Lilacs eyes (Chapter nine)

Ok here it is!!! This is the beginning to the plot really. It's where the whole story is leading. So see what you think and please review. Thank you ofir for helping me decide on this chapter as where to go.

Chapter 9

I strolled forwards, the cold evening air targeting every piece of exposed flesh on my body. The frost seemed to be gathering around me, numbing my hands and face. I kept walking, head down, mind focused. Why had I decided it would be a good idea to take an evening stroll through the dark city streets?
Shadows danced playfully up the walls, following my hesitant movements. The dark shapes were my only company. The walls that surrounded me, both right and left, were uncomfortably close. So near that I easily grazed both hands against opposite walls. There were wooden doors, no paint remaining on their rusted frames that led, packed against both alley walls. The streets seemed so urban, unlike anything I had seen before in Ursine territory, it was a different part of the city; one that felt so threatening, so dangerous, so Aryan. I could not find an ounce of colour, partly because every surface was shaded with a prancing midnight shadow, but partly because it just didn't exist. I felt so wary, so unusually out of my comfort zone, my pace quickened.
My mind flashed over possibilities, what could be lurking in the darkness. Images sped through my imagination, so many variables, deaths that could be waiting for me in this one straight passage.
A block of light sat in front of me. There were men's voices, deep and grumbling. They spoke quietly, a low hiss in their tones. I couldn't make out any of their mumbling words, but I had a sudden feeling that I shouldn't be listening. I wanted to turn around, leave this part of town, shut my eyes and ears and wait for any danger to pass. Blood pumped around my body at such a speed. Adrenaline quickened my pace. The voices grew louder as my feet drove me towards the light. I wanted to go back. I needed to get away. My fists shook as they clenched together, my fingernails driving deep into my palms.
A figure stood, shoulders hunched, in the doorway. The harsh, blinding light bouncing off his back. His hair was a deep obsidian black, like Lilac's, what was he? No, he just didn't seem totally Aryan, his figure was too hunched, too informal. He turned round, his brown eyes matching mine. Part Ursine – Part Aryan. I gawped uncontrollably, my mind racing over what this meant, what this could mean for me and Lilac.
Despite that, the way he stared back, eyes defensive and suspicious. I still needed to get away, but I couldn't move. “How long've you been there.” I acted like I hadn't heard him, like the comment was meant for someone else. My legs responded finally, dragging me away. Head down, keep going. “I asked you a question.” His footfalls fell behind mine, his voice rose. Keep moving, Ignore him. My hands shook slightly, but I kept calm and continued walking. His footsteps increased in speed, he was gaining on me. I lost any sense of cool. My feet bounded frantically forwards, down the alley.
Suddenly there was a solid object in front of me, it was him. I stopped inches from him, backing slowly away. I should have just given up then but there was a voice inside my head. Run. Fight. He caught me with his steel fists, eyes glaring down at me. “ How much did you hear?” His voice was strong, it sounded as impenetrable as his hands felt on my arms.
“I didn't hear anything. I was just walking past.” My eyes met his, my teeth gritted. I pulled myself loose from his grasp, kicking back at him. His hand clenched around my shirt, it tore under his grip. I punched him, my fist heading straight at his head. It knocked him back for a second, a second which would have been more than enough to run; but the adrenaline searing through my bloodstream was asking for more, another punch, the crack of my fist on his jaw one more time. Survival instinct was being crushed by my own sudden big headedness. I wanted to make him pay for every feeling I had ever felt.
I saw his fist rise, it sped towards my face. The impact was swift and hard. He came at me again and again, until one final blow sent me flying towards the opposite wall. I felt my sprawling body against the brickwork, my eyes shut tight.

We ran, laughing, through the flowers. It was perfect, everything was so perfect. Uncharacteristic happiness filling us. Her sparkling purple eyes glinted so beautifully in the sun. Her pace quickened, competitive nature shining through. I sped up as well, but she would still beat me. She was faster than me, more intelligent, more graceful, more mature; just a few disadvantages of loving an Aryan. I did love her, somewhere inside me I knew that she was more than a summer romance. We reached the edge of the forest. I had an advantage here. She was less experienced at the art of dodging trees. We ran forwards, I was gaining speed as she was loosing it. She was only slightly in front of me. I heard her laugh as she again quickened her pace, but this made her more clumsy, she hit into branches as her feet barely touched the ground. Her figure danced ahead, again gaining the speed.
She flung herself forward, pushing a huge branch from her path. I couldn't dodge it in time. The branch swung back with unstoppable force. I swerved, hoping to miss it through good fortune. She turned, her eyes widening as the branch missed my chest. It left long, deep gashes down my left arm. The branch had cut way too deep. It had severed a vein. I heard her stifling sobs as she dialled for an ambulance. She stayed by my side, wouldn't leave. I couldn't keep my eyes open, my arm was burning. Way too much blood. My head was throbbing. Had I hit it when my body had fallen to the ground? It had been perfect. Everything had been so perfect. Until that moment, my life had been perfect.

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It's not perfect in any case but I'd like your opinion so please review!

