Blind - Chapter 23 part 2

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4495
Reviews 228
My sincerest apologies for this substandard piece of work o_o
I've still got a huge case of writer's block, but I forced myself to finish this.
Sorry for making those of you following this story wait so long.
Hopefully, I didn't disappoint too badly *flail*
----------
“I hate girls like you. I hate you, so please, for the last time, leave me alone.”

I didn’t flinch. In fact, I was sort of expecting it, but I just had to be stupid and try again. I watched him disappear into the mess of red, pink and white, feeling empty.

In one stiff movement, my hand lifted to my face and tore off the glittering pink mask, only to reveal yet another mask, one I’d been wearing for a few years. I occupied the spot where Nate had been moments ago, until my repulsive personality chased him away, as far from me as possible. Though unsure of why I was doing it, I turned to face the refreshments table and cup after cup, I chugged down the bland punch, drowning myself in the raspberry flavour.

“Excuse me, could I have some of that raspberry, plea- Ashleigh?!”

My head swivelled round, the curls on my head bouncing off my face as I did so, and I stared at Melody. Even in a bold red gown, she was a picture of innocence and grace. Of course, with the mask on, I couldn’t see her face, but you could feel the vibes radiating from her. I’d recognise her voice anywhere.

I must have been a sight, judging from how shocked she sounded. “Whazzamatter?” I tried to separate the words, but somehow they came out slurred, as if I were really drunk.

“Are you okay? You look… messed up,”

I raised my right arm lazily and let it drop on her shoulder, smiling goofily.

“You’re really purdy t’night.” I hiccoughed, giggling a little, “D’y’know, Nate daaarlin’ told m’he hates me, s’now I’ma hiiigh on rashpbewwieeeee-“

“Ashleigh, why are you acting like this?! What did you drink, does that raspberry punch have alcohol?”

A part of my brain, in a far corner was screaming at me to regain my senses and composure, but my body seemed to have its own plans. I had been reduced to having the mental capacity of a seven-year-old, giggling away for no apparent reason and my speech barely coherent. I could feel liquid sloshing away in my belly, as I swayed unsteadily.

“Y’know whut, Melonie? I has always been jeelus of you, you’re so preeeettyful and s’nice. I don’t even like piiink tha’much, but I din’t wanna end urp like yous.” I was hiccoughing away, and even if Melody did speak, I hadn’t heard here and continue blabbering away. “You were so unpoplar and they was aaalways makin’ funuf ya and I din’t wants to be an unpoplah looozer, sos I joinded Shelby and stuffs.”

“Ashleigh!” Melody sounded alarmed, but raised my other hand to pat her head, as if she were a good dog.

“S’kay, Menonee, I’m fiiine. But y’know whut? I’MA COWERRRD AND A PWETENDERRR!” Yelling out the last bit, I could feel a multitude of eyes on me, but my sanity was too long gone to care.

The shades of red and pink lights spotted the ballroom, flashing and swirling around me dizzily and the music had switched to hyped up dance music, blasting loudly through the speakers. The sound of laughter and socialising floated in the air, ringing in my ears.

My legs were first to give way, before I felt the energy leave me abruptly. I was falling, but I didn’t feel the impact of my body hitting the floor.

I just seemed to fall deeper and deeper into the darkness, but all the while my hand stretched out to the light above where Nate stood, his cold green eyes laughing at me.
**********

I almost spat out my mouthful of water when I heard her scream.

Like metal to a magnet, everyone seemed to be drawn to the refreshments table, and I darted towards them, pushing past the crowd to the heart of the circle.
Looking completely freaked out, she was clutching onto Nathan’s tuxedo, my brother’s arms around her in comfort. Next to them, Ashleigh was on the floor, her hair splayed out across her fair, her eyes closed. She must have fallen at a wrong angle, her left arm was bent oddly. The teachers were gingerly lifting her onto a stretcher of some sort, and like Moses, the sea of adolescents parted for them to exit the room.

“Melody, are you okay?!” I hastened to ask, panicked at seeing her cry.

“Y-y-yeah, j-just shocked, I guess. I’ll be fine. I should go and check on Ashleigh’s condition, she’s probabl-“

“I think she had a dizzy spell and fainted. She’ll be okay, Melody. Don’t be too worried about it.”

“Y-yeah, you’re probably right.” Melody hiccoughed, smiling at Nathan. I knew it wasn’t the time for this, but seeing the two of them getting so cosy made me clench my fists, my face burning with immense jealousy.

“H-hey, Melody?” Nathan glanced down nervously at her, one hand scratching the back of his head.

“Yeah?” As she looked expectantly at my brother, I could feel that this would be something unpleasant, a bitter taste already forming in my mouth.

“I-I know this isn’t exactly the best time, but it’s Valentines an- would you like to g-go out with me sometime?”

Nathan stammering. Now that was something.

My jaw dropped, and I gaped at my brother, whose cheeks were flaring a bright red. A numb feeling washed over me, as Melody broke out into a beautiful smile for my brother. Not for me.

“I’d l-like that,” She blushed, her face an identical colour as Nathan’s.

“What’s going on?”

I didn’t acknowledge Nate as he walked up to us, looking like he was having the time of his life. Not.

“I asked Melody out, and she said yes!” Nathan replied proudly, his face teeming with a happiness that I did not want to be part of.

“Oh. Well. Congrats, bro.” Nate grinned, running a hand through his hair. “Now, would you please tell me when we can finally leave before I decide to start attacking any girls that approach me?”

Melody and Nathan didn’t seem to hear him, lost in their romantic moment. Look at them, staring into each other’s eyes, giddy smiles plastered all over their face, while I stood at the side forlornly, wallowing in my own misery.

“Oh, Naaaaaate dear! I know it’s you standing there! Come and dance with me!”

Behind us, a girl with a hideous frilly pink gown was making a bee-line for Nate, waving at him, her mask decorated with one too many sequins.

“That’s it, we’re leaving now.” Nate declared in horror, dragging Melody and Nathan along with him as he headed towards the exit, while I fell into step with them. “Come on, lovebirds. You can make googly eyes at each other later. Where’s Helen, by the way?”

“With Trey, I bet.” Nathan responded absentmindedly, gazing at Melody as if she was the only thing he could see. I felt sick.

With his face glowing, Nathan put his arm around Melody’s slender waist, like a victor with his prize, while I shuffled quietly behind the happy couple, second-best with nothing.
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10701
Reviews 356
Meeeeeeep! Thank you so much fro updating! I've been waiting for this for a while, now ;)

Nit-picks:
“Are you okay? You look… messed up,”

I believe the comma at the end should be a period ;)

“I’d l-like that,” She blushed, her face an identical colour as Nathan’s.

The 'she' doesn't need to be capitalized. I'm smiling stupidly at poor Nataniel.

“That’s it, we’re leaving now.” Nate declared in horror,

The period should be a comma.

With his face glowing, Nathan put his arm around Melody’s slender waist, like a victor with his prize, while I shuffled quietly behind the happy couple, second-best with nothing.

Poor Nathaniel. Now I feel sorry for him. It must suck to see your twin brother get your girl.

So, Meep, this rocked! (as usual) I really liked Ashleigh point of view: I could get more out of her ;)
Ya still have a fan over here!
Keep 'em comin'!
*Kat*
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

The Buddy System Check us out!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 47
This was great, but it was a little hard for me to tell whose POV it was. I didn't really get that it was Ashleigh until she started talking, and I didn't know it was Nathaniel until both of his brothers were there. I guess I am a little slow though.

I only found one typo.
I was hiccoughing away, and even if Melody did speak, I hadn’t heard here and continue blabbering away.
The 'here' should be 'her' I believe.

And this was a bit confusing:
Melody sounded alarmed, but raised my other hand to pat her head, as if she were a good dog.
Who patted her head? I think It was Ashleigh, and if it was you should put 'I' before raised.

“I’d l-like that,” She blushed, her face an identical colour as Nathan’s.

I died inside right here. :P Nathaniel's reaction was funny and sad though.

Well, Great job! Keep writing! Seriously, if you need me to I will kill your writers block with a sledgehammer. :P
"We played Pin the Tail on the Reason My Life Feels So Insufficient, and nobody won." -Megan Moriarty




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2365
Reviews 146
Hiya Meep! I should have reviewed this sooner... but I'm here now! :D

With his face glowing, Nathan put his arm around Melody’s slender waist, like a victor with his prize, while I shuffled quietly behind the happy couple, second-best with nothing.

That's just *sniffles* so sad. But on the bright side, I'm happy that Nathan's happy.

What I don't get, though, is that Melody is kind of easily swayed when a guy asks her out. Except Nate, it seems like she kind of can't make up her mind when it comes to guys and it's something she's never experienced before. Maybe if you tap into that innocence, instead of rushing through it at the end, it'll appeal more to the romance part of the story. I think there could have been more description on that at the end, along with Nathaniel's misery, too. I understand you're trying to keep it up-beat, but I feel I missed out a bit on the romance part of it. Maybe an intense moment with your characters would satisfy... or maybe not it's hard to say.

Those are just suggestions, and if you have any questions about that, drop me a PM. Also, PM when the next chapter comes out I really want to read it! :D
Got YWS?

You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1203
Reviews 228
Meepy, meep, meep, meeeeeeep! I went back and read Playing the Field the other day and I realized how long it's been since I first review your stuff...wow. :D


I could feel liquid sloshing away in my belly, as I swayed unsteadily.

She could...feel it? o.O Wicked. I can't feel liquids inside of me.


And yes, that's all I got.


Also, it took me four times to read over this part to finally understand it. I read the first part again two times and I finally connected them together after the fourth time. So it is a little confusing at first, especially with the POVs. And I stayed confused for a long time, which is not good. Especially with the POVs (sorry, I'm repeating myself a little). Maybe just edit it so that we have more clues about who it is. Like with Nathaniel, it took me til the very end to find out. So maybe put some more clues or something.


Again, you write another epic part, Meep. Keep writing! I will bug you about it!

Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Linx
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 4115
Reviews 31
got to be quick, its realy late, just read ALL of those chapters and they are AMAZING! I'm not joking, even the ones you didn't like. Its so sad for Nathaniel but you can't help prefering Nathan, Nathaniel needs to grow up a bit. please right more! And PM me when you do? I don't know what to do, I really really want to read the reast!

xox
T
This is what we do. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more.With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on. - Shantaram




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3020
Reviews 24
Hey there! I've read all chapters of this story and saw huge progress in your writing. At first it was just decent, not really thought through or thought about, it seemed like. But, as I read on, the writing got better and better, and instead of noticing the mistakes, I noticed how good you were doing and how impressive your vocabulary was. However, towards the end it got a bit...hasty, again. I'm not saying it was horrible, and I understand you probably needed to post just to post, but I didn't think it was so great. And did it end? It certainly didn't feel like it, but considering you haven't posted in months I suspect it is.

I think you should keep on going, or redo the ending chapters and think them through a bit more, and really take your time writing.




Keep it up!
~Nutty
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell



Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.
— Chuck Palahniuk