Losing All I Had. Plz revise for me!!

Laying here on the ground, cold, in pain, alone, and surrounded by his dead friends, but still I couldn’t get her out of my mind. My one love I was forced to leave when the draft was passed around and I was chosen. Lucky me… I had it all. A great house, successful career, a great girlfriend, there was nothing I didn’t have. I just took it all for granted till I got the notification. When I got drafted and token away from it all. The picture of my wife crying kicking screaming trying to stop me from going was still fresh in my mind. I lost a lot that I took for granted, but there was one thing I missed the most. My love…. Savanah… I missed her dearly.
I started crying. Not crying for pain, but crying that I may not be able to see her again. Not being able to say good bye before I left. Not being able to give her that one last sweet gentle kiss. My body started numbing. I started to feel nothing.
Bombs were exploding all around. Smoke filled the air. My breathing starting to tighten up. I felt myself drifting away.
I snapped back. I couldn’t let myself be taken form this life without a fight.
An explosion erupted close by me. I heard voices off in the distance. I knew it wasn’t going to be a friend running through that smoke for me. Any second I could die.
I laid there struggling to keep conscious. I remembered all the little moments that had seemed so little but now I yearned so much for.
I flashbacked. I could see it as if it was all happening. Savanah standing by me as I lay in my bed. Her little sweet smile and beautiful eyes. Her handing me a tray of food that she made as I lay asleep. Another memory arose. Them laying there under the stars, in the grass, with the warm breeze blowing across their skin, Them just laying there looking into each others eyes knowing what the other was thinking, not having a care in the world.
I snapped back to the coldness and seen a few shadows running through the smoke. I raised my rifle at them. There were two shadows. They both flew out of the smoke screaming something in a foreign language. I shot a few shots at the first. Then aimed at the next and shot even more. They both fell to the ground.
The flashbacks all flying back to him once more. Savanah and I standing outside her house holding each other crying from all the unfortunate things that have been happening and I whispered in her ear,”Everything will be fine. I promise ill never leave you, ill do all I can for you. Ill never hurt you. Savanah….” I pushed her out a little but kept her close and looked in your tear filled eyes and said “I love you”. They both just stood there holding each other crying.
Flashbacks of all the hardships they had gone through, all the pains they’ve shared, all they have promised to each other. I suddenly felt sad. I had broken my promise to her. I left her here. I just laid there crying even more. I started reaching for my vest pocket for her picture. I just wanted to see her someway one last time.
My muscles were screaming. I had no strength left in my body. Still I fought and struggled taking her picture out.
I stared at it smiling. Seeing her face again. Her smile…
Suddenly there was a surge of anger through my body. Anger towards those who took it all away from me. Anger towards these monsters out here fighting us. Anger at life for being so cruel as to leave me in this situation hurting, cold, and dying alone.
Another shadow arose from the smoke. With my iron will to live, I lifted my rifle and shot at the shadow.
Then I looked all around me. I had seen the bodies of all my friends laying everywhere, in their own quiet peaceful place now. Life was cruel enough to let me be the only survivor from the explosion.
I had to make it out of here. Nothing out here will stop me from seeing her one more time.
As I laid there, a thought came to me again. A thought I haven’t felt in so long. I laid there and look to the skies, through the smoke, and started praying. I prayed,” Oh God, please. I have started taking all you have given me for granted. Please guide me out of here and I will change my ways. If you bring me back to her I will never take anything for granted from her. I will do all the good I can for her and everything else.”
With tears still flowing down my cheeks, I dug my rifle into the ground and started lifting myself up off the ground. Pain was shot through my whole body fragments from the bomb still digging even deeper into parts of my body. I fought and fought to rise off the ground.
I rose and started making my way back to my base, only blocks away from where I stood, when another horrendous explosion lifted me into the air and thrown straight into the side of a building. I felt as if my leg was blown off. I looked down on my body and seen a big dripping wound on my upper thigh.
Something was shinning amongst my tattered leg. I reached down and pulled out a circular object.
Covered in dust and blood, I wiped off the object and seen it was a ring. It was the ring I had bought for Savanah, the ring that I was going to propose to her with. I couldn’t afford too much. It had some diamonds on it but was a little dinky. I kept it at all times, for an inspiration on why i had to make it out of here alive
The ring had a piece of metal sticking through it. I could see the engraving etched in on the inner part of the ring. It read,”Nothing can take me from you.” A sharp gain shot in my heart. It wasn’t a physical pain, but the pain of emptiness. As if I was going to lose something I had loved. Which I was.
Then I thought to myself. This must be a sign. I won’t die here. I’ll return back home to my love. This isn’t the end, not just yet.
Five shadows emerged from the smoke of the last explosion. I pulled my pistol out of the holster and started shooting. They fired back and hit me.
The feeling came over me again. The feeling of drifting away. I tried to shake it off but it stayed constant. I fired one more time and my arm lost strength.
The shadows all came down upon me standing over me aiming their weapons at him.
Then it started raining down upon them no where else. A rain that pierced them and forced them to the ground. The smoke was being dragged away from around me. I looked up and seen a glorious white shroud coming down pushing the smoke away. It landed just a few feet away from me. Smaller white shrouds the shape of men emerged from the bigger shroud. They surrounded me and shot at the shadows. One of them came down to my face and said,” don’t worry. We’ll get you out of here. Your going to be ok.” Suddenly everything started fading away and went black. I laying there holding onto her picture and ring.

Three days later…

My eyes started parting open. There was a bright light in front of me. Surrounded by people I knew. Well people I once knew till they died. They all looked at me calmly smiling at me. Then there was a voice coming from no where but all around me that rang in my ears, “It’s not your time yet. You still have things to do in life.”
Then it all phased away and my eyes opened once more with a bright light above me and I was in a white room. Everything was hazy. I took in a deep breath.
Then a worried voice erupted next to me,” Oh my gosh!” there was sobbing. The voice I had recognized. “I thought I had lost you!” Everything started coming back to me and everything didn’t look so hazy. I looked towards the voice and seen who it was. It was Savanah.
My head was still wobbling around,” Am I dead?
“No, no your not. They said you died and they brought you back. The whole time you were saying my name.”
I got a good look at her face. It had deep circles under her eyes and tears still coming down her delicate cheeks. Behind her there was a chair with a blanket on it. I reached towards her cheek and wiped the tears away and said,” Savanah… Remember I promised you…. Nothing will ever take me away from you.”
She started crying again and latched onto me. I jumped a little in pain and she jumped back and said sorry in her cute voice.
The doctor came into the room looking at a chart. When he looked up he seen them together,” oh. You’re finally awake. You gave us all a scare.” He looked over him a bit and spoke once more,” Well it looks like your leg was injured badly and you wont be able to do much with it for a while. Looks like you get to go home.”
I teared up again,” finally”
After staying a few days at the hospital and then getting checked out. Savanah and I were in the car on our way home.
In the passenger seat laying in the reclined chair, I started talking ,”you know when I was out there I always thought that when your about to die your whole life flashed before your eyes, but when I was close to dying all that was in my head was you.”
“oh?” she said concentrating on the road.
“Then I started thinking about it. I realized something that I have known all along.”
“And what is that?”
“That you are my whole life.”
When I said that she smiled and teared up a little and reached her hand over and grabbed mine. ”you are mine too.”

For the next two months I had to go to physical therapy and I started to see all the little things she was doing for me. I see what I have always token for granted but now I can repay her and thank her and treat her how she should have been treated all along.