Your first and second paragraphs are brilliant, let me just tell you that. Everything was.
You said 'not perfect' did you? Sorry to disappoint you, but I believe that [at least in my standards] it was. You wrote better than a lot of professional writers I know. Seriously, as I read it, my jaw almost fell open. I wanted to know what else was going to happen, to keep racing forward, yet I was so engrossed with the little facts you pointed out like the shadows, like the man. Wow. If you're aspiring to be a writer, I believe you'll make it. Maybe not with Lilac's eyes, but you've got a gift. I get like this every time I see someone with enormous talent at something- words, for once, fail me. This was near perfect [everything is imperfect, yet we can find perfection in imperfection. That's my motto.] and I loved it. I can't explain anymore, hard as I might try. I will simply state that this was amazing, and that I loved it so much.
If you need anything you can PM me, as you already know.
ofir

Hello again! Sorry it took me a while to get to this latest piece, it's really great though!

Shadows danced playfully up the walls

I think your description of the alleyway is brilliant in setting the creepy mood for this piece, generally I could find very little that could be improved with it Just here I'm not sure if 'playfully' is best used as it kind of lightens the tone and doesn't really fit in with the rest of the threatening feel. Maybe something like 'tauntingly' or 'twisting grotesquely' or anything that makes the shadows seem more intimidating and scary would be better here.

The walls that surrounded me, both right and left, were uncomfortably close

I'd stick with either 'surrounded me' or saying they were on 'both right and left' of him as you don't really need both in this sentence.

There were wooden doors, no paint remaining on their rusted frames that led, packed against both alley walls.

I'm not sure about 'that led' on the end of 'rusted frames', I can't really see what it's doing there so the sentence might sound better leaving it out. I'm not that keen on saying the doors were 'packed against' the alley walls either, it could just be me but a different description like lined or something similar might work well instead

A block of light sat in front of me.

It's only my opinion but I don't really like this description that much, I think you could rephrase it a bit. Has the light always been there or has it just appeared? If it is only just appearing, perhaps something about it spilling out in front of him or momentarily blinding him would be good. If it has always been there then I'd maybe just think about changing 'sat' really as I think that's the part of this description that is bothering me Maybe something about it stretching out in front of him or flickering or something like that?

A figure stood, shoulders hunched, in the doorway. The harsh, blinding light bouncing off his back.

You have mentioned many doors so I'd maybe change 'the' doorway to 'a' doorway, just as you have not mentioned a specific one before.

“How long've you been there.” I acted like I hadn't heard him,

As this is a question I'd maybe change the full stop to a question mark and I'd maybe think about adding more to show how he says this. You do well in describing him but something on his voice here- for instance gruff and demanding, would add to the scene I think

His footfalls fell behind mine, his voice rose.

Just being picky here but I'd maybe switch these round as you just had him speaking so the reader knows immediately afterwards that his voice has risen.

He caught me with his steel fists,

This is a good metaphor but when I first read it I thought for a moment that he actually had steel fists Maybe to clarify you could say something like 'fists as hard as steel' or 'fists resembling steel' (this could just be me being stupid though so do as you think!)

Survival instinct was being crushed by my own sudden big headedness. I wanted to make him pay for every feeling I had ever felt.

I don't know if 'big headedness' is the most accurate thing to have here as I wouldn't really say that is why he is fighting, instead something about because of his pain or inner turmoil or something to show that he is acting so aggressively because of the hurt he is feeling. I'd also maybe add a little bit to saying he was making the man pay for every feeling he has ever felt as it wouldn't be for every feeling- just the bad ones. Maybe saying negative feeling or hurtful feeling would be more accurate.

Her figure danced ahead, again gaining the speed.

I'd maybe leave out 'the' before 'speed' here as I think the sentence might run smoother or change 'speed' to something like 'lead'.

Overall: This is definitely an exciting chapter! I really enjoyed it and thought that you built up the tension really brilliantly, I felt like I was there in the alleyway feeling the fear that he was feeling. I also loved how you used the scene of him and Lilac at the end in italics- I can't wait to read more!

Somewhere that I do think some work could be done on would be when he starts fighting back aggressively, you do well in building up the tension like I said but I think you could do something a bit like that for his own anger. It seems a bit sudden that he hits back when before he was feeling more hesitant and fearful, perhaps describing the burning feeling in his stomach or how his emotions well up inside him would allow the actions he then takes to make more sense. I'd also maybe build up more to when the man hits him down, perhaps he realises that he has made a mistake or something on the thoughts running through his head at that point would help?

The only other thing that I think could be worked on would be the voice of the attacker, When he first speaks as I mentioned in my previous comments, I think it would create a better image for the reader if you described what he sounded like. You could also talk about the sounds of the footsteps in the alleyway. I like how you describe them speeding up as this works well in building the tension but maybe something about the slapping of feet on stone echoing about the walls or anything that appeals more to the sounds of the area would also add to the scene. Again with this piece, I felt like you kind of jumped from the last chapter to this one and more of an introduction or joining between the pieces might help the story to run a bit smoother.

All in all though a truly great piece! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped and I look forward to reading more! *star*

Thankyou so much for the review, I am taking this stuff on, I'm just so busy (another excuse) I can't properly adapt them. I'm struggling a lot with chapter 10, trying to write it without clecha. I'll see what I can do.