The Consequences of Betrayal

These betraying fingers,
They trace around your heart,
And make you fall in love,
With a person,
I don't want to be.

Our silence echoes in the darkness,
We dare not speak the truth,
Instead we choose to lie,
And we do,
Lie in a heartbeat.

We are hot and
We are cold,
You are hot for me,
I am cold for you,
We are a paradox,
Of ourselves.

My heart is heavy,
With the burden of regret,
Regret for the things I've done,
That you will never know,
And regret, for the way I am,
Yet hate to be.

And In the morning,
Your bear like hands cause comfort,
To my fragile frame,
And when the sun rises,
We shall go on as always,
You and your love,
And me and my shame.

Hello,

Very powerful ending:

"We shall go on as always,
You and your love,
And me and my shame."

The first stanza is unclear. I believe I understood it correctly, but it took enough effort for it cause the flow of the poem to stumble, instead of challenge.

Clever imagery and double meanings in the second stanza.

I believe the last two lines in the third stanza could be re-worded for better effect.

Fifth line in the fourth stanza does not need the first coma:

"My heart is heavy,
With the burden of regret,
Regret for the things I've done,
That you will never know,
And regret, for the way I am,
Yet hate to be."

In the final stanza, first line, why is the word in capitalized?

Just leaving some open ended things I felt should be pointed out.
Keep writing.

-M.

I really enjoyed this piece of poetry. I think a lot of people could relate to it. I liked the non-rhyming scheme of it all. I've tried and searched all over your poem to find something that can be betterly changed, and FINALLY!!! I found it (kinda) *Or maybe I'm just being paranoid?*

And regret, for the way I am,

Yet hate to be.

I think it would sound better if it was "for who I am". I don't know, it just sounds more powerful and emotional. IF you don't think so, that's chill, I'm merely stating my opinion.

Anyways, good poetry, paperdollx

hey paperdollx this is dogs here

I really really enjoyed reading your poem it sounds great and it has a very strong ending my favorite stanza is the is the second stanza. your poem dosn't need too much work

in the first stanza it dosn't flow so well. and in the last line of the first stanza you say "I don't want to be" do you mean I don't want to be with??? the first line is a great opening and it got me very intrested.

The second stanza was by far the best and my favorite. i have no suggestions for the second stanza.

The third stanza sounds great but don't you mean that you are too hot for me and i am too cold for you??I like the paradox part however

The fourth stanza is my second favorite. it is very powerful. except on the last line of the fourth stanza I think that it would sound better if you say "that I hate to be" instead of "yet hate to be"

On the fifth stanza was absolutly great and i think that it is a very fitting ending =D



TuckEr EllsworTh

This is probably the first poem I'v seen on this site with real potential... it flows well... has that "gut emotional appeal" everyone is drawn to... "shows", dosn't "tell"... has a great opening and ending... overall, an excellent piece. Its dramatic and interesting, and dosn't seem to have any errors as far as I can tell. The only thing I would change would be "bear like hands," thats a bit cheesy if you ask me. The rest of its amazing... thanks for sharing your talent!

Sincerely,
Mr. Rune

Wow, I like this!

I think this is the weakest stanza:



My heart is heavy,

With the burden of regret,

Regret for the things I've done,

That you will never know,

And regret, for the way I am,

Yet hate to be.


I think you could say this in a smarter or more interesting way, the "heavy heart" metaphor is quite common and you could spice it up a bit by using some interesting language- maybe think of things that are heavy and incorporate that in? I think something like "my anvil-heart drags me down" would work better, because we already know that it is regret that makes someones heart feel heavy- the "burden of regret" part is kind of unnecessary.

However, I love the last stanza!

I love the idea of bear like hands "causing" comfort, that word choice is perfect, and really poignant.


Oh and one last thing! I think you could be a little more concise in the second stanza with:

Instead we choose to lie,

And we do,

Lie in a heartbeat.


You could shorten this to something like "Instead our choice is to lie, in a heartbeat", you don't need to repeat the word "lie" to get your point across effectively (=


anyway this was really enjoyable to read ^_^ I'll keep an eye out to see if you do any redrafting, i'd be interested to see.

Hi!
I liked your poem.

The first stanza though could get better. Mandorelute is right. It isn't clear enough.

I must say that the second and the fourth stanza are beautifully written.

I didn't get the third stanza that well. I think you can improve it and make it a bit clear.

The most well-put lines are the last two lines. They definitely add beauty to the whole poem.

Keep writing!

That was very potent how you made the words rise with a force then blow away as it were a feather. Swaying with potential, though a couple lines were fuzzy. The best part was the end extremely powerful. [/quote]"and in the morning, your bear like hands cause comfort, to my fragile frame, and when the sun rises, we will go on like always, you and your love, and me and my shame."
You should just continue with your current writing, until you feel your work has gotten kind of stale then you should mix it up. If you lose your muse you should go out and figure out what makes your heart beat, makes you sweat, and what makes those magical words pop into your head like popcorn
keep up with the good writing.

Hi paperdollx,

paperdollx wrote:These betraying fingers,
They trace around your heart,
And make you fall in love,
With a person,
I don't want to be.

Not only is this first part completely devoid of any type of imagery, the content (or, at least the way of presenting it) is in a bare-bones, whining voice that doesn't echo anything to the reader other than the fact you're feeling vaguely "sad" or "regretful" about something.

Betraying fingers? What makes them betraying? Obviously there is something about the concept of betrayal that can manifest itself as the fingers of an outstretched hand or you wouldn't have paired those words together. Show the reader what you mean instead of just putting together two unlike things and leaving it without any other description.

The line breaks are poorly formatted. What is your reasoning for them? They seem to have been drawn randomly, such as the division between the fourth and fifth line. They ruin the flow as well, so consider merging some of them. Read it aloud and go from there.

Our silence echoes in the darkness,
We dare not speak the truth,
Instead we choose to lie,
And we do,
Lie in a heartbeat.

Pointless fluff that doesn't show - or tell - anything extra. The last four lines can be summed up in "We do not speak the truth, but lie too quickly". That's it. And yet you've managed to drag it across the ground, creating phrases and lines that should have never been. Change those any way you see fit; right now, anything is better than what you have.

Also, first you say that the silence echoes and then you talk of lying all the time. What do those two have to do with each other? Don't get me wrong - there are possibilities in which they connect, but prove that you know what you're talking about and elaborate poetically.

We are hot and
We are cold,
You are hot for me,
I am cold for you,
We are a paradox,
Of ourselves.

My heart is heavy,
With the burden of regret,
Regret for the things I've done,
That you will never know,
And regret, for the way I am,
Yet hate to be.

And In the morning,
Your bear like hands cause comfort,
To my fragile frame,
And when the sun rises,
We shall go on as always,
You and your love,
And me and my shame.

Blah blah blah. The rest of this is as unfocused and foggy as words splashed across a paper with no foundations to hold them together. Think of this like an inverted skeleton - the flesh and the organs are there, but the skeleton is missing. It sags because there's no sturdy interior to latch on to. Why the disparity between love and shame? What's so important about this "regret" you mention that you have to repeat yourself several times? Clearly it must be important, but the only thing you ever tell us is that you feel...regretful. There needs to be more. Show the reader more by clarifying the intent behind this piece.

Hope that helped,
Galerius