drunk driver's persepective.

I gazed out the window. i saw all the cars zooming by. I quickly looked away, and shut my tear stained eyes. I glared at the mirror. I saw the scars upon my face. i didn't want to think about that terrible mistake.
I had been drinking too much, and got into my car. The air around me was foggy, but my house wasn't that far. I stepped on the gas, and started to drive. It wasn't too late before the paramedics arrived. i jumped out of my car. My head was spinning. What just happened? My face was stinging. I saw blurs of bright lights. I looked straight ahead. A girl was sprawled out on the pavement. She looked...dead. I started backing away. But I started to cry. The girl's family came, and knelt by her side. The mother was weeping. The father stood brave. The girl gasped a whisper, "Write daddy's girl on my grave". I covered my face. I started to run. i ran and i ran till the sirens were gone. I fell to the ground, and felt the tears fall. I remembered what happened. This was my fault! I jumped to my feet, and ran to my house. I fell onto my bed, and began to shout. I killed her! I killed her! was all that came out. That girl had been the one at that party that refused every drink. She had filled her glass with tap water from the sink. That girl was good, brave, and responsible. Yet she was the one dead, and it was my fault. I heard a bang on my front door. I heard my mom shriek "But what for?" The officer grabbed my arm and forced me out. I'm writing to you from a jail cell now.
please listen to me, don't drink and drive. Because it not only might, but will ruin your whole life.

* there's a poem one of my friends did for a public speaking competition and it's the first person of the girl that gets hit by a drunk driver, so i decided to write the perspective of the drunk driver in the situation. hope you like it!!!!

I like it, it really makes you think about Drunk Driving. I will review it in a second.

wow i really like
the way that everythings listed

it makes me think of the drunk driver not knowing what is happening around him

because everything is going too fast (abit like a blur)


(im kinda rambling...and i dont think ive made my point very well)

but yea i liked the poem

keep it up

*Moved to Other*

This is really... amazing! The emotions are strong and realistic... you really did a good job potraying how a drunk driver would really feel...
Wow... this is good. I'm very impressed.

Signed,
Mr. Rune

My dad drinks and Drives with me and my little sister all the time...DX So this really hitted home on my plate...It's great, Your an awesome writer and keep writing^^ But just renember that you put yourself and everyone around you in danger every time you get in that car, Look in that mirror just to see a big blur with a face full of tears the next morning, Don't look back because the past is your worse enemy in life it can take everything away from you in a split second and wishing it wasn't gone makes it even worse....DX

Hi I'm izzy, just giving you a quick review

Right, great idea that I haven't seen a lot of and it's written well, just have a few problems with the consistency.

Also I think this would work better in a verses, or one liners, just something to make it easier to read.
It's optional but take a look at the layout anyway.

I gazed out the window,
take away the I and add comma saw all the cars zooming by.
I quickly looked away, and shut my tear stained eyes.
I glared at the mirror. I saw the scars upon my face.
i [should be capital letter] didn't want to think about that terrible mistake.
I had been drinking too much, and got into my car.
The air around me was foggy, but my house wasn't that far.
I stepped on the gas, and started to drive.
It wasn't too late before the paramedics arrived.
i [should be capital letter] jumped out of my car. My head was spinning.
What just happened? My face was stinging.
I saw blurs of bright lights. I looked straight ahead.
A girl was sprawled out on the pavement. She looked...dead.
I started backing away. Take away the But I started to cry.
The girl's family came, and knelt by her side.

Okay you had a good rhyming pattern of AABB, but here you break it. The thing with these patterns once you start break them it makes the poem sound inconsistent and spoils the rhythm, which plays a big part in your writing. I would try to make continue with the pattern if you can with the two lines;

I started back away. I started to cry.
The girl's family came, and knelt by her side.

Also isn't the guy crying at the beginning? I swear he was wiping his tear stained eyes on the second line.

The mother was weeping. The father stood brave.
The girl gasped a whisper, "Write daddy's girl on my grave".
I covered my face. I started to run.
i [should be capital!!!!] ran and i ran till the sirens were gone.
I fell to the ground, and felt the tears fall.
I remembered what happened. This was my fault!
I jumped to my feet, and ran to my house.
I fell onto my bed, and began to shout.
I killed her! I killed her! was all that came out.
That girl had been the one at that party that refused every drink.
She had filled her glass with tap water from the sink.
That girl was good, brave, and responsible.
Yet she was the one dead, and it was my fault.
I heard a bang on my front door. I heard my mom shriek "But what for?"
The officer grabbed my arm and forced me out.
I'm writing to you from a jail cell now.
please listen to me, don't drink and drive.
Because it not only might, but will ruin your whole life.

Okay in this section you really do lose the pattern AABB here but never mind, it still is a really effective at getting the message across. I would just have a look at the last line. You seem to build up the atmosphere but then you end on this line that doesn't seem to do the rest of this piece justice. I mean we've all heard drinking and driving will ruin your whole life, try to come at from a different angle. At the moment it sounds like the slogan from a campaign or something.


Sorry, I was being a nitpick. This is a great piece of writting but it needs work; I would think about rephrasing a few lines to give them more impact and emotion, cause at the moment it sounds a little dry.

I would love to take a look at an edited version of this. You can Pm me if you do redraft it.

Great piece,

Izzy

alwaysbeininspired95 wrote:That girl was good, brave, and responsible. Yet she was the one dead, and it was my fault. I heard a bang on my front door. I heard my mom shriek "But what for?" The officer grabbed my arm and forced me out. I'm writing to you from a jail cell now.

It had the AABB ryhme scheme going for a while, then it seems to drift away at this part.

Overall, I really like everything. You are brilliant, I swear. (:
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Keep it up.

Hello! I think that this piece is excellent, and really makes one think. ZaddieCaso pretty much covered and punctuation or spelling errors I would have mentioned, but I have a couple of suggestions.

The rhyme scheme put me off. Is this a poem? Is this a short story? What is this? This doesn't have the format of a poem, in that there are no line breaks, or any set numbers of syllables or lines per stanza, or "paragraph" if you will, although it doesn't have the format of a short story in that it rhymes.

Next, perhaps you should slow it down a bit. Your sentences and short and quick. Done. Done. Dun. Change it up a bit, and use less, if none, of the passive tense. Use commas, and put in commas and conjunctions to form longer, more sophisticated sentences.

I appreciate your idea, and it really does make one think. It may or may not have been used before, but, with a unique structure, that won't matter.

Please remember: I acknowledge that you reserve the right to completely disregard my critique.