Wyndolyn

12 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2973
Reviews 102
Wyndolyn could feel the blood trickling down her back as her legs pounded out a furious tattoo beneath her on the hard forest floor. She blinked, clearing her vision as she struggled to keep her trembling legs steady beneath her. Gasping for breath, she forced herself to keep running. As she ran, vivid images of the past few days flickered through her mind. And though she struggled to push the memory away from her, it was imprinted too deeply on her soul, and she knew she could never forget.

- - -

“Wyn!”

The beautiful Elven girl lifted her head to watch the newcomer who’d called to her. As she realized who had called to her, a shimmering gleam of happiness flickered in her amethyst eyes. She quickly hid her enthusiasm from her father with a delicate cough, as she shifted her long violet colored hair to lay flat across her back.
“Didn’t I tell you to inform Gareth that you would not be able to see him today, Wyndolyn?” a voice growled, “Besides, it is not fitting for a Princess such as yourself to be spending so much time with the son of my Royal Adviser . . . people have started to whisper about your headstrong influence on him.” Wyndolyn didn’t reply to the silver haired man who had spoken. The short elven man siting across from her looked for all the world as if he had never smiled once in his life. A delicate golden crown sat across his brow, his pointed ears just touching the base of it.
She had known Gareth ever since her third birthday seventeen years ago. They were inseparably close as friends and knew each others' deepest secrets. They had been through everything together, always by one anothers' side, despite the circumstances. It helped that they both lived in the same castle. Wyndolyn smiled knowingly. A little nagging from her distracted father hardly bothered her. It would take more than that to keep the two from seeing one another.
“Answer me, Wyndolyn!” the man barked. The elven princess sighed at last and turned to face her father. She’d been watching the dirt trail across the royal grounds where a young male elf was jogging along hurriedly. He’d been waving brightly toward Wyndolyn’s direction.
“Yes, Father. I told him.” she stated curtly, her gaze steeled against the Kings. “But words do not control a man . . . ” she raised an eyebrow ever so slightly, “obviously.”
A red splotch of rage covered the man’s face as he clenched his teeth in anger. Before he could say anything though, Wyndolyn rose to her feet. Her pale garment fell about her delicate frame as she turned to leave.
The pair of royalty had chosen to dine in the warmth of the afternoon sun on a small pavilion. It sat amidst the castles magnificent blooming rose gardens. Though the luncheon was against her will, Wyndolyn was glad that she now had no one to divert her from leaving the castle; the garden had no guards.
“You will be back before dinner, Wyndolyn, you hear?! It wouldn’t do for you to miss the Banquet I’ve prepared in your honor. What with the entire country coming to attend and my special surprise for you? It wouldn’t be fitting at all!” the old King stated, his voice cold.
Wyndolyn nodded, and with a hurried sigh she took off down the short flight of stairs and across the garden toward where Gareth was waiting for her.
“Wyn! I thought you’d never get away from your father, gosh! I mean I thought-” Gareth stopped mid-sentence as his golden eyes met with Wyn’s. “What’s wrong Wyn? What happened!?” The elf shoved the gate open and rushed to where Wyn had stopped, tears rolling down her face. He stopped before her, reaching to envelop her in a hug.
Wyndolyn pushed him off, striding toward the open gate as she wiped the tears away and spoke gently. “Not here, Gareth, my father’s watching. There is much I must tell you . . . but not here.”

- - -

The cool forest whispered darkly as the breeze swept through the fluttering leaves. At the base of a large oak lay the two young elves, hidden from the world.
Gareth leaned against the smooth trunk, his eyes pressed tightly closed in thought as he ran his fingers through Wyn’s long hair. She lay sobbing quietly across his lap, her tears flowing gently down her beautiful face. A smile crossed his face, brightening his complexion.
“It’s almost funny Wyn, but wasn’t this the place we first met?” His eyes opened as he stared down at the beautiful elf before him. “If I recall correctly, you were crying then too. Your little sister had spoiled your birthday party and it had broken your tiny heart. Remember?”
At last Wyndolyn spoke, her voice trembling slightly.
“Gareth . . . this is serious . . . it’s not like that anymore, I was a child then. I brought you where we first met. . . . because this is where we must say goodbye.” Wyn sighed shakily, her eyes locked with Gareth’s as all the merriment that had previously shone from them vanished.
“I wasn’t supposed to find out, but I couldn’t help overhearing my father in the study with his Attendant. The banquet, the whole reason he’s invited the kingdom and all . . . he’s planning to have me married to a human!”
Gareth’s eyes widened, staring with horror at Wyn as her words sank in. “But Wyn . . . what about us? All we’ve been through together, I mean I’ll fight for us if I have to but I won’t let them take you from me. It’s not like I’m some commoner, then they’d have a reason to shun me. We can stop this nonsense they’re planning.” Gareth paused, both worry and love shining from his eyes as he whispered. “Marry me, Wyn, and we’ll run away to a place your father will never find us. I mean-”
“Hush.” Wyndolyn’s quiet voice caused Gareth to stop mid-sentence. “You know we can’t do that, Gareth,” Wyn shook her head, reaching a trembling hand out to run it along Gareth’s cheek, “You would be killed. No matter how far away we ran, they would always be able to find us. When you payed homage to my father and eternal loyalty when you turned twelve, your vow implanted inside you a tracking device. If you become unfaithful to the King, the Trackers will kill you.”
“But don’t you love me?” Gareth demanded desperately, his eyes searching Wyn’s frantically.
“I do, Gareth. I’ve loved you ever since we were little and you were so intent on always rescuing me from the enemy that was never really there.” Wyn smiled softly as if remembering the past, when life had been much less complicated. “And because I love you Gareth . . . that is why it has to be this way . . . Eventually, you will forget me, you will forget we ever loved, and you will find another.” Pain shone from the Princesses eyes as she spoke, her own words stabbing her heart painfully. “I’m strong enough to say goodbye in order to protect you . . . in turn, can you be strong enough to let me go?” The elf stared at Wyn, speechless at her words.
“B-but the orb? What does it say? I mean will we ever see each other again?” Gareth pleaded softly, clutching at a last hope.
“No, Gareth . . . ” Wyn spoke gently, “We will never see one another . . . ever again. If I am to avoid my destiny as the Queen to a Human, and you are to escape death at the mercy of my father, we have no other choice than this.”
“But, Wyn . . . what if . . . what if we tell him?” Anger flared in Wyn’s eyes at the simple words Gareth spoke.
“Obviously you do not know my father, Gareth, and you have not been listening to my words!” Wyn shook her head almost pityingly, “The King will kill you without a second thought and I will be forced to marry into the allegiance he has planned for me since the day I was born. I am worth too much to him in this allegiance for him to simply allow me to slip into anothers hands without a second thought. There is no other way, Gareth!” The two elves stared into each others eyes for a long while.
At last Gareth spoke, averting his gaze. “Forgive me, Wyndolyn . . . in desperation I seem to have become the simple-minded commoner your father believes me to be. I hope that your last memories of me are not of a coward. I understand, Wyn . . . and though I will be dying every day that you are not with me, I accept what we must do.” Gareth submitted quietly.
“I will run, Gareth . . . I shall travel toward the setting sun and onward to the Endless River.” She reached into a blue leather satchel that lay alongside her and raised a diamond sphere to Gareth’s eyes. The ball glittered in the dappled light of the forest and Wyn smiled lovingly.
“Take it . . . ”she spoke softly, offering it to him gently. Gareth nodded, closing his hands over Wyn’s tightly, “To remember me by if nothing else. In the world I am going to . . . my eyes will be closed forever and the Sight taken from me . . . ”
“You are far stronger than I, Wyn . . . so willing to sacrifice everything . . . even me.” Gareth took the orb and placed in his own leather bag. “I will travel with you to the dock to see you off . . . I will never be able to forget you, Wyn . . . Never.” Wyn nodded bitterly, the tears threatening to come once more as she fell into Gareth’s arm’s, her heart breaking.

