-Inconcessus- Twenty

Okay, so this is the rewrite of chapter twenty. Hopefully it captures Isaac's personality better and I decided to hold off the whole 'Sophia saves the world' thing until a later chapter so hopefully that doesn't ruin it. Let me know if this one is better

Happy Reading!

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CHAPTER TWENTY

Isaac answered the door with such swiftness that it caught me off guard. His smile was wide in his face, his voice clear. “Hello? Can I help—” He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise. I shifted uneasily, immediately regretting my decision. What could I say to him? That I knew what he was? Demand answers? How intimidating could that be…
“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.” He was all teasing, no threat. How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.
“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.
His face sobered. “Right. Come in.” He stepped aside and I swiftly crossed the threshold, holding my breath as I passed. I still hadn’t fed and I needed to take all the precautions that I could.
Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.
It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cheery yellow with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.
I turned to face him and hadn’t expected him to be right there behind me. We jolted but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses. Again, I felt that mixture of fear and excitement at the smell of his blood, knowing now what it meant. Commanding myself to focus, I watched him cross the kitchen and pick up a blue mug with a tea bag string dangling over the side. I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings. I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood countertop.
“So?” he asked abruptly.
I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well.” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.
“Slow down, Sophia.” He laughed softly for a moment before continuing. “I’m sorry that I might have freaked you out in the woods today. I think I came on a tad strong.”
“Ya’ think?” I snapped, remembering the fear I had felt at him knowing about Jasmine.
“Listen, I was just kind of panicked, is all.”
“Why were you panicked?”
He stopped short, just staring at me. Then, blowing softly on the tea the steam ruffled by his breath, he smiled at me. “I don’t think that’s what you came here to figure out.” His eyes glinted in the dim lighting and I felt my breath catch in my throat.
“No, that’s not what I came here for,” I said firmly, blinking several times and looking away to my feet.
“Thought not,” he said quietly, finally taking a sip of his tea and this time coming away without wincing. He was still all smiles and mockery-glinted eyes. It was hard to take him seriously and I suddenly felt stupid. What if my assumptions were wrong? What if this was just some kid off the street messing with my mind?
And yet, deep down, my vampire senses were telling me a different story. This innocent-looking kid with the handsome cover wasn’t all smirks and teasing. He was something dangerous and it made my stomach twinge with the urge to flee.
“Isaac, please. I know what you are and its clear you know what I am. Just tell me what’s going on and then I can leave.”
Isaac’s face grew stony. “I’m not the one to tell you anything. It’s not my place.”
I felt my body go cold and my frustration rise. This wasn’t going how I had planned. “Then why have you been bugging me for the past few weeks if it’s not your place to tell me why?” I failed at trying to hide my aggravation and I saw the corner of his mouth twitch.
But it seemed he was better at hiding his emotions for his face stayed placid. “My role in this was to get information from you. That was all.”
“From me? Why me?”
He shook his head. “Again, not my place.” Just then, his jaw tensed and I watched him cock his head slightly to the left. I did the same and detected the soft rustle of wings.
“Dammit Greg!” Isaac suddenly shouted in rage, and I jumped in fright. He was no longer the seventeen-year-old boy with the dimpled grin. He seemed to grow in stature and suddenly, a golden glint entered his blue eyes, staining them brown. His shoulders became hunched and I saw his legs bend at an odd angle.
It was then that I realized what was going on.
He was changing!
I barely made it out of the kitchen before another kid swooped in front of me, shaved head giving him a menacing appeal in the florescent lighting. It was then that I realized it was the same boy from the woods when I had first encountered Isaac. “Where do you think you’re going girlie?” He grinned at me, flashing teeth pointed and dirty white, reminding me of the time I had seen the exact same teeth present in Isaac’s mouth.
I spun away from him and met Isaac head-on, back to his normal self.
“Greg, stop it.” I then noticed the commanding tone of Isaac’s voice and glanced up at him, perplexed. I watched Greg waver, thinking about disobeying but then thought better of it. He took a step away from me and I watched as his teeth squared off and became the normal white of humans.
“Sorry, Isaac. Some of us don’t have as much control around her type as others do.” Greg’s voice betrayed more than just an apology—it was more like a jab—and Isaac felt it like a physical blow, grimacing at Greg’s words.
“I’ll try to remember that next time she comes over.” Isaac’s voice was icy and held a threat that made Greg retreat. But not before flashing another sinister smile my way.
And then he was gone before I could blink; the only indicator that he was there being a long black raven’s feather drifting towards the carpet.
“Sorry about that, Sophia. Greg knows better than that.”
All I could do was nod, shocked into silence, my knees weak. I could barely make it to the kitchen table before collapsing into the closest chair, hands clenched into fists. Isaac watched me over the rim of his mug, eyes penetrating, probing, annoying me into a fit of rage.
“Will you stop it already!” I barked, glaring at him from across the kitchen.
He just shrugged. “I told you already that I was sorry.”
“Oh sure, sorry that a fully-grown Soren almost attacked me in your kitchen while you weren’t even strong enough to control your urge to transform. Oh yeah, I can forgive that.” I noticed then that I was breathing heavily and that my head felt light. I must have given my vampire senses a whirl if they were making me weak.
It was then that I heard the laughter, bubbling freely from Isaac’s mouth like lava erupting from a volcano. How dare he laugh at me! I thought in resentment, quickly standing from the table and swiftly making my way towards the door.
Before I could touch the door handle Isaac was there, gently touching my upper arm with his hot fingers that felt like silk. I paused and met his gaze. “Sophia, I know you came here to get answers but I can’t give them to you. All I can tell you is that Jasmine knows we’re here. And she knows what we want from her. If you wanna help, try to convince her to contact us. Please.”
I stared at him for a moment before shaking my head. “You’re crazy. Do you really think I believe all this?” I stepped out of his touch. “Isaac, I’m sorry, but this all too much. I’m sorry I came here.”
And before he could say another word, I was out of his house and into the fresh night air.
I didn’t have enough energy to mull over anything. My head was pounding to a rhythm all its own and all I could think of was fresh, human blood. I needed to feed.
Now.
I quickly made my way back to town and searched frantically for a victim. I zeroed on to a man around the age of forty, trotting home from work, briefcase in hand. I needed him. I felt my desire rising, my incisors growing, and I made my move, stepping into his path.
“Oh my,” he started at my sudden appearance, halting in his tracks. He went to speak again but I cut in with my mind. You must come with me. Come with me now. It’s urgent. You will obey. He shook his head, as if under a fog after I released him and then saw me in a new light. His eyes clouded over with submission, dropping his briefcase at his feet. I led him into a dirty alleyway, stray cats mewing pathetically. I didn’t pay them any mind. All that I was consumed with was the hot, delicious blood flowing through the man’s veins.
When we were far enough inside, I didn’t wait for formalities. I had waited too long. My thirst was driving me beyond clarity of thought. I dug my fangs deep into his neck, bursting the main artery. Blood rushed forth, filling my mouth, staining my lips. He struggled, let out a small cry, and then was still, the life already gone from him.
I laid him on the ground and sated my taste until I felt drugged, heavy with fatigue. I sat beside him and traced the lines in his face with my eyes. He was a family man, a father of two intelligent twin boys. His wife was beautiful in that homemaker way and he had been planning to stop by to buy her flowers from the florist next door. It was her birthday and her sons had planned a surprise party.
All that had ended when I had decided to take his life.
Yet, what I should feel—guilt, agony, regret, fear—was nonexistent. I had no pain at this man’s death; I had no blame. He had paid his worth by satisfying my needs. He did his job. He was only another human to sate my never-ending quest for fulfillment by means of fresh blood.
“Sophia?”
I looked up slowly, still drugged from the heavy amount of blood I had consumed. Michael stood in a halo of light at the mouth of the alleyway, eyeing me curiously. His lips were bright red from the blood he had taken and I spotted a hint of lipstick near the collar of his shirt. I stared pointedly at it and Michael shrugged. “I decided to have a little fun before feeding.” He smiled, recalling the moment.
I shook my head and stood shakily to my feet. “Let’s go home.”

For some reason, whenever I come back onto this site after a while away, I always end up reading your story, Ash. I've only been away for about two weeks this time, but since I used to come onto here several times a day, it feels like it's been two or three forevers.
First off, I just want to say that this chapter wasn't bad... it just didn't drag me in. You threw quite a lot of information at us this time around; I'm pretty sure that it wasn't infodumping, but it was still a bit to digest, especially with the way you threw the whole 'oh-crap-I'm-supposed-to-save-the-world-why-me?' thing into the mix. If you just put in something to make it a tad more interesting, I think that I would have liked this better.
Okay. I'm just going to do my whole 'general critiquing' spiel here, because there wasn't really that much wrong with your writing:

He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise.

You might want to say, 'He cut himself off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise.' I don't really know why, I just think that it might look better.

the kitchen painted a cherry yellow

I think you meant to say 'cheery' here... because those would be some odd-looking cherries, if they were yellow.

We jolted but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses.

First: You might want to write 'We jolted away from each other,' otherwise it would just look like they kind of jumped but stayed in the same spots. Second: mouthful is one word.

