You're It (Chapter 2) *rewritten/edited*

*I have finally finished rewriting this chapter, and I am proud to say, it is completely new. Enjoy and tear it apart nicely! -youreit*

Chapter 2

“No way! You have got to be joking!” Kale’s eyes had to be at least the size of grapefruits by now, if not pumpkins.

“I’m dead serious.”

“So you’re like, famous?”

I laughed. “Nah. But people get impressed when I tell them.”

“So now you’re trying to impress me?”

“Very funny. No, it’s just easier to fool people who don’t know me.”

“You lied?”

“Um, yeah. Do you seriously think I would get picked to write for Time magazine?”

“Well, no, I suppose. But the way you said it made it really believable.”

I bowed to an imaginary crowd. “Thank, you’re too kind.”

He grinned. “So should we maybe, I don’t know, finish this?”

I glanced down at the forgotten worksheet in front of me. “Oh yeah. Thanks for reminding me.”

“Anytime. So, what’d you get for number one?”

“Hey! You can’t copy all your answers from me! Unless you let me copy yours sometime…”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

“Awesome. But you’re going to wish you hadn’t done that. I suck at science, and rumor has it, we have a hundred-question worksheet to do today." I grinned. "With partners.”

“What?! That’s not cool. This one only has ten!”

“No take backs. And besides, I’m being your friend. That’s got to be worth at least ninety questions.”

He laughed. “Alright. So, number one?”

I grinned. “C.”


Half an hour later, I was in math class staring at the back of Max’s head. His dark mocha curls were falling on his smooth tan neck in just the right place, making me want to reach out and stroke them. He shifted in his seat, and my eyes became fixated on his muscular shoulders. Oh, how it would feel to rub his sore back after a rough football practice. Mmm…

My thoughts were interrupted by a sharp movement near my left foot. I slipped my tiny foot out of my flip-flop and picked up the skillfully folded piece of paper with my pedicured toes, depositing it in my bag. About thirty seconds later, I pulled the bag into my lab and pretended to be rummaging desperately for a pencil, while I was truthfully reading the note.

You're beautiful.

I looked around, searching in vain for the sender of the note. Could it have even been meant for me? Why would any guy call me beautiful. I wasn’t special. I had long hair that always either fell limp or frizzed up, short stubby nails, and eyes that were neither blue nor green, but rather somewhere in the middle. I never wore make-up because not only did I not own any, but I also didn’t have the slightest clue as to how to put the stuff on.

The idea of a guy thinking I was beautiful consumed me for the rest of the class period, and when the bell rang, I looked down in surprise to find that I hadn’t written any of the notes down.

“Do you want to borrow mine?” I jumped, startled by the musical voice that I instantly recognized as Max’s.

“S-sure,” I stuttered.

He grinned and handed me his notebook. “You can give it back to me tomorrow.

I nodded speechlessly and reverently tucked it into my bag. “Thanks,” was all I could manage to choke out.

“No problem. I’ll see you around, Lauren.” He gracefully swept out of the classroom and left me to stare after him for a minute, wondering if I had simply dreamed this moment. Not only did he know my name, he was willing to do favors for me, too!

Could it have been him who slipped me the note? No. That wasn’t possible. No matter what Kenzie said, it was impossible for a guy like him to like someone like me. Or was it?

I frowned. Of course he didn’t like me; he could choose any girl from our entire grade, and maybe even the grade above us, if he wanted to. How was I different? I wasn’t. And I doubted that I ever would be. But maybe…

I shook my head, attempting to erase all thoughts of the note from my mind, but failed. Stubbornly, I fumbled for my stuff and made my way out of the classroom, unwilling to think about what had just happened.

Hey! Cynara here ready to give my little opinion. Ok, lets start.

First of all, I think youre going a little bit too fast (my opinion). In the first chapter you made clear that she liked Max, and that Kale was cute, but she didnt like him. So I dont get very well how suddenly she blurts out that she likes him. Also, isnt she aiming to get Max?

Aside those little things that confuse me. I like the story. And I'll keep my eye open for the next chapter.


Good luck!

Okay, I agree, I also think this is going a lot too quick. Your chapters are 1 or 2 pages long, but it seems like you're already halfway through the story.

First of all, the prologue gave away that Lauren liked Kale as a little kid, but not too much, and that she thought he was "cute". But unless there was a long and memorable part of the childhood that we missed involving being best friends or whatever, then I don't think there should have been nearly this big of a reaction. And if there was something bigger between them than just the prologue's story in their past, then you need to incorporate something of that before you spring something like this on us, because we're not sure why they reacted this way. If that's the case, then it doesn't need to be something big, but it does need to be there: like Lauren looking through her old scrapbook or a picture on her nightstand of Kale and her as little kids, and Lauren thinking about how much she misses him and loved him back then, and wondering what he'd be like now and if they'd still be friends. Maybe have her get mad because she forgot his name or something (thus why she doesn't remember the Kale from school...) And if not, you seriously need to put something in to make it work better. Maybe have Kale's mom home when they get to his house and she recognizes Lauren before Kale does, or Lauren sees a picture of herself on his wall. Or something.

Second, I know we're supposed to like Lauren, and I do, it's just... with this whole I-just-found-you-and-yet-here-we-are-sitting-on-your-bed-kissing thing, it sort of makes her seem a little... slutty. Fast, you know? Plus it's like Cynara pointed out, she was head-over-heels with this Max kid, and all of the sudden is he just--poof!--gone to Lauren? When you do get to the point where Lauren recognizes Kale, it could be something like he kisses her suddenly or vise versa, and the other one pushes pushes them off, appalled. Or maybe it's really awkward and hard to concentrate once they figure it out. Or maybe Lauren freaks out a bit and runs home. It can't just be they knew each other as kids, she saw him from school, and suddenly 'ooh, we're in love'. Things take time. They don't even know each other anymore, remember?

My suggestion: Save this section of your writing. The writing itself is fine, you have managed to keep your use of voice running smoothly and consistently, and your style is as nice as it was in the prologue and chap. 1. But this is totally out of line and sudden and rushed, and it makes the reader go, "What?!" and roll their eyes. So before you incorporate this installment--the realizing, the kissing, the blahblahblah--get to know the characters. We barely know Lauren at all, much less Max, Kale, or any of Lauren's friends. Spend a few chapters at home with Lauren and her family, in school with her friends, in class--is she book smart?, having a conversation with Max--is it pleasant/successful or awkward/embarrassing?, and with Kale.

Actually have them start the project and instead of Lauren realizing who Kale is, have her actually start to like him for who he is now! Or have her get frustrated by him! However she really feels about Kale who she has only known since he moved to her high school, not Kale who she was friends with as a kid. If she starts liking Kale, have her in denial a bit, trying to still like Max even though now that she's met Kale, she starts to see Max's faults, like he is shallow and full of himself and selfish. Or what if Max actually asks her out on a date, but she turns him down to be with Kale, and that's when she realizes that she really likes Kale and not Max, and soon after they figure out who they are to each other?

I'm just throwing ideas out, you don't have to take these exact ones, but do something, okay? Because I know you have potential for a great romance story here, you're a talented writer, but rushing things makes your whole story sag. At a pace like this you might be finished with your novel in 3 or 4 more pages. But work at it, you can do it! Because I am excited to read more of your story, you just got to work out some kinks. Keep it up, you're a great writer!

I love it!!! Now, just to make something clear, she can't just tell him straight away that she loves him! I'd suggest an awkward silence as the two of them look at anything but each other, and she'd bring up memories and then giggle "you were cute when you were little!" and he'd grin, "you know, I had the craziest crush on you," at this point her heart accelerates and then, maybe, they'd kiss. Sorry, but I'm not for kissing at an early stage with no other reason but the fact you used to like him once upon a time. Maybe she should think about things he did at school, like how he was always nice to everyone and how having him was so much more realistic than dating Max. By the way, no self respecting man [boy, at this case] would let a girl hold his head like that when he's not completely devastated... it's a pride thing, I guess. So, all in all, I do not think they're going too fast, maybe just the kiss, but that can be edited out, your call. I like most of those bands too! But there were a few I've never even heard of.
I like this story!!!!! PM me for the next chapter please!!! Oh, and how old are they? saying 'text me' works if you're aiming for 12-15 but any older than that and it's a real stretch.
Hope I managed to help ^ ^
ofir

Hi me again!
I thought the same way. I found that it was going WAY to fast. I was really confused and wasn't sure what was happening. But I did find it cute and romantic. But I thought she liked Max?? I was just confused about that. But I'm going to go read the third chapter and see what I think.

wait. what? so lauren likes max -- she thinks he's really hot. now all of a sudden kale's gorgeous blue eyes are reeling her in just like that? and now she's "cradling his head in her hands" and they're kissing on the bed? whoaa whoa whoa. time out. i really liked the first chapter, although it was pretty short. but it seems that this story is moving waaay too fast. perhaps slowing it down a bit so we can get a better sense of who lauren is and the obviously bipolar emotions she has for max and kale.

the story's great..but it's moving too fast

keep up the writing!

--shyla

This chapter has been completely rewritten. Thank you to all of you whose reviews helped me so much! Enjoy!

Hey there!!! youreit (get it?) Anyway (back to planet earth), congratulations! This chapter was really good and I can see you're taking the advice and going more smoothly, which is good. I did notice some errors... like missed commas and periods where there should be commas and maybe a misspelled word...I think, but aside those tiny things it was great and for that I give you a...(drum-roll please) GOLD STAR!!!

Please pm me when the next chapters up. I can hardly wait!
~Cy

Hey there! I'm so incredibly sorry that this took so long but I was just hugely busy until now. So here I am, and here we go! I'll try not to nit-pick every single tiny thing, but I'll point out the things that I find are important. But anyways, I've wasted enough time so on with the review; for real this time!

Nit-Picks

“Thank, you’re too kind.”

Should be 'Thanks' or 'Thank you'.

About thirty seconds later, I pulled the bag into my lab and pretended to be rummaging desperately for a pencil, while I was truthfully reading the note.

Should be 'lap'.

“You can give it back to me tomorrow.

You need another quotation mark after this.

Whoa. I tried and tried to find more, but those were all I could come up with, and they were only typos! Awesome job!

Characters

So far, your characters are not very developed at all, and that's not good. In your first chapter, you need to introduce us. Right now, we don't know anything about them, we don't even know who she was talking to in the first part. (Except for the part where you put his name in there, but that's sort of meaningless to us now.) Remember, dialogue is great, but you really need some description in there.

By putting description in your story, you're not only helping us know what's going on, you're also building your characters. Making us understand them, sympathize with them, and care about them as much as we do. But without that, it just falls flat, and you don't want that.

Other

I would have named this section 'Description', but I sort of already talked about that up there. But there's not much else I have to say, except extremely good job in writing this! Even though you need some more description and character development, it's moving along strongly and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Make sure you let me know when the next chapter's up. I'm so excited to read it!

Good luck with finishing it, and again I can't say how sorry I am that this took so long. I guess November has been busy! (Then again, that's not really a good excuse. ) But I better get going. See you around!

~ Trish