- - -

Falling into a trembling heap, Wyn felt the warm blood pooling around her. She could hear the sounds of the baying hounds and knew that they weren’t that far away. Soon they would find her. Either the men would kill her in their guilt, afraid of her father’s wrath for injuring her, or worse yet they would drag her back to her father to be married to a man she did not love.
It had not gone as planned, not at all. Gareth had been traveling with her to the dock where she would take the Vessel to the Gateway to the Worlds. Once there she had planned to travel to a world where she could at last be free of her father’s grasp. But then they had been overtaken by Hunters her father had sent after them.
Wyn had been badly injured when she had gotten captured and struggled for escape. The Hunters were no gentlemen and though her Father had warned them that she was to be returned unscathed, all they knew was force. In attempting to restrain headstrong Wyn, her captor had stumbled. As he had fallen, he had cut a long gash across her back, his spear ripping painfully into her flesh.
Only thanks to Gareth’s cunning mind and fast work had she managed to escape the other guard as well. She had last seen Gareth bound with ropes that cut into his flesh and a gag that choked his voice, as he had given up his freedom to protect her. Knowing that trying to save him would be pointless, she had fled, running for her life. It had been against every instinct in her body to leave him laying there, alone and helpless. And so Wyn had made a promise, a promise to return and at the very least, make sure he would live.
Wyn tried to raise her head but found she had lost the strength even for that. She felt someone touching her back, running their cool fingers along the spear wound that had been sliced across the back of her rib cage. She was so unconscious she hardly cared. She could feel she was being gently lifted into the air by strong arms and a light flashed across her blurry vision. As she sank deeper into oblivion she could hear the sound of a nearby river flowing softly and the pain in her back subsided. Wyn wondered if she was being placed in a coffin as rough wood pressed against her back and at last she drifted into a blissful nothingness.

- - -

Wyn sat up startled. She realized the constant rocking that had enveloped her had stopped suddenly. As she listened, an unnatural silence filled her world. The silence was broken only by the gentle sound of waves against the sides of the beautifully crafted Vessel she had been lying in. Wyn gasped as she turned her eyes away from the black waters of the Endless River, realizing at last where she was.
“Hmm-hmm.” A quiet childlike laugh filled the calm chamber and Wyn at last noticed a small child wearing a green traveling cloak. The girl held a glowing wax candle and was observing her closely. She had golden hair and her intelligent eyes shone as she watched Wyn struggle to stand and join her on the solid ground. As she rose she realized in amazement that her wound had been healed.
Wyn was transfixed with what she saw as she came to stand beside the small child. Before her rose a huge stone cavern filled with all the colors of the rainbow as they leaked across the stalagmites like paint. The stalagmites themselves wound throughout the cave, resembling carefully carved icicles, spiraling downward toward the cave floor like daggers. Crystals of varying colors rose out of the ground. They shed a faint light which revealed a path that wound through them, leading deeper into the large grotto.
Wyn realized that the cave was aglow with energy, and as if it was alive, it pulsed softly. Peering further into the cave she noticed many crevasses and openings. Her eyes widened as she watched the stars twinkling through one. She could see a distant land of greenery and waterfalls through another. As she observed the beautiful scene before her, she saw world upon world, shimmering through the various portals.
“I-I never imagined the Gateway could possibly be anything like this.” Wyn whispered reverently, realizing she was lucky to even be alive.
“Yes . . . it is amazing, Wyn. Isn’t it?” a small voice replied. Wyn smiled gently as she looked down at the tiny child.
“What is your name? You know I owe you my life . . . thank you.” The girl smiled knowingly up at Wyn.
“My name is Valixy . . . ” she said softly.
“Why did you save me, Valixy? Why was I so deserving of your heroism?” Wyn asked quietly, watching the girl carefully.
“Because you are special, Wyndolyn, very special . . . but right now you must make the choice to journey down the pathway and into your own new world . . . you must choose.” Wyndolyn sighed as she raised her eyes to the portals and stared into the many different worlds before her.
“I can’t leave here, Valixy . . . not yet at least. I have something I must do first.” Wyn stared into Valixy’s wizened eyes as she wished desperately that there was some way she and Gareth could be together. “I’m strong enough to leave him . . .” she spoke in a barely audible whisper, “But I’m not heartless enough to abandon him . . . It’s different.”
Valixy smiled as she raised a small orb from her cloak and passed it to Wyn. “Here . . . take this.”
Wyn took the orb and gazed into it, noticing a small image flickering about its center. Wyn watched painfully as she saw Gareth lying limp against a cold prison wall. His wrists were raw where the shackles had dug into them. She could feel the tears pushing at her eyes as she struggled to contain them.
“Gareth.” She couldn’t stand seeing his pain and was about to pass the orb back to Valixy when a sudden movement at the edge of the image caught her notice. She watched transfixed as a pale young elf moved from the shadows of the prison. Like a ghost, she flowed majestically toward Gareth. She was beautiful in a mysteriously haunting sort of way and Wyn shuddered.
Like clockwork the woman began working methodically on Gareth’s shackles and in moments he slumped to the ground, waking abruptly.
“But which one?” The image vanished and Wyn blinked as she looked down at Valixy.
“What do you mean?”
“What portal will you choose?” Valixy urged.
“Oh . . . ” Wyn quieted as she passed the orb back to Valixy and allowed her soul to calm. Her heart ached as she thought of leaving Gareth behind forever. She knew one day he would find another to love. But where she was going, that would never be possible. An elf could not fall in love with a human.
“Will he be all right?” Wyn’s voice was shallow and dull but Valixy nodded brightly.
“He will be fine Wyndolyn. Because of your strength, the two of you will live.” Wyn couldn’t help but let out a ragged sigh.
“Is it even worth living if you know you won’t ever be happy again?” Wyn questioned, causing Valixy to laugh.
“You mustn’t rely on the Sight so much Wyn, things change, the future changes, even time changes. One day you shall be happy again . . . and perhaps one day . . . ” Valixy’s eyes gleamed mischievously, “You and Gareth will be reunited once more. But for now you must choose which path to take.”
Wyn nodded, bracing herself for what she knew must come. “Take me to the land where the humans dwell, Valixy . . . and I bid you, please watch over Gareth when I am gone.”
The small girl nodded understandingly. Together, Valixy and Wyndolyn stepped out across the beautiful cavern, along the path toward the portal that Wyn hoped with all her heart, would one day make her soul whole again.
Last edited by DakotaK on Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Dakota, Stella here! So I'm entering the contest too, but I've been chacking out all the other entrants and critiquing them... because I'm weird like that...

I. NITPICKS

gleam of happiness flickering across her amethyst eyes.


across seems a bit of a weird word here...

“Didn’t I tell you to inform Gareth that you would not be able to see him today, Wyndolyn? Besides it isn’t fitting for a Princess such as yourself to be hanging around the stableboy!” A voice growled.


That should be a small "A"... I'll explain this later...

the old King stated, his voice cold


You missed a full stop here.

The cool forest whispered darkly as the breeze swept through the sun-kissed leaves.


sun-kissed? Pretty, but not fitting...

I except what we must do.” Gareth submitted quietly.


accept.

overtaken by Hunter’s her father had sent after them.


No apostrophe.

The Hunter’s


Again, no apostrophe.

to be return


returned.

Okay...

II. TRUE LOOOOVE

Why?

I didn't get much of an idea as to why they loved each other. Use flashbacks, they'll help you. Show us why she loves Gareth, and why he loves her. Why they want to be together. This will take some more character development on Gareth as well, he's a bit meh-ish.

The princess and the stable-boy is such a cliché so you've got to make it your own. Come on... I know you have it in you...

III. DIALOGUE PUNCTUATION

Demmie explains better than I:

viewarticlebody.php?t=44898

IV. OVERALL

I enjoyed this, but I think it could use more emotion and development on the side of Gareth and Wyn's relationship with him. Wyn herself I quite liked. It's nicely written.

Hope I helped-drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2973
Reviews 102
*REVISED* 7/14/09
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4362
Reviews 263
Hey Dakota ^^ Here as requested ;) I'm a fan of Elves and fantasy, so I'll be extra picky with how you portray them :P


Wyndolyn could feel the blood trickling down her back as her legs pounded out a *furious tattoo [s]beneath her[/s] on the hard forest floor.

*Can a tattoo really be furious? Unless you were going for personification, you need to find another word. You might've been trying to describe how Wyndolyn's legs pounded on the tattoo and just put the word in the wrong place. Try to be clear on what you're saying.

*"Beneath her" is redundant because if it's on the forest floor, it's implied it's beneath her.

This is an interesting hook, however the tattoo on the ground kind of confused me so I had to read it a few times. Is it really her legs that are pounding on the tattoo, or her feet? If she's sitting down, her calves would be pounding on it, but if she's standing up, it would be her feet.

She blinked, clearing her vision as she struggled to keep her trembling legs steady[s] beneath her[/s].


You blink to clear vision, so might I suggest saying "She blinked to clear her vision...." ?

Ah, she is standing up ^^ So in the sentence above, you need to change "legs" to "feet" since she's not sitting down.

Legs are usually beneath you if you're standing up, so "beneath her" is not necessary.

*Panting for breath, she forced herself to keep running.

Mmm, I don't think panting works here. You can't really pant for breath. Maybe "gasping for air" instead?

As she ran, [s]vivid[/s] images flickered through her mind.

You need to show how the images are vivid rather than just saying they are.

Example of showing and telling:

Telling: The boy played his fire-red Stratocaster really awesome because he loved it.

Showing: The boy held his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers over its silver strings.

Not such a hot example, but you get the idea ;)


And though she struggled to push the memory away from her, it was imprinted [s]too deeply on[/s] her soul, and she knew she could never forget.

I'm not like the beginning of this sentence. Also, the wording for pushing away the memory. You'd push a memory out of your mind or thoughts. It would work better with a conjuction, so maybe change it to:
"She struggled to push the memory out of her thoughts, but it was already imprinted on her soul. She knew she could never forget."




The beautiful elven girl lifted her head to watch the newcomer who’d called to her.

-Elven should be capitalized. It's a race, like Dwarves and Spanish and European.
-Don't just tell us she's a beautiful Elven girl. Some descriptions, please!

As she realized who it was a shimmering gleam of happiness flickering in her amethyst eyes.

Oh, goodness. How many adjectives can you possibly fit into a sentence? It's not about quantity, dear. It's about quality ^^ Also, the "it was" confuses me and the second part is the wrong tense.


She quickly hid her enthusiasm from her Father with a delicate cough as she shifted her long violet colored hair to lie flat across her back.

*father should be lowercase since it has "her" in front of it. Only capitalize father if it's used as a title.
-Can coughs really be "delicate"?
-You need some commas because this is a long sentence.
*violet-colored needs a dash
-Lie is to not tell the truth. I think you're looking for "lay"


“Didn’t I tell you to inform Gareth that you would not be able to see him today, Wyndolyn?” a voice growled, “Besides it isn’t fitting for a Princess such as yourself to be hanging around my Royal Adviser's son . . . people have started to whisper about your headstrong influence, not to say the least, it’s just not right!”

This sounds more like a naggy advisor than a King. Too may contractions and he's not formal.

She had known Gareth ever since her third birthday seventeen years ago. They were inseparably close as friends and knew each others deepest secrets.

-Each others' <--- needs an apostrophe


They had been through everything together, always by one anothers side, despite the circumstances.

-Anothers'

-----------

I'm going to stop here because the problems seem to repeat.

Dakota, you're using a lot of adjectives, trying to silver-line things that don't need to be silver lined. It's about the quality of your story, not about the quantity.

The cool forest whispered darkly
<---- A forest can't really whisper darkly. It can whisper and send chills down its inhabitants' spines or something, but not darkly.

You need to work on saying what you're trying to say. In other words, findind the right words.

You also need to work on showing instead of telling, using imagery, the five senses, and dialogue. Your characters are kind of inconsistent and don't match their appearances. Give them traits, and stick to those traits. Let your characters be loyal to their first impression because the reader's want dependable characters.

You need to clean up those extra words, paint a picture for us, and make some of the dialogue more believable.

The King is a King, so I'd expect him to be formal. Gareth didn't seem like a person who'd say "geezer".

Don't forget that Elves need flaws, too. If you plan on making this a novel or if a novel you're working on includes Elves, I'd suggest you read this : http://limyaael.livejournal.com/136885.html

Or if you'd like, you could read the first few chapters of my fantasy novel Kingdom of Gold. It involves Elves and other mythical races, so maybe you could get an idea of how to develop your own world.

Hope this Helps^^
-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4049
Reviews 99
This is really great! I feel I don't have the right to critique this, you could do better than me. I don't have anything to help you except I found a few sentences confusing.

As she realized who it was a shimmering gleam of happiness flickering in her amethyst eyes.

Did you mean "flickered"?

Paying homage to my father and eternal loyalty, like you did when you turned twelve, implanted you with a tracking device.

This sentence didn't make sense to me. Did you forget a word?

Other than that it was great!

~Tayla

P.S. Please review my writing!
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Anonymous

I am the author of my life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes. . .
~Anonymous




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Here again, as requested.
So. I really do not see much change here. But you --did-- change Gabriel's name. Schweet.
You have my comments on the original piece, so this review will be a bit shorter. By the way, I still think this is pretty cliched. I'm sorry, but I still do.

“Besides it isn’t fitting for a Princess such as yourself to be hanging around my Royal Adviser's son . . . people have started to whisper about your headstrong influence, not to say the least, it’s just not right!


Would anyone ever say this? Seriously? I can't imagine someone ever saying this, it kind of reads as though it was put in for the benefit of the audience. In like two sentences

I'll finish this in a bit.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4362
Reviews 263
Antigone Cadmus wrote:. By the way, I still think this is pretty cliched. I'm sorry, but I still do.
.


I have to agree with my Latin coach Antigoney, here. There's not really a twist and the Elves are cliche. Make sure to read that Elf guide I gave you there ;)

-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2290
Reviews 88
Yay! Another competitor!
Personally I really liked your story. I enjoyed the description, but then again I always put to much in my stories anyhow. I like where the story took the reader, and how you were able to feel the devotion Wyn and Gareth had for each other.
Pm if you write anything else, I'd love to read it!
Friend & Foe
~Zanna
P.S. Thanks for reviewing my entry also!
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
Hello there. A little late, but I'm back as requested.

Technical Bits

She was so unconscious she hardly cared.

If you're unconscious, you're unconscious; there's not awareness or caring of anything. As such, this sentence makes no sense. Now, if you rephrased it as "She hardly cared as she teetered on the brink of consciousness," it would make more sense.

I've noticed that you miss a lot of commas of a particular sort. In the event you have an introductory word/phrase (like this), you place a comma at the end of the introductory word/phrase and before the rest of the sentence.

Another little nitpicky thing: concision. You could probably make most of your sentences more concise which would result in them being shorter and thus easier to read.

And yet another nitpick: does she have to be a beautiful elf princess with violet eyes? It's a bit much, cliche-wise.

The Characters
Gabriel is still just the One True Love. He's got a bit more characterization to him, but he's essentially just that still. Wyndolyn came across as super selfish and spoiled. Seriously, she is a princess and would have been raised with the knowledge that she would be given away in an arranged marriage. Also, I wonder why marrying a human is such a huge issue; assuming that your elves are of the popular variety, an elf would live much longer than a human. Why is Wyn marrying Gabriel after her human husband's death not an option?

Plot Holes

Wyn took Gabriel to the place they met and told him that he would have to stay behind. Okay. And yet, if she was so adamant about his staying behind, why is she letting him accompany her to the dock? If she was so concerned about Gabriel, she shouldn't have let him accompany her, simply to keep witnesses from mentioning that Gabriel was with the princess before she disappeared.

Also, the whole Gabriel getting freed thing reeks of deus ex machina. My suggestion: Gabriel and Wyn part under the trees. End of story. Gabriel does not get captured, and Wyn escapes on her own somehow (does she really have to be wounded?).

By the way, why is she going into hiding in human lands if she has such an abhorrence for them?

Overall

I got the impression that you were focusing too hard on fixing up all the things I pointed out that you forgot to go back and check that everything worked well in the context of the story. It's still pretty cliche and unoriginal, but I think that if you focus more on Wyndolyn, her thoughts, her motives, her reasoning, you could make a strong character-driven piece out of this. Basically, try writing (not rewriting; treat this a separate project) this story from her point of view; she may have some very interesting tidbits of information/characterization to offer. After you've done that, try writing it from Gabriel's PoV, or Wyn's father's PoV. You could even write it from Valixy's PoV (I think that would be interesting). Not only will this provide you with some good practice in getting into your characters' heads, it will also show you help you become more aware of how PoV can be manipulated to narrate the same basic events in an entirely different light.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 26101
Reviews 1335
Hello, Dakota! I can see that you've already gotten a lot of good feedback on this piece, so I'm just going to read through it, comment on things that stick out to me, and then give you my general impressions.

-- Adverbs and Adjectives

One problem that you have with this piece is that you rely way too heavily on adverbs and adjectives. There is always a way to describe things or imply things, especially without adverbs. Try to avoid adverbs altogether and use adjectives sparingly -- only when they're absolutely necessary to the meaning of the sentence. Here's an example of how NOT to use adverbs:

"Come here, June, and be quiet. I have to tell this to you and only you," said Ralph, quietly and personally.

See -- in the dialogue, the adverbs are implied. He's obviously speaking only to June and he wants her to be quiet, so it's a good possibility that he's being quiet, too. ^___^ Think about it and see what you can do with your piece.

-- Dramatic Dialogue

Another problem that will really stick out to the reader is over-dramatic dialogue. Try saying your dialogue lines aloud, to another person that might not necessarily read your work or be into the same thing that you are. If you can say the dialogue without laughing, then it's probably normal, but if it's hard to say, that's probably because it's over-dramatic or unnatural. I don't know where I got that tip from, but it's not my own. oO; Still, I pass it on to you -- use it well!

-- Cliche Love

How many times have you read a story where a boy and a girl like each other, but then they have to go, and they act all self-sacrificial and broken hearted because they've been together forever and never been apart? In real life, people learn to deal with these things -- they learn to move on, and they think immediately about how to recover. It's not as noble and smooth as it's often portrayed. You've probably read a lot of stories like that, so that's what you write, but instead I invite you to look at the real romances around you and see the dynamics of real love. Try basing your relationships off reality, even if they take place in a different kind of world.

-- On Another Note

I would like to recommend that when you post pieces, that you post them short parts at a time. If you post long things like this, it gets more difficult for people to handle all at once and it'll probably get you less reviews. For example, you could have broken it up into about two sections per one post or something like this. It's just a courtesy to the people who are trying to review -- it's more difficult to go through one big long thing in one sitting. ^___^

PM me if you have any questions, okay?

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Back for part two!
Alright, so it looks like all the other reviewers have given you nit-picks for grammar, so I'm going to re-touch on my biggest issue with this piece.

It's simply too overdone.

What you're using are called stock characters. I stalk character is a generalization of a person -- a walking cliche. For example, if I were to to write a parody of a high school, I would use stock characters: an emo poet, a pretty cheerleader, the airhead, hot, captain of the football team.

Same goes for your characters:

Mr. Mean Daddy King

He's generic mean father. He wants nothing more than to make his daughter's life a misery. He's grumpy, and of course, old. We don't know why he's so grumpy, but he is!
The problem in your story is that we don't see enough of Wyndolyn and her father's relationship. It's just that one little scene, where you basically try to describe everything wrong with their relationship in a paragraph. Unfortunately, this doesn't make the dad look as rotten as you want him to. In fact, Wyndolyn's fresh remarks make her look a bit like a brat.

The One True Love

Gareth and Wyndolyn -- the doomed couple! Her father has forbidden them to see each other, so of course they must be soul mates, destined to be together forever.
I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but the glimpses of the relationship you give us is too shallow to really care about. It's too "my love" and "oh that your awful father would let us wed!" I don't see anything original about them.
Why does Wyn love him? Is it the way he puts his arm around her when she's upset? The way he's always cracking jokes? Does her heart soften when she sees the way he cares for his younger sister?
Show me what makes Wyndolyn and Gareth Wyndolyn and Gareth instead of True Lovers.

Wyndolyn

The oppressed daughter. The disillusioned princess. A seer-elf. All of these are a bit overdone. And Wyn has yet to make these roles her own. Right now she's simply playing the part.
Play it up a bit more -- Does she remember the time her father executed a peasant? Does she hate trying to fit into the royal picture? Have some fun with it!

Shiny Happy Elves

They're beautiful, tall, did I say beautiful? They have powers of clairvoyance, they live in the forest, their pointed ears strike awe in the hearts of mortals.
What makes your elven society different?

I know this sounds pretty mean, but make these changes and it will be so much better!

Happy editing,
Antigone
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28467
Reviews 675
OMG Dakota, I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten to this sooner. But sense this is the revised version, I figured I would review the updated version.

Repetition

The beautiful Elven girl lifted her head to watch the newcomer who’d called to her. As she realized who had called to her, a shimmering gleam of happiness flickered in her amethyst eyes.


Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful


This word shows up a lot if you never noticed.

Cliché Characters

I’m sure it was mentioned before, but it really is something that you should focus on. Wyn comes off as well, a beautiful Elven princess who gets her heart broken. And how many stories have you read that go the same way (or something like it). Characters need flaws. Flaws are what make readers connect with the characters. The same goes for Gareth, who seems more like, well, ‘Prince Charming’ in the fact that he’s everything every little girl wishes they would meet, marry, and live happily ever after with.


If there are any details that you would like to see touched on, feel free to PM me. But from what I can tell, the important stuff that needed work was touched on.
Good luck with the contest. (btw, we’re competitors.)

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.



we went from advice to meth real quick
— ShadowVyper