romance fiction

“Frankie! (just for the record, I’m a girl not a boy)I’m gunna go pick up your sisters from ballet. You wanna come or are you gunna stay?” I wiped the sweat off the side of my face. Hmmm go and pick up Molly and Ruth and waste an hour of my day in the car, or stay here and finish what I started.
“I’ll stay, mom.” I called back.
“Ugh, thanks Frankie. Leaving me all alone.” She pouted.
“Mom,” I started to say.
“I’m just pulling your leg sweetie, I’ll be back soon!” she shouted as she hoped into the monstrous SUV. I watched her pull out of the driveway. I really love that lady. I thought to myself grinning. I stabbed the shovel into the dry, thick ground with all the force I could give. It sank half an inch and stopped. Frustrated, I yanked it out and jabbed it into the hard dirt and again, it didn’t do much. Really losing my nerve, I jerked the shovel up and down five times and then my hand started to get sore. Why did the stupid dirt have to be so stiff? I had been outside thirty minutes looking for our time capsule. My sisters and I had buried it last summer. It was really just an old pickle jar filled with letters about what we had done ,things we had made, pictures we had taken-memories galore. I couldn't’t really remember everything we had put in it, or where we had exactly buried it. That was the frustrating part. I was out here in the hot sun digging in impossibly hard dirt where the time capsule might end up not even being in. But I couldn't’t really complain. I mean, it was my fault for burying it and not marking the spot. Either way, I was determined to find it. And I didn’t even know why. I just was.
After finishing my cup of cold, sweet lemonade, I came back outside and dug some more. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. The hole wasn’t even three inches deep yet. Fixed on finding the jar , I stabbed furiously at the ground and………………nothing. I did manage to scrape off some dirt and rip up some roots though. This is hopeless. I thought. I threw the shovel down and plopped down in the grass. I could feel my burning red face starting to perspire again. I laid down. Oh God, dear God, please help me find the jar. Please! I know I should have marked where I dug it and I know I don’t really need it, but I really want it!!! Please help me!!! Amen. I prayed. Just then, I heard soft footsteps in the grass. I quickly sat up, smoothing my sweaty hair down. It was a boy. He looked about my age. His sudden presence had surprised me so it took me a few seconds before I noticed that he had asked me something.
“What” I asked .
“I said, why are you digging here?” he responded with a smirk on his face.
“Oh, I’m ummm looking for something.”I said hesitantly.
“You look like you could use a man’s help.” He said waiting for my response. I stared at him blankly.
“So, do you need any?”
“What makes you think I need any help?” I asked a bit rudely, offended that he thought I was incapable of doing it.
“Well,” he started “your face is all red, your sweating a lot, I saw you stabbing the ground angrily, and I saw you give up.” He offered, pleased with himself. Darn it, he’s right. I thought.
“Ok, fine. Do you wanna help me?” I asked.
“Do you want me to help?”he returned.
“ugh sure.” I responded. Not because I couldn’t do it, of course. But because it would be cool to have my own personal digging slave, you know.
“What’s your name?” he asked. His voice touched my heart. It was so beautiful. A deep but young sound. He coughed trying to bring me back to earth.
“Oh,” I said embarrassed “It’s Franchesca. But people call me Frankie. It’s really weird. I don’t know what was wrong with my mom when she was naming us.”
“I’ll say” he mumbled. I stared at him in disbelief.
“Just kidding,” he laughed musically “It’s actually a really cute name. Frankie” He grinned.
“And what is your name” I asked quickly not wanting an awkward silence to settle.
“I’m Louis. But you can call me Louie if you want. As a pet name since, you have one two. Actually,” he said after a second “don’t call me Louie. It’s too, posh.” He explained with a playful smile on his face.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“I’m fourteen. “
“Oh, I’m fourteen two.” he said casually.
“I thought you were gunna help me dig” I said, starting to feel antsy since he wouldn’t take his gaze off me.
“Yes” he said as he picked up the shovel from the ground. He positioned it so that it was perfectly straight and then suddenly he jumped on it and it dug deep. A good 12 inches deep. He looked up at me and smiled.
“Told ya you needed a man’s help” he snickered.
“Keep working!” I snapped. He laughed and dug some more. I watched as his strong arms worked to lift the dirt and place it in pile next to him. I noticed his dark soft hair as it stuck up with the humidity. His foresty green eyes with a touch of lime concentrated on his work. How had I missed that he was so beautiful?
“So, what are we exactly looking for, again?” he asked interrupting my thoughts. I explained the whole time capsule thing.
“That is so cool! A time capsule? Wow. That’s a smart idea.”
“Yeah but the only thing is, I have no idea where I buried it.” I added, looking at the sidewalk.
“Well, we’ll just have to look really hard won’t we?” he asked enthusiastically. My heart melted. I was kicked myself for wearing my hair all messy today. He smiled and I blushed. Thank you Jesus!
We talked and talked and talked. It turned out that he had just moved in next door yesterday from New York. I also found out that he played lacrosse and that he had two older brothers and a younger sister. He also told me about how his mother had died when he was seven. I told him about how I wanted to be an artist when I grew up and how my sisters were ballet dancers and how I was really mad at my dad for making me take band instead of art. It wasn’t awkward or anything. It was so natural. Suddenly, we heard a CLANK! He stopped digging.
“OMG I think you found it!” I exclaimed. I sank to me knees and started digging with my hands. There it was! The old dirty pickle jar. I pulled it out. It didn’t smell very good but I was so excited to open it! I yanked the top off and turned it over. A letter fell out, and I read it out loud. It said:
This summer was amazing! We went to San Antonio to visit Christopher and Alex and Patrick!! It was so fun cuz me and Alex (who is now 17)went to the mall and we shot people with spit balls from the escalators and they were like “OMG what was that?” it was so funny! He also helped me pick out like five outfits but then we didn’t even have money so he convinced the girl at the register to let me take it for free! Then Tio Alex, took me to Glamour Shots and I took a bunch of really cool pictures it was so fun! Plus me and Molly kept picking on Christopher. We told him that we were going to call the police on him if he didn’t make us sandwiches. Ahh .it was great! Plus Patrick was sooo cute!!! We also went to the Great Wolf Lodge which was so fun with all the water rides and stuff! Ugh I do not want to go back to school. Plus, you haven’t heard the best part!! I met this amazing guy at the aquatic center! His name was Michel and he gave me a necklace!!! It was soooo romantic cuz we would go to the duck pond together and he would read Hary Potter to me haha! The bad part is that he was only visiting his cousins for the summer and had to eventually go back to Colorado and I won’t ever see him again. Ok well I hope you read this next summer!
Love, Frankie
Then I saw the gold locket that was in Louis’s hand.
“So that’s what this is” mumbled Louis. I took it from him. It had taken me forever to forget about Michel. It truly was amazing but, only foolish kid love. It wasn’t real. But it was still a very fun memory in my head. I opened the locket and I saw the picture Michel had put in for me. It was an image of him and me hugging in my tree house in the backyard. I laughed.
“Can I see it?” asked Louis.
“Oh!” I handed it to him.
“Is that this tree house right here?” he asked.
“Yeah, “I said longingly. There was an awkward silence.
“Do you want me to read Harry Potter to you in your tree house right now? I could be your new Michel” he said nervously as he looked at the ground.
“I mean it doesn’t have to be romantic like it was with Michel. We can be just friends if you wan-
I leaned in and kissed him! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG was all that was running through my head.
He put his arms around me and turned his head to kiss me better. Then he stopped and looked at me.
“you’re not a very good kisser.” He said.
“What?!?” I asked, astonished.
“I’m just playing” he said grinning again “your amazing”
And he leaned in to kiss me again.

Hahah, this is a perfect mix of Matt, Garisen, and Thomas.

Love those guys ;D

Over all this was a very good plot. I don't quite understand why she kissed him when she just met him... but maybe I'm missing something. I can't really complain about punctuation or grammar because I myself am no good at it. As you can see I did enjoy the basic plot of the story, and I think if you gave more basic details it might run a bit smoother. But over all it was very good. I hope to read more from you

Hey there!

One big thing that stuck out at me in this piece was that your dialogue wasn't properly punctuated. Here is a quick example of how to punctuate dialogue:

"Hello," I said to Tom.
Tom said, "Hello. How are you?"
"Fine." I glared at him. "And you?"
He bit his lip. "Well. I'm sorry."

If you have a dialogue tag (he said, she said, I said, you said, or anything else like that not always with the "said" part!) then you need a comma. The comma will always be on the left side of the quote marks, depending on how the sentence works. If you have no dialogue tag, then you just use regular punctuation. Here is a link that explains things a bit better: click me!

Another thing about your story was that it kind of wandered around. I didn't really know what was going to happen at any one time and it didn't seem very structured. It was all over the place. For me, that made it hard to focus on the story. Since you know you're writing a romance and who your two characters are, perhaps you should focus more on that instead of, for example, that huge paragraph about her digging for the time capsule. It didn't seem to have any relevance. You could, instead, start when the guy comes up to help her.

I hope this review helps!

Hello ,
I am happy to be reviewing your romance story. Please forgive me if I am a little harsh; I just want to give you the best possible review that will help you the most. I did notice the reviewer before commented on the correction of the dialogue, so I will not comment on this. If you need help with that you can PM at any time. Practice makes perfect, so don't try to memorize the rules of dialogue as I did, but rather practice them. Now on to your review:

"Frankie! (just for the record, I’m a girl not a boy)

Telling us your main character is a girl gives away the chance for you to give us some real description. I don't know if you know what telling is rathering than showing, but a reader would much rather be showed then told. For example:
Telling: It's cold outside.
Showing: The bitter winds ate at my finger tips as I tried to hide my face behind the collar of my jacket, against the cold slapping my cheeks.
Ok so it may not be the best example, but you understand what I mean. So for this you could describe the character, or say a sentence like: I am one of the five girls my parents had or something other than putting in parentheis that you are a girl and interupting the dialogue.

I’m gunna go pick up your sisters from ballet.

This is a little to slang for a mom to be saying this, but if this is how you want the mother to speak then forget this little message ahah.

Hmmm go and pick up Molly and Ruth and waste an hour of my day in the car, or stay here and finish what I started.

This seemed like an idea she was thinking if it is it needs to be italics. Also, this was worded like a question. If it's suppose to be a question it needs a question mark at the end not a period.

“Ugh, thanks Frankie. Leaving me all alone.” She pouted.

Does your mom normally pout? Or talk in this manner. I just don't see any kind of mom talking like this, and it's hard for me, as a read to then, take the character seriously. Also I think this whole dialogue segment was rather boring, and/or maybe useless. Did it progress the plot further?

“I’m just pulling your leg sweetie, I’ll be back soon!” she shouted as she hoped into the monstrous SUV.

The paragraph after this should be indented into it's own paragraph instead of being grouped with this.

I really love that lady.

This should be italized because it's a thought.

I really love that lady. I thought to myself grinning.

These two sentences should be grouped together like this: I really love that lady, I thought to myself grinning. This is because I thought to myself grinning is a fragment and not a complete sentence by itself.

dry, thick ground

Finally some description

Frustrated, I yanked it out and jabbed it into the hard dirt and again, it didn’t do much.

there should be a semi-colon (;) instead of a comma after again because these are both complete sentences, and when combining them you and use one of two things a comma and a conjunction (and, but, or ,for, nor, yet, so) or a semi-colon (;)

Really losing my nerve, I jerked the shovel up and down five times and then my hand started to get sore.

I think the second part of this sentence should read as so: up and down fives times, but my hand...

It was really just an old pickle jar filled with letters about what we had done ,things we had made, pictures we had taken-memories galore.

Instead of - it should be a comma because memories galore is apart of the list you had created, and also it could be just a fragment connecting to your whole sentence.

I couldn't’t really remember everything we had put in it, or where we had exactly buried it.

I think this is just a typo, but it should be couldn't. Also, just a little tip when you re-read your own work you can catch little typos like that on your own so your readers/reviewers can concentrate more on the story itself.

That was the frustrating part.

This is a fragment. What is so frustrating? maybe try connecting it to the sentence before or after by using a comma.

I was out here in the hot sun digging in impossibly hard dirt where the time capsule might end up not even being in.

Combine it to this sentence and rewrite this sentence so it's not has confusing to read. (just a suggestion )

But I couldn't’t really complain. I mean, it was my fault for burying it and not marking the spot.

Never start a sentence with and, but, or because. These words indicate the following is a fragment until you comma a complete sentence on to it. Combine these two sentences together: I couldn't really complain, I mean, it was my fault for burying it and not marking the spot.

Either way, I was determined to find it. And I didn’t even know why. I just was.

Whoah, there's alot of corrections to make, and then it can just be one sentence. Never start a sentence with the word and. I just was is a fragment. Here's how to combine the sentences: Either way, I was determined to find it, and I didn't even know why, I just was.

my cup of cold, sweet lemonade

Yay finnaly little more description

I stabbed furiously at the ground and………………nothing.

I know the series of periods was suppose to create an effect of some kind, but it just doesn't do it for me. Maybe re-word this sentence to try and get the effect that you wanted.

This is hopeless. I thought.

This is hopeless should be italized because it's a thought and the two sentences should be combined like this: This is hopeless, I thought, because I thought is a fragment and not a complete sentence.

Oh God, dear God, please help me find the jar. Please! I know I should have marked where I dug it and I know I don’t really need it, but I really want it!!! Please help me!!! Amen. I prayed.

All of this should be italized because it's a thought or if she said it out loud it should be in quotations. After amen there should be a comma instead of I prayed because it's not a complete sentence. Also, there is no need to use extra exclamation points at the end of sentences. The wording of the sentence and the one exclamation point should be enough to let the readers get your point you are trying to make.

I quickly sat up, smoothing my sweaty hair down. It was a boy. He looked about my age. His sudden presence had surprised me so it took me a few seconds before I noticed that he had asked me something.

Does she live in a place where strangers can come up to you and they just becomes best friends, or is she nervous that hes dangerous or that hes going to hurt her. I know you said she was nervous, but for such a sudden change I need more description as a reader.

“Well,” he started “your face is all red, your sweating a lot, I saw you stabbing the ground angrily, and I saw you give up.” He offered, pleased with himself.

Is he stalking her or what?

Darn it, he’s right. I thought.

Darn it he's right should be italized and there should be a comma after right instead of a period to combine the two. It should look like this: Darn it, he's right, I thought.

Not because I couldn’t do it, of course. But because it would be cool to have my own personal digging slave, you know.

Combine these two sentences so you are not starting a sentence with but, by putting a comma after course and lower casing but. Is this a thought? If so put it italized.

A deep but young sound.

There needs to be a comma after deep because you are using two adjectives to describe the sound. Also yay more description.

He coughed trying to bring me back to earth.
“Oh,” I said embarrassed “It’s Franchesca. But people call me Frankie. It’s really weird. I don’t know what was wrong with my mom when she was naming us.”

This whole part shows us that the main character is a girl so once again the part at the beginning in the parentheis is not needed.

“And what is your name” I asked quickly not wanting an awkward silence to settle.

There should be a comma before and after quickly. Those are naturally pausing points.

“I’m Louis. But you can call me Louie if you want.

Combine these sentences so you are not starting a sentence with but by making the period a comma and lower casing but.

As a pet name since, you have one two.

Two should be too.
Two = the spelling of the number 2
To = to go, to be,
Too = also.
If you don't understand PM and I will give you a greater detailed explanation.

Actually,” he said after a second “don’t call me Louie. It’s too, posh.” He explained with a playful smile on his face.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“I’m fourteen. “
“Oh, I’m fourteen two.” he said casually.

If you met a stranger for the first time on the street would you have a conversation like this one? Would you gladly give them all of your information?

I watched as his strong arms worked to lift the dirt and place it in pile next to him. I noticed his dark soft hair as it stuck up with the humidity. His foresty green eyes with a touch of lime concentrated on his work.

Yay more description

How had I missed that he was so beautiful?

Is this a thought to herself? If so it needs to be italized.

“Yeah but the only thing is, I have no idea where I buried it.” I added, looking at the sidewalk.

There needs to a be a comma after Yeah because it's a natuarl pause. I have some trouble with commas myself and if you ever need help with them just PM me some time

I was kicked myself for wearing my hair all messy today.

This might just be a typo but kicked should be kicking.

He smiled and I blushed.

There should be a comma after smiled but you are combining two complete sentences no matter how small they seem.

Thank you Jesus!

There should a be a comma after you because you are addressing a name.
For example: Tom, I love you.
I love you, Betty.
Thank you, Jesus.

It turned out that he had just moved in next door yesterday from New York. I also found out that he played lacrosse and that he had two older brothers and a younger sister. He also told me about how his mother had died when he was seven. I told him about how I wanted to be an artist when I grew up and how my sisters were ballet dancers and how I was really mad at my dad for making me take band instead of art.

this seems to be a little like info dumping on the reader. Through out the story you could have discribed someof this information if it was relevent, or if they were having a conversation. Infor dumping causes the reader to get bored very quickly. They won't remember any of the info like this when you dump it on them.

“OMG I think you found it!” I exclaimed.

OMG first of all is text lingo and it isn't profressional to use text lingo in a story, but if she literally said O. M. G. you should put the periods at the end like that. Also, only capitalize the first letter. We know she's excited by the exclamation point you put at the end.

It didn’t smell very good but I was so excited to open it!

There needs to be a comma after good because you are combining two complete sentences.

It said:

Instead of saying it said, you could just put a comma and quotations after I read it out loud. (just a suggestion)

We went to San Antonio to visit Christopher and Alex and Patrick!!

There needs to be only one exclamation point.

It was so fun cuz me and Alex (who is now 17)went to the mall and we shot people with spit balls from the escalators and they were like “OMG what was that?” it was so funny!

We don't need to know how old the person is unless he is an important character and in that case you can tell us that when you introduce him into the story, and never just put OMG.

He also helped me pick out like five outfits but then we didn’t even have money so he convinced the girl at the register to let me take it for free!

there should be a comma after outfits because you are joining two complete sentences. There should be a period after money. So should be capitalized and have a comma after it. This is because you have a run-on sentence.

Then Tio Alex, took me to Glamour Shots and I took a bunch of really cool pictures it was so fun!

Is tio alex his name? Also a comma after then.

Ahh .it was great!

It should look like this: Ahh, it was great! Also this whole thing has way too many exclamation points. Was she really that excited while she wrote that? It makes me as the reader not feel the excitment cause there's too much of it.

Then I saw the gold locket that was in Louis’s hand.

There should be a comma after then.

It wasn’t real. But it was still a very fun memory in my head.

put a comma after real and lower case but so you are not starting a sentence with the word but.

I opened the locket and I saw the picture Michel had put in for me.

There should be a comma after locket because you are combining two complete sentences.

“Do you want me to read Harry Potter to you in your tree house right now? I could be your new Michel” he said nervously as he looked at the ground.

That's a little weird... they just met. Makes it feel less realistic.

“I mean it doesn’t have to be romantic like it was with Michel. We can be just friends if you wan-

There should be a quotation mark after the -. Also, how'd he know it was romantic with michel? And they just met... weird.

I leaned in and kissed him!

Would you kiss someone you only knew for probably thirty minutes?

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG was all that was running through my head.

These should all say Oh my God. not OMG that's text lingo.

He put his arms around me and turned his head to kiss me better.

What?! They literally just met...

Overall review:
The mistakes hindered my knowledge of the plot because they jolted me out of the story, but what I can say is that the beginning liek one of your other reviewers seems irrelevent, and the plot seemed a little weird. I mean the two had just met plus he was a stranger why did she let him help her? I would love to see lots more description in this.
If you have any questions please feel free to PM me.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

It's Very Good ? But why did she kiss him the first time they met ? (that's really weird)...

teddybearlala wrote:“Frankie! (just for the record, I’m a girl not a boy)i think you should delete that because it destracts the readerI’m gunnagoing to go pick up your sisters from ballet. You wanna come or are you gunnagoing to stay?” I wiped the sweat off the side of my face. Hmmm commago and pick up Molly and Ruth and waste an hour of my day in the car, or stay here and finish what I started.
“I’ll stay, mom.” I called back.
“Ugh, thanks Frankie. Leaving me all alone.” She pouted.
“Mom,” I started to say.
“I’m just pulling your leg sweetie, I’ll be back soon!” she shouted as she hoped into the monstrous SUV. I watched her pull out of the driveway. I really love that lady. I thought to myself grinning. I stabbed the shovel into the dry, thick ground with all the force I could give. It sank half an inch and stopped. Frustrated, I yanked it out and jabbed it into the hard dirt and again, it didn’t do much. Really losing my nerve, I jerked the shovel up and down five times and then my hand started to get sore. Why did the stupid dirt have to be so stiff? I had been outside thirty minutes looking for our time capsule. My sisters and I had buried it last summer. It was really just an old pickle jar filled with letters about what we had done ,things we had made, pictures we had taken-memories galore. I couldn't’t delete extra 'treally remember everything we had put in it, or where we had exactly buried it. That was the frustrating part. I was out here in the hot sun digging in impossibly hard dirt where the time capsule might end up not even being in. But I couldn't’t delete extra 'treally complain. I mean, it was my fault for burying it and not marking the spot. Either way, I was determined to find it. And I didn’t even know why. comma instead of periodI just was.
After finishing my cup of cold, sweet lemonade, I came back outside and dug some more. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. The hole wasn’t even three inches deep yet. Fixed on finding the jar , I stabbed furiously at the ground and…………less ... like maybe three otherwise it loooks like your jsut tryign to take up space……nothing. I did manage to scrape off some dirt and rip up some roots though. This is hopeless. comma no periodI thought. I threw the shovel down and plopped down in the grass. I could feel my burning red face starting to perspire again. I laid down. Oh God, dear God, please help me find the jar. Please! I know I should have marked where I dug it and I know I don’t really need it, but I really want it!!! Please help me!!! Amen. I prayed. Just then, I heard soft footsteps in the grass. I quickly sat up, smoothing my sweaty hair down. It was a boy. He looked about my age. His sudden presence had surprised me so it took me a few seconds before I noticed that he had asked me something.
“What” I asked .
“I said, why are you digging here?” he responded with a smirk on his face.
“Oh, I’m ummm looking for something.”I said hesitantly.
“You look like you could use a man’s help.” He said waiting for my response. I stared at him blankly.
“So, do you need any?”add a he said or something otherwise it looks like you said it
“What makes you think I need any help?” I asked a bit rudely, offended that he thought I was incapable of doing it.
“Well,” he started “your face is all red, your sweating a lot, I saw you stabbing the ground angrily, and I saw you give up.” He offered, pleased with himself. Darn it, he’s right. comma not periodI thought.
“Ok, fine. Do you wanna help me?” I asked.
“Do you want me to help?”he returned.
“capital Uugh sure.” I responded. Not because I couldn’t do it, of course.comma make it a compound sentence But because it would be cool to have my own personal digging slave, you know.
“What’s your name?” he asked. His voice touched my heart. It was so beautiful. A deep commabut young sound. He coughed trying to bring me back to earth.
“Oh,” I said embarrassed “It’s Franchesca. But people call me Frankie. It’s really weird. I don’t know what was wrong with my mom when she was naming us.”
“I’ll say” he mumbled. I stared at him in disbelief.
“Just kidding,” he laughed musically “It’s actually a really cute name. Frankie” He grinned.
“And what is your name” I asked quickly commanot wanting an awkward silence to settle.
“I’m Louis. But you can call me Louie if you want. As a pet name since, you have one twotoo two is like the number too is like me too. Actually,” he said after a second “don’t call me Louie. It’s too, posh.” He explained with a playful smile on his face.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“I’m fourteen. “
“Oh, I’m fourteen comma and too not twotwo.” he said casually.
“I thought you were gunna help me dig” I said, starting to feel antsy since he wouldn’t take his gaze off me.
“Yescomma” he said as he picked up the shovel from the ground. He positioned it so that it was perfectly straight and then suddenly he jumped on it and it dug deep. A good 12 inches deep. He looked up at me and smiled.
“Told ya you needed a man’s help” he snickered.
“Keep working!” I snapped. He laughed and dug some more. I watched as his strong arms worked to lift the dirt and place it in pile next to him. I noticed his dark soft hair as it stuck up with the humidity. His foresty green eyes with a touch of lime concentrated on his work. How had I missed that he was so beautiful?
“So, what are we exactly looking for, again?” he asked interrupting my thoughts. I explained the whole time capsule thing.
“That is so cool! A time capsule? Wow. That’s a smart idea.”
“Yeah but the only thing is, I have no idea where I buried it.” I added, looking at the sidewalk.
“Well, we’ll just have to look really hard won’t we?” he asked enthusiastically. My heart melted. I was kicked myself for wearing my hair all messy today. He smiled and I blushed. Thank you Jesus!
We talked and talked and talked. It turned out that he had just moved in next door yesterday from New York. I also found out that he played lacrosse and that he had two older brothers and a younger sister. He also told me about how his mother had died when he was seven. I told him about how I wanted to be an artist when I grew up and how my sisters were ballet dancers and how I was really mad at my dad for making me take band instead of art. It wasn’t awkward or anything. It was so natural. Suddenly, we heard a CLANK! He stopped digging.
“OMGmost people say 'Oh my god' not OMG but that may just be me I think you found it!” I exclaimed. I sank to me knees and started digging with my hands. There it was! The old dirty pickle jar. I pulled it out. It didn’t smell very good but I was so excited to open it! I yanked the top off and turned it over. A letter fell out, and I read it out loud. It said:
This summer was amazing! We went to San Antonio to visit Christopher and Alex and Patrick!! It was so fun cuzcause me and Alex (who is now 17)dont say who is now 17 it sounds like thats in the letter..unless it is then keep it in the storywent to the mall and we shot people with spit balls from the escalators and they were like “OMG previous commentwhat was that?” it was so funny! He also helped me pick out like five outfits but then we didn’t even have money so he convinced the girl at the register to let me take it for free! Then Tio Alex, took me to Glamour Shots and I took a bunch of really cool pictures it was so fun! Plus me and Molly kept picking on Christopher. We told him that we were going to call the police on him if he didn’t make us sandwiches. Ahh comma.it was great! Plus Patrick was sooo cute!!! We also went to the Great Wolf Lodge which was so fun with all the water rides and stuff! Ugh I do not want to go back to school. Plus, you haven’t heard the best part!! I met this amazing guy at the aquatic center! His name was Michel and he gave me a necklace!!! It was soooo romantic cuz causewe would go to the duck pond together and he would read Hary Potter to me haha! The bad part is that he was only visiting his cousins for the summer and had to eventually go back to Colorado and I won’t ever see him again. Ok well I hope you read this next summer!
Love, Frankie
Then I saw the gold locket that was in Louis’s hand.
“So that’s what this is” mumbled Louis. I took it from him. It had taken me forever to forget about Michel. It truly was amazing but, only foolish kid love. It wasn’t real. But it was still a very fun memory in my head. I opened the locket and I saw the picture Michel had put in for me. It was an image of him and me hugging in my tree house in the backyard. I laughed.
“Can I see it?” asked Louis.
“Oh!” I handed it to him.
“Is that this tree house right here?” he asked.
“Yeah, “I said longingly. There was an awkward silence.
“Do you want me to read Harry Potter to you in your tree house right now? I could be your new Michel” he said nervously as he looked at the ground.
“I mean it doesn’t have to be romantic like it was with Michel. We can be just friends if you wan-
I leaned in and kissed him! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG was all that was running through my head.
He put his arms around me and turned his head to kiss me better. Then he stopped and looked at me.
“capital Yyou’re not a very good kisser.” He said.
“What?!?” I asked, astonished.
“I’m just playing” he said grinning again “your amazing”
And he leaned in to kiss me again.

This was a cute story and if it is fiction then if it were me I would add a follow up on you and Louie. PM me with any questions on my review. Lots of Love Jenn aka hockeyfan87

I really like this story. Some punctuation and capitalization issues, but an all over great story!

This is a really cute story! I wanna know how it ends. I like the fact that it's relatable, because I'm sure all of us have been there once in our lives. The cute guy that just moved in, it's a great start! Keep up the good work. Any legistic issues I saw have already been covered so... that's about all I have to say

Okay..
I'm going to be honest.. I didn't really liked. I felt that it was rushed.. I felt that it didn't have enough description and I didn't like how the Characters were so straightforward. I mean..

you'r not a very good kisser

I thought,that was quitye blunt and un-natural-If he likes the girl,he would want to flatter her..
I'm sorry for being so harsh,but I'm told(seeing as I'm new) that a good writer is also a good critic.
A nice plot but didn't really enjoy the story as much as I could have.
I can tell,though,that you are a good writer.. Many romance is just no your thing?!
I dunno..
Scrap my advice if yo0u want.. Maybe I'm being a bad person..
I feel guilty now..
Kaka x P.S i'M FOLLOWING YOU!