what happened. Tell her about him. She needs it, Rita urged herself. “It was okay. Nothing all that interesting.”
Her heart fell with her mother’s face. “Oh, that’s…nice. Good.” she forced a smile onto her tired lips, “Do you think you’ll go out this weekend? It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
Rita looked away slightly, “I don’t know…I have a lot of homework.”
“Maybe you could go out with Carmen? I could give you money for a movie…”
“I’ll be fine here, Mom.” Rita still couldn’t meet her mother’s eyes, never could these days, they just seemed too watery, too soft, too much of a reminder. “How about I make us dinner tonight?” Rita said, trying to inject some happiness into her voice and hoping that her mother would say yes and mean it and they could talk like they used to.
Her mom gave Rita the careful, sad smile she always gave Rita now, “That would be nice. Just give me a few hours to rest, okay?”
Rita nodded, still looking everywhere but at her mother’s eyes and closed her door when her mom walked away.
Rita knew she wasn’t going to eat dinner with her tonight. Her mom was going to go into her room, open another bottle of wine, drink most of it, pop a sleeping pill, and cry and cry and cry in her empty bed, thinking the whole time that Rita can’t hear her and that Rita doesn’t know about any of it. And Rita wishes she didn’t know it.
She wanted to cry too. Wanted to break, at least a little. Definitely not as much as her mom had, but just enough to prove that she’s normal, because that’s what normal people do when tragedy strikes: they cry, they break, they fall down, and they cry some more.
But normal people’s mothers probably don’t break so permanently. Normal people probably don’t have to hold on to some sort of sanity so their mother won’t have to cry all the time.
Rita touched her door and thought of crawling into that bed with her mother. She thought of snuggling against her for the warm and safe feeling, and telling her how much she miss him too. Rita wanted to go to her mom and let her kiss the top of Rita’s head and smooth back Rita’s hair. Instead Rita crawled back into her own bed, closed her eyes, and thought about Blue Eyes some more, thankful for a safe escape.

Hi Kyla/Marie,
Your story was a good start! The plot was easy to follow, and you left a cliffhanger to keep the reader interested and wanting to know more. (who died?).
I think you switched between tenses a little:

. . .thinking the whole time that Rita can’t hear her and that Rita doesn’t know about any of it. And Rita wishes she didn’t know it.

couldn't
didn't
wished

But normal people’s mothers probably don’t break so permanently. Normal people probably don’t have to hold on to some sort of sanity so their mother won’t have to cry all the time.

didn't
didn't
wouldn't

There are a couple other times this happens so I think you should read through your story and change the tenses so they're all the same (tense).

. . .how much she miss him too.

missed

Other than this I think the story has real potential and you should definitely keep writing on it!
~Zanna

Thank's a lot for the input. I'll try and fix that.

Good morning, Kyla! Or is it Marie? I'm gratified for the choice, but I don't want to make the wrong one.

My first thought with your story is that it doesn't have the atmosphere of fantasy, yet. I'll come back to the "yet". Normally, fantasy takes place in a world different from ours, but I don't mind if it takes place on Earth -- think fairy tales. When placing the story on Earth, however, you must make it clear to the reader that different rules are in effect. I just read a piece about a one-sided high school romance and alienating a mother, a story I could well expect to find in the young adult section.

I peeked ahead and believe I read mention of medieval knights in your third part, hence the "yet." And I understand that the 1500 word soft limit on posts is an unfortunate restriction on developing your setting while starting the story off -- perhaps that's good practice, though, as there are so many stories out there that you must seize any reader who comes across your story as quickly as possible.

A question:

She couldn‘t even figure out what she found him.

Would that be "found in him"?

I'm also trying to figure out the logistics of turning one's head around to look and suddenly clashing foreheads together like orchestral cymbals. At first, I thought Blue Eyes was ahead of Rita, making a forehead lump impossible, so I guess he was tailgating her instead. Remind me not to drive in front of him (:)) and possibly clarify their relative positions to avoid confusing moments for the reader.

Your dialogue flows well, and Rita has interesting trains of thought. Your description, however, is a little sparse. High school is a serviceable description for anyone within that age group; to other people, they're left with fuzzy visions of lockers and whitewashed halls. Go ahead and drop a detail or two in there -- are the drop tiles in the ceiling crumbling? Does Rita take the main entrance or a side? You'll notice that it becomes possible to tie such details with her psychology to establish an overall mood -- I'd recommend adding more detail to the drive home (does she live in a suburb, a city, or an hour out into the countryside?) and her room (posters? Wall color? Clothes on the floor?).

Do the same for your characters, too -- it seems Blue Eyes got the most attention there. The only thing I recall about Rita are her bangs. Carmen, Molly, and Mom remain talking heads.

Finally, I'm guessing Mom's all broken up over Dad's departure? You don't mention "him" by name, so I can't really know, but I assume his disappearance is some kind of trigger in Rita's story.

One last quick pick:

Feeling hopeless and frustrated, she gave up and flung herself on her bed, not caring that she was laying on her bag...

That should be "lying" there. "Lie" doesn't take an object, "lay" does. It doesn't help that "lay" is also the past tense of "lie," either. I confuse these frequently.

On the positive side, these two lines stick out in my mind:

Rita was finally able to get a hold of her lips with enough time to give him an uneasy, “I’m sorry, I’m weird, I’m also a mute,” kind of smile.

Carmen’s eye twitched and she threw a pretzel at Molly.

Both are concise, yet potent indicators of Rita's and Carmen's personalities -- that whole "show, don't tell" principle at work. I can also identify with poor Rita -- I dove to catch a Frisbee during a P.E. class and my face connected with someone else's knee sprinting from the opposite direction. The left side of my face was a fantastic shade of purple all that week and I actually had more people congratulating me for being man enough to stand off the pain.

And though I was uncertain about the halting dialogue between Rita and her mother, you came through with a good reason for including it. It's my opinion that teenagers realize they have the power to make their parents happy through small gestures (house chores, for instance) and refuse to do so as soon as they can find the smallest trifle in their lives that can take priority over someone else's happiness. I expect Rita's mom to end up in the hospital from her habits one of these days...

I'm glad to see there are two more parts up for me to look through! I want to know if this story's fantasy, after all

=Hyun

Thanks for the comments. But, its just the first part. I know what a fantasy is, and there is a reason they're in the real world. They're there for a reason, just have to give it time (which applies to the description of the characters too, in the next parts).

But you gave a lot of great suggestions and I'll definitely work on the details.

Hey Kyla Marie! I don't want to waste time going over things others have already reviewed, but I feel I must briefly mention them anyway. Like ZannaShepherd pointed out, you switch from past tense to present tense on several occasions, and this can be easily modified. Personally, tense switches are a big pet peeve of mine, so I'd be careful to watch that you are sticking with one tense. And I would also fix the small nitpick typos and such that are already pointed out.

Now, onto my original ideas of this piece! For starters, I think you have a good, though maybe a tad basic, setup here, with a well written cliffhanger tied in (who died?). It could use some improvement though. I think your character development is good, because readers can easily get a sense of the dynamics in the relationships between Rita, Molly, and Carmen, and Rita and her mom. However, to spice up this development, you need detail. Appearances, small habits, little observations just slipped in about the characters as you go along. This will round out your characters so they can roll through the rest of the story.

Second, your punctuation. You are missing quite a few commas in this piece. I'm not going to go through and place every one of the commas you missed, but I will tell you this, and then trust you can fix it yourself: you need a comma after every time you start a sentence with a transition, and every time you naturally take a pause. To help figure out where commas should be, my best advice is to read your piece out loud. There should be spots where you pause slightly in a sentence, and then you just toss in a comma.

Example: "Rita said, trying to inject some happiness into her voice, and hoping that her mother would say yes, and mean it, and they could talk like they used to." I added commas to this sentence where there are natural pauses.

Lastly, you are a good writer. The dialogue is good between mother and daughter, if a bit bland, but the story shows it's supposed to be that way. This story looks like it is taking an interesting turn into fantasy, and I'm curious to see what fantasy it turns into. For this beginning though, I feel like you could use a little more... pizazz, I guess you could say. Detail, of course, is always helpful, but I think you need a touch more voice, too. Rita, who is third-person narrating the story, does have a definable personality, but I think you need to bring it up a notch so she seems more defined, both by her actions and dialogue. Does that make sense? I guess I just mean, exaggerate her a little. If she has a tendency to be jealous, expand on that, or and anger management issue, expand on that (just for example). Give her enough definition to make her seem a little more emotional, or a little more opinionated. I hope this helped some. Good luck, and keep up with this story!