My novel, after reviews.

Hello,

After failing terribly at writing my novel, I took all of the kind peoples advice and tried again. The changes I made seem to be a little more drastic than just changing its clothes, but it is not a totally new creature. It is as if I gave it some plastic surgery. And here it is.

Untitled

Chapter 1
Untitled also.

Walls, a warm, welcoming peach. This was the first thing I saw after brushing my wavy, brown hair out of my eyes as I woke in this unfamiliar room. "Where am I? What am I doing here? Who brought me here?" A hundred thoughts flew through my head at once like arrows soaring through the sky in some medieval battle-field. My trembling hands slowly removed the thick white blanket from my small, fit body.

Getting up off of the high bed I could feel my stomach quivering. I headed towards the window to see if anything was recognizable. Nothing. Judging by the sun it was still morning, not past ten AM. I began to search the drawers for something that may be mine, or something that can clue me in on where I am. As my search continued my mind dove back into the moment I recalled before I woke in this unknown room.

"I am going to go to bed." I said as I stood up from the table and headed toward the garbage to empty the rest of my un-touched food off of the plate.

"But honey, you barely touched your dinner, and it's only eight o'clock." My mother replied.

"I don't feel well Mom." I placed my plate in the sink and dragged myself off to my room.

"Alright, Nikki, feel better."

"Thanks." I said as I closed my door. Like most nights I didn't even bother to change and went to sleep in the clothes I was already wearing.

After searching the drawers and my mind I still had no clue as to what was going on. I decided that after I inspect the rest of the room I would go deeper into the house and try to locate somebody who can explain things. There was always the possibility that I was kidnapped and forced to come here, and that finding somebody may only get me into more danger, but I know I could easily escape this house whether somebody was chasing me or not.

I walked towards the open door of a seemlingly empty closet to look for whatever it was I was searching for in there. The closet was not empty as I had assumed however. Pushed into the back right corner, sitting on a shelf, was a small black box with a huge pad-lock on it. Out of pure curiosity I took the little box and sat down on the bed while fumbling around with it in my hands. The box was made of what had seemed like onyx, and was impossible to open without the key.

Not wanting to waste any more time I placed the box down on the bed, and went back to the closet to see if I had missed anything. After re-searching it I closed the door, "Clack!", the sound of something metal hitting the floor. Immediately I opened the closet back up and saw something golden, glistening in the sunlight, lieing [Note to self: Lieing, correct word or not?] on the wooden floor.

I quickly grabbed it and felt a bump being pressed under my finger as the item sprung to life in my hand. I had jumped because of its suddenness, [Note to self: Is that even a word? Find better word. Doesn't sound right] and wondered what happened. I looked back down at the item, and saw a shiny metal blade protruding from the golden casing of the item, which I now realized was a switchblade.

My hands, shaking more than they were before, slowly and carefully picked up the knife. Running my finger along the cold steel of the blade a chill went down my spine. The knife was so sharp, and so elegantly made. I turned the knife over in my hand and saw an engraving into the side of the knife. Along the right side of the knife there was a picture of half of a mans face, the man had wings and one was showing in the back-ground. I let my finger surf the detailed engraving.

After finally pulling my eyes away from the mesmerizing engraving on the knife I pulled myself back into the problem at hand. I slipped the knife into my pocket as it may be useful later, then I decided to go further into the house. As I approached the door I felt my stomach drop. My palms started sweating and I felt my adrenaline start to kick in. I had to be ready for anything because wherever I was, whoever had me here, there was a reason for it.




Note: Try to ignore/answer the note to self marks I made. And if I left any other markings in there such as codes or such just ignore them.

I am not familliar with the grammatical lives of onomonopia so if sombody can fill me in on that, I.E. should it be in italics, quotes, ect. ect.

Thank you very much and please tell me if I did better than my first try, or worse.

Hello Author-of-15 ,

I read this chapter before I read the first one and I saw improvement. You had some good parts in the first one that I liked--describing the main character--but that's my opinion. Maybe just adding a little paragraph about the character. Speaking of paragraphs, you had good sized paragraphes.

A bit of advice is don't use "said" a lot. I'm not saying that you did in this chapter, just something you should watch out for. Use other words or don't use it at all like you did in the flashback.

Anyhoo, I like this chapter better. You did a good job, but there is always room for improving (:

Keep Writing

I feel as if I should review the rewrite. It's my duty. ^^

Firstly, I disagree with CuteBalletDancer. You should use said a lot, and don't change that. It's essential. If the dialogue isn't strong enough for us to guess how something is said in the words, then it needs to be revised.

That said, this was a drastic improvement. It still has a way to go, but Da Vinci didn't paint the Mona Lisa in an afternoon. He spent years becoming a good artist, and even longer revising his techniques. So don't feel that you can't do better. Just practice, practice, practice and you will get there.

Now for the review itself. =)

Walls, a warm, welcoming peach. This was the first thing I saw after brushing my wavy, brown hair out of my eyes as I woke in this unfamiliar room.

I remember that before, you drowned us in adjectives. This is better. But I think the second line could be briefer, quicker, more instant. The point of the sentence is to mention that he has just woken in a strange room. So let's stick with that and rephrase it using fewer words. We might as well keep the reader informed about the hair colour, but wavy doesn't really do much for me. We can find out about that later. For now, I'd say something like this: "I brushed my brown hair from my eyes and that is what I saw. A room that stared at me, an unfamiliar intruder."

So maybe that's not a great example as it's about the same length, but it introduces more to us in a way that engages the reader. Maybe. I don't know. But do you get what I mean?

A hundred thoughts flew through my head at once like arrows soaring through the sky in some medieval battle-field.

Ooh, I like this. I do. But how can a sky be in a battlefield (one word, by the way)? A bit picky but no need to drag on a simile for too long. Also get rid of the "at once".

This is one example where you have managed to phrase something so much more innovatively with a little thought.

My trembling hands slowly removed the thick white blanket from my small, fit body.

Five adjectives, one adverb, one sentence. Why is he trembling? A bit sudden, isn't it? I'd have thought he'd be more frozen, or thinking it was dreaming or something. Does the colour and thickness of the blanket honestly matter? Do we need to know that the character is fit, and how does relate to the sentence? Tell us that later when he's running a hundred miles an hour from a bunch of demons. Or not. =)

that can clue me in on where I am

Be careful about the tense changes.

I just noticed your dialogue grammar - can't remember if we've been through this before, but you'll want to brush up on the grammar a little bit. Anywho, go here and do what Snoink says: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic3746.html.

I decided that after I inspect the rest of the room I would go deeper into the house and try to locate somebody who can explain things. There was always the possibility that I was kidnapped and forced to come here, and that finding somebody may only get me into more danger, but I know I could easily escape this house whether somebody was chasing me or not.

Wait, he might have been kidnapped, and his first thought is to find that kidnapper? Not cautious at all? Give it a little realism. This character seems a little vain, like, you know, saying he can beat up anybody he likes because he really is that awesome.

lieing [Note to self: Lieing, correct word or not?]

"Lying". ^^ Also, read this: http://www.britishcouncil.org/learnenglish-central-grammar-lie-lay.htm

I had jumped because of its suddenness

It's a word, but a bad one. And not only that but it's much more engaging and active to just say, "I jumped as it suddenly sprang alive in my hands."

Along the right side of the knife there was a picture of half of a mans face, the man had wings and one was showing in the back-ground. I let my finger surf the detailed engraving.
After finally pulling my eyes away from the mesmerizing engraving

A few things here. 1) "mans" = "man's". Remember your possessive apostrophes. 2) If it only shows half a man's face, how can you tell it has wings? I'm not really seeing this image very well. It's best to draw it out by hand and then describe it how you see it, or better still, get someone else to tell what it looks like. And 3) I'm not liking the repetition off "engraving". Do something with that. Finally, 4) "back-ground" = "background"

I am not familliar with the grammatical lives of onomonopia so if sombody can fill me in on that, I.E. should it be in italics, quotes, ect. ect.

Err, you mean onomatopoeia? Well, it can be however you like. I personally don't do anything with it but so long as you keep consistent with it, it shouldn't matter.

So, yes, much much better than before. And I think it's shorter too, and it tells us all we need to know and doesn't go (too far) overboard. I'd still recommend including a few more bits of imagery in there, but yeah. A fantastic improvement.

The biggest areas that you'll still need to work on are, in my opinion, creating snappier sentence structures and developing further into your character's minds. What would you do in that situation? What would motivate you? That's the key word, motivation, otherwise characters are just penning their way along writer's destiny.

I'd still like to know where this is going. In terms of your writing style, you're still in early stages and it can go in any direction. By all means continue with this story, but read some more books, read different styles, try some poetry and experiment with short stories using techniques that you like.

Glad to see you've got commitment here. ^^ As always, my PM inbox is always welcome to questions. =)

Best
Blinky