Its Christmas time and we were going to her old house with both of our families waiting for us to join them. We were going up the drive way. She helping me. When we made it to the top I stopped her. She asked,”what’s wrong?”
I pulled her to the side and said,” This is where me and you stood when we were little and things looked so bleak. This is where I promised you everything and I said I love you. Remember?”
“Yes, of course I do.”
“Well, I thought it would be a great Christmas present if we came here and I told you that I love you again and that you are my whole life and add a little surprise into it.”
“Oh what is that?”
I dropped down to my knee slowly, biting my lip. She seen this and knew what I was going to do. She started crying. I pulled out the ring that I had bought for her before being drafted and said “Savanah Hunziker… we’ve been through so much and we knew well never leave each other no matter what. Well always love each other. So I ask you here and now with your family as witnesses… will you marry me?”
She dropped down to me and slide her finger into the ring and said “Yes.” Crying “OF course I will. I love you so much.” She cried even more smiling. “What do you mean with my family as witnesses? No ones out here.”
I pointed towards her window that was right next to us. All the curtains were now open and all of our family was standing there cheering. She just stood there smiling crying. I got up and turned her face to me. “Nothing can take me from you.” Then I kissed her and held her.

Dear Hopefulromantic,

So this had a good storyline but some things could be tweaked.

Laying here on the ground, cold, in pain, alone, and surrounded by his dead friend, but still I couldn’t get her out of my mind.

First, there's a perspective change. It goes from first person to third, that's a little confusing. Second, I think the sentence would work better if you put dead friends.

A great house, successful career, a great wife, there was nothing I didn’t have.

From how I read it, I thought they weren't married until the end of the story?

I remembered all the little moments that had seemed so little but now he yearned so much for.

Perspective change.

Covered in dust and blood, I wiped off the object and seen it was a ring.

Why is the ring with him during combat?

When he said that she smiled and teared up a little and reached her hand over and grabbed mine. ”you are mine too.”

Capitalize "you"


Okay so the main problem I found was the perspective change. I found quite a few throughout your story and I found that it made the story hard to understand. If it was purposefully done... sorry!It could be done just indicate that his new wife is also speaking. There were a lot of fragments also. Usually writers use fragments to make a quick and direct description but when over used it makes the story confusing. I think making some of the fragments into full sentences and only keeping some of them would make your story easier to read.

Hope I could help! I really hope you revise it, because I would love to read it.

PM me if you need anything.

~Dommy

yah i typed it as a third person at first but then i switched it and i guess i missed quite a few errors haha. ty for giving me tips on it. Its nice geting soem tips so i can work on it to make it even better. Yah i made a few changes throughout the story while iw as typing it up and i guess i was too lazy to catch all the stuff i forgot to change ,but now im revising it.
Thank you! I had a pretty good inspiration for it lol

Hello Hopeful!


I second Dommy on the change of point of view thing. You do it a lot, and it makes it hard to understand what is going on. If you're going to change the POV I would advise rewriting the whole thing from scratch because it will change a lot about your story! Another thing that I won't rant too much about was your grammar issues. In some places I couldn't tell if you were intentionally doing it to give your character voice or if you simply have problems with grammar. Not understanding grammar is okay - you're new to all this crazy stuff! But I highly advise you try and learn more of it. Buy a writer's guide to grammar, or something, and study up! I didn't go through and mark any grammar errors because that takes a lot of time and will do less good than if you simply study grammar, and figure it all out. Now, to the big stuff!

CHARACTERIZATION

This is something your story seemed to lack all together. I don't know your characters name or if I was told I forgot it too easily. I know nothing about him other than he is/was in a war and loves Savannah. So, why should I care that he's being blown up? Before you can start your story with what your character wants, misses, needs, feels, you need to give your reader a reason to be interested and care, otherwise they'll stop reading! Your character is lifeless as it is because he has no greater features than his voice and the two facts I mentioned above. Bring him to life, make him human, and make us care about him! This is hard but important thing for a writer to learn how to do. If you're confused as to what exactly characterization is and how to create it, check out Snoink's Characterization usergroup. It's full of activities and articles that will help you become a master of characterization!

CLICHÉ

I hate to admit it, but your story is cliché. From the plot line of the soldier going to war, getting injured, surviving, and marrying the girl of his dreams, to the voices that came from no where but were all around him. It just wasn't original enough for me to be interested in it. Some of this comes from your lack of characterization, some of it simply from the plot. Don't worry, though, it won't take too much to fix it.

It's not so much that your story is cliché, but that it lacks your own original ideas. What can you add to the story? Even if you just made it more vivid, more unique, it would be better. Maybe the soldier looses a leg. Maybe he doesn't get the girl. Maybe he's not just a soldier - but a spy. Spice it up! Shake up the details! Right now we just have a bare plot about the same old humdrum war romance story. A lot of it will be fixed when you make your characters more vivid, but there's more you can do with just the plot. I suggest you think over it a bit and see where you can add your own personal flair to it!

POV

This is just a quick rundown on point of view. I already mentioned your problem with changing it too often, but what I'm going to talk about here is something else. Since you wrote this in first person, you spent a lot of time rambling in your characters thoughts. This isn't bad, but like with the characterization thing - why do we care? I understand some thoughts are important to the character, and will become important to us when you give us reason to care about your character, but try to avoid always being in the characters head/doing flashbacks. It's not as entertaining as you might think, and slows down the war action which, since it is currently going on and is a threat to the main characters life, should be the greater, fast paced part of the story. You can do a flashback or two, but make just those two as strong as possible to evoke emotion in the reader so you don't need to use another one. You can use thoughts from the character, what he is thinking about, but try to keep up with the action. Make us feel like we're there, not like we're reading his mental play-by-play.

One thing I did like about your story: when you did write action, it was well written! You were good with details, especially in the beginning, so I know you shouldn't have too much problem with the above. I hope this helps! and if you have any questions feel free to PM me. Best of luck!

I had it all. A great house, successful career, a great girlfriend, there was nothing I didn’t have.

the "had it all" and "nothing I didn't have" sounds a bit repetitive.

When I got drafted and token away from it all.

i think you want "taken" here

The picture of my wife crying kicking screaming trying to stop me from going was still fresh in my mind.

wait, so is it a wife or a girlfriend? that's somewhat confusing

I lost a lot that I took for granted, but there was one thing I missed the most. My love…. Savanah… I missed her dearly.

"took for granted" was repeated, and is Savanah the girlfriend, the wife, or someone else entirely?

I started crying. Not crying for pain, but crying that I may not be able to see her again.

I think this could have been worded better. Maybe like, "I started crying, but not because of the pain. I cried because of the fact that I may not be seeing her ever again." Or something like that.

Not being able to say good bye before I left. Not being able to give her that one last sweet gentle kiss.

The fragments are effective but don't use too many. Sorry to be a grammar cop, but "one last sweet gentle kiss" is missing some crucial commas. :] "one last, sweet, gentle kiss." could work.

My body started numbing. I started to feel nothing.

Those are practically the same thing, so you should take one away.

Bombs were exploding all around. Smoke filled the air. My breathing starting to tighten up. I felt myself drifting away.

I liked everything here except the first quote...it was very blunt compared to the ones following it. I think maybe if you said something that suggested bombs were exploding rather than saying it outright would be better, like "bursts of horrific, incinerating light erupted all around...."

I snapped back. I couldn’t let myself be taken [form] from this life without a fight.
An explosion erupted close by me. I heard voices off in the distance. I knew it wasn’t going to be a friend running through that smoke for me.

Any second I could die.

i don't think that last part was entirely necessary

I laid there struggling to keep conscious.

I remembered all the little moments that had seemed so little but now I yearned so much for.

here you say "little moments" that were "so little". and it doesn't exactly make sense...you remembered smaller moments and now that you were about to die, shouldn't you be reflecting on them and appreciating them rather than wanting better? at any rate, "yearned so much more" should have a "for" in front of the "so".

I flashbacked.

I'm not certain that's actually a verb

I could see it as if it was all happening.

Wasn't it? I think maybe you meant to say "as if it was happening right in front of me" or..."happening right this very moment."

Savanah standing by me as I [lay] lie, or lied in my bed. Her little sweet smile and beautiful eyes. [Her] Shehanding me a tray of food that she made as I [lay] lied asleep. Another memory arose. [Them]They [laying] Lying there under the stars, in the grass, with the warm breeze blowing across their skin[,] (period here) [Them] They just [laying] lying there looking into each others eyes knowing what the other was thinking, not having a care in the world.

wait, so...who were those two??

I snapped back to the coldness and seen a few shadows running through the smoke.

"seen" should be "saw"

I raised my rifle at them. There were two shadows. They both flew out of the smoke screaming something in a foreign language.

I like the short sentences, but you have them throughout the story. Some longer ones would be helpful...it's never best to have one variety show up more. Also, "foreign language" should be an actual language...that would help immensely in establishing the setting, which is still kind of unclear.

The flashbacks all flying back to him once more.

This is a huge no-no. You're switching from first-person to third-person..."him" should be "me". If that's what you mean.

Savanah and I standing outside her house holding each other crying from all the unfortunate things that have been happening and I whispered in her ear,”Everything will be fine. I promise ill never leave you, ill do all I can for you. Ill never hurt you. Savanah….” I pushed her out a little but kept her close and looked in your tear filled eyes and said “I love you”. They both just stood there holding each other crying.

This starts with a huge run-on that also lacks a few commas. One should go after "house", after "other", and after "happening". Also, take away the "and" before "I whispered in her ear" and it'll be a complete sentence. Now, the last part is very confusing. I think "your tear-filled eyes" should be "her tear-filled eyes" (don't forget the hyphen)...and the next sentence...who is they?! The main character and their lover? So it should be "we both just stood there".

Flashbacks of all the hardships they had gone through, all the pains they’ve shared, all they have promised to each other.

An unnecessary fragment, with different tenses. Either change the first "had" to "have," or the other two "have"s to "had".

I suddenly felt sad.

It seems like the main character's been feeling that way since the beginning though.

I had broken my promise to her. I left her here. I just laid there crying even more. I started reaching for my vest pocket for her picture. I just wanted to see her someway one last time.

Still using those short sentences. It would really be best to combine a few....like "I had broken my promise to her by leaving her here". And where is here? You definitely need to add some background information either scattered throughout or in some sort of introduction. Also, you're using the "I just did this" "I just did that" thing. Try to use some more interesting language and avoid repeating yourself.

Then I looked all around me. I had seen the bodies of all my friends laying everywhere, in their own quiet peaceful place now.

"quite, peaceful place" (no need for "now").

I laid there and look to the skies,

I lied there and looked

With tears still flowing down my cheeks, I dug my rifle into the ground and started lifting myself up off the ground.

Repeating "ground" here..

Pain was shot through my whole body fragments from the bomb still digging even deeper into parts of my body.

I get what you're trying to say here, but it really is confusing. Maybe..."Pain was shooting throughout my entire body from the blast".

I fought and fought to rise off the ground.
I rose and started making my way back to my base, only blocks away from where I stood, when another horrendous explosion lifted me into the air and thrown straight into the side of a building.

"thrown" should be "threw"...and then add "me" after.

I felt as if my leg was blown off. I looked down on my body and seen a big dripping wound on my upper thigh.

"seen" should be "saw".

Something was shinning amongst my tattered leg.

I think "amongst" should be something like "along" instead.

I reached down and pulled out a circular object.

Covered in dust and blood, I wiped off the object and seen it was a ring.

"seen" should be "saw"

From there I can't really review much else because I have to leave, so sorry for cutting this short.
To be very general, there are a bunch of grammatical things throughout that can easily be fixed, but I also think you should really describe better WHO the main character is, WHERE he is and WHO the other people he thinks about are. I don't believe any of the flashbacks are really necessary, as they might just cause more confusion...and some language could be improved upon (for example...."I heard voices off in the distance" could be something like "I listened anxiously as two voices emerged from out of the silence"....or just something to make it more interesting.

Overall it's a developing story with a fascinating plot, but could use some revision. Just take what I said about the quotes above and apply them to the rest of the story, combine that with others' advice and you should be fine.