“Yes, because we are the only creatures that can kill you.” He said matter-of-factly, making my body go cold.

You should have 'He said this matter-of-factly.' Unless you were trying to continue straight from the quotations into the he said/she said/I said, in which case: ... that can kill you," he said matter-of-factly, making my body go cold. Personally, I like the way you did it better.

“What did I tell you guys? Don’t hang around. It’s not safe,” Isaac scolding,

You need 'scolded' there, not 'scolding.'

“Isaac, I thought you were leading a girl out to the woods to have some fun but I didn’t think it would be her.” The boys voice was patronizing and my hackles rose at his words.

The first sentence is a little long, without taking a breath. You might want to put a comma after the word 'fun': "Isaac, I thought you were leading a girl out to the woods to have some fun, but I didn't think it would be her." Second: you need 'boys' in a possessive form, boy's.

“What’s so funny, blood-sucker?”

'Bloodsucker' is actually one word, and if you plan to use it a lot, you can even shorten it to 'sucker' and people will still get what you're saying. See the awesomeness that is Strange Angels for examples of this.

I cocked my head at them.

I think you might have meant to say 'him' here.

“I’m guessing you know, mechanically, what we are.”

Hmm... mechanically... I'm not sure if it's right, but it looks pretty badass there, instead of the usual 'technically.' I like it.

You're bite is deadly to us and causes instant paralysis.

Ah. Homonyms. I hate them. You need 'your' here, not 'you're'.

It’s because the moon gives us our strength, just like the owl hunts his prey at twilight, so does our species.

This sentence sounds a tad disjointed, not staying on the exact topic, so you might want to add a semicolon where I underlined that comma.

I contemplated his words, realizing that he just gave away one of his weaknesses, something that would be use to me if I ever chose to destroy him. I met his gaze, and I knew he saw the realization in my face.

Hm. You might want to just change that first 'realizing' into 'noticing,' or something like that.

Who was I but a lowly vampire?

Ahem. No real offence intended, but this sentence sounds like a line out of a corny nineteenth-century movie. It seems too rehearsed to just be a random thought. I'm sorry for forgetting how old Sophia is, but she's not that old, to use that line so casually.
Okay. That's pretty much all I noticed, even though I'm sure I forgot some stuff; I'll leave that up to someone else to find. I just want to say, in regards to the last few paragraphs: I really liked that last line, but as for Isaac... a blue jay? The way you were talking about him in Chapter... 18, I think it was... I assumed that he was going to turn into something really badass, like a vulture or a falcon. Oh, well... I think I'm just a fan of violence in general.
I know you said this is the worst chapter you've ever written, but seriously, I didn't see it as that bad. You just want to make it a bit more interesting... you make Isaac seem oddly mellow about talking to her and revealing all of this. Maybe if you made him a bit more nervous, it would go over better? I don't know.
I still love this story, Ash: it's one of my two favorites on this site. Now you say that the main plot is revealed- you actually kind of threw me for a loop with the whole 'you're-going-to-be-the-one-to-stop-this-war' part- I'm eager to reading. Keep writing!

Hey, Ash! I'm glad you're still going strong. How's it down in Tennessee? Is it humid? It is here; it's disgusting.

Okay, I agree that this is a rocky chapter. For some reason, it just doesn't . . . flow. I mean, your grammar and descriptions and everything are fine, and they do flow, but the story doesn't. I know it's cliche to say "it doesn't flow" but it's the best I can come up with. This just sounds too rehearsed to me, like even though Sophia popped up at his door, he knew she was coming. Plus, Isaac's attitude is bugging me. It's kind of like Edward, in ways, a sense of superiority that detaches me from him and he doesn't seem real. And I agree with Adriana, this chapter was cunningly close to an info-dump, the way it's a lot to comprehend in such a short time.

But anyway, on with the review!

ashleylee wrote:
Isaac answered the door with such swiftness that it caught me off guard. (First of all, this first sentence does not do justice to the surprise rendered to Sophia. Maybe try: The door swung open with much more swiftness than I was prepared for, and there stood Isaac.) His smile was wide in his face, his voice clear. “Hello? Can I help—” He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise. I shifted uneasily, immediately regretting my decision. What could I say to him? That I knew what he was? Demand answers? How intimidating could that be…
“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.” He was all teasing, no threat. How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.
“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.
His face sobered. “Right. Come in.” He stepped aside and I swiftly crossed the threshold, holding my breath as I passed. I still hadn’t fed and I needed to take all the precautions that I could.
Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.
It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cherry yellow (This seems an oximoron to me: cherry (red) and yellow (ditto). So I don't know if it's painted yellow or red.) with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.
I turned to face him and hadn’t expected him to be right there behind me. We jolted but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses. Again, I felt that mixture of fear and excitement at the smell of his blood, knowing now what it meant. Commanding myself to focus, I watched him cross the kitchen and pick up a blue mug with a tea bag string dangling over the side. I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings. I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood [s]countertop[/s] counter top.
“So?” he asked abruptly.
I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well.” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.
“Yes, I know what you are. I know whose coven you’re lodging with. I know everything.”
“But how?” I asked, taking a step towards him. “How?”
He shrugged, taking another sip of his tea and not wincing this time. “I’ve lived in this area my whole life. Till now, Walter and I have lived in peace.”
“What do you mean ‘till now’?”
“I’m guessing you know what I am.”
I opened my mouth to argue but decided to let him change the subject. “Yes.”
He nodded. “You were quicker than the others. It took Walter ages to figure it out.”
“Well, you are our mortal enemy,” I snapped, not liking how he was making jabs at Walter.
He shrugged again. “Yes, and no.”
“What do you mean?”
“Yes, because we are the only creatures that can kill you," he said matter-of-factly, making my body go cold. “No, because centuries ago we were bound together in a protective union.”
I shook my head [s]unbelievingly[/s] disbelievingly. “But you’re a Soren. I’ve never heard of a bond between vampires and Sorens before.”
“You wouldn’t. You’re too young.” (Right about here I think you need to start making Isaac more understandable, more nervous, I guess. He's already starting to get on my nerves. )
I frowned. “How do you know how old I am?” I didn’t like the superior tone that was creeping into his voice. I also didn’t like the thought of standing only feet away from the only creature that could bring an end to my immortal life.
“I know a lot of things.” The teasing was back in his voice and I saw the young kid that I had met only weeks ago.
“Isaac, how do you know about Jasmine?”
He hesitated, glancing quickly out the window over the sink. I saw his jaw tighten, his teeth clenching. “Not here,” he said in a quick release of air.
I nodded, tensing. Pointing towards the room across the hall, he led me towards the back door. He went first and I followed close behind, able to make out the small complaints he was whispering harshly under his breath.
“Stupid kids. I told you to stay away. Why does no one listen to me?”
I frowned, trying to figure out what he meant by that when he suddenly picked up speed, heading straight towards the woods. When we reached a small creak, he stopped and tilted his head. I realized he was listening. My skin prickled then and I knew we weren’t alone. Isaac heaved a sigh, clenched his teeth one more time, and then said loudly, sarcastically, “I’m so glad we’re alone now.”
I heard a snicker and then a soft shout of laughter. Isaac made a sound deep in his throat, a warning that sent shivers along my whole body, my instincts yelling at me to run. But I stood my ground and slowly, one by one, [s]a group of[/s] three teenagers stepped from the icy ruins of the trees.
The first was very young, barely fourteen, with huge brown-black eyes and hair cropped short in a bob that brushed her sharp jawbone and chin. She was small with jutting shoulders and grasshopper legs.
The second stood very close to the first, a boy around eighteen, with wide shoulders and pale white skin. His hair was almost non-existent, cut close to his scalp, with big eyes like the younger girl. I recognized him immediately as the boy who had been with Isaac in the forest that day when they had found me.
The third was a girl, about seventeen, with pale white-blonde hair and a slender frame. She would have been considered pretty at first glance, but the scowl that marred her features made me take a step back in raw fear. This girl radiated a energy that sent my body rocking. She was dangerous. (These were great descriptions. )
Very dangerous.
“What did I tell you guys? Don’t hang around, it’s not safe,” Isaac scolding, emasculating a very male, commanding figure. It made him look older beyond his nineteen years.
I noticed then that the older boy and slight girl were also scowling, their noses wrinkled. I frowned, confused.
“Isaac, I thought you were leading a girl out to the woods to have some fun but I didn’t think it would be her.” The boys voice was patronizing and my hackles rose at his words. I took a step forward to defend myself but Isaac softly touched my arm. Again, the sensations raced up my skin, calming yet stimulating at the same time.
Isaac released me before speaking. “Greg, knock it off. I told you before, I need to do this.”
“You don’t need to do anything.” The blonde spoke up, her voice so high that it made me cringe. “It’s your choice and you’re putting our whole flock in danger.”
I was thoroughly bewildered now, but when I heard the word ‘flock’, I cracked a smile and laughter came billowing out of my mouth in a sharp squeak before I could stop it. Did they really call their group a ‘flock’ like a bunch of geese? I thought with another snicker.
The girl glared at me. “What’s so funny, [s]blood-sucker[/s] bloodsucker?”
At the curse she threw at me, I clenched my fists, my nails growing, my muscles tensing. The girl’s face went pale at the sight of my dagger-like fingernails and cowered backwards, stumbling into Greg. I smiled, my incisors long in warning. “Think before you speak next time, girl,” I spat before taking a deep breath and returning my body back to its controlled state, my nails shrinking.
I was surprised when I turned to look at Isaac and found an amused grin on his lips. (Grrr!) “Marie, I think you should go. Greg, take Lizzie home.” The three hesitated only slightly and then obeyed, disappearing behind the frost-lined trees.
I cocked my head at them. “What are you? Some kind of leader?”
He nodded. “Yes, I’m second in command to my mother. Everyone has a place in the group, a ranking so to speak.”
“Hmm… I didn’t know Sorens were so civilized.”
He caught the mockery in my voice and laughed, the sound sending my body a-flutter. The reaction to him scared me and I quickly recollected myself. “I’m guessing you don’t know a lot about my species.”
I shook my head. “No. Philip doesn’t like to speak of you.”
“Smart. They say that even speaking of us will bring us about.” He paused, starting to walk, and I met him in stride. “I’m guessing you know[s], mechanically,[/s] basically (?) what we are.”
“Yes. I know what you can transform into. You’re the last of the Metamorphous species. You can take the form of a particular bird from birth, depending on what your talents are. You’re bite is deadly to us and causes instant paralysis. I believe also that you like to change at night, under the moon.”
“Do you know why?” I shook my head. “It’s because the moon gives us our strength, just like the owl hunts his prey at twilight, so does our species. We prefer the dark. It helps us focus, as our eyesight is best at night. We tend to be quite blind during the day.”
I contemplated his words, realizing that he just gave away one of his weaknesses, something that would be use to me [s]if I ever chose to destroy him[/s] for his downfall. I met his gaze, and I knew he saw the realization in my face. “Why?” I asked softly. “Why tell me something so private? Something that could [s]be your downfall[/s] destroy you?” (I just thought it sounded better this way. )
“Because I feel I can trust you. Because I believe you will be the end to our species differences. Because I believe that you are the one who will end the Exile war.” (Bit of a heavy statement here.)
I had no clue how to respond. Who was I but a lowly vampire? (Yeah, this is kinda corny.) I wasn’t Gifted, wasn’t highly ranked, wasn’t anything. So, why me? I spoke that last thought out loud and he smiled softly.
“You will realize in [s]good[/s] time that I speak the truth. But I think that’s too much for right now. I wanted to tell you that I need your hand in this. I know you think we are enemies, but we have to work together now to stop the Exiles. Their numbers are growing; they are getting way out of hand. I need you to try and persuade Jasmine against her course of action and try to save the Exiles.”
“How do you know what Jasmine is planning?” I jumped in, frozen. This boy knew [s]much…[/s] too much. The things he was saying made my head spin.
“Jasmine knows of me. I’ve already tried to contact her but she has avoided my attempts. So have Walter and Anita. They have hardened against my group over the years. They no longer care of the opinion of a Soren.” His voice was bitter and he looked the leader of a group then. His eyes were weary and I saw again the jaw-line covered in stubble, the blue-black bruises under his eyes, the slump of his shoulders, and I realized again that he was much older than what he looked.
“Isaac, I don’t know if I can,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I’m not supposed to know any of this. How about Philip? He’s friends with Walter. He’s a better bet than I am.”
“Sophia, you are our best bet. But if you wish to confide in Philip, do so. It’s time he told you.”
“Told me what? I don’t under—” In the air vibrated a sharp squawk that sent my eardrums ringing and I clutched my hands over my ears, cutting off any speech I wished to say. Isaac just looked mildly annoyed and glanced over at me, looking even more tired.
“[s]Sadly, our t[/s] Time is up, Sophia. I will call you the next time we should speak. For now, try to persuade Jasmine. She is the leader of all your species. She controls the outcome of this war and if she follows through with her initial plan, she will destroy everything.”
Isaac words scared me, chilling me to the very bone. I felt ill and I bent over, breathing heavy. He laid a hand on my shoulder and smiled encouragingly at me. “I know it’s a lot to take in and understand. I should have contacted you sooner, but you were so stubborn.”
I couldn’t give an effort to smile so I just shrugged my shoulders in a weak attempt to please him. He nodded in understanding and straightened.
“Good-bye, Sophia. Until next time.” He winked audaciously at me, his youthful appearance coming back. Then, I watched in amazement as his body started to glow and with a flash of light, Isaac disappeared and an eagle appeared, golden brown in color with piercing yellow eyes. With a deep twitter of approval, he looped around my head, his wings brushing my scalp, before climbing high and vanishing from view.
I watched in wonder and thought for not the first time that day: Why me?

Well, looks like I caught everything I wanted to. Sorry about the Isaac-bashes, but his attitude annoys me. Well, it annoys Sophia, too. Hope this helped.

~Sunny

I was so pleased to see you had another chapter up, so I'm going to cut the post-chat short, and plough straight into the review... (:

How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.

So are you saying that Sorens know what vampires are and that they do exist? You need to try and make that a little clearer (:

Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.
It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cherry yellow with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.

This needs to be one whole paragraph, as there is no need for the first line to be separated.

“Yes, I know what you are. I know whose coven you’re lodging with. I know everything.”

Maybe you could add your MC’s feelings to her suspicions being confirmed and said aloud?

“I’ve lived in this area my whole life. ’Till

“

What did I tell you guys? Don’t hang around. It’s not safe,” Isaac [s]scolding[/s] scolded,

The boy’s voice was patronizing

“Yes. I know what you can transform into. You’re the last of the Metamorphous species. You can take the form of a particular bird from birth, depending on what your talents are. You’re bite is deadly to us and causes instant paralysis. I believe also that you like to change at night, under the moon.”

Okay, here you could add in where your MC’s knowledge about Sorens come about. Have her imagining the storyteller (aka the person who told her about them) say all this to her and try and reflect and compare on her feelings on being told about one to being actually face-to-face talking with one. How did she imagine them? Is Isaac totally different to what she imagined? And so on, I think it will help to flesh this part out a little bit, and make the whole situation more personal to your MC.

[s]You’re[/s] Your bite is deadly to us

“Because I feel I can trust you. Because I believe you will be the end to our species differences. Because I believe that you are the one who will end the Exile war.”
I had no clue how to respond. Who was I but a lowly vampire? I wasn’t Gifted, wasn’t highly ranked, wasn’t anything. So, why me? I spoke that last thought out loud and he smiled softly.

Okay, now there isn’t very much of a reaction from your MC for my liking. Instantly she starts questioning why her, instead of the obvious, what the hell is he talking about – the reaction needs to be fleshed out a bit, as it’s going just a little too fast at the moment, which doesn’t help to make this realistic. Obviously, this isn’t real life, but you know what I mean .

Overall
Okay, firstly this chapter isn't that bad but it still needs to be worked on. It's hard to put my finger on something exact for you to work on as on the page it seems as though everything is perfect: flawless grammar, great characterisation, amazing descriptions, and just overall all the great stuff your pack into your chapters. It's all there yet it doesn't seem right. Now, what I think is that you've rushed through this chapter a little and it shows in your writing. The scene just seemed a little rushed and too much was happening at once. I agree with what both Sunny and Adriana have said: too much was happening all at once and the story didn't just flow right. So, what I suggest is to try and flesh it out, especially all of the information (and the bit where Isaac went to meet the others - it just didn't seem to fit into the chapter, as you never showed us the point of it and it could be something that would've fitted in better in another chapter, you know?), into two chapters instead of one. Maybe instead have them talk and him having to rush away, her head left spinning blah blah to then another time when he talks to her about how he thinks that she could be the way to end the Exile war. This will then make it so you can linger on that subject a bit more and not rush over it like you did in this chapter, as when you think about it it's not really something that should be taken in lightly and rushed over. Also, you could maybe concentrate a bit more on your character's thoughts and feelings to help you flesh out the chapter a bit more.

Okay, I think I've covered everything, and I just hope that I have been some help to you. =D Please PM me if you have any problems with the review or any questions, you know the drill . Another great job with this, Ash, and I love the plot idea that is starting to develop - great work and I just can't wait for the next chapter!! (:

Keep Writing!!
--Lucy-lu xx

P.S. And for the record this wasn't a bad chapter, really it wasn't, it just needs working on. Trust me, I have read a lot of bad works, a prime example being my first attempt at writing something haha, and this really isn't with them. So don't be disheartened as really the chapter wasn't all that bad. I promise you. (:

Hey Ash! Thanks for the PM!

Okay, I see that most have the nit-picks have been done for me so I won't worry about those (not that you ever have much to nit-pick). I did however see one thing that kind of bugged me.

With a deep twitter of approval, he looped around my head, his wings brushing my scalp, before climbing high and vanishing from view.

You say twitter here...I know from glancing at the other reviews that you changed blue jay to eagle. The twitter seems to still be a little blue jay for my tastes. Maybe swap it out for cry, screech or trill?

That's the only thing that really caught my eye. As for this being a bad chapter? How many times do we need to go over the fact that I have yet to read a single bad sentence, let alone chapter, by you?

I thought it was very nicely handled, the threat of an info-dump but you were able to spread it out and keep enough of it a mystery that it felt just right. I agree with Adriana about Issac's attitude. I think if you made him just a bit more apprehensive about telling Sophia this big secret then your info-todo (this is lots of info just not a bad way to do it, and yes, I just came up with it) wouldn't seem so...Issac and his arrogance.

I still love your story Ash and I love the way you write more then ever! I still can't wait to find out what happens! (This chapter just makes me more anxious for the whole Sophia-knows-and-now-the-whole-world-is-either-going-to-live-or-die thing!)

Great Job! Keep going and most importantly, Happy Writing!

P.S:Happy 4th of July!

Hello Ash!

I purposely ignored everyone else's comments. I want what happens to be a surprise, so I apologize if I repeat anything they said.

His smile was wide in his face, his voice clear.

This sentence is not needed. It's telly. Nix it, please.

“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.

I think this can be reworded:

"Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk." I found my voice-which was surprisingly steady-at last.

Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.

Again, with the unneeded sentence. It's a bit contradictory, seeing as though we know that she is inside the house and we don't need to know that her 'eyes swept across the living space'

I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood countertop.
“So?” he asked abruptly.

A few things:

1. Whenever I read, I read things aloud, not because I like to hear myself talk but because it helps me to review better. This sentence was a bit wordy. I'd suggest breaking it up.

Try:

I watched his mouth descend on the cup. He took a small scent, wincing, his cheeks turning a faint shade of red, before setting it back down.

Another thing is, know what to describe and when to describe it. I think maybe you should focus on the way Isaac would look when he winced, since she is hungry and hasn't fed, she can be thinking about his blood, so subtle details like his cheeks warming go a long way. I'd rather know that then know that the counter top was made out of wood.

2. It should be "So?" he asked, abruptly.

I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well—” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.

I think a dash works better than a period, since she stopped talking.

“Yes, I know what you are. I know whose coven you’re lodging with. I know everything.”

Isaac! No! No! Ash, I know you can make him say something more...I don't know...Isaac. This is too wordy. But I just can't see him saying it. It sounds more like a stalkerish kind of line. So not Isaac!

Try:

"Yes, I know everything."

Or something along those lines, but I do not like that line.

This girl radiated a energy that sent my body rocking.

a = an


Okay, verdict. This wasn't as bad as you thought it was but it just needs to be fixed up a bit here and there. Your descriptions, as always, were lovely. I especially liked how you described the rest of Isaac's flock (I laughed right along with Sophia on that one) Speaking of Isaac, at times, he didn't seem to be Isaac. It wasn't believable and some of Sophia's inner thoughts didn't seem to be fleshed. I mean, I'd be freaked out. Isaac thinks she can put an end to a war?

Just work on your characterization and how you execute the dialogue, and you should be fine.

Keep writing (or else)

~Angel

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.

Isaac answered the door with such swiftness that it caught me off guard. His smile was wide in his face, his voice clear. “Hello? Can I help—” He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise. I shifted uneasily, immediately regretting my decision. What could I say to him? That I knew what he was? Demand answers? How intimidating could that be…
“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.” He was all teasing, no threat. How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.
“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.
His face sobered. “Right. Come in.” He stepped aside and I swiftly crossed the threshold, holding my breath as I passed. I still hadn’t fed and I needed to take all the precautions that I could.
Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.
It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cherry yellow with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.
I turned to face him and hadn’t expected him to be right there behind me. We jolted, but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses. Again, I felt that mixture of fear and excitement at the smell of his blood, knowing now what it meant. Commanding myself to focus, I watched him cross the kitchen and pick up a blue mug with a tea bag string dangling over the side. I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings. I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood countertop.
“So?” he asked abruptly.
I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well.” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.
“Yes, I know what you are. I know whose coven you’re lodging with. I know everything.”
“But how?” I asked, taking a step towards him. “How?”
He shrugged, taking another sip of his tea and not wincing this time. “I’ve lived in this area my whole life. Till now, Walter and I have lived in peace.”
“What do you mean ‘till now’?”
“I’m guessing you know what I am.”
I opened my mouth to argue but decided to let him change the subject. “Yes.”
He nodded. “You were quicker than the others. It took Walter ages to figure it out.”
“Well, you are our mortal enemy,” I snapped, not liking how he was making jabs at Walter.
He shrugged again. “Yes, and no.”
“What do you mean?”
“Yes, because we are the only creatures that can kill you,” He said matter-of-factly, making my body go cold. “No, because centuries ago we were bound together in a protective union.”
I shook my head unbelievingly. “But you’re a Soren. I’ve never heard of a bond between vampires and Sorens before.”
“You wouldn’t. You’re too young.”
I frowned. “How do you know how old I am?” I didn’t like the superior tone that was creeping into his voice. I also didn’t like the thought of standing only feet away from the only creature that could bring an end to my immortal life.
“I know a lot of things.” The teasing was back in his voice and I saw the young kid that I had met only weeks ago.
“Isaac, how do you know about Jasmine?”
He hesitated, glancing quickly out the window over the sink. I saw his jaw tighten, his teeth clenching. “Not here,” he said in a quick release of air.
I nodded, tensing. Pointing towards the room across the hall, he led me towards the back door. He went first and I followed close behind, able to make out the small complaints he was whispering harshly under his breath.
“Stupid kids. I told you to stay away. Why does no one listen to me?”
I frowned, trying to figure out what he meant by that when he suddenly picked up speed, heading straight towards the woods. When we reached a small creek, he stopped and tilted his head. I realized he was listening. My skin prickled then and I knew we weren’t alone. Isaac heaved a sigh, clenched his teeth one more time, and then said loudly, “I’m so glad we’re alone now.”
I heard a snicker and then a soft shout of laughter. Isaac made a sound deep in his throat, a warning that sent shivers along my whole body, my instincts yelling at me to run. But I stood my ground and slowly, one by one, a group of three teenagers stepped from the icy ruins of the trees.
The first was very young, barely fourteen, with huge brown-black eyes and hair cropped short in a bob that brushed her sharp jawbone and chin. She was small with jutting shoulders and grasshopper legs.
The second stood very close to the first, a boy around eighteen, with wide shoulders and pale white skin. His hair was almost non-existent, cut close to his scalp, with big eyes like the younger girl. I recognized him immediately as the boy who had been with Isaac in the forest that day when they had found me.
The third was another girl, about seventeen, with pale white-blonde hair and a slender frame. She would have been considered pretty at first glance, but the scowl that marred her features made me take a step back in raw fear. This girl radiated an energy that sent my body rocking. She was dangerous.
Very dangerous.
“What did I tell you guys? Don’t hang around. It’s not safe,” Isaac scolded, emasculating a very male, commanding figure. It made him look older, beyond his nineteen years.
I noticed then that the older boy and slight girl were also scowling, their noses wrinkled. I frowned, confused.
“Isaac, I thought you were leading a girl out to the woods to have some fun but I didn’t think it would be her.” The boy’s voice was patronizing and my hackles rose at his words. I took a step forward to defend myself, but Isaac softly touched my arm. Again, the sensations raced up my skin, calming yet stimulating at the same time.
Isaac released me before speaking. “Greg, knock it off. I told you before, I need to do this.”
“You don’t need to do anything,” The blonde spoke up, her voice so high that it made me cringe. “It’s your choice and you’re putting our whole flock in danger.”
I was thoroughly bewildered now, but when I heard the word ‘flock’, I cracked a smile and laughter came billowing out of my mouth in a sharp squeak before I could stop it. Did they really call their group a ‘flock’ like a bunch of geese? I thought with another snicker. I would’ve sooo laughed as well XD… in fact, I did. Flock is just a funny word.
The girl glared at me. “What’s so funny, blood-sucker?”
At the curse she threw at me, I clenched my fists, my nails growing and my muscles tensing. The girl’s face went pale at the sight of my dagger-like fingernails and cowered backwards, stumbling into Greg. I smiled, my incisors long in warning. “Think before you speak next time, girl,” I spat before taking a deep breath and returning my body back to its controlled state, my nails shrinking.
I was surprised when I turned to look at Isaac and found an amused grin on his lips. “Marie, I think you should go. Greg, take Lizzie home.” The three hesitated only slightly and then obeyed, disappearing behind the frost-lined trees.
I cocked my head at them. “What are you? Some kind of leader?”
He nodded. “Yes, I’m second in command to my mother. Everyone has a place in the group, a ranking so to speak.”
“Hmm… I didn’t know Sorens were so civilized.”
He caught the mockery in my voice and laughed, the sound sending my body a-flutter. The reaction to him scared me and I quickly recollected myself. ¶
“I’m guessing you don’t know a lot about my species.”
I shook my head. “No. Philip doesn’t like to speak of you.”
“Smart. They say that even speaking of us will bring us about,” He paused, starting to walk, and I met him in stride. “I’m guessing you know, mechanically, what we are.”
“Yes. I know what you can transform into. You’re the last of the Metamorphous species. You can take the form of a particular bird from birth, depending on what your talents are. You’re bite is deadly to us and causes instant paralysis. I believe, also, that you like to change at night, under the moon.”
“Do you know why?” I shook my head. “It’s because the moon gives us our strength, just like the owl hunts his prey at twilight, so does our species. We prefer the dark. It helps us focus, as our eyesight is best at night. We tend to be quite blind during the day.”
I contemplated his words, realizing that he just gave away one of his weaknesses, something that would be use to me if I ever chose to destroy him. I met his gaze, and I knew he saw the realization in my face. “Why?” I asked softly. “Why tell me something so private? Something that could be your downfall?”
“Because I feel I can trust you. Because I believe you will be the end to our species differences. Because I believe that you are the one who will end the Exile war.”
I had no clue how to respond. Who was I but a lowly vampire? I wasn’t Gifted, wasn’t highly ranked, wasn’t anything. So, why me? I spoke that last thought out loud and he smiled softly.
“You will realize in good time that I speak the truth. But I think that’s too much for right now. I wanted to tell you that I need your hand in this. I know we are enemies, but we have to work together now to stop the Exiles. Their numbers are growing; they are getting way out of hand. I need you to try and persuade Jasmine against her course of action and try to save the Exiles.”
“How do you know what Jasmine is planning?” I jumped in, frozen. This boy knew much… too much. The things he was saying made my head spin.
“Jasmine knows of me. I’ve already tried to contact her, but she has avoided my attempts. So have Walter and Anita. They have hardened against my group over the years. They no longer care of the opinion of a Soren.” His voice was bitter and he looked the leader of a group then. His eyes were weary and I saw again the jaw-line covered in stubble, the blue-black bruises under his eyes, the slump of his shoulders, and I realized again that he was much older than what he looked.
“Isaac, I don’t know if I can,” I admitted. “I’m not supposed to know any of this. How about Philip? He’s friends with Walter. He’s a better bet than I am.”
“Sophia, you are our best bet. But if you wish to confide in Philip, do so. It’s time he told you.”
“Told me what? I don’t under—” In the air vibrated a sharp squawk that sent my eardrums ringing and I clutched my hands over my ears, cutting off any speech I wished to say. Isaac just looked mildly annoyed and glanced over at me, looking even more tired.
“Sadly, our time is up, Sophia. I will call you the next time we should speak. For now, try to persuade Jasmine. She is the leader of all your species. She controls the outcome of this war and if she follows through with her initial plan, she will destroy everything.”
Isaac words scared me, chilling me to the very bone. I felt ill and I bent over, breathing heavy. He laid a hand on my shoulder and smiled encouragingly at me. “I know it’s a lot to take in and understand. I should have contacted you sooner, but you were so stubborn.”
I couldn’t give an effort to smile so I just shrugged my shoulders in a weak attempt to please him. He nodded in understanding and straightened.
“Good-bye, Sophia. Until next time.” He winked audaciously at me, his youthful appearance coming back. Then, I watched in amazement as his body started to glow and with a flash of light, Isaac disappeared and an eagle appeared, golden brown in color with piercing yellow eyes. With a deep twitter of approval, he looped around my head, his wings brushing my scalp, before climbing high and vanishing from view.
I watched in wonder and thought for not the first time that day: Why me?
[/spoiler]

