Chapter 3. still untitled rock star's unlikely love

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The air was thick with smoke and smelt of body odor as Dead Matter finished their last song. The crowd sounded like a wild animal as it screamed approval to them. Kyle Stone was feeling cocky and spirited; the churning of his stomach and the ungrounded nervousness was a distant memory. For a small country town, it sure did have a lot of pretty girls, he thought as he winked at one who burst into screams and giggles. Before they began to walk offstage he glanced around at his friends, they seemed to be having the time of their lives. Zach was talking and laughing with his invisible friends that always appeared after he ingested that white crap. Jake was doing as many tricks as humanly possible for a girl in a miniskirt in the first row. Travis, though, was scowling at the twinkling stars in the sky; like they had murdered a close friend of his.
What is with that guy? He thought to himself as quizzically studied the shabby Travis. He always insisted on looking like he just rolled out of bed, and the girls just liked it! I mean what the hell? Kyle thought, confused, as he watched a girl with short dyed purple hair and very small ears trying to climb onto the stage. She almost grabbed hold of his leg, but Travis took no notice. He simply went on staring (or rather glaring) into space.
As Kyle was pondering this something small hit his forehead, he caught it in his hand to see it was a little paper star with a phone number inside. Looking around as he walked toward the exit, it turned out to be that small eared girl with the purple hair. Smiling in her direction, he pocketed the cute little thing.
Finally he thought moodily as they got to their bus. It took ten minutes to say goodbye to the crowd, and then they demanded an encore, and then Kyle had to practically carry Zach off of the stage because he was so stoned and he was seeing “a big green dragon” coming at him. They had been swamped by teens shoving paper and pens in their faces and had to sign a few of them…but now they could relax. They had given Zach a bunch of beers to calm him down and now he was half-dead on the couch. Jake and Kyle were both disappointed because the only two girls that had come to them after the show had been whisked away quickly by some very large, cowboy hat wearing boyfriends.
“We gotta do something!” groaned Jake, his ADD acting up.
“We could go to McDonald’s down on main street, make a big splash.” Kyle offered
“Nah, too much screaming,” said Jake squirming around on his seat
“We should go for a walk, it’s a nice night,” suggested Travis softly, speaking for the first time in hours.
“Nah, I’d rather not make that movie, Deliverance, a true story. If ya know what I mean…” joked Kyle. Now he was almost to the point of squirming around himself. Then, a light seemed to go on in Jake’s head and a smile came to him slowly.
“Kyle, let’s go to that country bar I saw! It’s not far from here,” Jake’s smile didn’t waver. “we could start something with those rednecks, mess up the whole place.”
“Count me out,” murmured Travis “have fun getting beaten up,”
Kyle wasn’t sure this was such a great idea but… hey it was something to do. Anything was better than being stuck in the stupid bus.
Disregarding Travis and being the smart seventeen-year-olds they were, Jake, Kyle and a stoned/drunk/half-dead Zach started by foot to the bar's neon lights.
Soon enough they all stood a few yards away from the entrance of the Honky Tonk. Laughter and steel guitars spilled from inside the large bar, and every ten minutes or so another patron opened the heavy-looking wooden door; letting out more smoke into the clear, crisp night air. The three of them had been standing there for a little while, deciding who would go in first. At first they said they would wait until they saw a smaller built man go in but that wasn’t working. Soon enough they had reverted back to childhood and began a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Oh shit was Kyle’s first thought when Zach hit Kyle’s two outstretched fingers with his closed fist. Be a man you chickenshit Kyle thought to himself as Jake snickered at Kyle’s devastated face. Even the corners of Zach’s stoned mouth were upturned. Cursing them off, he started toward the twangy country music that was just oozed from the place. Taking a deep breath he pushed open the door with all of his might and made himself believe that he was just going into another bar on the east side of New York. Except this one was blasting Randy Travis and Trace Atkins.
The second the door slammed shut behind him, the jukebox was lowered and all eyes were on Kyle. Even though inside he wanted to run back down the road, Kyle sidled casually up to the bar counter and asked for a bud lite. The gruff looking guy on the bar stool next to him had biceps the size of bowling balls and was shooting whiskey. Kyle was suddenly conscious of his own lean figure.
I’m not in New York anymore, that’s for sure.
Slowly each leering face turned away and the music started up again, the sweat that had begun to soak his shirt was starting dry and Kyle wished the Jake and Travis would come in already…he couldn’t face these guys by himself. A sudden tap on his shoulder made him jump he turned around to see that same huge muscled man
“Ya from that rock band, right?” he asked with something of a Midwestern accent, the man’s beard lifted into what looked like a smile “My daughter was there…she was grinning like a speckled pup at the prospect of seein’ ya’ll tonight.”
Kyle just smiled back not knowing what a speckled pup was or what to say to this seemingly nice man.
“um, yeah I’m from the band, the rest of them would be here but…” where were Jake and Zach?
There was an awkward silence
Then the man put out his hand and said, “I haven’t introduced myself…The name’s Nathan Samson,” Kyle shook it and introduced his own self and they began the easy conversation of long-time friends. His opinions of these people were slowly starting to change…How he had ever wanted to ‘mess up’ this bar was out of-
The door all of a sudden banged open and Jake and Zach strode in. Once again all eyes were directed toward the newcomers. Unlike Kyle, they walked in like they owned the place; they were shouting obnoxiously at each other and calling some of the guys near them things like redneck and hillbilly. Kyle could tell from the glazed look in their eyes that they had both had some pot. Zach always took some with him in his pockets
“Those your friends?” asked Samson uncertainly
With a look of disgust on his face Kyle said “Yup, my great friends,”
“I’d get ‘em out of here now if I didn’t want ‘em to get their asses whupped,”
“Good idea.” He responded
The two of them were about to get ‘whupped’. Jake and Zach had made their way to the small dance floor in front of the jukebox and Jake had butted in between a two-stepping couple and grabbed the girl; who had slapped him. He slapped her back, too hard, and sent her falling to the ground.
“Oh God,” Kyle muttered putting his hands over his face.
While the boyfriend made sure the girl was alright, a ring of scary-looking guys was coming toward the two of them. Bursting into action, Kyle ran to the scene and came between the about-to-happen fight.
“I’m so sorry about Jake he’s-“ Kyle stopped in mid-sentence as a burst of pain hit him in the nose and blood erupted all over his face. He staggered a little and fell backward, hitting his head on a table before falling to the ground. He felt a sharp pain in his back as a boot kicked him, and he cried out. A little sickened by the girly high pitched note his voice had taken. The pain was worse than anything he had ever experienced and the kicks just kept coming. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was Jake and Zach take off out the door, leaving him.
Last edited by moonlight123 on Wed Jul 08, 2009 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream.




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I love it! It's so sad, and so bound to happen! Please, please, oh please, let that girl and Travis be together so this idiot over here could steal her! OK, so this Simons guy is going to break it up, right? And take him back to where the girl is! Which will be where Travis is because he did go on that walk and bumped into her! I can't wait to know!
Now, aside from that, there were a few minor grammar mistakes, I need to know if you care about those too much, because otherwise I'm not going to fix them since I'm not so great at it myself, but if you say it's important then I'll try.
I never saw that coming. Nice on the twists section!
You might want to put a comma at the end of his thoughts. The cursing himself part was very believable, since you had found a vocabulary used by people of his sort. I love how it changes back and forth from the girl to him. You know, he seemed to have more common sense at first, with the jitters, but now you can tell he's just an idiot like Zach. Maybe deep down there hides a nice guy, but right now, all we get to see is him being young and stupid. Which is good if you're going to change him!
PM me for the next chapter! It was really good!
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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I was indeed action packed just as you promised.

For me however it lost some of that great quality you had in your previous two chapters. This chapter, for all its bar fighting goodness was lacking in that certain something. That certain something is the thing that makes readers not just keep reading but want your next chapter, want to know what is going to happen next.
Your problem is easy enough to fix, just go through and perhaps add a detail here or a simile there.

You also had a few grammar mishaps but grammar is not my favorite thing in the world so I will spare you and leave it to other and or spell check. :wink:

Sorry for my harsh words, I just feel that if I am going to write a review I may as well try to be helpful. I still want to know what happens next, your earlier chapters and yes, even some of this chapter have me wanting your next chapter!

So, on that slightly confusing note, I say Good Job and Happy Writing! :)
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




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Hey! I haven't talked to you in forever! Well, I'm here now to review your story, so I hope that helps. ^_^

Nit-Picks:

What is with that guy? He thought to himself as quizzically studied the shabby Travis.

The thoughts would be much easier to read if you italicized them. That goes for all of your thoughts, too.

inally he thought moodily as they got to their bus.

There should be a comma after finally and, once again, italicize your thoughts. It should look like this:

"Finally, he thought moodily as they got to their bus."

“um, yeah I’m from the band, the rest of them would be here but…” where were Jake and Zach?

Gah! *screams* Capitalization! 'um' should be 'Um' and 'where' Just be sure to check over your work, because I'm pretty sure our teachers went over this. ;)

The pain was worse than anything he had ever experienced and the kicks just kept coming. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was Jake and Zach take off out the door, leaving him.

'Take' should be 'taking'.

Overall:

Looking over this will help improve it tremendously. I know you can make the corrections, so I'll leave the rest to you. Definitely look over your punctuation, because you almost gave me a heart attack with those missing periods and commas. :shock: Just promise me you'll check it, 'kay?

As for the story itself, I started laughing when you brought up the rednecks. Very appropriate from the people up at the farm, huh? Your writing had me quite amused the whole way through.

Nicely done! I'll be looking forward to the next chapter. :D
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You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




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PM me when there's more, please!!!
"Not all those who wander are lost" - J.R.R Tolkien

"It's horrible when you're giving a microphone a blowjob and it's giving you negative feedback" - Ville Valo

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Hello. Just read chapter three of your story. Now judging that I haven't read the last two chapters... I still loved it! It was written so well and I loved the characters. I like allot of rock music and I know what the bands are like: exactly how you say. I'll definitely read your other chapters a.s.a.p! Keep writing, Moonstar x :D



Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis