Uncured

Beep-beep-beep. It never ended, the continuous throb, the sound that signaled my heart was still alive. I could hear it. Every once and a while when the mist inside my head cleared and consciousness neared my soul, I could hear it. Beep-beep-beep. But to me it was of no assurance in the least. It was a warning that I still remained trapped in this world of the undead.
I had seen no one clearly in this shadowy glen within the heart of this forest I had been trapped in for the last months of my life. I would see someone pass so near me I could almost touch them, but I would shrink away, huddled beneath the low branches of the tree that had become my sanctuary.
The doctor’s didn’t know what had caused my coma. The fact was that no one knew what had caused it. No one but me. I knew exactly why I couldn’t wake from this sleepless life inside a world that did not exist except in my mind. Anything that happened here, was because I had made it so. No one was allowed in but myself and those whom I had created. It was my world to control and to condemn.
I had met him only four months ago and I had told no one. They would have installed me in a mental community and I would have died. He had been waiting beside the front gate when I had at last finished my arduous journey home from school.
“Hullo.” Lifting a single hand his warm smile sent a thrill through my body and it had taken all my mental capacity not to stand there dumb struck. “I’m new around these parts, Amy. Your mother said you might like to show me around town. How ‘bout it?” I at last gathered my sanity and shook my head. What did I look like? A walking tour guide?
“No thank you.” I’d replied tartly, trying to hide my embarrassment as I’d stepped past him into our yard without a second glance back. I cursed myself for not getting his name but knew it was too late for regrets. I was sure I’d never see him again.
But it was as if this young man had dislodged a kink in my system that had been blocking a whole other part of me and I had just woken up from a long and eternal sleep. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. And that was when it has started. I kept seeing him when he wasn’t really there.
He’d be in mirrors’, watching me knowingly as I put on my make-up or brushed my teeth. I’d catch glances of him as I’d round corners, he’d be there smiling warmly then vanish. For the first few weeks my newly awoken emotions couldn’t handle it and I was sure he was stalking me. But as time passed I realized he wasn’t even there; it was merely my mind playing tricks.
Soon this apparition became more and more daring. Braving a word with me, stroking my hair, opening gates for me. I was swept off my feet at the mans chivalry and despite me convincing myself it was all a dream I couldn’t believe it. To me this young man was as real and alive as my other friends and family.
The matter became more complicated when my brother became the young mans best friend at school and soon he began to be a regular visitor at our house. I couldn’t for the life of me tell the difference between the man only I could see and my brothers new friend. I was always weary to reply to him, wondering if I would just be speaking to an empty chair or a blank wall. It was risky business at best. The only good thing that came of it was that I learned his name. Ryan.
As time wore on I became more delusional. Ryan walked my every dream and most of my day as well. He was a constant friend at my side, always there for me. He was too a constant reminder that I was going crazy, and yet I loved every minute I spent with him, wether it was real or not. To me, every single second was as real as the next.
But from the first day I had met the real Ryan, something had been happening to me. I had been falling in love with him. I had never loved anyone in all my eighteen years and somehow it had welled up inside of me, building force, waiting to explode. The new phenomenon was as exciting as it was toxic. I could tell that somehow this new feeling was too overwhelming for my body and it was overpowering it, killing me. In an attempt to save itself, my mind had created Ryan, a dummy to hopefully cure me. But somehow it wasn’t working. Though I was in love with the person walking my mind, the real Ryan was not in love with me and so I was dying . . . uncured.
I had began to feel weaker and weaker, staying home from school to sleep where I could be with Ryan in our secret world. Where I could be myself and no one would care. For even if the Ryan in real life would have rejected me, the one in my head never would. For I had created him and he could do nothing to oppose me. And then one day, I had simply drifted off to sleep and never woken up.
I had waited beside my tree, waited for Ryan to come and talk with me, reassure me everything would be all right. That these feelings I was feeling would dissipate and I would be healed. But for some reason, despite me calling to him as hard as I could with my mind, Ryan had refused to come. And so I had sat here all alone. Watching the mist swirl around me, listening to the interrupting noise of the heart monitor, wondering if I would ever wake up. Wondering if I even wanted to wake up.
“Amy.” My head shot up and I stared at the blond haired boy as he smiled down at me, holding the tree’s low branches at bay.
“Ryan! Where have you been?” I rose to my feet and stared at him in awe, the mist coating his body like a cloak.
“I have always been here, Amy. You just haven’t wanted to see me.” He replied sadly, his tone carrying an underlying note of anguish. I shook my head, pleading with him to tell me the truth.
“No . . . I love you, Ryan. I want you with me always.” It was Ryan’s turn to shake his head.
“Amy, it’s been long enough. You need to choose whom you really love. Me. . .or him.” I blinked and found I was standing beside a bed with a curtain circling it. I looked into the bed and found my own body laying there. Somehow I looked different than what I remembered myself looking before I had fallen into a coma. I was surprised to see Ryan sitting beside the bed, his head lain against the sheets and his arms stretched out before him. He was sleeping.
Ryan stood beside me, watching me closely. “You need to choose, Amy. Time is wearing thin.”
I looked back to the other Ryan. “He doesn’t love me like you do, Ryan, but on the other hand he’s real and you aren’t.” Ryan smiled bitterly beside me.
“What is reality, Amy? To you I am perfectly real. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. As long as you see me and know I love you that’s all that matters.” I scowled as I held Ryan’s penetrating blue gaze.
“You’re only saying that because you know that is what I want to hear . . . you’re not real.” Just then the steady beeping which had haunted me for the past five weeks stopped and a loud blaring filled the room. I stared at Ryan as I realized I couldn’t breathe. He was staring down at me sadly.
“Choose.” He mouthed, watching me struggle for breath that wouldn’t come. My mind raced. If I chose the Ryan that loved me I would be haunted by my delusional mind for the rest of my probably short life in a coma. If I chose the sleeping Ryan the monitor would continue to scream and I would die. The truth was that Ryan didn’t love me. He didn’t have the love that would save me. I would die; uncured. I could hardly think now.
Ryan had woken from the monitors and through blurry vision I saw nurses and perhaps a doctor rushing to my side.
“I love you, Ryan.” It was the last thing I said as everything went black and I could no longer hear anything. I had chosen my fate to die unloved. My disease ridden body passing into oblivion. But at least I died knowing that I had loved something other than an illusion in my head; I had truly loved the real Ryan all along.
A bright light filled my vision as my eyes slowly flickered open. I knew I was dead because I saw Ryan there, tears falling from his eyes as he held me. All I could hear was “I love you, Amy, I love you too.” Ryan didn’t love me, only in my mind.
But despite my theory I was shocked to find I was wrong. I was alive and I had woken from my coma at last. But none of that mattered. The only thing in the world that mattered to me right then was that Ryan had saved me, all along he had loved me and I had been too blind, too caught up in my own imagination to see the truth. Ryan had done the impossible and I was at last; cured.

That was really awesome!! I love the way you included the title into the story, I just seem to have a thing for stories that do that. I dono. But that was really, really good.

Hey Dakota! IF you remember, a long time ago you requested a critique on your Wyndolyn peice from me. I've recently checked, and you've already recieved a good number of reviews, so I thought I'd take a look at another piece of yours instead. ^_^

That being said, you need to get some reviews done before posting anything else. You've posted six works and have only eight reviews, so you need another four to reach the 2:1 ratio. Alright?

and consciousness neared my soul, I could hear it.

I'm sorry, but this line is overwhelmingly melodramatic and slightly cheesy. In prose, steer clear of mentioning your MC's soul. It almost alwasy comes out sounding theatrical, which you don't want.

The fact was that no one knew what had caused it. No one but me that was.

a.) Although it may seem strange, you can keep the last two words 'that is'. Imagine you're MC is writing this story in the present, about something that happened in the past. While everything else (the action, the dialogue, the emotions) would be in past tense, you can leave the "author's" notes in the present. That doesn't make sense, I know. >_>

b.) Comma after 'No one but me'.

It was my world to control and to condemn.

I had met him only four months ago and I had told no one. They would have installed me in a mental community and I would have died. He had been waiting beside the front gate when I had at last finished my arduous journey home from school.

With the transition between these two sentences, I thought she was talking about a guy she meant in her coma-world, the one you were explaining in the paragraph before. But now I realize you've switched from sitting in the hospital bed, with a beeping heart monitor, to a scene before the coma. Make that transition clearer.

Lifting a single hand [comma] his warm smile sent a thrill through my body

You might want ot read your stories aloud and insert some more commas wherever you pause. Right now you're missing a lot of them.

Alright, what I don't get is why she turned the mysterious stranger down. You mention her feeling a thrill in her body, thinking about him constantly-- what made her reject his offer in the first place? It doesn't really make sense, becuase you explained no undesirable qualities. Maybe mention how something about his smile was almost predatory, or how a gleam in his eyes made her shiver from a sudden cold. Otherwise, her refusal doesn't make sense.

I’d catch glances of him as I’d round corners, he’d be there smiling warmly then vanish.

That comma should be a semi-colon. If you need to brush up on the difference, there are a couple of articles on semi-colons in the Knowledge Base.

I was swept off my feet at the [s]mans[/s] [man's] chivalry and [comma] despite me convincing myself it was all a dream [comma] I couldn’t believe it.

Again, punctuation. ^^ It's hard stuff, eh? And watch for typos, too-- even the best stories can be ruined if they're splattered with careless mistakes. Spell-check is your friend! xD

Plot-wise

So! All in all, this was well written, I think, although the narrative was a bit stilted. Does that make sense? She spoke (or wrote, I suppose) as if she was from an earlier time, a time of enunciation and articulation and words like 'sanctuary' used in everyday language. But, that's okay. It wasn't your biggest problem.

I think the main issue here was that you told it like a fairytale, all in bedtime-story mode. There was very little real time action, which wouldn't have been hard to include-- someone moving in a nearby hospital bed, it starting to rain in her imaginary forest. You develop two realities that she's present in, but you explore neither of them in the actual story. Instead, you're telling us everything that happened before this scene-- when she first met him, when her borther befriended him, when she slowly got sicker snd sicker. Do you see what I'm saying? You set up two scenes (the hospital room and under the tree waiting for Ryan) but you end up using neither of them, and instead tell a story that happened a while before. Try relating the scene more to what's happening now-- she's dying in her two worlds.

Also, why is she dying in the first palce? She's going crazy, okay; but that doesn't physically kill people, unless they stab themselves or run themselves off of cliffs or something. Do you see what I mean here, as well? Her illness is never really explained.

Lastly, the end paragraph seemed a bit rushed. The whole story she's doomed to death-- and then, suddenly, just like that, everything's happily ever after again? Try to build up that sudden realization that no, she's not dead a bit more. Take time to explore that train of thought.

So, really, I think this has oodles and oodles of potential, and a great plot idea. But just be sure to tie ends together and explain what needs to be explained! ^^ Good job, and good luck.

PM me for anything!

~Evi