Hey Ash!
Sorry this took a little longer... but yay, I'm here now. Hah.

Anywayy, I agree with what the others have said - this chapter wasn't bad, per say, but it wasn't awesome either. Your characters were well portrayed and the writing style was true to you, but something still seems to be missing. It's like it all happened too fast.

Also, Sophia's reaction to being the one who needs to save the world - way too nonchalant if you ask me. I mean duuude, if someone told me that, I'd totally flip out. Not only would I ask why me, but I'd probably argue a bit more... or I dunno, the point is, we need more reaction from Sophia on this.

And even if Isaac supposedly thinks he can trust Sophia, it would seem logical he'd still struggle with the idea? If vampires are, in fact, their mortal enemies (regardless of prior allegiances), wouldn't he feel a bit jealous, even? I'd think he'd be wondering just as much as Sophia, why her? He just doesn't seem to react humanly enough, if that makes sense.

The whole flock thing, although funny, didn't make much sense. It felt like you just threw it in there to fill in space and make Sophia have something to base herself off to realize Isaac was in fact leader. I'd say either give it more relevance, or omit entirely.

All in all, while there are some things that could be fixed, I did still enjoy the chapter; and I am intrigued to find out what happens next. Sophia savior of the world - it's got a funny edge to it, really XD

»Sam.

I didn't read any of the previous reviews, so if I repeat anything, I apologize.

ashleylee wrote:Allrighty then, this is chapter twenty. This is where the main plot is revealed, where things get complicated. That's why, I feel, this is the worst chapter I have ever written I know and you guys can rip it apart until it doesn't even resemble a piece of literature, but I need that. Really badly. I feel like I just kind of jumped off a cliff with my writing, waiting for another idea to get me flying again. (cheesy, but it works hehe ) So, feel free to be at your cruelest because I need the help!

Happy (or not) Reading!

______________________________________

CHAPTER TWENTY

Isaac answered the door with such swiftness that it caught me off guard. His smile was wide [s]in[/s] on his face, his voice clear. “Hello? Can I help—” He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise. I shifted uneasily, immediately regretting my decision. What could I say to him? That I knew what he was? Demand answers? How intimidating could that be…
“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.” He was all teasing, no threat. How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.
“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.
His face sobered. “Right. Come in.” He stepped aside and I swiftly crossed the threshold, holding my breath as I passed. I still hadn’t fed and I needed to take all the precautions that I could.
Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.
It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cherry yellow with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.
I turned to face him and hadn’t expected him to be right there behind me. We jolted but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses. Again, I felt that mixture of fear and excitement at the smell of his blood, knowing now what it meant. Commanding myself to focus, I watched him cross the kitchen and pick up a blue mug with a tea bag string dangling over the side. I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings. I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood countertop.
“So?” he asked abruptly.
I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well.” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.
“Yes, I know what you are. I know whose coven you’re lodging with. I know everything.”
“But how?” I asked, taking a step towards him. “How?”
He shrugged, taking another sip of his tea and not wincing this time. “I’ve lived in this area my whole life. Till now, Walter and I have lived in peace.”
“What do you mean ‘till now’?”
“I’m guessing you know what I am.”
I opened my mouth to argue but decided to let him change the subject. “Yes.”
He nodded. “You were quicker than the others. It took Walter ages to figure it out.”
“Well, you are our mortal enemy,” I snapped, not liking how he was making jabs at Walter.
He shrugged again. “Yes, and no.”
“What do you mean?”
“Yes, because we are the only creatures that can kill you.” He said matter-of-factly, making my body go cold. “No, because centuries ago we were bound together in a protective union.”
I shook my head unbelievingly. “But you’re a Soren. I’ve never heard of a bond between vampires and Sorens before.”
“You wouldn’t. You’re too young.”
I frowned. “How do you know how old I am?” I didn’t like the superior tone that was creeping into his voice. I also didn’t like the thought of standing only feet away from the only creature that could bring an end to my immortal life.
“I know a lot of things.” The teasing was back in his voice and I saw the young kid that I had met only weeks ago.
“Isaac, how do you know about Jasmine?”
He hesitated, glancing quickly out the window over the sink. I saw his jaw tighten, his teeth clenching. “Not here,” he said in a quick release of air.
I nodded, tensing. Pointing towards the room across the hall, he led me towards the back door. He went first and I followed close behind, able to make out the small complaints he was whispering harshly under his breath.
“Stupid kids. I told you to stay away. Why does no one listen to me?”
I frowned, trying to figure out what he meant by that when he suddenly picked up speed, heading straight towards the woods. When we reached a small creek, he stopped and tilted his head. I realized he was listening. My skin prickled then and I knew we weren’t alone. Isaac heaved a sigh, clenched his teeth one more time, and then said loudly, “I’m so glad we’re alone now.”
I heard a snicker and then a soft shout of laughter. Isaac made a sound deep in his throat, a warning that sent shivers along my whole body, my instincts yelling at me to run. But I stood my ground and slowly, one by one, a group of three teenagers stepped from the icy ruins of the trees.
The first was very young, barely fourteen, with huge brown-black eyes and hair cropped short in a bob that brushed her sharp jawbone and chin. She was small with jutting shoulders and grasshopper legs.
The second stood very close to the first, a boy around eighteen, with wide shoulders and pale white skin. His hair was almost non-existent, cut close to his scalp, with big eyes like the younger girl. I recognized him immediately as the boy who had been with Isaac in the forest that day when they had found me.
The third was a girl, about seventeen, with pale white-blonde hair and a slender frame. She would have been considered pretty at first glance, but the scowl that marred her features made me take a step back in raw fear. This girl radiated a energy that sent my body rocking. She was dangerous.
Very dangerous.
“What did I tell you guys? Don’t hang around. It’s not safe,” Isaac scold[s]ing[/s]ed, emasculating a very male, commanding figure. It made him look older beyond his nineteen years.
I noticed then that the older boy and slight girl were also scowling, their noses wrinkled. I frowned, confused.
“Isaac, I thought you were leading a girl out to the woods to have some fun but I didn’t think it would be her.” The boys voice was patronizing and my hackles rose at his words. I took a step forward to defend myself but Isaac softly touched my arm. Again, the sensations raced up my skin, calming yet stimulating at the same time.
Isaac released me before speaking. “Greg, knock it off. I told you before, I need to do this.”
“You don’t need to do anything.” The blonde spoke up, her voice so high that it made me cringe. “It’s your choice and you’re putting our whole flock in danger.”
I was thoroughly bewildered now, but when I heard the word ‘flock’, I cracked a smile and laughter came billowing out of my mouth in a sharp squeak before I could stop it. Did they really call their group a ‘flock’ like a bunch of geese? I thought with another snicker.
The girl glared at me. “What’s so funny, blood-sucker?”
At the curse she threw at me, I clenched my fists, my nails growing, my muscles tensing. The girl’s face went pale at the sight of my dagger-like fingernails and cowered backwards, stumbling into Greg. I smiled, my incisors long in warning. “Think before you speak next time, girl,” I spat before taking a deep breath and returning my body back to its controlled state, my nails shrinking.
I was surprised when I turned to look at Isaac and found an amused grin on his lips. “Marie, I think you should go. Greg, take Lizzie home.” The three hesitated only slightly and then obeyed, disappearing behind the frost-lined trees.
I cocked my head at them. “What are you? Some kind of leader?”
He nodded. “Yes, I’m second in command to my mother. Everyone has a place in the group, a ranking so to speak.”
“Hmm… I didn’t know Sorens were so civilized.”
He caught the mockery in my voice and laughed, the sound sending my body a-flutter. The reaction to him scared me and I quickly recollected myself. “I’m guessing you don’t know a lot about my species.”
I shook my head. “No. Philip doesn’t like to speak of you.”
“Smart. They say that even speaking of us will bring us about.” He paused, starting to walk, and I met him in stride. “I’m guessing you know, mechanically, what we are.”
“Yes. I know what you can transform into. You’re the last of the Metamorphous species. You can take the form of a particular bird from birth, depending on what your talents are. You’re bite is deadly to us and causes instant paralysis. I believe also that you like to change at night, under the moon.”
“Do you know why?” I shook my head. “It’s because the moon gives us our strength, just like the owl hunts his prey at twilight, so does our species. We prefer the dark. It helps us focus, as our eyesight is best at night. We tend to be quite blind during the day.”
I contemplated his words, realizing that he just gave away one of his weaknesses, something that would be use to me if I ever chose to destroy him. I met his gaze, and I knew he saw the realization in my face. “Why?” I asked softly. “Why tell me something so private? Something that could be your downfall?”
“Because I feel I can trust you. Because I believe you will be the end to our species differences. Because I believe that you are the one who will end the Exile war.”
I had no clue how to respond. Who was I but a lowly vampire? I wasn’t Gifted, wasn’t highly ranked, wasn’t anything. So, why me? I spoke that last thought out loud and he smiled softly.
“You will realize in good time that I speak the truth. But I think that’s too much for right now. I wanted to tell you that I need your hand in this. I know we are enemies, but we have to work together now to stop the Exiles. Their numbers are growing; they are getting way out of hand. I need you to try and persuade Jasmine against her course of action and try to save the Exiles.”
“How do you know what Jasmine is planning?” I jumped in, frozen. This boy knew much… too much. The things he was saying made my head spin.
“Jasmine knows of me. I’ve already tried to contact her but she has avoided my attempts. So have Walter and Anita. They have hardened against my group over the years. They no longer care of the opinion of a Soren.” His voice was bitter and he looked the leader of a group then. His eyes were weary and I saw again the jaw-line covered in stubble, the blue-black bruises under his eyes, the slump of his shoulders, and I realized again that he was much older than what he looked.
“Isaac, I don’t know if I can,” I admitted. “I’m not supposed to know any of this. How about Philip? He’s friends with Walter. He’s a better bet than I am.”
“Sophia, you are our best bet. But if you wish to confide in Philip, do so. It’s time he told you.”
“Told me what? I don’t under—” In the air vibrated a sharp squawk that sent my eardrums ringing and I clutched my hands over my ears, cutting off any speech I wished to say. Isaac just looked mildly annoyed and glanced over at me, looking even more tired.
“Sadly, our time is up, Sophia. I will call you the next time we should speak. For now, try to persuade Jasmine. She is the leader of all your species. She controls the outcome of this war and if she follows through with her initial plan, she will destroy everything.”
Isaac words scared me, chilling me to the very bone. I felt ill and I bent over, breathing heavy. He laid a hand on my shoulder and smiled encouragingly at me. “I know it’s a lot to take in and understand. I should have contacted you sooner, but you were so stubborn.”
I couldn’t give an effort to smile so I just shrugged my shoulders in a weak attempt to please him. He nodded in understanding and straightened.
“Good-bye, Sophia. Until next time.” He winked audaciously at me, his youthful appearance coming back. Then, I watched in amazement as his body started to glow and with a flash of light, Isaac disappeared and an eagle appeared, golden brown in color with piercing yellow eyes. With a deep twitter of approval, he looped around my head, his wings brushing my scalp, before climbing high and vanishing from view.
I watched in wonder and thought for not the first time that day: Why me?

So there weren’t many grammatical errors or anything, but it did seem like something was missing. Don’t get me wrong when I say it wasn’t bad, but there was just something missing. It also seemed to go a little too fast.

Sophia seems a little too nonchalant about being the one to save the world. Isaac seems a little to willing to trust her, and doesn’t go into much detail as to why he trusts her so much or why he believes she’s the one who will save the world. Also, wouldn’t Isaac be struggling a little with the fact that it is her who’s going to save the world? Wouldn’t he be wondering why her too? Especially since they’re mortal enemies.

And I guess I’ll just stop there. I’m sure others have said pretty much the same thing I just did, and I don’t want to feel repetitive.

Loyal YWS Readers and Review-ers:

I want to thank you all for all the support on this chapter. I decided to change it a bit because I know that this was kind of a lot for both the reader and Sophia to take in

So, I've decided to set-off some things until the future, ect. Hopefully this one is better than the last.

Thanks again for all the helpful reviews. I hope you all know who I'm gonna dedicate this to if this ever gets puplished

THANK YOU!

Yay, Ashley! I think you can safely move on with the story with this as a revised chapter. It's much better; it doesn't reveal all or confuse you, it gives us a glint of the Sorens and Isaac, but it doesn't drop the whole "Save the World" bomb. Just a few nitpicks:

I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings.

This sounds kind of funny, maybe just have it be "detected the aroma of green tea and pomegranate."

“Dammit Greg!” Isaac suddenly shouted in rage, and I jumped in fright.

There should be a comma before Greg.

It was then that I heard the laughter, bubbling freely from Isaac’s mouth like lava erupting from a volcano. How dare he laugh at me! I thought in resentment, quickly standing from the table and swiftly making my way towards the door.

I don't think you quite do Sophia's annoyance justice here, plus the laughter is pretty infuriating, but I bet that's what you're after. Anyway, her thought "How dare he laugh at me" wouldn't really be in resentment, probably more anger. This whole part just didn't seem right to me for some reason.

Well, that's about it. This is a great rewrite, Ash, much better than the first. PM me as always with the next one!

~Sunny

CHAPTER TWENTY


Isaac answered the door with such swiftness that it caught me off guard. His smile was wide [s]in[/s] on his face, his voice clear. “Hello? Can I help—” He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise. I shifted uneasily, immediately regretting my decision. What could I say to him? That I knew what he was? Demand answers? How intimidating could that be…

“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.” He was all teasing, no threat. How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.

“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.

His face sobered. “Right. Come in.” He stepped aside and I swiftly crossed the threshold, holding my breath as I passed. I still hadn’t fed and I needed to take all the precautions that I could. If she knew what he was, why would she even think about being tempted to drink his blood?

Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.

It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cheery yellow with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.

I turned to face him and hadn’t expected him to be right there behind me. We jolted but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses. Again, I felt that mixture of fear and excitement at the smell of his blood, knowing now what it meant. Commanding myself to focus, I watched him cross the kitchen and pick up a blue mug with a tea bag string dangling over the side. I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings. I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood countertop.

“So?” he asked abruptly.

I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well.” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.

“Slow down, Sophia.” He laughed softly for a moment before continuing. “I’m sorry that I might have freaked you out in the woods today. I think I came on a tad strong.”

“Ya’ think?” I snapped, remembering the fear I had felt at him knowing about Jasmine.

“Listen, I was just kind of panicked, is all.”

“Why were you panicked?”

He stopped short, just staring at me. Then, blowing softly on the tea the steam ruffled by his breath, he smiled at me. “I don’t think that’s what you came here to figure out.” His eyes glinted in the dim lighting and I felt my breath catch in my throat.

“No, that’s not what I came here for,” I said firmly, blinking several times and looking away to my feet.

“[s]Thought not[/s] Didn't think so,” he said quietly, finally taking a sip of his tea and this time coming away without wincing. He was still all smiles and mockery-glinted eyes. It was hard to take him seriously and I suddenly felt stupid. What if my assumptions were wrong? What if this was just some kid off the street messing with my mind?

And yet, deep down, my vampire senses were telling me a different story. This innocent-looking kid with the handsome cover wasn’t all smirks and teasing. He was something dangerous and it made my stomach twinge with the urge to flee.

“Isaac, please. I know what you are and its clear you know what I am. Just tell me what’s going on and then I can leave.”

Isaac’s face grew stony. “I’m not the one to tell you anything. It’s not my place.”

I felt my body go cold and my frustration rise. This wasn’t going how I had planned. “Then why have you been bugging me for the past few weeks if it’s not your place to tell me why?” I failed at trying to hide my aggravation and I saw the corner of his mouth twitch.

But it seemed he was better at hiding his emotions for his face stayed placid. “My role in this was to get information from you. That was all.”

“From me? Why me?”

He shook his head. “Again, not my place.” Just then, his jaw tensed and I watched him cock his head slightly to the left. I did the same and detected the soft rustle of wings.

“Dammit, Greg!” Isaac suddenly shouted in rage, and I jumped in fright. He was no longer the seventeen-year-old boy with the dimpled grin. He seemed to grow in stature and suddenly, a golden glint entered his blue eyes, staining them brown. His shoulders became hunched and I saw his legs bend at an odd angle.

It was then that I realized what was going on.

He was changing!

I barely made it out of the kitchen before another kid swooped in front of me, shaved head giving him a menacing appeal in the florescent lighting. It was then that I realized it was the same boy from the woods when I had first encountered Isaac. “Where do you think you’re going, girlie?” He grinned at me, flashing teeth pointed and dirty white, reminding me of the time I had seen the exact same teeth present in Isaac’s mouth.

I spun away from him and met Isaac head-on, back to his normal self.

“Greg, stop it.” I then noticed the commanding tone of Isaac’s voice and glanced up at him, perplexed. I watched Greg waver, thinking about disobeying but then thought better of it. He took a step away from me and I watched as his teeth squared off and became the normal white of humans.

“Sorry, Isaac. Some of us don’t have as much control around her type as others do.” Greg’s voice betrayed more than just an apology—it was more like a jab—and Isaac felt it like a physical blow, grimacing at Greg’s words.

“I’ll try to remember that next time she comes over.” Isaac’s voice was icy and held a threat that made Greg retreat. But not before flashing another sinister smile my way.

And then he was gone before I could blink; the only indicator that he was there being a long black raven’s feather drifting towards the carpet.

“Sorry about that, Sophia. Greg knows better than that.”

All I could do was nod, shocked into silence, my knees weak. I could barely make it to the kitchen table before collapsing into the closest chair, hands clenched into fists. Isaac watched me over the rim of his mug, eyes penetrating, probing, annoying me into a fit of rage.

“Will you stop it already!” I barked, glaring at him from across the kitchen.

He just shrugged. “I told you already that I was sorry.”

“Oh sure, sorry that a fully-grown Soren almost attacked me in your kitchen while you weren’t even strong enough to control your urge to transform. Oh yeah, I can forgive that.” I noticed then that I was breathing heavily and that my head felt light. I must have given my vampire senses a whirl if they were making me weak.

It was then that I heard the laughter, bubbling freely from Isaac’s mouth like lava erupting from a volcano. How dare he laugh at me! I thought in resentment, quickly standing from the table and swiftly making my way towards the door.

Before I could touch the door handle Isaac was there, gently touching my upper arm with his hot fingers that felt like silk. I paused and met his gaze. “Sophia, I know you came here to get answers but I can’t give them to you. All I can tell you is that Jasmine knows we’re here. And she knows what we want from her. If you wanna help, try to convince her to contact us. Please.”

I stared at him for a moment before shaking my head. “You’re crazy. Do you really think I believe all this?” I stepped out of his touch. “Isaac, I’m sorry, but this all too much. I’m sorry I came here.”

And before he could say another word, I was out of his house and into the fresh night air.

I didn’t have enough energy to mull over anything. My head was pounding to a rhythm all its own and all I could think of was fresh, human blood. I needed to feed.

Now.

I quickly made my way back to town and searched frantically for a victim. I zeroed on to a man around the age of forty, trotting home from work, briefcase in hand. I needed him. I felt my desire rising, my incisors growing, and I made my move, stepping into his path.

“Oh my,” he started at my sudden appearance, halting in his tracks. He went to speak again but I cut in with my mind. You must come with me. Come with me now. It’s urgent. You will obey. He shook his head, as if under a fog after I released him and then saw me in a new light. His eyes clouded over with submission, dropping his briefcase at his feet. I led him into a dirty alleyway, stray cats mewing pathetically. I didn’t pay them any mind. All that I was consumed with was the hot, delicious blood flowing through the man’s veins.

When we were far enough inside, I didn’t wait for formalities. I had waited too long. My thirst was driving me beyond clarity of thought. I dug my fangs deep into his neck, bursting the main artery. Blood rushed forth, filling my mouth, staining my lips. He struggled, let out a small cry, and then was still, the life already gone from him.

I laid him on the ground and sated my taste until I felt drugged, heavy with fatigue. I sat beside him and traced the lines in his face with my eyes. He was a family man, a father of two intelligent twin boys. His wife was beautiful in that homemaker way and he had been planning to stop by to buy her flowers from the florist next door. It was her birthday and her sons had planned a surprise party.

All that had ended when I had decided to take his life.

Yet, what I should feel—guilt, agony, regret, fear—was nonexistent. I had no pain at this man’s death; I had no blame. He had paid his worth by satisfying my needs. He did his job. He was only another human to sate my never-ending quest for fulfillment by means of fresh blood.

“Sophia?”

I looked up slowly, still drugged from the heavy amount of blood I had consumed. Michael stood in a halo of light at the mouth of the alleyway, eyeing me curiously. His lips were bright red from the blood he had taken and I spotted a hint of lipstick near the collar of his shirt. I stared pointedly at it and Michael shrugged. “I decided to have a little fun before feeding.” He smiled, recalling the moment.

I shook my head and stood shakily to my feet. “Let’s go home.”

Overall, this was much better than the last one. It wasn't as confusing. And I think you should still wait a little more to bring in the fact that she has to save the world. I think you should talk about her watching Isaac with curiousity for a little while, also tell us a little more about Sorens. But it is your story, so who am I to tell you how to write it?
Anyway, keep up the good work. I really liked it. =)

Oh yay! Oh yay! Oh yay! *bounces up and down in excitement*

In case you could not tell from the line above I thought your rewrite went very well indeed.
As I am sure you intended it is now a lot less confusing as the information was light but still gave us that lovely glimpse in the future and know that the rest is coming, just not all coming down at once this time.

The only thing I was a little uncertain of was her victim. Sophia strikes me as the kind of person who would feel sorry for the man. However its not my story so how do I know anything about the characters?
The only thing I would really advise is maybe you expand that just a tad. Why doesn't she feel guilt or remorse? Your readers are always such curious creatures!

Alright, well I feel that is about it. I shall once again bow to you and say that you are an amazing writer and you were able to really prove that by going back and fixing a chapter that was not quite right. I think you did it marvelously and I can not wait to read your next chapter!

Great Job again and as always, Happy Writing!

Bonjour Ash!

“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.”

I don't like the underlined part of this sentence. The rest was fine. It's more Isaac's character.
Maybe, something like "After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I thought that you didn't like me..." or something like that.

“Slow down, Sophia.” He laughed softly for a moment before continuing. “I’m sorry that I might have freaked you out in the woods today. I think I came on a tad strong.”

"I think I came on a tad strong." Why?! It would be a great sentence anywhere else but here. To me, I just couldn't see Isaac saying that.

“No, that’s not what I came here for,” I said firmly, blinking several times and looking away to my feet.

away to = down at

“Thought not,” he said quietly, finally taking a sip of his tea and this time coming away without wincing.

Thought not isn't sitting well with me. I don't know, maybe it should be "I thought that" or something.

Okay, this was much better but it still didn't do it for me. The dialogue was a little iffy on Isaac's part and I thought everything flowed more towards the end. All in all, good job on the improvement. I look forward to the next chapter.

Keep writing,

~Angel

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.

Isaac answered the door with such swiftness that it caught me off guard. His smile was wide in his face, his voice clear. “Hello? Can I help—” He cut off quickly, his eyes widening with surprise. I shifted uneasily, immediately regretting my decision. What could I say to him? That I knew what he was? Demand answers? How intimidating could that be…
“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. After you practically ran screaming from me in the woods, I finally got the drift that you didn’t care for me. But showing up on my doorstep… that changes things.” He was all teasing, no threat. How could he be so at ease with a vampire on his doorstep? I thought, slightly bewildered.
“Listen, Isaac, I think we need to talk.” I found my voice at last, steady and straightforward.
His face sobered. “Right. Come in.” He stepped aside and I swiftly crossed the threshold, holding my breath as I passed. I still hadn’t fed and I needed to take all the precautions that I could.
Inside, my eyes swept across the living space.
It was quaint and meticulously clean, the kitchen painted a cheery yellow with an assortment of glass and clay cows decorating an array of shelves. The appliances were surprisingly old-fashioned, the oven a brick block set deep in the wall, the fridge bright white with chipped handles. The table was seated for two, making it clear that it was only Isaac and his mother who lived here.
I turned to face him and hadn’t expected him to be right there behind me. We jolted, but not before I got a mouth-full of his scent, tainting my senses. Again, I felt that mixture of fear and excitement at the smell of his blood, knowing now what it meant. Commanding myself to focus, I watched him cross the kitchen and pick up a blue mug with a tea bag string dangling over the side. I took a soft whiff of the air and detected the aroma of green tea with pomegranate flavorings. I watched his mouth descend on the cup and he took a small sip, wincing when he found it too hot to taste, before replacing it on the wood countertop.
“So?” he asked abruptly.
I blinked several times before answering. “Isaac… I think we both know—I mean, what you and me—I guess, well.” I stopped, realizing I was making no sense at all. He was watching my struggle with one raised eyebrow before he saved me from embarrassing myself further.
“Slow down, Sophia,” He laughed softly for a moment before continuing. “I’m sorry that I might have freaked you out in the woods today. I think I came on a tad strong.”
“Ya’ think?” I snapped, remembering the fear I had felt at him knowing about Jasmine.
“Listen, I was just kind of panicked, is all.”
“Why were you panicked?”
He stopped short, just staring at me. Then, blowing softly on the tea the steam ruffled by his breath, he smiled at me. I get what you’re trying to say, but the structure doesn’t seem right. “I don’t think that’s what you came here to figure out.” His eyes glinted in the dim lighting and I felt my breath catch in my throat.
“No, that’s not what I came here for,” I said firmly, blinking several times and looking away to my feet.
“Thought not,” he said quietly, finally taking a sip of his tea and this time coming away without wincing. He was still all smiles and mockery-glinted eyes. It was hard to take him seriously and I suddenly felt stupid. What if my assumptions were wrong? What if this was just some kid off the street messing with my mind?
And yet, deep down, my vampire senses were telling me a different story. This innocent-looking kid with the handsome cover wasn’t all smirks and teasing. He was something dangerous and it made my stomach twinge with the urge to flee.
“Isaac, please. I know what you are and its clear you know what I am. Just tell me what’s going on and then I can leave.”
Isaac’s face grew stony. “I’m not the one to tell you anything. It’s not my place.”
I felt my body go cold and my frustration rise. This wasn’t going how I had planned. “Then why have you been bugging me for the past few weeks if it’s not your place to tell me why?” I failed at trying to hide my aggravation and I saw the corner of his mouth twitch.
But it seemed he was better at hiding his emotions for his face stayed placid. “My role in this was to get information from you. That was all.”
“From me? Why me?”
He shook his head. “Again, not my place.” Just then, his jaw tensed and I watched him cock his head slightly to the left. I did the same and detected the soft rustle of wings.
“Dammit Greg!” Isaac suddenly shouted in rage, and I jumped in fright. He was no longer the seventeen-year-old boy with the dimpled grin. He seemed to grow in stature and, suddenly, a golden glint entered his blue eyes, staining them brown. His shoulders became hunched and I saw his legs bend at an odd angle.
It was then that I realized what was going on.
He was changing!
I barely made it out of the kitchen before another kid swooped in front of me, shaved head giving him a menacing appeal in the florescent lighting. It was then that I realized it was the same boy from the woods when I had first encountered Isaac. “Where do you think you’re going, girlie?” He grinned at me, flashing teeth pointed and dirty white Maybe “flashing, dirty white teeth pointed”?, reminding me of the time I had seen the exact same teeth present in Isaac’s mouth.
I spun away from him and met Isaac head-on, back to his normal self.
“Greg, stop it.” I then noticed the commanding tone of Isaac’s voice and glanced up at him, perplexed. I watched Greg waver, thinking about disobeying, but then thought better of it. He took a step away from me and I watched as his teeth squared off and became the normal white of humans.
“Sorry, Isaac. Some of us don’t have as much control around her type as others do.” Greg’s voice betrayed more than just an apology—it was more like a jab—and Isaac felt it like a physical blow, grimacing at Greg’s words.
“I’ll try to remember that next time she comes over.” Isaac’s voice was icy and held a threat that made Greg retreat. But not before flashing another sinister smile my way.
And then he was gone before I could blink; the only indicator that he was there being a long black raven’s feather drifting towards the carpet.
“Sorry about that, Sophia. Greg knows better than that.”
All I could do was nod, shocked into silence, my knees weak. I could barely make it to the kitchen table before collapsing into the closest chair, hands clenched into fists. Isaac watched me over the rim of his mug, eyes penetrating, probing, and annoying me into a fit of rage.
“Will you stop it already!” I barked, glaring at him from across the kitchen.
He just shrugged. “I told you already that I was sorry.”
“Oh sure, sorry that a fully-grown Soren almost attacked me in your kitchen while you weren’t even strong enough to control your urge to transform. Oh yeah, I can forgive that.” I noticed then that I was breathing heavily and that my head felt light. I must have given my vampire senses a whirl if they were making me weak.
It was then that I heard the laughter, bubbling freely from Isaac’s mouth like lava erupting from a volcano. How dare he laugh at me! I thought in resentment, quickly standing from the table and swiftly making my way towards the door.
Before I could touch the door handle Isaac was there, gently touching my upper arm with his hot fingers that felt like silk Maybe change word order or structure? It doesn’t seem to flow quite right.. I paused and met his gaze. “Sophia, I know you came here to get answers, but I can’t give them to you. All I can tell you is that Jasmine knows we’re here. And she knows what we want from her. If you wanna help, try to convince her to contact us. Please.”
I stared at him for a moment before shaking my head. “You’re crazy. Do you really think I believe all this?” I stepped out of his touch. “Isaac, I’m sorry, but this all too much. I’m sorry I came here.”
And before he could say another word, I was out of his house and into the fresh night air.
I didn’t have enough energy to mull over anything. My head was pounding to a rhythm all its own and all I could think of was fresh, human blood. I needed to feed.
Now.
I quickly made my way back to town and searched frantically for a victim. I zeroed on to a man around the age of forty, trotting home from work, briefcase in hand. I needed him. I felt my desire rising, my incisors growing, and I made my move, stepping into his path.
“Oh my,” he started at my sudden appearance, halting in his tracks. He went to speak again, but I cut in with my mind. You must come with me. Come with me now. It’s urgent. You will obey. He shook his head, as if under a fog after I released him and then saw me in a new light. His eyes clouded over with submission, dropping his briefcase at his feet. I led him into a dirty alleyway, stray cats mewing pathetically. I didn’t pay them any mind. All that I was consumed with was the hot, delicious blood flowing through the man’s veins.
When we were far enough inside, I didn’t wait for formalities. I had waited too long. My thirst was driving me beyond clarity of thought. I dug my fangs deep into his neck, bursting the main artery. Blood rushed forth, filling my mouth, staining my lips. He struggled, let out a small cry, and then was still, the life already gone from him.
I laid him on the ground and sated my taste until I felt drugged, heavy with fatigue. I sat beside him and traced the lines in his face with my eyes. He was a family man, a father of two intelligent twin boys. His wife was beautiful in that homemaker way and he had been planning to stop by to buy her flowers from the florist next door. It was her birthday and her sons had planned a surprise party.
All that had ended when I had decided to take his life.
Yet, what I should feel—guilt, agony, regret, fear—was nonexistent. I had no pain at this man’s death; I had no blame. He had paid his worth by satisfying my needs. He did his job. He was only another human to sate my never-ending quest for fulfillment by means of fresh blood.
“Sophia?”
I looked up slowly, still drugged from the heavy amount of blood I had consumed. Michael stood in a halo of light at the mouth of the alleyway, eyeing me curiously. His lips were bright red from the blood he had taken and I spotted a hint of lipstick near the collar of his shirt. I stared pointedly at it and Michael shrugged. “I decided to have a little fun before feeding.” He smiled, recalling the moment.
I shook my head and stood shakily to my feet. “Let’s go home.”
[/spoiler]


So sorry I took so long to answer your PM about the rewrite. There was this conference at my dad's job and I had to help with translation and stuff, and only now am I finally having the time to sit down and get back to my stuff. Heh.

Anywayy, grammar stuff aside, this was definitely a better chapter. You did say, though, you wanted to add more to Isaac's personality, but what you showed still seems lacking. I mean it's good, but it doesn't tell us all that much about him, you know?
Still, though, I have no problem with that, as long as getting to know him is something progressive. Heh.

Now I am off to catch up with twenty-one.

»Sam.

Well hiya, Ash! What better way for me to return home than to have two of your chapters lined up ready to read? And we start off with such a great one too!! (:

I can't tell you enough how much of an improvement this chapter is. You don't throw mounds of information at us all in one go and you let us take in and understand this little part that you have shown us in this chapter. Great job, Ash and I can't wait to read on and find out about the other stuff you took out of this chapter =D. I have a few small nit-picks for you and I have to apologise if they have been repeated as I was too lazy to go through the other reviews .

I know what you are and its clear you know

Apostrophe is needed here: it's.

It was then that I realized what was going on.
He was changing!

I think this should remain as one line as I don't really think it works as two - too choppy.

I barely made it out of the kitchen before another kid swooped in front of me, his shaved head giving him a

My head was pounding to a rhythm all of its own

So nit-picks aside this chapter was a vast improvement, Ash, great job!! (: I am now off to read your next chapter...
--Lucy-lu xx