For the Once upon a time contest

Hello. So, just so you know, every bit of this is true. Maybe expect for the Ogre part - my dad never really agreed with me on that one ^ ^. I'd become completely attached to this piece, and was having serious doubts about publishing it, but in the end I decided to go ahead. This is an actual part of my life, including the conversation and everything. It goes a while back, deep into my past. Enjoy, and try not to rip it apart.

Once upon a time

"Once upon a time… in a kingdom far away, lived a princess." My father's green eyes looked at me expectantly, and my eyes, just as green as his, stared back furiously.
"Well, go on, read the rest." I folded my hands stubbornly across my chest.
My father sighed, clearly at loss. "I don't know what the rest is," he admitted sheepishly. "It had a beginning, and a middle, and an ending. Now go to sleep, pumpkin."
I saw he was trying to get off the hook easily. "It did not have a middle and an ending!"
"Ah," my dad said, smiling, "but it did have a beginning. Is that not enough?"
I bit back a laugh. "No, dad." It was hard keeping my face serious.
My dad thought about that for a while, the corners of his mouth pulling up. "Okay, fine. Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, lived a princess. The princess met a prince; they got married and lived happily ever after." His tone was triumphant.
"What, that's it?" I objected.
"Naw," he said, lifting my pink covers until they reached my chin. I hated when he and Mum did that. "After they got married they both found jobs they like, started paying the mortgage for the palace, and had an adorable little princess and prince."
I frowned. "You think Jake's adorable?"
My dad's smile grew wider, his grey hair turning almost brown as it used to be in the faded light.
"Seriously, dad. You must like Ogres if you think he's adorable."
I could see my father fighting a chuckle. "He's not an Ogre, Mel."
I shrugged. "You can never know…" I hinted.
"Yes," my father agreed at last, getting up from my bed. "You can never know."
I struggled to my elbow. "Where are you going?" My face was all business now. "What about my story?"
My father paused at the door. "I told you one," he said, perplexed.
"Did not." I stuck out my tongue at him.
"Fine." With one last defeated sigh, he slumped against my bed. "What story do you want to hear?"
I considered that carefully. "Snow white," I determined at last.
My dad looked exasperated. "I read that to you last night."
"Umm." I searched through the loaded shelf. "How about Cinderella?"
My dad shook his head. "Yet again, I read it to you last night."
"Humpty-dumpty?"
"Read it."
"Umm, Reponzelle?"
My dad shook his head.
My brow creased. "Alice in wonder-land?"
"Nope."
"Narnia?"
My dad slid his thin glasses off his nose, cleaning them with the side of his shirt. "And I already read Harry Potter to Jake, so you're going to have to do without it tonight."
I thought through the list of books.
"How about you make up a story?" my dad suggested, his green eyes sparkling.
I nodded, instantly enthusiastic. "What should it be about, dad?"
My dad contemplated the question. "How about a little girl?"
"That's right!" I stumbled out of my covers. "And what should she do, dad?"
"She should… go into a different world, like in Alice and wonder-land, only different."
"Shh, dad, I'm thinking," I scolded him.
He restrained a smile. "All right."
After a few moments of thought, I had my story cleared out. "Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Eve. Eve loved everyone, and was nice to everyone, so everyone loved her back." I paused, making sure he was listening.
He covered me with the pink covers all the way up to the chin again. "Go on," he said politely.
Encouraged, I continued. "One day, Eve went to… the magical forest near her home. She wanted to pick out mushrooms for her mum's favorite mushroom salad. But just as she got there, she noticed a… bear." I hesitated before continuing. "She said: 'why are you all alone, Mr. Bear?'"
"I hope that if you ever meet a bear you'll react differently," my father cut in.
I glowered at him. "Dad, she met a nice bear."
"Well that explains it." His tone was placating.
"Anyway, Eve walked the bear home, because he told her he isn't feeling so well. And the bear's parents were so happy she helped that they brought her three magical apples. Now, with three magical apples in her pockets, Eve turned around to go home, but Eve didn't know that… the witch was after those apples.
"And just as Eve was about to get away from the forest, someone caught her. And she wailed, and she screamed, but they wouldn't let her go! And then she noticed they weren't hurting her at all. 'You need to be quiet!' scolded her a girl who was much taller and older and had black hair and brown eyes and pointed ears. 'I am the elf of this forest, and the witch wants to get your apples!' So Eve relaxed, and said she's sorry, but if the elf-lady could please let her go, because she needs to go home. And the elf-lady told her that it's dangerous, so she'd walk her there, but when they were walking the witch came on her broom and snatched Eve!
"In the witch's castle, Eve met the prince, see, he was already taken prisoner a while back over an issue with the witch's pet dragon. And they both made a plan to run away. The witch didn't know where the apples were, so she was trying to find out, and that gave them time to plan. When the witch came down to take the apples, Eve and the prince jumped to their feet, threw one apple to the other side of the room, and as the witch lunged in to take it, they both ran away through the open door.
"They ran and they ran, and finally they were near Eve's house. 'Thank you for all your help,' told her the prince, and Eve smiled and said he was welcomed over any time to play – just so you know, they became best friends after that – and in order to thank him back, Eve gave him one of the apples. So now, Eve had one apple, and after all that running and walking and escaping, she was pretty hungry, so she ate it. And it was the best apple in the world! And she was really, really happy –" I yawned. "And they lived happily ever after. Eve and the prince, that is." I looked for my dad, wanting to see what he has to say about the story.
My dad's head rested on the side of my bed, and his eyes were closed, his chest moving evenly as he drew big breaths in his sleep. He was snoring lightly, deep into his snooze.
"Dad!" I moaned, tapping his shoulder, but he didn't wake up. I yawned again. 'Fine… I'll… just tell you about it… later," I mumbled, and snuggled in my bed. I turned the lights off, feeling numb. 'Night,' I muttered sleepily. I could almost swear that my father answered a 'good night' himself before pulling up my covers until my chin.

This is so sweet. I suppose I can't really say I love the idea if it actually happened, but it's so easy to relate to. The first half is written a bit better than the second, I think. I'll explain why in a minute, but first, just a few nitpicks.

"Snow white," I determined at last.

Snow White, with both names capitalised.

"Humpty-dumpty?"

There's a whole Humpty Dumpty (written like that, I think) book? I only know four lines! Ah, I can't believe I'm correcting your knowledge of fairy tales.

Reponzelle

Rapunzel. It's German, so it's spelled a bit odd.

"Alice in wonder-land?"

Alice in Wonderland. Also, I wonder if you might want to italicise some of these. It depends on whether you mean to be mentioning the character or the book's title, I suppose, so it's up to you.

I think you need to capitalise 'dad' when it's used as a name. For example:

"What should it be about, Dad?"

My dad contemplated the question.

I stumbled out of my covers.

'stumbled' suggests that you are on foot. I know what you mean, but it's the wrong word here. How about, "I kicked away the covers" or something? You need another word.

You do switch tense a little bit, but I think that's okay during the dialogue, especially when it's a child talking. I think you need to establish that a little more clearly: at the beginning, the relationship between child and adult is made very clear and it's brilliant reading, but when we come to the big chunky blocks of dialogue you start to slip into more of an adult voice.

he was already taken prisoner a while back over an issue with the witch's pet dragon.

That was the best example I could find of an almost adult phrase that seemed out of character. Personally, I don't like big chunks of dialogue at all, because it almost always wavers at some point. If you can split it up, as you do at the beginning with Dad's interjections, that's better. Maybe it did happen like that, but it seems odd to read after a sharp conversation. It sort of slows the pace to a bit of a standstill. It still reads pretty well, but I'm not sure if it's the best way you could have written it.

Hopefully you'll get some more advice. On the whole, this was hugely enjoyable to read.

Well, I think jetpack got most of the mistakes.

Sorry, but I had to reread that sentence a few times.

'Thank you for all your help,' told her the prince, and Eve smiled and said he was welcomed

1. doesn't make sense
2. I don't think told is the right word, because he's expecting her to answer.
Oh and also welcome instead of welcomed.

Well, I like it. It's so outside what you normally write, yet comfortable in your style. You've got a good chance at the contest with this as well.
I like the fact that even outside the story it is written as a fairy tale, angelic and sweet. I only remember one bedtime story I was told by my parents, and that circled around father christmas being made up by a bunch of drunks at the pub. The innocence in the whole story fits so well with the once upon a time theme and is also quite light and humorous.
Good balance.
Nothing bad I can really say so :star:

Maddy

Oh my gosh! That was incredibly cute and sweet. I liked it because it's like a perfect example of what all little girls and stuff are like when they are young. If they want a story, they want it! Lol it was very intersting. I was like smiling the whole time reading it haha. Anywho, glad you asked me for they review I enjoyed reading this. Ttyl! xx

Hi,
I'm also hopefully entering the contest. (My story might be too long):smt010
I enjoyed reading your story immensely. It's cool that it's actually a personal experience.
I only found one other thing that seemed off

'You need to be quiet!' scolded her a girl who was

I'm not sure what you meant. Other that that it was great.
~Zanna