Never like a fairytale (edit two)

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Love sucks. It’s not real and it sucks. Learn this now. I did.
As bad as we want it love isn't all its cracked up to be. It is what it is. Almost impossible to achieve yet if you do achieve it, it will be even harder to keep. Love is what makes peoples’ lives so miserable. Of course there are people who don't believe me. It seems to me that people want more than anything to take a chance and risk getting hurt. My belief in love is reasonable. I believe love is just some myth.
My father left my mother and me when I was four. I came down stairs to find my mother at our granite counter top crying over a note and chocolate frosting. I stared at her. She looked up, and said in a choppy voice, “Baby, I am so sorry.” I walked over to her and asked where my daddy was. She told me what would change my life forever. This is when I stopped believing in love. And started become one with romance.
My mother thinks I am crazy. I think that she is right, but I also think she is crazy to. I mean, what woman in her right mind would get her hair pixie cut and die it pink? What woman would where neon green miniskirts and skintight T-shirts with Hot pink six inch platform healed boots? Answer, my mother, and she calls me crazy.
I on the other hand where modest clothes. White blouses with a skirt or the occasional jeans. My curly golden blond hair is always up. I know that I don't dress my age, but neither does my mother.
My mother owns a bookstore. It’s the kind that has worn out chairs and music playing in the background. It’s the kind of place where you can spend the whole day sitting on one of the many couches and getting lost in the book of your choosing. She also sells movies and music. My mom refuses to accept my opinion about love. She has dated more then twenty different guys in half a year. She is always telling me to get a boyfriend. Yeah, she is that kind of mother.
I was sitting in the quad when he asked me out. Lunch time for me was alone time. He sat down next to me and stayed quiet. I continued to eat my egg salad sandwich. When I was done I broke the silence that had fallen over us. “Hi.” I swallowed. “Can I help you with something?” I said. He smiled. His perfectly white teeth almost blinded me. “Yes. Go out with me.” I had been chewing on some of my brownie I had packed for dessert when he asked me. I started to choke, coughing violently. He pounded his hand on my back. Once we got my airways cleared I answered him. “Yes”
Tomas is the "golden boy". Mr. Perfect. That is why I was in love with him, or rather who he was. I had come to believe that every guy has a weakness; something that could turn a girl away with the blink of an eye. So when Tomas asked me out that day I said yes, just to find out his weakness.
My mom liked Tomas. I eventually had grown to like him too. My mother liked that he got me to loosen up. I wore my hair down and he even bought me tops that showed some skin. I liked the new me. He liked it too.
There were times that I believed he had no weakness. Times when I thought he was a God. Most of these times were when he and I were kissing. He was a great kisser. I knew he had tons of experience from the rumors that filtered around daily at school. I never got bored making out with him. He chose the most romantic and exotic places for our dates. My favorite was when he took me to the school. No one was there and he found the place where he had first asked me out. I loved the fact that he would buy me presents. I began to realize I was falling in love. That was when I remembered what I had said yes for. I got busy, looking for his weakness
I couldn't find it. Tomas has no weaknesses. He really is Mr. Perfect. I continue to try to find it. I was about to give up all hope when he finally told me what his krypton was. ME.
"I love you." was the first thing he said to me on a gloomy Monday morning. He was driving me to school. I hopped into his truck. He said this as he buckled me in. When he said that it made me think. Do I love him? No. Love isn't real. A myth, a fantasy. That is why I shocked myself by saying I love you too.
He looked at me. I could tell that he had heard the rumors. The rumors that I didn't believe in love. I stared back into his blue eyes. His beautiful blue eyes. "Shut up." I think. "Shut up. Remember, the only reason you went out with him is to find out his weakness." I try to remind myself. "Well, I didn't expect to hear that." He said as he parked his car. I began to laugh. "I didn't expect myself to say it." Then I kissed him. This kiss made me really believe in love, and gave me my first glimpse that maybe, just maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is something called love. I just hadn't seen it in a while
Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing. -- Benjamin Franklin




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Ah what a cute story. I really liked how you described the mom and the daughter. They seem to be extreme opposites of each other and I really liked that. I would really like to learn more about Tomas but since this is only the first chapter of a story (I think ?) that will come for sure.
Oh, I also liked how you wrote the chapter. It had this kind of sober feeling to it, like really down to earth :]

Ok so, I only found one typo.
I had been chewing on some of my brownie that I had packed for dessert when he asked me.


You forgot the word that.

Can't wait for the next chapter, if there is one xD




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Hey there! Just call me Mars and I will be your reviewer today! :)

Okay, first off I liked your story. I mean I really liked it. It was cute and as Certainromances said, down to earth. I really love the last paragraph, that's what really does it for me.

Anywho. You had a few mistakes here and there. A forgotten comma, an out of place period. Things like that are easy enough to catch if you just read through your story looking for them. I know, I know, how fun right? :roll:

I have to agree with Certainromances once again, I believed in both of the mother and daughter characters but I thought that perhaps you might get a tad more in-depth with them and Tomas since they really are your only three characters. Just a little detail stuck here and a another one stuff there. Nothing too heavy or it will feel out of place in your short story.

Alrighty, I think that's all. So I shall once again how much I enjoyed your story! :D
And of course, Good Job and Happy Writing!
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




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Thank you.this is very helpful I am not going to make another edited verson I will just post the second chapter. Again thank you!
Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing. -- Benjamin Franklin




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Hey aouther! Have we met? Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella...

I. NITPICKS

It’s not real and it sucks.


If it's not real, how can it suck?

Almost impossible to achieve yet if you do achieve it,


I think "and" will be better than "yet"...

And started become one with romance.


That doesn't make sense?

is crazy to.


too...

and die it pink?


dye...

with Hot pink six inch platform healed boots?


Why the capital "h"? Also, heeled.

I on the other hand where modest clothes.


wear.
He smiled. His perfectly white teeth almost blinded me.


Start a new paragraph before "He smiled."

I had been chewing on some of my brownie


And before "I" here...

That is why I shocked myself by saying I love you too.


"I love you too" should be in speech marks.

II. MR. PERFECT?

Mr. Perfect makes me sick to my stomach because believe it or not, there is no such person. If you like Edward Cullen, you should understand I hate him.

Let's look, instead, at the world's most famous heartthrob: Mr. Darcy. Now, I don't particularly like him either, but that's just taste. He's not bad, I'm just not so in love with him as some people.

Mr. Darcy is handsome and rich. He is also snobbish and proud, and that really doesn't make him a very nice person. That, naturally, would be his fault, his weakness, and not Elizabeth Bennett, she is simply his downfall.

The world loves Mr. Darcy because he's quite close to perfect, in the end. But he isn't, and that's the point. All that pride, all that looking down on Lizzie... the book is called "Pride and Prejudice" for a reason. Pride is his greatest fault, while Prejudice is hers, and yet they are still considered one of the best couples in literary history.

So Mr. Perfect? Is he human? Is he real? What music does he listen to? What's his favourite colour? Mr. Perfect can't be real, and if you describe a character as such, it leaves very little room for development, so get rid of the idea right now... perhaps instead, she loves him despite his faults, just like Elizabeth did?

III. OVERALL

I felt like this could use a lot more development, of Tomas especially. I liked the mother, and the daughter was so-so, but he desperately needs work... it's a clichéed story, but I think you realise that...

Work on it and it'll be good- it's cute too!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything,

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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I really like this story! I have some suggestions though, not many.

"Shut up." I think. "Shut up. Remember, the only reason you went out with him is to find out his weakness." I try to remind myself.


I really think it should be itaclized. She's thinking to herself, right? Or if that's how you want to leave it, whatever floats your boat.

That's really about all I have to say, I can't wait to read the second chapter!
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean




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This is how a story should be told.....keeping the reader's interest all the time.

Great work.Hope to see some something as good or better than this sometime later.
Too bad we don't live to experinece death



I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction.
— Silvern