Fantasist (Revised)

Fantasist


The autumn breeze blew across the room, ruffling the curtains by the open window. As it flew, it teased and played with the slumbering child's golden hair.
Stirring slightly, the girl pulled the covers over her head to shut the wind out.
She was dreaming and nothing was to disturb her. She was a fantasist and belonged only in her dreams. Her dreams were her reality, a place where her imagination could run wild and the only place she could truly be herself.
In her dreams she was visiting her favorite place in the whole universe she’d created. It was the first place she had ever created and she loved to go back and relive the wonderful memories she’d made there.
She sat in a small boat, a younger version than her true self, gazing at the fast flowing river on either side of her. The murky green water had a soft glow from underneath it, as if the unseen bottom was covered in lights. It reminded her of how cruel the water could be and how in the blink of an eye it had claimed her brother for its own. Turning away from the painful memories, she faced ahead, realizing she had reached her destination as the boat slowed it's swift pace.
The boat drifted to a halt in a large cove. It was filled with giant stalactites of magnificent proportion and colors. The reached from the ceiling to merge with the floor, creating many passageways off of the main cave. Covering the floor of the cove were hundreds of tiny, colorful stalagmites grouped together, making beautiful gardens of tiny crystals.
The beautiful crystals reminded her of the big diamond rings and necklaces that the rich and wealthy people in the world of reality owned. Here she was able to enjoy them as much as she pleased, if even in the waking world she could never have owned even one.
Gently standing in the boat the girl carefully exited, wary of the ever flowing river. Reaching back in to retrieve the candle in the bottom of the boat, the girl faced the room and as she took a step forward the candle wick burst into flame. She hardly needed the candle for light, but she loved the way the crystals reflected the small light and made it more than it was.
Glancing at the different passageways, she knew each led to a different place her wandering mind had created.The girl laughed inside, as she reminisced about how each of her worlds had been born from an experience she’d had in the world she so loathed.
One passage led to a world of winter, a place where there was always snow and the Christmas spirit never died. She’d made this world when she had been in kindergarten. She had so wanted to be Mary in the Christmas pageant, but the prettier more talented and popular girl had gotten the part. So back then that world had brought her peace, and she had been Mary to her heart's content. As she had gotten older the world had changed to a place where she could just go and enjoy being in the holiday spirit.
Another led to a world of night, where the moon never slept and sun did not exist, where the moon and stars were the only light. A world where she could always dream, when she’d been told dreams were childish.
Still another extended to a room of perpetual sunsets at the beach, where the sun was always setting beyond the vast ocean. was a place she had created so she could still be with her family. It portrayed the last place she had ever been with the ones who truly loved her. They had spent a wonderful day at the beach, and when the sun was setting the girl had left with her friends while her family had lingered a while longer. She had never seen them alive again. They’d been in a car crash and no one had survived. She’d often go to that world and relive the final precious hours she’d shared with the last people on earth who’d accepted her for who she truly was.
Then there was the passage that led to the Valley of the Waterfalls. It was just what its name portrayed, a lush green valley surrounded by mountains, that thousands of waterfalls cascaded over, making rainbows in places where the sun and water met in perfect union. A valley out of a fairytale, where she could create her own story, where her dreams really did come true.
Finally there was her most recent world, filled with vines and vicious beasts, an entanglement that mirrored her mind perfectly, a place where she could kill any of her worries, and let them disappear.Where her bent up anger that she was never allowed to show, was set free.

In her heart she knew this place was where she truly belonged, a place where no one could disturb her, or make her be someone else. A place where her two foster parents could never barge in and take control, they could never force her to do anything here and she could dream to her hearts content.
Sighing deeply, the girl was thoroughly satisfied as she wandered the many wonderful corridors with her mind, placing changes where she saw fit, and removing things she no longer felt belonged.
When the girl was pleased with the work she had finished and felt she could face the pain of the real world, she let the light from her candle die and made her way gingerly back to the boat.
Stepping warily into the unsteady craft, she seated herself in the middle, and placed her green skirt neatly around her legs. Taking one last longing look at the worlds, the girl allowed the boat to carry on, and take her back to the world where should could no longer be herself and where no one truly knew her, the ever dreaming fantasist.

This is ery interesting way of looking at things. I mean, every doesn this thing when their little like, oh and he woke up and it was all a dream.
But noone starts it off being a dream, very different. where dreams are reality to her.

I wish she was me!

Very good job done, and I don't know what to say, because I can not crytisise

Hi Zanna,
I really enjoyed reading your entry. It was very creative and well-thought out. I thought it was neat how she created her own worlds and also created a place to house the entry to all those worlds as well. The idea of her living in her dreams is really interesting and it's a great idea!
I'm entering the contest as well so if you'd care to review mine that would be awesome!

topic50754.html


~Dakota

Hey Zanna, said I would come, so here I am!

(and now you're my team member, which makes you awesome.)

I. NITPICKS

The rough autumn wind blew harshly through the room, ruffling the curtains in front of the open window, and teasingly played with the slumbering girl’s golden blonde hair.

There are a lot of words in here... if it's rough, it's going to blow harshly, choose one or the other. And "teasingly" is a really awkward adjective...

for it’s own.

its. My way of remembering this is, you say "He's" and "She's", but "his" or "hers", so "it's" means it is, and "its" means... yeah...

The boat drifted to a halt in a large cove.

Cave, maybe? If you mean cove, keep it as cove, just checking...

The beautiful crystals reminded her of the big diamond rings, and necklaces

No comma needed there...

she could have never owned even one.

The word order here is really awkward, try "she could never have owned even one" or something... this is just tongue tying!

One lead to a world of winter, a place where there was always snow and the Christmas spirit never died.

This lead, and the ones that follow, should be "led"...

It was just what it’s name portrayed,

its

to her hearts content.

heart's....

never aloud to show, was set free.

allowed.

Okay...

II. ADVERBS AND LESS IS MORE

A lot of writers hate adverbs. I don't mind adverbs, but in some places, they're unnecessary.

This is a beautifully descriptive piece, but my advice would be not to overdo it. If you put too many words in a sentence, it takes too long for the reader to digest it. This is called purple prose, where things are all really heavy and fancy. Tone it down, remember, less is more!

III. OVERALL

Overall, I liked this, it was very different to the other entries, original and very descriptive. Good job! I'd say good luck, but I'm entering too, so, you know...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Thanks Stella,
I really appreciate your review and I fixed all of the errors.
Friend & Teammate
~Zanna

Hi Zanna!
I liked your story a lot!! I like how you made each world connected to her in some way.
Also I found a few sentences that I'm not sure, but might not be right;

curtains in front of the open window, and teasingly played with the slumbering

I don't think there's supposed to be a comma since you put "and"

She was a fantasist, and belonged only in her dreams.

Same thing.

It was the first place she had ever created, and she loved to go back and relive the wonderful memories she’d made there.

And again

the girl faced the room, and as she took a step forward

No comma

Since it's a repetitive problem I'm not going to mention every single one, so you can go over it yourself and fix it.

Other than that, great job! It's awesome!

~Tayla

Hey Zanna ^^ Here as requested.

The rough autumn wind blew through the room, ruffling the curtains in front of the open window, and teasingly played with the slumbering girl’s golden blond hair.

Zanna, dear, this is really wordy. You're jam-packing adjectives in the sentence, and that doesn't count as imagery.

Remember it's better to say a lot in a few words than to say a little with many. It's about quality, not quantity when it comes to good writing.

I'd suggest you shorten it, change a few words,and use some commas:
"The autumn breeze blew across the room, ruffling the curtains by the open window. As it flew, it teased and played with the slumbering child's golden hair."
"Acorss" fits more than "through" and "breeze" works better than "wind" here for imagery. Also, you don't need to info-dump on what the girl looks like just yet.

Stirring slightly, the girl pulled her covers over her head, shutting the wind out.

"Her" is used a lot, so maybe just using "the". And the end part should be reworded a bit:
"Stirring slightly, the girl pulled the covers over her head to shut the wind out."

She was dreaming, and nothing was to disturb her. She was a fantasist, and belonged only in her dreams. Her dreams were her reality, a place where her imagination could run wild and the only place she could truly be herself.

This here is really tell-y, Zanna. You need more showing.

Telling: The boy played his fire-red Stratocaster guitar really awesome.

Showing: The boy held his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers across the silver strings.

Not such a hot example, but you get the idea. In the first example you only hear the story, in the second one you can see it. Writing is all about finding the right words ^^

----------------

Okay, I'm going to stop here.

Positives: I read your whole story, and it's a very nice little tale ^^ You have good literary devices and meaning, and meaning isn't often found much in writing these days. Usually stories don't have morals.

Negatives: You're being really wordy and jam-packing some sentences. You're also telling and not showing. Work on your descriptions, and your imagery needs to bring in smells, sounds, and emotion to make your story hit the third dimension.

Sorry to cut this so short, I'm packing my house at the same time xD

PM me if you have any questions and after you've addressed these points
-Shina

Hey, Zanna. I suppose it's kind of lucky that I took so long getting to your review that now I'm able to look over the revised version, right? I hope you'll still need some feedback, since I see you've gotten a lot of good comments already. Well~ Here goes.

I. Little Things

Her dreams were her reality, a place where her imagination could run wild and the only place she could truly be herself.

Today she was visiting her favorite place in the whole universe she’d created.

So, I don't know if you did this on purpose or if you were even aware of it, but between these two sentences, the tone changes completely. In the first sentence, you still have that aloof, descriptive kind of tone, telling us about the girl that should not be bothered {which you phrased in a way to make it sound official}. But in the second sentence here, it sounds like it's coming from the child and almost sounds like she's become the narrator. A phrase like '[my] favorite place in the whole universe' definitely seems to come from the mouth of the child.

This switch happens a few more times in the piece as well, so you might want to consider going through and trying to make it more consistent in any way. If you want to have it alternate between the two tones, that's probably fine, but I don't know. It seems lopsided and messy to me at this moment in time. xP

She sat quietly in a small boat a younger version then her true self

Just a bit of trouble with the grammar here, Zanna. First of all, it would be younger 'than'. Than is used in comparisons, and 'then' is used to talk about time, or the order of things temporally {ex. I went to the store and 'then' I ate some food}. Also, you need to organize this sentence so it makes sense. At first, I thought that the 'a younger version' was referring to the boat, which makes no sense at all. Try something like, 'As a younger version of her true self, she sat in a small boat'. You also don't need to use 'quietly' because it's kind of implied, if you don't say that she was making noise or speaking.

That's one thing about adverbs -- usually you don't need to use them and they just get redundant. You should try to avoid them, and allow the reader to interpret scenes a little bit, or try to describe your point in a different, more effective way -- something more ingrained into the sentence.

Sadly it reminded her of how cruel the water could be and how in the blink of an eye it had claimed her brother for its own.

For example, you can take out this adverb as well. First of all, it's used incorrectly, because it's referring to the act of reminding her of something, and then it would have to mean that it was a pity that she was reminded of it, but I don't think that really fits. I mean, it could, but it seems awkward to me. And besides that, it's obvious that she'll be sad about remembering her brother dying, so you should cut 'sadly' from this sentence.

Turning away from the painful memories, she faced ahead. Looking forward she realized she had reached her destination.

This is kind of redundant. xP You say she faces ahead, then say she looks forward. I think it would be better if you combined these sentences into one.

Covering the floor of the cove, were hundreds of tiny colorful stalagmites. The stalagmites were grouped together making beautiful gardens of tiny crystals.

This description is kind of repetitive as well. Try combining these sentences into one smooth one to avoid the repetition of the word 'stalagmites'. Try the same thing with the section about 'stalactites', if you can.

Then there was her most recent world, filled with vines and vicious beasts, an entanglement that mirrored her mind perfectly, a place where she could kill any of her worries, and let them disappear.

Wow. This was a perfect way to get off the track of the beautiful, ideal worlds that a child would create. I absolutely did not see this coming at all, Zanna. Fantastic way to bring the reader back down to Earth.

Stepping warily into the unsteady craft, she seated herself in the middle, and placed her green skirts neatly around her legs.

Again, you can most likely cut out the adverb here, but what I mostly wanted to point out was the use of 'skirts'. I don't know if you envisioned the girl in more than one skirt, but if not, this is kind of confusing. Hehe~

II. Big Things

-- Plot Action

So, nothing happened. I really hope that this is simply the introduction to a larger piece, because otherwise I don't think it can really stand alone. I mean, it's a pretty good description of a good idea for a concept, but it's mostly description. I'm not saying that nothing happened because she was sleeping the whole time, either. If something happens in her dream worlds, that would have been action as well, but you had her only walking through her worlds. :] Hopefully you add more because this is a good concept, but that is all it is if you do not add more.

-- List Description [tell vs. show]

Another problem I had with this piece was the way you listed a few things and then had them come back in their list form -- namely the different worlds. There were quite a few different regions, and the main problem came when you revisited them to say why they'd been created. One way that you could flesh out this story is to go back and write those sequences where she creates the worlds {broken up by other action, of course}, so that we can be SHOWN why she created them, rather than being TOLD. Just a suggestion. :]

-- Repetition, Repetition

Also, as I mentioned a few times in the other section, you have the tendency to be redundant with your descriptions. Go through and see what words or phrases you can take out without changing the meaning of the piece. Try to save on words, so you have more room to put words you'll really need. :]

Overall, though, I do REALLY like this concept and I think it could be made into a brilliant story. Please continue working on this, because I'd like to see more.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my comments or if you'd like anything else reviewed, okay?

-Hannah-

this is a really good piece. it demonstrates your imagination and shows there is lots of things you could write.

I do hope that their is more to the story. there is lots of things you could add to the story to keep it going. you never know.

Your adjectives also help describ the place but you could do more to add to her life. To explain how bad it is and what connections she has to her dreams.