Goodnight Irene

Goodnight Irene
by Kevin L

Irene is going to bed now.

Goodnight Irene.

Irene took Xanax and now she’s going to sleep forever.

The other day she was so spaced out from the medication. That’s what she said.

I replied, oh really, not understanding completely what she meant.

She lit up a cigarette. I remember when that was cool. Now, looking at her, I realize how stupid I am.

I’m stupid.

She takes a drag before answering.

Yeah really, she says.

The way Irene holds her cigarette is the way all movie stars held their cigarettes. In between their pointer and middle, while carelessly letting her arm hang beside her waist. She looked so beautiful with a cigarette. She could’ve been a model for Phillip Morris.

What about you, she asks.

I tell her that it’s little by little.

She grunts and takes a drag from her cigarette.

I wanted to ask her for one, but I knew it was stupid.

If you’re going to smoke, it’s better to be a full-timer then a once-in-a-blue-moon smoker because otherwise you’re just using people who actually pay for their habit. That’s what my smoking buddy used to say anyways.

Want a bust? She asked. I shook my head.

We cross the bend and walk around a great green patch of grass, which has a long black road stretching around it and down the middle. The sign reads SENIOR SCENERY WALK.

I have something to tell you, she says.

What is it? I ask.

She doesn’t reply right away.

You really liked me back then, didn’t you?

Now it’s my turn to not answer. I shrug and clear my throat.

Yes, and I still do.

I see a butterfly on the ground; great black wings with yellow spots. It looks like something out of National Geographic. It just lies on the ground, twitching its wings. It’s in pain.

Leave it alone, she said to me, as I bent down to pick it up. I protest but she took her hand and putting it on mine, she massages my knuckles. Just let it be. She steers me away from the butterfly, and I look back later and it’s gone.

So I let it be, and we walked down the pathway past the gazebo. She asks, why are we walking on this pathway when we can walk on the grass. I say, I don’t know.

Well come on, she says. She grabs my hand and we walk on the grass. There are plenty of people, both young and old, on the pathways but we are the only ones walking across the grass. I start to whistle an old Irish song that I heard some years ago, and she starts to sing.

Irene Goodnight.

Irene Goodnight.

I regret everything I never said to her. I regret the times we didn’t spend with each other. I regret any ill thought I had against her.

I miss spunky Irene.

The one I knew so many years ago; the one that never took shit from anybody, and who didn’t hesitate to defend a friend even when it was unpopular.

Goodnight Irene.

I’ll see her in my dreams.

beautiful.

Could you maybe elaborate a little more? lol

Hello,

I'm Maggie, I'll being reviewing your piece today.

So first of I'm guessing this is based off the song Goodnight Irene? You might want to mention that at the beginning so that no one gets worked up about plagiarism issues.

Second thing, the very short lines don't work for this. It's like you're emphasizing. Every. Single. Thing.
See? Annoying, right? I think you could combine this a little bit so it's more paragraphs, rather than one liners.

The other day she was so spaced out from the medication. That’s what she said.

This sounds odd. Right now it sounds like the narrator is making an observation in the first sentence and then in the second sentence was actually told something. Maybe you could say something like, "The other day she was so spaced out from the medication. Or she said she was." That makes more sense and the emphasis on "spaced out" makes it seem less awkward, more intentional.

I replied, oh really, not understanding completely what she meant.

It flows better if you swap "I replied" and "oh really". Also, I'm guessing that you're leaving out direct dialogue? That's a stylistic thing, but be careful if you use it, it can be confusing.

She lit up a cigarette. I remember when that was cool. Now, looking at her, I realize how stupid I am.

Abrupt tense change.

Yeah really, she says.

Comma between "yeah" and "really"

What about you, she asks.
I tell her that it’s little by little.

What are they even talking about here? The last thing that Irene had said she was, was “spaced out”. But you’ve implied that the MC hasn’t been smoking. So what exactly is a little by little?

I wanted to ask her for one, but I knew it was stupid.

You said that already.

If you’re going to smoke, it’s better to be a full-timer then a once-in-a-blue-moon smoker because otherwise you’re just using people who actually pay for their habit. That’s what my smoking buddy used to say anyways.

Change this so you introduce the smoking buddy before you say, what he said.

Want a bust? She asked. I shook my head.

This might be me, but I’m not sure what a “bust” is.

You really liked me back then, didn’t you?

This is asking, not telling.

Yes, and I still do.

This is ambiguous. I have no clue if he actually said that or not. Maybe it was intentional…?

I see a butterfly on the ground; great black wings with yellow spots. It looks like something out of National Geographic. It just lies on the ground, twitching its wings. It’s in pain.

If this is symbolic, I’m not sure I get it, and if it’s not, it’s unneeded.

when we can walk on the grass.

This would sound better as, “when we could walk on the grass.”

Well come on, she says.

Should be, “Well, come on, she says.”

Irene Goodnight.

The repetition of this line is unnecessary.

friend even when it was unpopular.

The friend is an “it”?

Okay, so basically, you have something here. You have an idea that could be really good. But right now it’s incredibly unclear what exactly is going on, you have some serious issues with tense (It’s especially weird when they’re walking around together and it’s in the present tense and then the MC says he misses her. The memories need to be in the past tense and stay that way.), and the MC and Irene have no development whatsoever. *But* I do like you’re writing style. I think you just need to think more about the reader, rather than feelings that you want to get down. I'm sure you know what you mean, but the challenge in writing is expressing it in such a way that anyone who picked it up would understand.

Good luck with this!

If you have any questions, PM me!
-Maggie

The setting is a mental hospital/rehab.

The abrupt tense changes were deliberate.

A bust is half of a cigarette.

Everything else is just a matter of preference.

Thanks for reading.

By the way, this piece is being published in Conceit Magazine.

Hello darling!

I do not intend to be rude when saying this but if you feel that everything else is just a matter of preference and it doesn't much matter what the reader things, then I am a little perplexed as to why you posted this here in the first place, if not to receive reviews? I also have to admit, "It's being published," is a bad excuse for shrugging off someone's review.

I thought the idea was interesting although I found some inconsistencies and issues. For one, in a rehab/mental institution (which there is a great, great difference between and I think you should figure out which you intended it to be) patients are not often let outside, depending on what they are suffering from. They're in a park too, and given that there is a senior walkway, it doesn't seem like it is a gated in park specifically for the clinic. This fact makes the events a little less believable to me.

One of the larger problems with this is the overall lack of conflict. It leaves me uninterested. What is happening? Of course, one could say the oddity of it is what makes it interesting. And, it does. However, it rambles on too much. You intend on making it look like it's from an asylum or something, and instead the voices are flat and the writing has no character, no life. It's bland. The lack of characterization, of real description, leaves the writing so bare that I cannot connect to the characters, the story, the events... anything.


It's not that it was bad, but it could have easily been better.

I didn't say it didn't matter what the reader thought. I just disagreed, that's all.

If I came off as rude, I apologize.

First of all, rehab and mental institutions can be mixed. I was in one where it was mixed.

Second of all, patients can be allowed outside, depending on the situation.

Thirdly, the Senior Scenery Walk was entirely based off of the hospital I was at. I don't know the circumstances of why it was there but I don't think it's a big issue either.

I don't intend on arguing with anyone over this story. Whether you feel the characters are bland or not is entirely up to you. In fact, more power to you. I posted this story for feedback, and that's what I got. I don't feel as if I was ungrateful, though maybe I came off that way. And for that, once again, I apologize.

I did not post the fact that this was being published to "shrug off" the reviewers review. I just thought I'd mention it, because I feel like being published is an accomplishment worth mentioning.

That's all. I'm sorry I was offensive. Sometimes writer's can be a bit egotistical when it comes to their work. If I was being that way, I do finally, and sincerely, apologize.