The End of Time Chapter Four (Part A)

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Well, after a long break, I figure I should get another chapter up ASAP. So here's chapter four, which reprises Nendo.

I'm a bit embarrassed about this chapter, and I don't even know why. It certainly can't be half as bad as chapter three was.

The End of Time

Part One: The City

Chapter Four: Miria Manor

Nendo stood in front of one of the many mirrors in Miria Manor, surveying the solemn boy staring back at him.

He was clean, for one thing, scrubbed free of years of accumulated grime until his skin began turning red and raw. Beneath the redness, however, Nendo could truly see the color of his skin now—a shade akin to burnished copper. Other factors had changed too: The hair that had once hung in dusty tangles to his shoulders had been cut to the base of his neck, and after the wash had become a shiny black. He no longer wore the tattered sackcloth pants of his street boy days, but the standard uniform of Miria Manor’s male servants: a white button-down shirt, black vest, sharply creased black pants, and shined black shoes, the first shoes he’d ever had.

The new clothes felt heavy and uncomfortable on him while the new haircut made his head feel disconcertingly light. He sighed and squared his shoulders, watching a resigned frown tug down his reflection’s lips. This was what he had to deal with, now, in his new life as a servant of Lord Darian.

“Nendo?” Nendo turned; Cura had approached through the open door. “Are you—oh! You look—”

She broke the sentence off, her cheeks turning pink, and turned to the side. Nendo strode up to her, sticking his hands in his newfound pockets. “Yeah, I look different.”

“Y-yeah,” stammered Cura, still not looking at him. “It’s—it’s not bad. The uniform suits you…”

“Does it? I just don’t feel like myself anymore.” Nendo glanced down at the starched white shirt, the glossy black vest. “It’s kind of uncomfortable…the collar itches.”

Cura unleashed a little giggle, before turning around to face the door, the hem of her light summer dress swinging. Nendo quickly crossed the room, falling in step with Cura as they headed out of the dressing room into the hallway.

“You’ll get used to it,” said Cura, offering Nendo a small, but encouraging, smile.

“I hope so,” he said. Her smile twitched upwards, before she turned to face forward, stepping a little ahead of him to lead him through the halls.

“So…this is Miria Manor,” she said. “Home of the Miria family for two hundred years. They say it’s one of the most beautiful of all the manors in the Noble Quarter. I wouldn’t know; I’ve never been to any other.”

She flashed him a little smile that Nendo returned. He found it wasn’t hard to get along with Cura—she was kind and helpful, and even her shyness was endearing. He felt that in her, he had an ally at least.

“These are the servant quarters,” said Cura. The halls they were walking through were in the basement levels of the mansion, smaller and narrower than the ones above, with whitewashed walls and gray carpeting. Nonetheless, mirrors lined the walls on regular intervals. It almost felt like there wasn’t just one Nendo and one Cura making their down on the hall, but many Nendos and Curas striding alongside them in their tiny worlds behind the mirrors.

“Room arrangements are negotiable every month,” Cura was explaining. “That way, if you end up with roommates you don’t like, you can always switch. Most servants don’t have a problem with who they end with, usually they just sleep with people working the same job or around the same age.”

“What job am I going to be working?” said Nendo, a bit nervous—he didn’t know how to do all that servant stuff like shine shoes and drive coaches.

“It depends,” said Cura with a shrug of her small shoulders. “Lord Darian isn’t the type to force his servants to work jobs they don’t like. If there’s something you’re particularly good at, or something you like, you’ll probably be assigned that. You can just work odd jobs the first week and see what appeals to you, if that’s all right with you.”

Nendo nodded. That didn’t sound so bad. He paused to peek into one of the slightly ajar rooms, to see a small but serviceable room with two bunks inside, and a scuffed wooden desk and wardrobe. A positive luxury compared to sleeping huddled underneath a stall awning or hiding in the space between two buildings.

There was a slight disused feeling to the room, though—the bedcovers looked like they hadn’t been disturbed for a long time, and a thin layer of silvery dust coated the desk. Nendo turned to ask Cura about it, to see that she’d stopped at the end of the hall, patiently waiting for him to catch up.

“Oh…sorry,” he said.

“No, no, it’s all right,” said Cura, stepping over to him again. “That’s what your quarters will probably be like…do like it?”

“Yeah,” said Nendo. “But—doesn’t seem like anyone’s lived in that one for a while.”

“No,” agreed Cura with a slight shake of her head. “A lot of the servant quarters are empty. Lord Darian doesn’t have that many servants—only about fifteen or so.”

That’s not a lot? thought Nendo sardonically. “There used to me more?” he said out loud.

“Oh, a lot more,” said Cura. “In the days of Lord Disuve—Lord Darian’s grandfather—there were fifty servants living in Miria Manor. But he had his whole family in the manor…nowadays it’s only Lord Darian.”

Nendo thought of how huge the manor was and felt a bit disgruntled that one boy had that much room for himself.

“He’s lived in it alone since his father died, six years ago,” sighed Cura, shaking her head in sympathy. “I never knew Lord Darvon, but I’ve heard he was a very kind man. Lord Darian admired him very much.”

Nendo tried to imagine the arrogant young lord he’d met admiring anyone, and failed. He said to Cura, as they began scaling a flight of stairs to the manor proper, “What about Ma—Lord Masudo?”

“Lord Masudo doesn’t live here,” explained Cura. “He’s the Count of Teral, you see, has his own manor…but he visits a lot.”

“Hmm, really,” said Nendo, thinking about Masudo and Darian’s interactions in the parlor. They’d seemed like close acquaintances, if not good friends: Their friendly ribbing of each other reminded Nendo of the way that street children would often trade amicable insults.

“Lord Masudo and Lord Darvon were very close friends,” Cura continued. “After Lord Darvon died, Lord Masudo helped comfort Lord Darian, and they’ve been friends since.”

“I see,” said Nendo.

They didn’t speak again until they exited a door that led to the manor’s ample grounds. Nendo breathed in the spicy smell of kaza trees and admired the colorful flowers lining the walkway he and Cura were following. They passed a skinny man in a uniform similar to Nendo’s, only without the vest and his sleeves rolled up, busy pruning a harrim bush.

“That’s Stron, the gardener,” whispered Cura to Nendo. “He’s pretty new—one of the servants Lord Darian brought to the manor after his father’s death.”

Nendo nodded in acknowledgment and they continued on their way, following the brick walkway up to a long and low white building with a brick chimney. Smoke was rising out of the chimney, bringing with it tantalizing smells of roasting meat, baking bread, sweet fruit—clearly, it was the cookhouse.

“This is the cookhouse,” said Cura, pointing out the obvious.

Nendo followed her inside, through wooden double doors that, like so many of the doors in the mansion, bore the stylized image of a mirror. Inside, the air was hot and heavy with the smells of cooking food; Nendo felt a layer of sweat gather beneath his suddenly uncomfortably tight shirt. He followed Cura as they wove past two white-aproned servants chopping vegetables and kneading dough. They stopped what they were doing to wave at Cura and offer a few brief words of acknowledgment, which Cura returned.

“They seem to respect you,” said Nendo in an undertone, as they wove their way around a two other servants shaping dough into tiny pastries. Cura blushed.

“Well…I am Lord Darian’s personal servant…” she said, somewhat nervously. “It’s nothing, really…”

Nendo could sense her increasing discomfort, so didn’t say anything more on the subject, even though he did feel it somewhat odd for a nobleman like Darian to take a young girl as his personal servant. Perhaps he was just naïve, but Nendo had always thought of personal servants as wise older men.

Looking around, though his first impression had been of a cluttered, activity-filled place, Nendo now saw that the cookhouse held the same air as the servant quarters—the feeling of having once housed many more servants than the four or five Nendo saw now. Many countertops were bare, and ovens empty. It seemed built for twenty servants, not five.

“Who’s that, Cura?” called a servant after Cura’s retreating back. Nendo stopped in his tracks and turned around, to see one of the servants cutting pastry, a girl about Nendo’s age, waving in his and Cura’s direction.

“Ellina,” said Cura, with a shy smile. “Um, this is Nendo…”

“Oh, the street kid Lord Masudo snatched?” said the girl, letting loose a series of short giggles.

A curious heat rose in Nendo’s face, though he wasn’t sure why. Still, he didn’t’ like the way Ellina was talking about him, as if he was just an object. He wanted to protest but couldn’t think of anything to say.

Ellina noticed Nendo’s blush, and, if possible, giggled harder. “How’re you holding up, street boy? Work’s not too much for you?”

“Um…I only just got here,” said Nendo, unsure how to response to Ellina’s teasing tone. He’d never interacted much with girls on the streets, as the girls he knew were either much younger than he was or else hookers.

“Ah, well, you’ll soon learn Lord Darian is one hell of a slave driver,” said Ellina, giggling again. “Isn’t he? Merol?” She poked the boy by her side, who’d been intently shaping the dough into pastries even while Ellina stopped to talk with Cura and Nendo.

“Oh, shut up,” grumbled the boy, Merol. “Shut up and get back to work. You know that little eunuch of a lord will cry if he doesn’t get his pastry—ouch!”

It happened so fast Nendo almost missed it: one moment Cura was by his side, the next she was standing in front of Merol, her hand raised, her entire body quivering in rage. Merol had tumbled to the blackened brick floor, a bright red mark on his cheek, his eyes wide.

“Don’t you dare speak of Lord Darian that way,” hissed Cura, her words taut. “You understand?”

“Er—of course, of course, Miss Cura,” mumbled Merol.

“Good,” was all Cura said, still tautly. “Come on, Nendo.” She was by Nendo’s side in a flash, taking his arm in hers. Nendo jumped, startled by the feel of her soft hand through his sleeve.

“Um,” began Nendo, even though he didn’t know what he was going to say. Cura, however, was resolutely leading him away from the scene, leaving behind Merol and Ellina.

“You liking Miria Manor so far, Nendo?” called Ellina after them. “It’s exciting, huh?”

They exited the cookhouse, stepping into the cool morning air outside. Nendo breathed in the floral-scented air, surprised by how much cooler it was outside than it had been in the sweaty cookhouse. Nendo glanced at Cura as they started trotting down the path again. Her strides were long, her cheeks still flushed red from anger.

“Er…” he said, trying to order his thoughts. “What he said, back there…is Lord Darian a eunuch?”

He thought that maybe there was some logic in that—after all, the ballads often sang about the eunuch nobles of days of old. And Lord Darian was definitely not the manliest man Nendo had met.

“No!” cried Cura, releasing his arm and turning to face him in rage. Nendo blinked at her, disconcerted by her anger. It was the first time he’d seen her get so angry and he didn’t know what to do about it.

“I’m sorry, Nendo, I don’t mean to be snappy…” Cura sighed and shook her head, a few strands of hair that had escaped her bun swinging. “It’s just…Lord Darian might not be a paragon of manliness, but he is a man. A very kind man, even though it might not seem that way at first… He’s done so many things for me, it just—it just isn’t right when others insult him.”

“All right,” said Nendo. He could understand Cura’s loyalty—wasn’t that the same way he felt about Tey?—although he had yet to see any example of Darian’s supposed kindness.

The rest of their tour through Miria Manor proceeded without further incident. Cura led Nendo around the grounds, showing him the flower and vegetable gardens, the groundskeeper’s hut, the lines of earthen pipes that delivered water from the river to irrigate the manor’s greenery. She then led him to the burdenbeasts’ stables, located at the very edge of the grounds, where she introduced Nendo to the old stable hand and showed him the four burdenbeasts Darian kept. They were fine creatures, covered with silvery feathers, flicking long trunks and bushy tails in enjoyment when Nendo stroked the hollows of their necks. He’d always liked burdenbeasts; their placid natures appealed to him, and in return they always seemed to like him back. Sometimes on the streets, Nendo had been able to make a small pittance by caring for others’ burdenbeasts. He found he could even get along with the most ancient and irascible beasts.

Cura and Nendo spent quite some time in the stables, conversing quietly with the stable hand and feeding the burdenbeasts sour perlo berries. Cura seemed to enjoy the burdenbeasts’ quiet company too, her face lighting up and an easy smile that Nendo had never seen before on her spreading across her face. Nendo was all too sorry to leave, but Cura insisted they had to get the tour over with.

So they went inside, following the covered walkway from the cookhouse to the mansion’s back door (the servants used it to deliver food inside, Cura explained). Once indoors, Cura showed him all the places he was allowed: the parlors, the dining rooms, even the armory. Nendo asked Cura what the armory was for; she explained that it hadn’t been in use since Lord Disuve’s time but was meant to arm the members of the household in case of attack. Not that, she reminded him, anyone was going to be attacking Miria Manor these days.

Nendo found himself looking out the wide, airy windows he and Cura passed in the halls, down at the peaceful green grounds spreading around him, and thought that Cura was right.

After the tour was done, and Nendo felt that he’d seen enough mirrors to get him through a lifetime, Cura paused in front of the stairs leading down to the servants’ quarters, blocking Nendo’s way down. Nendo paused in front of her, surprised.

“What’s the matter?” he said.

“It’s…” Cura turned to the side, biting her lip, looking embarrassed. “It’s just…I wanted to show you something, Nendo…something of mine…”

----------------------------------

Which marks the cut-off point. Not a scene break, just approximately halfway through the actual chapter.

Looking back, I think my deepest grievance with this chapter is that it feels so...poorly crafted. Chapter three dragged and was convoluted, but at least I feel it's a little more polished than this. Then again, first drafts aren't supposed to be polished! *headdesk*

Rip apart, ladies and gentlemen. Don't worry, the next part is a little more exciting, as there's a bit of action and Darian actually shows up.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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I dont see what you should be embarrassed about. It's a story and it's down to earth that's all, taking the necessary humanly pace and what not.

Just remember that unnecessary details are necessary. ...that's something that I still have to
come to terms with too.

detaildetaildetail
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)




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Hey there! Sorry, I would have been here sooner, I just didn’t see that the chapter was up.

I actually really liked this chapter—it was good development, I thought, for Nendo’s voice—I felt like you kept the narration in character for him, perfectly, the whole way through.

I’m also really interested in the sides of Cura’s personality we saw in this story—I think it adds depths to her character which weren’t seen in the earlier chapters, and her sudden outburst of anger certainly startled me.

The only thing about that… I think it passed a little too quickly. I mean, an apparently sweet, demure, and kind of passive girl who was giving him a tour around the grounds just punched out someone, and someone who appears to be a subordinate to her—I think it would be interesting to see how Nendo reacts to the situation. Does he get mad and try to defend the servant? Is he a little scared of saying the wrong thing to Cura and provoking her anger now? I think it would give us an opportunity to see more about both their characters, and it would keep the sudden juicy conflict that just popped up from passing too quickly. Even just talking about Nendo’s feelings in the narration might add something more to the scene. Just a thought, though. XD

The description in this chapter was quite good, too—none of it felt overdone or underdone, I don’t think. Mirror scenes are kind of a cliché way to discuss a character’s looks, but I think you pulled it off well enough that it didn’t feel cliché—I especially liked your descriptions about the feeling of the weight of his clothes vs. that of his hair—it was just a really good sensory detail, and somehow I think it added to the mood of apprehension.

Oh, also, found one typo:

“There used to me more?” he said out loud.

I think you meant “be” not “me.”

Otherwise… well, I keep trying to find something to criticize so I can rip this apart, but I don’t really think there’s anything. ^_^ A job well done, I’ll get to part B ASAP.
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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And I now bump this...

He was clean, for one thing, scrubbed free of years of accumulated grime until his skin began turning red and raw.


Hmm. Did he scrub himself, or did somebody scrub his skin for him? This could be a point of emotion for Nendo. Him seeing even more changes in his life, and what he's going to have to get used to.

The hair that had once hung in dusty tangles to his shoulders had been cut to the base of his neck,


"Base of his neck" to me is his shoulders. I believe you mean to his mouth or to his earlobe.

He no longer wore the tattered sackcloth pants of his street boy days


I like this description. It states, subtly, that he considers those days over.

The new clothes felt heavy and uncomfortable on him while the new haircut made his head feel disconcertingly light.


After the specific mention that this was his first pair of shoes, I expected a comment just on them, not just clothes in general. Do they pinch, feel heavy (although that's somewhat of a given...) any specific feeling with them?

I did like the haircut thing. I know that from experience. xD

“Nendo?” Nendo turned;


"Nendo" is repetitive here. I would like a tag saying that somebody called him so that doesn't happen.

“Nendo?” Nendo turned; Cura had approached through the open door. “Are you—oh! You look—”

She broke the sentence off, her cheeks turning pink, and turned to the side. Nendo strode up to her, sticking his hands in his newfound pockets. “Yeah, I look different.”

“Y-yeah,” stammered Cura, still not looking at him. “It’s—it’s not bad. The uniform suits you…”


Aww, this is such a cute scene. I love how Cura has a bit of a crush on him already.

Cura unleashed a little giggle, before turning around to face the door


I don't like this comma. You can get rid of it.

Her smile twitched upwards, before she turned to face forward


Another comma in front of a before. You really don't need them every time.

He found it wasn’t hard to get along with Cura—she was kind and helpful, and even her shyness was endearing. He felt that in her, he had an ally at least.


You were good until the last line. Then, the relationship feels like it's beginning to move too quickly. It was already going at a good clip, with the crush (which was sweet, don't get me wrong) and the current circumstances, but with the line about allies it seemed to push things too far. Because Cura is acting somewhat shy, she's fine. It's just Nendo's reaction to her.

The halls they were walking through were in the basement levels of the mansion,


First, when I read this line, I didn't think it was in the prose. I thought it was more dialogue. Because she's giving a tour of the palace, mentioning halls and where they're allowed to go, how they walk through them, having to move aside when certain people come down, ect, aren't out of the ordinary. When it turns out to be third person prose, I was a bit shaken.

Second, I was very surprised to find out they were in the basement. Because there is no transition telling us his location, I found myself thrown by this sudden information that they're in the basement.

That way, if you end up with roommates you don’t like, you can always switch.


With the description of only two bunks per room, I would expect "roommates" to be singular. Or are "bunks" referring to bunk beds? I'd still like a mention of how many the rooms can hold.

he didn’t know how to do all that servant stuff like shine shoes and drive coaches.


And how would Nendo know what a servant does if he hasn't been around them? Mention where he knows what servant tasks are, please.

That’s not a lot? thought Nendo sardonically.


I understood the tone of the thoughts better without the adverb. Since we have a good idea on what Nendo's used to, we have an understanding of how he'll say things. You can nix the adverb no problem.

Nendo thought of how huge the manor was and felt a bit disgruntled that one boy had that much room for himself.


You have room here for a nice little comparison between what Nendo's lived with the past little while and how Darian lives.

He said to Cura, as they began scaling a flight of stairs to the manor proper,


I find "he said" is too far away from the actual dialogue to make it really tie-in to anything. I'd switch the action and the "said tag" so this ties-in together more.

They’d seemed like close acquaintances, if not good friends: Their friendly ribbing of each other reminded Nendo of the way that street children would often trade amicable insults.


I like this comparison. This is what I meant when I said a few lines ago that you could compare his old life to the new.

only without the vest and his sleeves rolled up


Because this is between interrupter commas, I think this would flow much better without the "his." That makes this seem more like a description of the man, when that "his" makes me wonder who you're talking about.

they continued on their way, following the brick walkway


"Way" is repetitive here.

bringing with it tantalizing smells of roasting meat, baking bread, sweet fruit—clearly, it was the cookhouse.

“This is the cookhouse,” said Cura, pointing out the obvious.


I find this to be slightly amusing but repetitive. I'd nix the bit after the dash and keep the dialogue (and the tag) as is. Then it would be pure hilarity.

Nendo followed her inside, through wooden double doors that, like so many of the doors in the mansion, bore the stylized image of a mirror. Inside, the air was hot and heavy


"Inside" is repetitive. You could very easily delete the first one (along with the comma right after it).

Nendo felt a layer of sweat gather beneath his suddenly uncomfortably tight shirt.


I find the two -ly words in a row are hard to read. I like "suddenly" but not "uncomfortably." I'd rework that description so it wasn't so rhyming.

He followed Cura as they wove past two white-aproned servants chopping vegetables and kneading dough. [...] as they wove their way around a two other servants shaping dough into tiny pastries.


The movement they're doing (weaving through people) is repetitive here. The servants are not, mind, but I don't find that's enough of a difference to really warrant the repetitiveness.

Nendo could sense her increasing discomfort, so didn’t say anything more on the subject, even though he did feel it somewhat odd for a nobleman like Darian to take a young girl as his personal servant.


I find this sentence to have a few too many commas in it. Replace (at least) one with a period (I'd replace the second comma)

Looking around, though his first impression had been of a cluttered, activity-filled place, Nendo now saw that the cookhouse held the same air as the servant quarters


I find the cause/effect here not so good. What I mean is, with the "first impression" bit between commas like it is now, the sentence is hard to understand. The "looking around" and "though" seem really disjointed, which means I have to read the sentence two or three times to understand it. I'd make it so looking around was one sentence, and the rest of the description was another sentence. It would organize things more consistently.

“Who’s that, Cura?” called a servant after Cura’s retreating back.


I would have thought that the other servants would have noticed him earlier, what with him following Cura. They were really that engrossed in their work? If so, I'd try to find a way to work that in. right now this seems to stand out as an ill-placed turning point.

Nendo stopped in his tracks and turned around, to see one of the servants cutting pastry, a girl about Nendo’s age, waving in his and Cura’s direction.


You can delete the comma after "around."

“Ellina,” said Cura, with a shy smile. “Um, this is Nendo…”


~Another comma you can delete (after "Cura")

~ The "um" here feels out of place with the smile. The "um" implies she's unsure of herself, while the shy smile seems to imply that she's more confidant, with a hint of her crushing on Nendo (which is nice). But the two together don't match well I find.

Still, he didn’t’ like the way Ellina was talking about him, as if he was just an object.


I'm not fond of the "still" here. It implies an explanation was given before when there was none. I would delete it and make this sentence the explanation, or add one in.

were either much younger than he was or else hookers.


I'd delete the "else" here. It breaks up flow and makes the sentence harder to read.

“Ah, well, you’ll soon learn Lord Darian is one hell of a slave driver,”


You are treading on thin ice with "hell" here. The only reason that I'm hesitant to say "delete this" is because you have established this planet as having connections to Earth, therefore having some contact with people who swear. Although, I wonder if the offworlder contact is so great in the servant population that they'd use "hell."

If you can come up with a good reason for "hell" to be in here, then keep it. If not, nix.

Merol had tumbled to the blackened brick floor, a bright red mark on his cheek,


I'd delete "a" here. It breaks up flow.

“Good,” was all Cura said, still tautly.


Again, we can understand her tone of voice without needing the tag. I find the tag drags the dialogue down, since we have to think for a minute as to how Cura actually said the line, when in the end (I, at least) got the same tone of voice.

Nendo jumped, startled by the feel of her soft hand through his sleeve.


How would he be able to tell her hand was soft if she's gripping his arm where his sleeve is? Maybe her grip would be soft, but actually feeling her skin would pretty much impossible. Rework this.

Alright, I'll be back tomorrow with the rest, but for now I fear I shall stop making sense if I continue (It's late for me)

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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And I'm back! (In a somewhat bad mood. xD Some of my niceness is going out the window)

“Um,” began Nendo,


This line/tag bugs me. Mostly because it seems to get glossed over, which isn't something I like to see. "Began" also feels clunky, and I've told you that I dislike seeing "said *insert character name.* I have gotten used to it come this point, but here it sticks out and I don't like the fact "um" is actual dialogue should it get glossed over by Cura. If she ignores it, I wouldn't write it out. You can summerize it, but don't put in dialogue unless it does something, like get a character's attention.

“You liking Miria Manor so far, Nendo?” called Ellina after them. “It’s exciting, huh?”


This line just seems to be stuck in here. Nendo doesn't think about it, and the next line switches to the courtyard. Even though you've mentioned Cura dragging him, right now this looks like a filler line just because it doesn't tie in to anything. Have Nendo think about the answers, please.

They exited the cookhouse, stepping into the cool morning air outside. Nendo breathed in the floral-scented air, surprised by how much cooler it was outside than it had been in the sweaty cookhouse.


~ "Air" is repetitive.

~ "Cookhouse" is repetitive.

~ "Outside" is repetitive.

~ As you can probably see from my above comments, these two sentences are very repetitive. You've used the same nouns to describe the situation, which bogs this paragraph down. You can probably condense this to just one sentence, and cut most if not all of this repetition.

Nendo glanced at Cura as they started trotting down the path again. Her strides were long, her cheeks still flushed red from anger.


This description makes it unclear whether Cura is still dragging him or not. Since Nendo is not doing anything to try to catch up, it comes across as odd for him to still be dragged. But he still is, since you mentioned her releasing him later. Something slightly interesting that you're going to have to deal with is having him being able to keep up with her, since she's on the small side. But some mention that he's still being dragged is needed.

“Er…” he said, trying to order his thoughts. “What he said, back there…is Lord Darian a eunuch?”


I'm not sure if "trying to order his thoughts" is the best description of this. I'd think "er" is more to get Cura's attention, since she's probably not listening that well here and might take a few moments to register he's talking.

That could be why I don't like that tag much, or it could be because Nendo didn't seem to have any thoughts to organize. He's been rather absent mentally these last few paragraphs. Him thinking about things and needing to organize his thoughts doesn't really seem connected.

I'd also consider replacing "order" with "organize" since I keep reading it as "organize."

Nendo blinked at her, disconcerted by her anger. It was the first time he’d seen her get so angry and he didn’t know what to do about it.


~ "Anger" feels repetitive here.

~ Hmm. I'm not getting a good impression from how Nendo's feeling. First off, he's known Cura all for the past twelve hours, if that (I'm thinking closer to six) so he hasn't seen her with any real emotion. "So angry" feels out of place then, since she's never gotten angry in the first place.

Second, Nendo's not feeling much of anything right here. His voice is now slightly less defined and I'm not feeling as close to him. What probably caused me to feel some affinity for him in earlier chapters is because he was the default MC. Now that I've gotten close to other characters' heads, the same tone you had used doesn't feel right. I can't get into his head like I'd been able to the first time.

“All right,” said Nendo.


Oddly, I can't picture the tone of voice here. Probably because "all right" can mean very different things said in different tones and we're not completely sure how Nendo feels about the whole situation right now. Therefore, we don't know how he's saying this particular line.

He could understand Cura’s loyalty—wasn’t that the same way he felt about Tey?—although he had yet to see any example of Darian’s supposed kindness.


Is that how he feels about Tey? I don't remember seeing it. The relationship I remember with them was more Nendo putting up with Tey and Tey being the slightly annoying person who doesn't go away. Because Nendo appears to be very patient, he puts up with it and gives slight hints that Tey should fend for himself.

I think you need to clear that up from the beginning so this line makes sense.

The rest of their tour through Miria Manor proceeded without further incident. Cura led Nendo around the grounds, showing him the flower and vegetable gardens, the groundskeeper’s hut, the lines of earthen pipes that delivered water from the river to irrigate the manor’s greenery. She then led him to the burdenbeasts’ stables, located at the very edge of the grounds, where she introduced Nendo to the old stable hand and showed him the four burdenbeasts Darian kept. They were fine creatures, covered with silvery feathers, flicking long trunks and bushy tails in enjoyment when Nendo stroked the hollows of their necks. He’d always liked burdenbeasts; their placid natures appealed to him, and in return they always seemed to like him back. Sometimes on the streets, Nendo had been able to make a small pittance by caring for others’ burdenbeasts. He found he could even get along with the most ancient and irascible beasts.


~ I'm spit about this scene. In one sense, it's a good way to sum up the traveling. In the other, the burdenbeasts' bit seems to be plot-crucial. Right now, despite the bulk of this being about the stables, it feels thin. Is he just remembering what he did, or is he telling the stablehand? That would really change the way he's viewed.

There are just so many character possibilities for that scene I'd hate to see them go to waste.

~ This is probably going to be rather hard, but I'd like to know a bit more of how the burdenbeasts look like. I can't really picture them all that well. Or is that the point?

her face lighting up and an easy smile that Nendo had never seen before on her spreading across her face.


~ "Her face" is repetitive. Actually, the whole action of her smiling feels repetitive, if only because of that. I see faces lighting up with smiles, so for that reason alone this description feels like it's repetitive.

~ Again with the "never seen before on her." He hasn't known her long enough to have a baseline for her emotions.

So they went inside,


"So" bothers me when I see it in prose. It's a small word that's usually implied if the work is clear (which this is). Nix.

Nendo asked Cura what the armory was for;


The answer to this question seems rather obvious, considering the name of the place he's asking about. Should this be reworded so Nendo is asking why the manor needs the armory instead of him asking what it was for, Nendo wouldn't feel quite so dense.

Not that, she reminded him, anyone was going to be attacking Miria Manor these days.

Nendo found himself looking out the wide, airy windows he and Cura passed in the halls, down at the peaceful green grounds spreading around him, and thought that Cura was right.


Miria Manor is going to get attacked, isn't it?

Cura's line of summarized dialogue is one of those "knock on wood" moments. In fiction, those knock on wood moments turn into reality most of the time. And since I have a rough idea of your plot from our conversations, not to mention the summery, I'm not sure how much I like the foreshadowing that the manor is going to be attacked.

My reaction probably comes from Nendo's description of the surroundings: the manor doesn't feel that safe. No walls around the gardens, big windows, no known places to hide in case of an attack. However, putting those in is a catch 22; you can't win. Leave them out, we get a subtle moment where we can guess that the manor is going to get attacked. Put it in, and we're almost sure that the place is going to get attacked. However, if it looks more set up for one kind of defense over another, then we'd... well, we'd probably know that it would come the way the place wasn't defended. However, should the manor look air-tight for attacks, maybe with Nendo wondering how anybody could get in, then we'd wonder how they could get in. The trick to good foreshadowing, I find, is not to hint at the reader that something may or may not happen. The trick is to have them wondering how it will happen. Hints at a yes or no question (in this case, will the manor be attacked or not) all too often tend to come into reality, but a wondering of how leaves the reader guessing and turning the page to find out if they'll be right.

Making the defenses air-tight however, does pose a problem at making that real. If the country has been in a long period of peace, it would only make sense to not have defenses like this. I would keep in mind the foreshadowing difference I pointed out. That should help when making this less certain.

*

And since my overall thoughts tend to flow much better without dividing them up...

The character relationships here feel rushed, but more in an undertone. It's wasn't obvious but when looking at some lines it seems Cura and Nendo have known each other for awhile, not a few hours. Nendo seems to be acting like he has a benchmark for Cura's emotions when he really shouldn't.

I did like the little crush, that was cute, but it never seems to be brought back up again. Also, it would be an opertunity for Nendo to be a bit more condescending. How does he feel about Cura being shy around him?

I found myself to be rather detached from Nendo in this part. His voice wasn't as strong, and I didn't really feel all that connected to him. Mostly because everything seems to be going on around him, while he's not thinking about anything or even reacting to much. I think the only time he does react is when the kitchen girls were talking about him. I found that to be on the weak side, as I pointed out, and the other character reactions on his part just didn't seem to have any meat to them. I think that should you expand the stable paragraph into more of a scene, we could get a better understanding of what he's feeling. Not just with seeing them (Is he glad that they're something familiar from his days as a street kid?) but his interactions with other staff. It would give us a more complete idea over what his time here is going to be like.

Come to think of it, we really don't get that much from his past bleeding into his current present. Considering how he was pulled from the streets, and how he'll probably leave them behind forever, I'd really expect him to be feeling something other than the slight weirdness of clothing. Does he have any thoughts on the place, the other servants, just how different everything is? Really, I'd expect that. Or even some mourning at the life he left behind. He's really emotionless in this part.

The description, I felt, was repetitive. It seems in your attempt to get rid of long descriptions you have sacrificed a larger vocabulary. Since others didn't point it out, it could be that I'm just being very picky, but I don't find the repetitive descriptions really did anything.

I like the plot you're giving us so far. The slow building is nice to see. However, there could be some more tension thrown in, especially to this part. You have so much room for Nendo to keep wanting to go back to his street life, for him to be mourning it, or even just thinking about it. He also seems to have forgotten about Tey for the most part, which just reinforces my thought that he didn't exactly like Tey in the first place and is somewhat relieved to be free of him.

Overall, I liked the cut off at the end (I went on to read the next bit right away) but I didn't like how fast the character relations were going. You really have room to put in more character interaction, and more of Nendo's street life.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant