You Soft and Lonely/You Lost and Lonely II

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5404
Reviews 97
Saturday mornings are always the quietest. Everyone takes a break from the work and lounge sandwiched between their bed for a couple of extra hours, takes no interest in the buzzes of the alarm or the risen of the sun. For me, on the contrary, today stars of reflecting the beginning of the day before: Waking while the sunlight slept, getting dressed and presentable (double checking that my mop of a head didn't look too much of a catastrophe), and walking out of my front door and stepping onto the ground that kissed and aligned with the horizon sun, and heading west to approach the school building.

On the walk to school, I thought of Willow and pondered on how important today was going to be for her. We planned on pacing the local boardwalk from the sun mirroring itself in the body of water until the disappearing of the brightness of the sky and water.

"There is something about lakes, and water as a whole." she said. "No matter at what time of day, hot or cold, or whatever is placed in it, the components of water will always stay H2O. This is a way I see our relationship; any time of day, romantic or platonic, placed in any kind of situation, we will always remain the same. We are water."

I imagined her sitting at the dock, legs swinging above the lake, feeding ducks bread crumbs and she laughing at them nipping at her little fingers, and I smiled a broad grin to myself. Now reaching the school, day-dreaming of Willow had soon to be put to a hault.

It feels awkward and strange wandering about the school. It is mostly deserted, apart from working staff members. The hallway stood hollow and the sound of my foot steps projected even feet away. I visioned this would be wondering; having private time with the best looking woman in the school, her green eyes locked on mine, she possibly telling me of how she doesn't have a husband, and whispering in my ear of how she doesn't like being alone while stoking the back of my neck. My hormones often get the best of me.

Reality soon smashed against me as hard as an equation when I'd entered the door. The lights only half as bright from the last time being here, and desks looking cleaner and more organized than ever. This will not be anything like I had fantasized, and the best thing coming from this could be getting at least a passing grade on the next test. Willow may have been right, choosing to come to school on a Saturday morning might have been a dumb decision.

"Nice to see you have stayed true to your word, Mr. Braun." Ms. Haven said from behind her desk, picking up her head from a pile of work after the sound of the door creaking open hit her eardrum.

"Yeah," I chuckled. I wanted to up until now, I thought.

Ms. Haven looked at me oddly. "Oh, you didn't bring any of your stuff with you" she said.

I quickly grabbed at the imaginary backpack slung onto my shoulder. "I did not think I had to."

She sighed. "It is all right. My mistake for not telling you." she said, angling her head back down at the stack of papers.

"Woah. Am I actually going to be doing that much work for me to need my backpack in the first place?" I asked, nearing closer to her and choosing a desk to be seated in.

"More like going over a lot of work." Ms. Haven replied. "Did you believe it was just going to be the two of us alone chatting with one another?" an eyebrow curiously raised.

"Basically," I joked, grinning at how unaware she was of how much truth the statement held.

"Well, I am sorry to have mislead you, Mr. Braun." she smirked.

Wishing not to get onto the topic of tutoring, I swiftly asked "Back to calling me Mr. Braun? I was getting used to h ear you say my first name."

Ms. Haven paused for a few seconds and replied. "D'you prefer being called Wyatt?"

"Of course," I said. "I'm sixteen. Since you're a teacher wouldn't you prefer to be called by Haven and not Angelika?"

Ms. Haven quickly froze, not sure of what to say. "H-h-how do you know my first name?" she stuttered, questioning me.

Then turning a slight shade of pink, "It's on my class schedule." I replied.

She exhaled, relieved. "Oh," she said. "You know, you're a lot less shy and a lot more outspoken now than you are in class."

I shrugged at this being partially right. "I'm actually not a very shy person, really. I just don't care much for talking to people I'm not interested in becoming friends with, I guess. Why let everyone know who you are if you are only their acquaintance?"

Ms. Haven stared at me with a look that shown that she related to what I had said. Her face looks vulnerable, like she has true emotions, insights, and beliefs dug deep down inside of the person she wants to cover up and hide. In this moment, Ms. Haven resembles an ordinary person. Though remaining striking, she looks of one more tied down to earth, and more realistic.

Looking back at her brilliant face, I started to think of her as Angelika, a person. Not Ms. Haven, the incredible looking math teacher that made my heart race, but a human that, even though it may not be apparent, has emotions and a soul. I knew that what I yearned to say the most would either make her open up and allow me to enter into her mind that she keeps so secretive, or build even higher iron gates around herself, wishing to keep everyone else even more far and distant.

My heart beating fast, not giving a care for my conscience's thought precautions, I long to make that plunge. I'll deal with whatever I must after taking this risk. "Why do you tend to set yourself apart from people surrounding you, Angelika?"

Eyes enlarged and a skeptical glare placed on her face, she replied. "Wyatt, I am your teacher."

"That doesn't mean-"

"Yes, it does!" her voice raised, I had obviously struck a nerve.

I don't know why Angelika insists on having no one get to know who she is on such a drastic level. Maybe she's hiding something beneath those ravish eyes. Perhaps this was her way of keeping her professional and private life separate. Though, if she truly does not care much for me learning of the real Angelika Haven, why does she seem to care for me? Inviting me here in the the first place, she could just fail me, asking of why my mouth glues shut during the hour and forty-five minutes of her class period, and wondering whether or not I like being referred to as Wyatt over Mr. Braun. It became clear to me. Crystal clear. Angelika Haven does care for me, as I do for her. Only having a rougher time accepting the way she feels, for like she had said, she is "My teacher."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1173
Reviews 23
Hey Kiki.

On the whole i must say i enjoyed your story. It' a sweet little romance that i think has potential.

I would say, however, that you need to be careful with some of your spelling and grammar.

E.G.
For me, on the contrary, today stars of reflecting the beginning of the day before


It doesn't make sence. I assume you meant that it to read something like, "For me, on the contrary, today is when I start reflecting on the day before". I assume it was just a typo.

Also:
day-dreaming of Willow had soon to be put to a hault
would maybe read better as, "my day dreams of Willow would soon have to be put on hold."

Other than that i thought it was fine.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2154
Reviews 119
Hello again, Roon here! So I’m onto chapter 2, which has also proved a nice read! Again with the nitpicking I’m afraid though. Here goes, but again, I really did like this.

Everyone takes a break from the work and lounge sandwiched between their bed

I don’t like this, “everyone takes a break from work” no the. Secondly, you have to be sandwiched between two things, although I get where you’re coming from, you could say bed sheets?

the risen of the sun.

This doesn’t make sense I’m afraid, “rising” I think you may mean, or “the risen sun” just a thought.

today stars of reflecting the beginning of the day before:

Are you saying that his day starts off with him thinking about the day before? You need to be more clear here.

kissed and aligned with the horizon sun,

What?

"There is something about lakes, and water as a whole." she said. "No matter at what time of day, hot or cold, or whatever is placed in it, the components of water will always stay H2O. This is a way I see our relationship; any time of day, romantic or platonic, placed in any kind of situation, we will always remain the same. We are water."

This makes me like Willow even more! Well done!

and she laughing at them nipping at her little fingers

This isn’t phrased properly.

day-dreaming of Willow had soon to be put to a hault.

Halt, also, you say he doesn’t like her… is this going somewhere? No don’t tell me, I will find out by reading it!

awkward and strange

Strange is superfluous

The hallway stood hollow

All hallways are hollow, you mean empty.

and the sound of my foot steps projected even feet away

This doesn’t really make sense, but I know what you’re trying to say.

I visioned

I had envisioned this to be…

she possibly telling me of how she doesn't have a husband, and whispering in my ear of how she doesn't like being alone while stoking the back of my neck. My hormones often get the best of me.

“She would possibly tell me of how she doesn’t have a husband, and whisper in my ear that she doesn’t like to be alone, while stroking the back of my neck”

Reality soon smashed against me as hard as an equation when I'd entered the door.

Funny! I like it!

The lights only half as bright from the last time being here

The lights were only half as bright as the last time I was here

"I did not think I had to."

Just say I didn’t think I had to.

h ear you say my first name."

Hearing you say

"H-h-how do you know my first name?" she stuttered, questioning me.

It’s not too hard to find out a teachers name! She wouldn't be so surprised.

You know, you're a lot less shy and a lot more outspoken

They both mean basically the same thing.


with a look that shown that she related to what I had said.

With a look that showed me that she had related to what I’d said.

like she has true emotions, insights, and beliefs dug deep down inside of the person she wants to cover up and hide.

Everyone has true emotions, and everyone hides them. You make her seem like a robot.

but a human that, even though it may not be apparent, has emotions and a soul.

again she wasn’t really presented as an ice queen in the first place!

My heart beating fast, not giving a care for my conscience's

Not caring, as I said in chapter one, you don’t say “I don’t give a care”.

"Why do you tend to set yourself apart from people surrounding you, Angelika?"

Would anyone be so upfront with a teacher, she wouldn’t really talk to students about personal problems.

"Yes, it does!" her voice raised, I had obviously struck a nerve.

I don’t think she would get so angry.

why does she seem to care for me?

He’s a student, teachers are there to help, he’s being naïve, or maybe that’s the point. I don’t know.

Angelika Haven does care for me, as I do for her.

I don’t think so, as she said, she’d never seen the side of him she had that day before, he is quiet in lessons, out of all the students in the school, why him?

Okay, I’m having trouble believing that a teacher would fall for a student she hasn’t really spoken to before. Also, girls/women don’t really go for younger guys, or not by that much at least, guys can go younger, but girls generally don’t. I don’t know whether you as a writer believe what he is saying, but I can’t believe it as a reader. Also, nothing could happen as she has a certain duty to fulfil as a teacher, you aren’t allowed relationships with students. Personally I don’t think that a relationship with his teacher, at least in this instance, would make a convincing plot. However, it this is just a crush and he ends up with Willow, it will add to the storyline. 16 really is very young, for any real relationship, she wouldn't think he was mature enough for her.

Apart from this, I thought it was a good read. I hope you don’t mind that my reviews are so detailed, I’m not trying to be mean, but if you’re offended in any way, then please let me know! I think this could pan out into a very good story. You should also consider introducing a few more characters soon.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading this, despite the criticism, which I hope is constructive for you, I really do like this!

~ Roon




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5404
Reviews 97
Of course the whole teacher-being-with-student is not believable. That's why I wanted to write about that sort of situation. As I continue the story, I will later on reveal why she would like a guy much younger than her, and why she would act on it.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2154
Reviews 119
Fair enough, I look forward to it!
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau



If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson