Lithium

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1180
Reviews 10
Chapter 2: Commencement

Idly I turned towards my mother, “Okay, Mom. Let’s talk.” My mother scrutinized me with a very sober look, “You know how serious this is, Esther, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“And you who said that she would never get her powers,” Mom said laughing.

I was extremely freaked now, “Um… I still think we’re not quite on the same page here.”

“Honey, you have received your first debt.”

“What? But that’s impossible. How the heck am I supposed to protect someone when I can’t protect myself. Is this some kind of joke! I don’t even have any powers yet, except for that stupid shield thing. So what if my mind can’t be read, that’s not going to help anyone here.”

My mother sighed, “Esther, how many times have I told you that you may not have active powers yet, but you being a shield is a great power. You have the ability to block any mental power.

Now it was my turn to sigh, “Yes, Mom, I know that. The fact that seems that you can’t possibly fathom is that that doesn’t progress anything. I can’t even keep my shield up half of the time. My powers haven’t arrived yet and I’m still not allowed to go with the rest of the family on hunts. There’s no way I can take on this debt.

“Honey, I’ve told you that this takes time. The fact that you have found your debt is an incredible progress. This should mean that your powers are soon to come! Tell me, have you felt anything yet?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know, things that you can’t explain, intuitive feelings or guesses - better yet, predictions.”

Flashbacks of earlier occurrings came to my mind, “Well, I’m not particularly sure…”

“Really, tell me!”

“I think I could have felt things, but they could just have been from my imagination. I mean, before I found her I felt like I knew that lightning was about to strike, that someone was calling for help, feelings that didn’t belong to me. Ugh, this is stupid,” I added frustrated. I was getting my hopes up. I really did want to be a successful witch. Although, this was completely frivolous. There was no way that I was beginning to get my powers. I was already comfortable and used to knowing I would never be like my family.

“Esther Zehira, this is not stupid. This gives us even more proof. Oh, I couldn’t be happier sweetie. You’re finally getting what you desperately wanted. Now, back to what I was saying. Being a Saba takes a lot of responsibility. This debt is going to completely alter your life. You will be passionately dedicated to this case. I know this is scary, but I do believe in you - I always have,” my mother’s eyes were watering.

“Thanks, Mom. I just hope you’re right,” I said while giving a very needed hug.

“Don’t worry. Now go upstairs and I’ll be in the kitchen if you girls need anything. Hmm, how do you feel abut spaghetti?”

“Yum, love it. Thanks again, Mom. You’re a life saver, literally.”

I jogged up the stairs and entered my room. It was a bit messy. Clothes were thrown on the floor and the bed. My personal possessions were scattered everywhere. I had a bunch of my favorite band posters like Paramore, Evanescence and My Chemical Romance on my purple walls. My bed was unmade and there sitting on it was our guest.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“You have a very interesting room.”

“Um, thanks.”

“I recall I haven’t properly introduced myself. My name is Amy, by the way.

“Oh, well I guess you probably know my name is Esther by now, Esther Zehira. Um, welcome, I guess.”

“What’s wrong? You seem perturbed.”

“Uh, I guess the weight of all the things that have happened today are finally coming down on me. You probably have already figured out that I’m new to this. Apparently, you will be my first debt.

She looked at me incredulously first, but then her gaze turned sympathetic. “Oh, wow. I don’t know what to say. I thought your mother would be my guardian, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have faith in you. I mean, you’re a Saba. That means a lot."

I scoffed, “Not really."

“What do you mean?”

“Hate to break it to you. But I haven’t received my powers yet; I don’t think I ever will."

“But that can’t be true. If you didn’t have any powers, you wouldn’t have found me."

“Well, I am a shield, but I don’t consider that very useful.”

“Are you kidding? That’s an amazing gift. That means you can’t be detected by a dark lumeni and you can block off any other mental power- as well as shielding everyone else around you.”

“Well, I’ve never seen it that way. But it still doesn’t matter because I haven’t perfected that power very well yet. So…”
“I see that you don’t see your true potential. Don’t you have any other powers? How did you even find me?”

“That I can’t truly explain either. I did feel odd things before I happen to find you.”

“Like what?”

“Feelings, assumptions. I even think that I predicted that lightning would strike and as if someone was calling for help. I assume that was you. Also, I felt as if I could feel your pain and sorrow when you told me what happened to your family. But, I don’t know, this just seems silly.”

“You’re truly amazing.”

“Who, me?”

“Of course you! Don’t you see how gifted you are. You’re a shield, a possible psychic and empath.”

“Whoa, let’s not get carried away here” Did this girl really think I had all that power. There was no way. This was too confusing. I could actually feel her excitement and her certainty. This couldn’t be possible. “This just happened to me today. I have no control over what I felt, or what I’m feeling right now.”
“So, I am correct. What are you feeling right now?”

“I don’t know. Excitement, faith - but these aren’t my feelings.”

“Of course not silly, they’re mine.”

I was speechless. My powers were finally emerging. I admit I had made myself resign to the fact that I was going to be the odd one of the family. Though now, everything was happening so fast. It made my head spin. Something weird was going on through my head. After that I felt the presence of my brothers and the doorbell rang.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it, sweetie.”

“Hey, Mom!” my brothers’ voices boomed through all the house.

“You felt that didn’t you,” Amy said with a knowing smile. Great, here came my brothers to rain on my parade.

“Felt what?”

“You know what?”

I desperately needed to change the subject to a less irritating one. “So are you ready to meet the atrocity that are my brothers.”

“Oh, come on. They can’t be that bad.”

“Uh, yes. Yes they can.”

We went down to the kitchen where my brothers were pigging out on Doritos, mini sandwiches and such. Eros had my father’s straight nose, wide smile, hard features and mom’s auburn hair. Zarek had wavy black hair, my nose, which was a weird combination of both our parents and brown eyes like me. Eros was the lucky one, he got our grandmother’s green eyes. They were both sweaty and dirty from playing; Eros, track and Zarek, baseball. They were so into their food that at first they didn’t notice anything.

“Oh, don’t worry girls. The food is just about ready,” my mother said.

I guess the plural made them look. “Boys, don’t be rude. We have a guest. Esther’s first debt.”

Eros rose his eyebrow contemplatively, but Zarek looked dubious. “Honestly, I mean, this isn’t a joke, right? Big sis here finally got her first debt. Wow, Ze, I didn’t know you had it in you. I would have thought that you were never coming out of that miserable, cynical black hole you live in.”

“Ha ha. Yeah, thanks for your moral support, little bro. Anyway, this still isn’t very clear yet. Due to the fact that my ‘powers’ aren’t adjusting quite well to this moment. I can’t control them; they come on their own.”

“You have to patient, Esther. This takes time,” Eros said trying to assure me.

“Well, whatever, I really don’t want to talk about this now. So… can we change the subject, please.”

“Okay, hon, while your brothers help take out the dishes, your father would like to speak to you.”

“What? Like now?”

“Yes, now.”

“He’s up already?”

“Yes, now no more questions. He’s waiting for you in his study. Hurry up!”

What did my father want? What was he doing up so early? I started walking up the stairs when I heard giggling. Leisurely I turned around and saw Zarek talking to Amy. Nice. Now my brother was flirting with my debt. Things couldn’t get better.

My father was reading a book I didn’t recognize when I entered the study. He was sitting in his favorite black velvet chair. He looked up at me and smiled, “Take a seat, sweetheart.”

I sighed, “Hey, Dad, what’s up?”

“Your mother told me that you have received your first debt. Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t seem too happy about it. Is there something wrong?”

“Not necessarily. I’ve just had a long day.”

“Hmm, I bet. Albeit, since you have started getting glimpses of how your life is going to be now as a witch, I wonder if you have been feeling any part of your other half.”

“Uh, I think I did, but I’m not sure.”

“What did you feel?”

“Well, when I found Amy, it wasn’t because I saw her first. It was because, um, because I smelled her. She was unconscious and was surrounded by blood; it kind of smelled good,” I lowered my head bashfully.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of Esther. You are half vampire and it’s part of who you are. Those reactions are natural. I’m just worried because there will be times that you will find the scent overwhelming. You have to be careful. Just because you can survive on human food only does not mean that your body will not crave blood at other times. You understand this, don’t you?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Are you taking your supplements?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Good,” my father stood up and at an unnatural speed, got over to me and gave me a hug. “Love you. Now behave, act responsibly and good luck. Even though, I’m sure you won’t need it” I scoffed internally, “Thanks, Dad. I love you too.” If only I had as much faith in me.
Last edited by PINKstripedSOCKS on Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:05 pm, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1145
Reviews 37
This was great!!! :smt038 As I told you not very long ago, I feel very addicted to this story. :smt024 So, don't be mean :smt079 :smt064 and post more! ...........Or else :smt077/. And I mean it!
To Live A Creative Life We Must Lose Our Fear Of Being Wrong.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3527
Reviews 41
Hello there!!! :smt026 I was so happy when you updated!!!! :mrgreen: It was really good!!! But can I tell you something? STOP USING BIG WORDS!!!!!! :smt093 Half the time I don't get what your saying!!! When I read this I need to have a dictionary with me!!! This time you only used one and kind of understood it. Well anyway it was really good!!! Next time don't take so long to update!!!! OK? Type faster please!!!! :smt024 Well that's it!!!! See ya!!!

Loved it!!! :smt023
wookielover17
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 4
HEY!!!! This chapter was really cool i liked it a lot. sorry i hadn't gotten around to read it sooner. it's really interesting and i can't wait to read more, so update as soon as you can.
"Be the Fruit-LOOP in a world full of cheerio's"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1068
Reviews 39
Hello there, Blue Socks! This is James, and I'll be reviewing this. Granted, this is Chapter Two, and I haven't exactly read Chapter One, but what the heck? Oh and I’ll add that I’ll only review about half of it because of time issues, but later I shall return to do this rest! :]


Idly I turned towards my mother

It's great to have description right away here, but "idly" implies no movement, whereas "turning" is a movement. As far as that goes, changing "idly" to something else would greatly help, and maybe you want to keep the same type of word...though perhaps not an adverb, but an adjective. "Uninterested, I turned..." or "Apathetic, I turned..." something like that.

“And you who said that she would never get her powers,” Mom said laughing.

Here I can really see you're developing the characteristics and tones of both characters, but this quote requires more effort on the readers part to really get the first time around. Re-wording it would help, maybe to something like "And you said you would never get powers", without the extra "who", "that she" and "her".

I was extremely freaked now,

"extremely freaked"! Blue Socks, you can do better than that! It's realistic because that's how us kids describe things these days, but it's not at all as interesting as some alternatives I'm sure you could think up.

How the heck am I supposed to protect someone when I can’t protect myself.

That needs a question mark, I believe. :]

Is this some kind of joke!

That too.

So what if my mind can’t be read, that’s not going to help anyone here.”

That too...maybe you should split that into two different thoughts. "So what if my mind can't be read? That isn't going to help anyone here."

My mother sighed, “Esther, how many times have I told you that you may not have active powers yet, but you being a shield is a great power. You have the ability to block any mental power.

I don't understand.....the main character's mother is saying "How many times have I told you..." but didn't she just find out that Esther had this power?

Now it was my turn to sigh, “Yes, Mom, I know that. The fact that seems that you can’t possibly fathom is that that doesn’t progress anything. I can’t even keep my shield up half of the time. My powers haven’t arrived yet and I’m still not allowed to go with the rest of the family on hunts. There’s no way I can take on this debt.

Everything here is clear except the second thing Esther says: "The fact that seems that you can't possibly fathom..." doesn't make much sense, but I get what you mean. Getting rid of "that seems" would help a lot.

Ugh, this is stupid,” I added comma frustrated.


“Esther Zehira, this is not stupid. This gives us even more proof. Oh, I couldn’t be happier comma sweetie. You’re finally getting what you desperately wanted. Now, back to what I was saying. You have a lot of short sentences in this little monologue thing. I think right here, where I'm typing, you could actually connect these two. "Back to what I was saying - " use hyphens, colons and other things because one form of writing taking over your piece will get boring for the reader. Being a Saba takes a lot of responsibility. (take away comma, add "and")? This debt is going to completely alter your life. You will be passionately dedicated to this case. I know this is scary, but I do believe in you - I always have,” my mother’s eyes were watering.


I jogged up the stairs and entered my room. It was a bit messy. Clothes were thrown on the floor and the bed. My personal possessions were scattered everywhere. I had a bunch of my favorite band posters like Paramore, Evanescence and My Chemical Romance on my purple walls. My bed was unmade and there sitting on it was our guest.

Good description, but when you added actual band names (albeit, AMAZING bands) it sort of detracted from the fantasy of the piece. It felt like reality was just showing up really quickly to slap me in the face and then leave again. I mean, reality is good, but when you get too specific it reminds people about how what they're reading is fiction, and makes the read that much less interesting.

“Uh, I guess the weight of all the things that have happened today are finally coming down on me. You [probably have]<switch those two words, maybe? already figured out that I’m new to this. Apparently, you will be my first debt.<<here I think you should either contract "you" and "will" or get rid of the comma after "apparently". Just for nit-picky style purposes. And add end quotation.


Don’t you see how gifted you are.

Question mark. :]

“Whoa, let’s not get carried away here period” Did this girl really think I had all that power. Question mark There was no way. This was too confusing. I could actually feel her excitement and her certainty. This couldn’t be possible. <maybe here squish those two sentences together - "I could feel her excitement and her certainty, but this just couldn't be possible." “This just happened to me today. I have no control over what I felt, or what I’m feeling right now.”


It made my head spin. Something weird was going on through my head.

Like spinning? =D Sorry. I think one of these two phrases could be done away with.

After that kind of boring...maybe "suddenly" or something I felt the presence of my brothers and the doorbell rang.


I'm going to stop here and do the rest of this later, Socks, seeing as I don't have much time, but I'd like to say that so far I'm definitely loving the dialogue and I'm actually sort of getting into the plot and all. The characters seem like they have set personality traits, and I'd love to see how the handle/view the rest of the story and how they develop. A few grammatical things, but nothing too serious at all. A very nice read, and I'll definitely be back for the rest!! :]

--James
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed by that which it was nourished by.
(Exerpt from Shakespearean Sonnet Number 73)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1068
Reviews 39
I just realized I had been calling you Blue Socks!! So sorry, Pink Socks. I guess I was confusing you with the last person who posted something. =P!
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed by that which it was nourished by.
(Exerpt from Shakespearean Sonnet Number 73)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1068
Reviews 39
Hey Pink Socks! I apologize for the gap in time, and the misconception regarding your name. =]
Now, back to the reviewing...

“Hey, Mom!” my brothers’ voices boomed through all the house.

I think "through all" would sound better as "throughout" without the "all".

“You felt that comma didn’t you question mark” Amy said with a knowing smile. Great, here came my brothers to rain on my parade.

“You know what?” (Is the main character saying this?)

I desperately needed to change the subject to a less irritating one. “So are you ready to meet the atrocit(y) (ies) that are my brothers question mark


We went down to the kitchen where my brothers were pigging out on Doritos, mini sandwiches and such. I think "such" should be "other things" or something, since it seems the way you wrote it like you're defining "Doritos" as "mini sandwiches and such", which is silly. :] Eros had my father’s straight nose, wide smile and hard features comma and mom’s auburn hair. Was there purpose in that you wrote "my father's" and then just "mom's"? Zarek had wavy black hair, my nose, which was a weird combination of both our parents apostrophe after the "s" and brown eyes like me. Eros was the lucky one, he got our grandmother’s green eyes. They were both sweaty and dirty from playing; Eros, track either insert a comma here or use none at all and Zarek, baseball. They were so into their food that at first they didn’t notice anything. Anything at all? Or just the main character's actions?


I would have thought that you were never coming out of that miserable, cynical black hole you live(d) in.”


Due to the fact that my ‘powers’ aren’t adjusting quite well to this moment.

Should "to" be "at"?

You have to patient, Esther. This takes time,” Eros said trying to assure me.
Sounds very pleasant. Aren't her brothers "atrocious"?

“Well, whatever, I really don’t want to talk about this now. So… can we change the subject, please question mark


He looked up at me and smiled, “Take a seat, sweetheart.”

The comma after "smiled" should be a period, because you can't smile sound. :] I completely get what you mean though, it's only a picky grammatical thing.

“Hmm, I bet. Albeit, since you have started getting glimpses of how your life is going to be now as a witch, I wonder if you have been feeling any part of your other half.”
I'm not so sure that's a good word to use here. It can mean "although" but really only in certain places would it sound right.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of comma Esther. You are half vampire and it’s part of who you are. Those reactions are natural. I’m just worried because there will be times that you will find the scent overwhelming. You have to be careful. Just because you can survive on human food only < confusing. Maybe re-word..."survive on human food alone" does not mean that your body will not crave blood at other times. You understand this, don’t you?”

Interesting.

“Good,” my father stood up and at an unnatural speed, got over to me and gave me a hug. “Love you. Now behave, act responsibly and good luck. Even though, no comma I’m sure you won’t need it period” I scoffed internally, “Thanks, Dad. I love you too.” If only I had as much faith in me.


Well I suppose I did much more than half last time, because this was significantly shorter. But anyway, good ending for that chapter, if it is the end. :] The vampire thing was a nice little twist, very unexpected (then again, I didn't read Chapter One, so you might have included that beforehand).
I like the way this is going. This chapter was definitely informative and I'm not particularly confused about what's going on. However, I don't know what a "debt" is, but I'm assuming you've either explained it previously or will in the future. You have a clear voice and the tiny grammatical things are the only real errors I could find. I guess that's all I have to say - I hope I've helped and it'd be great to see more of this!

P.s. I don’t understand the title, probably because I missed some of the story, but the character names are very creative and not too in-your-face. Well-done. =)

--- James
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed by that which it was nourished by.
(Exerpt from Shakespearean Sonnet Number 73)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 5
Hey Pink Socks! :elephant:

(I love that elephant smiley so, so much!)

I am so sorry for not reading this earlier! Especially since it was so good! Seriously! I really liked it! I'm not a nit-picky kind of girl, I don't even notice about that kind of stuff - even though I think I should, only for reviewing purposes.

And especially since now the post ratio or whatever they call it will be 3:1 instead of 2:1. And then 4:1, and then 5:1! I'll go mad!

Anyway. Back to your story. What is there to say? I really loved it, and I cannot wait for the next chapter.

Love ya so much! Post soon!

Joy.
And though I try to reach you,
And time is closing in on me
Most of us carry on as if nothing ever matters,
But I ask you my love
Will you hold on to me forever?

Robi Draco Rosa - Mad Love



I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins