The Grotto Of Grottos (part 2)

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I allowed those four words to swim inside my head for a few seconds. My heart was aching for me to take another step forward; to continue my journey. However, I thought about Alvin, mum and dad – they must be worried about me now. What if they thought I was kidnapped, and called the police, only to find me ‘playing around’ in a cave? It was not only embarassing, but I could be grounded for weeks!

Moments later, I decided to ignore my heart, which was already screaming, pleading for me to walk into the grottos. Beginning with a few slow, small steps, I finally tore my eyes away and turned my back on them.

But before I could go any further, I heard a humming noise. I spun around and to my surprise, saw several humanlike figures. They were moving in a strange way, as if they were dancing and marching at the same time. They were all wearing either leaves or feathers on their heads, which reminded me of Red Indians. Thinking that they were native people passing by, I stepped forward towards them.

“Hey…er…do you think you can help me…” I began.

The words died away. My eyes widened.

The figures in front of me were in fact, not human. They seemed like people a while ago, but when I looked closer, I noticed that all of them were in black from head to toe and had only white circles for eyes and a mouth. Their expressions were of surprise as they spotted me, but in a split second, their features turned sinister. They began approaching me, hands outstretched.

Cold sweat broke across my forehead. “No…no…don’t come closer!” I screamed, accidentally stumbling over a rock.

The figures continued to walk towards me. My heart began pounding as I turned to the grottos. Only one way to go, I thought.

With a deep breath, I ran towards the nearest grotto and jumped inside. To my shock, there was no ground there, but only what seemed like a bottomless pit. I heard the yells of the figures behind me, but I didn’t dare to look back. Then, gusts of wind blew around me. They felt like spikes hitting my skin. I could only bite my lip and close my eyes tightly as I continued falling.

Suddenly, I hit something hard. The force of the impact caused me to roll over and over. After a few turns, I finally stopped, and slowly looked up.

To my surprise, I found myself in a dry grassland. The sun was shining brightly above, and I could smell the stench of grass and soil. I stood up and found myself in front of a familiar tree. Where did I see it again…?

Then, I remembered a picture from my social studies textbook, and compared it to the tree before me. A thick trunk. Also called the upside-down tree…

A baobab tree!

But…aren’t baobab trees mostly found in Africa?

Suddenly, a deafening roar split the silence of the situation. I jumped and spun around. To my horror, it was a large, adult lion! Its eyes were directed towards me, as if it could sense my terror.

I choked. A real lion!

“No...please go away!” I stepped backwards as the lion slowly paced closer, eyes still fixed upon me. After a few steps, my back hit the trunk of the baobab tree.

“Please!” I cried, my eyes shut. “I don’t want to die!”

I could sense the lion right in front of me, and I was almost sobbing as I waited for it to pounce onto me; waited for the pain to come. However, surprisingly, after some seconds, nothing happened. I slowly opened my eyes.

The lion was just about fifteen inches away, but it merely continued looking at me. I looked back, trembling with fright.

To my surprise, the lion let out a funny sound. It begin opening and closing its mouth, and rolled in the sand wildly. I could only stare.

Is it…laughing at me?

The lion, still rolling with laughter, managed to catch a glimpse my astonished face, and spoke: “God…hahahahahaha…what a sucker you are!”

A talking lion? I must be crazy! I hit myself on the head several times, just to make sure. But when I stopped, the lion had stopped laughing, and was now eyeing me.

“You know, I guess I’m right!” he said. “Kids nowadays hurt themselves for no apparent reason.”

I kicked the sand, feeling slightly angry. “Who…or what are you?!” I shouted. “There’s no way animals can talk! You’re just…just a dream! Everything’s just a dream!”

The lion sighed warily. “Do you need a bite to let you know?”

There was a pause. I gulped and looked around. If this isn’t a dream, then…?

“What’s going on?” I demanded.

“What’s going on?” the lion mocked sarcastically, apparently irritated. “What’s going on with you? I came here to greet you and this is how you respond? So rude!”

At first, I could not find the right answer. “No…er…I was just…I just thought…I just thought you wanted to eat me!” I replied simply.

“Eat you? What for?” the lion said. “I just had two gazelles…d’you think lions always eat people? You humans are strange…”

I swallowed. “Well…OK, I’m sorry then…” I said hastily. “Do you…do you mind telling me where am I?”

The lion glanced around the grasslands. “Well, you’re in the Seventy-Sixth Grotto.”

“Seventy-sixth grotto? What do you mean?” I asked.

The lion cleared his throat. “Well…you drifted to the Grotto of Grottos on that boat, and attracted the attention of the Mud Marchers.” He explained. “You’re lucky that the Grottos were open…you would have been killed…”

“What…? Mud Marchers…?” That phrase doesn’t sound good.

“The Mud Marchers are a tribe of evil people.” The lion shot a grave look at me. “The Worlds of the Grottos were once very peaceful, until they came. They often try to destroy our Grottos by destroying anything inside our Worlds, though they usually never succeed. But who knows, one day they might.”

Seventy-sixth…grottos…Mud Marchers…I was still confused. “I’m sorry…I still don’t understand…” I began.

Suddenly, I heard a strange sound. It was a humming noise and oddly familiar. The two of us spun around. As I squinted, I could see a group of black silhouettes approaching.

The Mud Marchers!

As the Mud Marchers spotted us, they whistled and chattered excitedly to one another and started running towards us. The lion and I backed away at first, before darting away. However, not long after, the Mud Marchers’ speed increased. I tried to go faster, but there was already a pain at my side, and I slowed down, falling to my knees.

The lion saw my condition and nudged me up with his head. “There is a cave up north. It is a portal to other Grottos.” he told me. “I don’t have time to explain right now, so if you want to know what’s going on, make sure you arrive at a World with a dead tree at your right and a grey sky. You should be able to see Old Miriam – she’s an elder there.”

“But…” I started. However, my words were drowned from the sound of the Mud Marchers’ footsteps.

The lion nudged me again. “Go! Now!” he said commandingly. “And don’t look back!”

I nodded quickly and continued running. I heard the Mud Marchers yelling, and the sound of a roar. I had the urge to look back, but I forced myself to resist it. I could tell from the clashing and shouting that a fight was going on.

After a while of running, I could not hear the sounds of the Mud Marchers, and stopped under another baobab tree to rest. I was wiping sweat from my forehead and breathing heavily when I heard another noise.

It was a soft, tinkling noise. Sounds familiar, I thought.

Then, as I looked up, I saw it. A hole of swirling colours on a nearby rock. The portal!

Without wasting time, I rushed towards it and took a big leap. The colours enveloped me, splashing all over my skin like water. Strangely, I felt cool and light, as if I was floating in the air.

All of a sudden, there was a bright light. My eyes smarted and I shielded them with my hand. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping for the best.

When I opened them, I found myself floating in a realm of darkness. There was no sign of a dead tree, a grey sky or Old Miriam. It was all just a black void. However, as I continued floating, I saw small, white glinting specks around me. They reminded me of silver glitter on black paper.

A thought hit me. Is this…?

As I looked upwards and saw a clump of white specks. They were shaped in an odd way…like a whirlpool.

I let out a gasp. The Milky Way!

My heart begin to beat faster than usual. I felt terrified of my current situation, yet amazed at the sight of the stars around me.

I’m in…space?
Last edited by Lil_Pau on Sun Jul 19, 2009 2:02 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey Pau! I'm back for part two!

I. NITPICKS

several, humanlike figures.


No comma.

They were all wearing either leaves or feathers on their heads, which reminded me of Red Indians.


This is telling, reword it.

To my horror, it was a large, adult male lion!


lions are male, the females are lionesses. Also, exclamation mark doesn't work, methinks...

The milky way!


Should be capitalised.

Okay...

II. DESCRIPTIONS

I felt that your descriptions here were rather telly and not show-y. Try and make them better in this sense, and also, think about how you experience things. Not only with sight but with sound and smell and touch. What does the savannah smell like, is it hot, what sounds are in the air? When the lion comes up to his face, can he smell its breath?

III. CONTINUITY

This was mostly alright in itself, but I didn't feel like it followed on from your last part. Suddenly it was totally random, and the ending as well doesn't seem to fit.

Try and make the transitions smoother. Make us sure that this is the same story as the one where the boy stepped into the boat, and at the end make us believe that it has continued on. At the moment, this is seeming very random compared to the first scene...

IV. OVERALL

Is this your last part? Because that's a very weird ending... overall, it could use some polishing, but I definitely enjoyed parts :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Thanks for the review Stella! :D I'll get on with the editing.
There's another 3rd part to go, which will wrap up the whole thing. :)
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.



The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris