Welcome, Storm

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
polishing the grass-blades
until they throw light around like
children.

You emerge.
Dancing across mirrors;
skirt shimmering in the breeze
and the sunlight.

The flowers smile and
you wave at them in
nonchalance; anthropocentric
as you float through their vision:
pretty little stick in a river.

Freeze!

like a photograph while I
tear you to shreds with my eyes,

and crush your heart with my fingertips.

Skies bruise and crack and shatter into
shards of glass that fall to the earth
to eat your skin. You’re naked,
eyes wide like windows.
You’re ugly.

The clouds explode and collapse
to the ground, on top of you.
Silhouettes twitch and fester in the inkiness.
You’re afraid.

Night falls like an ocean
and kidnaps your shadow.
You’re alone.

Whitest flags ripple in the breeze.
Acquiesce! Acquiesce.
Ugly. Alone. Afraid.

Asleep.

...

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
sharpening the grass-blades
until they cut apart the feet of
children.

I’ll keep the photographs until
you stand on them,

until we meet again.

Hey there!

-Well, first thing's first. You wrote a poem, while breaking all the rules. You wrote fourteen stanzas, all having different number of lines. Each stanza has to have the same number of lines. For example, two stanzas with four lines each. Or ten stanzas with five lines each. You have to rewrite this so each stanza has the same number of lines.

-Second, this poem was just a bit confusing. I think it's because a few lines didn't make much sense.

"Freeze! like a photograph while I

tear you to shreds with my eyes," is one of the few.

Besides those two flaws, very nicely done. PM me if you need anything.
*winie*

I don't agree with the above review (no offense, Winie! ) Yes, poetry does have "rules" to follow, that help keep things in check and are good basic guidelines. But it's also very fun to break those rules, and doing so can lead to a lot of great fun, and good writing. ^^

Having even meter (also called "free verse") is about as important as having rhyme. You need it or you don't need it, depending on the poem.

Anyway. Although you don't need meter, I definitely think you ought to work on the flow of your stanzas. Try to put line breaks where it feels natural, where you feel like taking a breath.

I also don't really get what this poem is about. Try and make it more clear exactly who the narrator is, and who he/she/it is talking about, kay?

Freeze!



like a photograph while I

tear you to shreds with my eyes,



and crush your heart with my fingertips.



Skies bruise and crack and shatter into

shards of glass that fall to the earth

to eat your skin. You’re naked,

eyes wide like windows.

You’re ugly.

That was the most powerful part of the poem. You really got some butt-kicking imagery there.

Keep writing!

-Hawkie-

Right maate I know im new but it seems I have to review something so I will review this.
First of all most of this didnt make no sense I know this may sound real n00bish but you used too many big words and I believe that for an effective poem to work you need to use efficient simple descriptions and then throw off a big word once in a while to keep the reader on there toes. In the quotation below I have pointed out things I like and dont so give them a read and I hope I helped.

erratik_statik wrote:Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
polishing the grass-blades
until they throw light around like children.
Didnt understand that what do you mean by they throw light around like children and the halogen hemisphere bit is a lil confusing


You emerge.
Dancing across mirrors;
skirt shimmering in the breeze
and the sunlight.
liked that lil stanza there

The flowers smile and
you wave at them in
nonchalance; anthropocentric
as you float through their vision:
pretty little stick in a river.
right didnt get that like i said buddy try not use these huge complicated words and you used a few descriptions there that were a little
Freeze!

like a photograph while I
tear you to shreds with my eyes,

and crush your heart with my fingertips.
Right i liked that lil bit with her being frozen in time like a picture
Skies bruise and crack and shatter into
shards of glass that fall to the earth
to eat your skin. You’re naked,
eyes wide like windows.
You’re ugly.
Again i like the idea of the sky shattering and falling to earth but again the simplicity is not there for idiots like me to understand
The clouds explode and collapse
to the ground, on top of you.
Silhouettes twitch and fester in the inkiness.
You’re afraid.
again a little confusing

Night falls like an ocean
and kidnaps your shadow.
You’re alone.
the night falls like an ocean bit made no sense you could have said something along the lines of
the sun sets as the ocean waves cover the sands
covers your soul
your alone
Whitest flags ripple in the breeze.
Acquiesce! Acquiesce.
Ugly. Alone. Afraid.
Again a bit
Asleep.

...

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
sharpening the grass-blades
until they cut apart the feet of
children.
right i liked this lil last bit tying in with the start of the poem and the scene shown in a negative light

I’ll keep the photographs until
you stand on them,
cool lil bit there meaning you will keep the photographs until she appears again im guessing

until we meet again.

Right mate i think the advice i can give you is keep writing and try keeping it simple man i would love to see you do a simple version of this piece as i think it could be quit beast.

That was beautiful. I do not know if I can accurately say anything about this powerful poem

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
polishing the grass-blades
until they throw light around like
children.

You emerge.
Dancing across mirrors;
skirt shimmering in the breeze
and the sunlight.

The flowers smile and
you wave at them in
nonchalance; anthropocentric
as you float through their vision:
pretty little stick in a river.

This part feels so happy! then suddenly-

Freeze!

like a photograph while I
tear you to shreds with my eyes,

and crush your heart with my fingertips.

Skies bruise and crack and shatter into
shards of glass that fall to the earth
to eat your skin. You’re naked,
eyes wide like windows.
You’re ugly.

The clouds explode and collapse
to the ground, on top of you.
Silhouettes twitch and fester in the inkiness.
You’re afraid.

Night falls like an ocean
and kidnaps your shadow.
You’re alone.

Whitest flags ripple in the breeze.
Acquiesce! Acquiesce.
Ugly. Alone. Afraid.

Asleep.

You are so unprepared to deal with the crushing grief! Then a bright new day dawns-

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
sharpening the grass-blades
until they cut apart the feet of
children.

I’ll keep the photographs until
you stand on them,

until we meet again.

But the innocence was ruined.

That was beautiful. I do not know if I can accurately say anything about this powerful poem

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
polishing the grass-blades
until they throw light around like
children.

You emerge.
Dancing across mirrors;
skirt shimmering in the breeze
and the sunlight.

The flowers smile and
you wave at them in
nonchalance; anthropocentric
as you float through their vision:
pretty little stick in a river.

This part feels so happy! then suddenly-

Freeze!

like a photograph while I
tear you to shreds with my eyes,

and crush your heart with my fingertips.

Skies bruise and crack and shatter into
shards of glass that fall to the earth
to eat your skin. You’re naked,
eyes wide like windows.
You’re ugly.

The clouds explode and collapse
to the ground, on top of you.
Silhouettes twitch and fester in the inkiness.
You’re afraid.

Night falls like an ocean
and kidnaps your shadow.
You’re alone.

Whitest flags ripple in the breeze.
Acquiesce! Acquiesce.
Ugly. Alone. Afraid.

Asleep.

You are so unprepared to deal with the crushing grief! Then a bright new day dawns-

Another day dawns.
Halogen hemisphere,
sharpening the grass-blades
until they cut apart the feet of
children.

I’ll keep the photographs until
you stand on them,

until we meet again.

But the innocence was ruined.

I like this piece very much. It' riveting .