'Til Summer Comes Around Chapter One

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A/N: I would just like to say, first of all to anyone who reads this, thank you so much for reading. But i would also like to explain something. I have never in my entire life been to California, or anywhere near the beach for that matter. I have also never written a romance novel. So, if you spy anything that does not seem to fit in with anything please let me know, because i don't want to seem like a fool for putting something in there that should not be. Any critique is both welcome and wanted =-). ~Frankie Belle~

He was always there. He was always alone. And he was always thinking.
He was like a ghost, detached from society, haunting the same place day after day just to stand at the very end of the pier where he worked each summer and breathe in the salty sea breeze and feel the caress of the setting sun. But he also came to remember her...



.1.

Cal breathed in the bittersweet aroma of brewing coffee as he stepped nonchalantly into ‘The Bean’, calling, “Dom!”
“Hey, Dom?” he said upon reaching the counter. He scratched his head and looked about the coffee shop for his friend, “Dominic?”
“I’m right here,” said Dom as he rushed in from the kitchen with a bin of clean cups and saucers. He did not look at Cal.
Cal cocked his head at him and hopped over the counter top, hardly noticing how Dom was keeping his back toward him.
“What do you need, Cal?” Dom said after a while of silently stacking the dishes beside the espresso machine.
“We’re all about to head up to the secret cove for the first surf of the summer, I’m here to help you escape,” he replied, “Come on, man, grab your board and all that jazz; I know you keep it here.”
“Uhh... I can’t go,” Dom rasped, stuffing the empty bin into the cabinet beneath the coffee machines.
Shocked, Cal raised his brow and walked over to be beside Dom, but Dom turned his back on him again.
“What do you mean ‘you can’t’?” he gasped, “We’ve gone to the secret cove since we were ten years old, Dom.”
“Get off my back about this, Cal, I can’t go this year,” Dom said, filling two cups with strong black coffee and topping them with steamed milk. He placed them on the counter top with the sign labeled “pick-ups” and rang the bell, “Besides... The secret cove isn't even a secret cove. It's just a private beach we've been sneaking onto without anyone knowing for the passed few weeks."
He danced around Cal and hurried into the kitchen, where he picked up three full garbage bags and carried them out the back door. Cal followed, saying, “Give me one good reason why you can’t go and I’ll leave you alone.”
“I already did give you a reason,” Dom pointed out, “I can’t.”
“Well, that’s not good enough,” Cal said, folding his arms across his chest.
Dom’s shoulders slumped as though he had tired of playing his game, and he slowly turned around, removing his red plaid fedora as he did so. Cal’s jaw clamped shut when his eyes fell upon the dark bruise painted over the left side of Dom’s face. His brow was cut as well as his bottom lip.
He loosened his tie to reveal the ring of bruises around his neck.
“Jesus!” breathed Cal, cupping Dom’s face to examine the wounds, “Jesus!”
Dom rolled his eyes, nodding.
“What the heck happened to you!” cried Cal.
“I got into a fight,” Dom replied flatly.
“With who?” Cal demanded.
Dom shoved him away and shouted, “None of your business!”
Cal swallowed and fell silent.
“I’m sorry, Cal...” Dom muttered, “I’m just really stressed out trying to keep up with my jobs here and working toward that whole scholarship thing with my art and all that... And all this crap with my mom and dad...” He seemed as if he knew he had said too much.
“What’s going on with your mom and dad?” Cal asked.
“They split up, Cal, you know that,” Dom replied, tossing the garbage into the dumpster, “And now that I’m old enough they want me to decide who I want to stay with.”
“Sounds nasty,” Cal remarked.
Dom sighed, put his hat back on, and tightened the tie around his neck, “Yeah well... I gotta get back to work...”
“Where are you staying at tonight?” Cal asked.
“Probably with my dad,” he replied, gulping.
Cal nodded.
“Look, I’ll make it up to you,” Dom promised, “I just can’t today... Or this week... But I will make it up to you, I swear.”
Last edited by bElL3 on Sun Jul 19, 2009 3:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey there! I'm Mars and I will be your reviewer!

First off I noticed a few things in your writing. Noting huge but just little things...

He was always there. He was always alone. And he was always thinking.

And shouldn't start your sentence. Take out the period and put a comma instead or if you insist on 3 sentences then I advise a rewording of sentence number 3.

“Besides... The secret

Umm...this does not seem to be a complete thought, or wither MC or writer. If your MC trails off you need to show that with the proper grammar so your readers do not become confused.

Other then that I also noticed that you tend to use 'said' a lot. You have periods of your story where you'll say things like rasp, gasp, or mutter but then you have it where it will be noting but said for quite a few lines of dialogue.

Okay, and this is my last tidbit of harsh advice. I would go through and add a bit more detail. Describe the secret spot, the coffee shop. Your characters need fleshing out as well, both the physical and depth kind.

Now it was rather short so of course I know you couldn't really fit it all in there but an extra line here or there never hurt anyone.

I am sorry again for the harsh critic. I understand if you take done of my advice, it is your story after all. I just hoped I helped at least a little.

Good Job and Happy Writing!
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




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Thank you so much for taking the time to review me! I know the "And" is against the rules, but I like the way it sounded with the first three sentences. As for the other thing, my little brother came in while I adding that sentence and honestly i can't write with anyone in the room with me. It's like they're a thought crippler.
I'm not trying to dance my way around the critique though, I was just embaressed that I had forgotten to finish that sentence, I usually don't do that but of course it was late at night while I was typing this off paper=-)Once again thank you for reviewing, I've already fixed the things you pointed out.

bElL3
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Well this is off to a pretty good start. For one, its very intruiging and I like where you're going with this. I also like your writing. i didn't get here before the other critique obviously so I have no grammer issues to pick with you.

I get how you get the flow in your head and sometimes the rules of grammer or punctuation or whatever just escape you. Which is fine until someone points it out. In my writing there are so many fragment sentences that I have to tell the computer to ignore them now. Go with the flow you hear in your head. Some people will just have to deal, but remember its still your writing. I like that line by the way. Even though it seems sad. I guess that's prolly the point.

"He was always there. He was always alone. And he was always thinking."

Please write more and let me now when you do!
"You're special." "Like, 'Stop eating the paste' special?"
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"No Day But Today"
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May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year