Hello there! and welcome to the Young Writers Society. I can tell you're new because you haven't written any reviews. How you checked out the Welcome Forum, or read the rules? We suggest everyone review two things before they post anything. It's okay, you're new, so maybe you didn't see the rule anywhere. But I'd advise you go review something now, before it gets too late! A lot of people will harass you about this. If you review other people's work, they'll tend to review yours as well!
The first thing I noticed about this poem is that there was no title. Believe it or not, but a title can be one of the most important parts of your poem. A title pulls everything together and gives the reader a hint at what they're reading. Your thread title "short poem about a broken heart?" tells us what we'll be reading, but it's not exactly a good poem title.
I also noticed you just use lots of commas, commas, commas, and no periods! Poetry requires proper punctuation and grammar. Just because it's in verse doesn't mean it's not a sentence! If you aren't sure how to punctuate regularly, just look up some basic punctuation/comma rules on google. It will help out immensely!
In the poem you talk about the sorrow and love, how she cries for this pain, but we never get told what happened. I don't know who she is, who she loved, and why he doesn't love her anymore. Or why she doesn't love him anymore...or how he died. Or whatever the heck happened, the point is, I don't know what happened. Since I don't know what happened, I don't know why she's crying. Therefore, it's very hard for me to care about her problems. Even if her heart is broken, you can't just say, "Her heart is broken and now she's sad," you have to give your reader a reason to care. Why not show us more? Instead of just telling us what she is, explain the situation in a lively matter, recreate the worst scenes, and use vivid language to express her emotions. Don't just says he cried, said something like "the tears that fell from her eyes weighed down her soul like an anchor to a ship." It's a really bad example, but you get the point, right? Show, express, paint a picture! But don't tell.
Also, if you're a beginner poet, here's the best advice I can give you: read poetry! Go to your local library and pull some books off the shelf, spend a few days immersed in it. That will do more for you, in the beginning, than writing a 1,000 poems will because until you know what poetry is, you can never recreate it.
Best of luck! And welcome to The Society again!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
But I'd advise you go review something now, before it gets too late! A lot of people will harass you about this. If you review other people's work, they'll tend to review yours as well!
