Carnival: Chapter One

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The sun had nearly set and although it had not grown completely dark yet the Carnival was already turning into a sickly neapolitan light fantasy. Gia only added to this as she lit the yellow and orange lamps that surrounded the entrance to her fortune telling tent. Her wrinkled hands were used to the heat the lamps quickly gained but she did not hold onto them for long. Next door to her Hokl was lighting his own lamps. He had had a long day. You did not have to be a fortune teller to know that he was not looking forward to the night ahead. His sighs gave that away quite clearly.

“Don’t worry,” Gia said, “I’m sure they won’t come back again.”

Of course she was lying. She knew fine well the Guards would be back within a month to tear down his stall and set ablaze his potions and remedies. That was the life though of a fortune teller: one of lies and deceit. Gia could never truly tell her customers what would happen to them. She had to wrap in it cotton wool or entail it in riddle. There were other times when all she could do was tell them what they wanted to hear otherwise all she would get was grief and no payment. Grief from the customer and grief from above.

Hokl had never done anything illegal. Not intentionally anyway. He was a bit of a dreamer. He liked to think it was possible to make potions that did anything; potions for eternal happiness, potions for true love, potions that could make you fly. That sort of thing. His potions were not completely unsuccessful. They provided some of the things he promised, just not all of them and not necessarily in the correct potion. He did not mean to hurt anyone but there had been a lot of complaints. The Guard had come down and giving him a good talking to. Hokl had tried desperately to stick up for himself. The Guard though had totally chopped him down to pieces, told him this was his final warning and left as if they had done nothing.

His stall was now left with a minimum variety in its stock. To liven up the now drab, nearly monotone, stall he caught some fireflies in jars and placed them every few bottles. Hokl loved fireflies. They were such an enigma, such a dream-like creature, similar to himself. He wished he could be admired.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” he told Gia. “I try so hard to please everyone and it just backfires.”
“Maybe that’s your problem. What’s keeping you here anywhere? You’re on a travelling contract. Give them a few weeks notice so they can make sure your space is filled, and then you can be away again. When you came here you said you just wanted to experience this place for a few months and then you’d be gone.” Gia was trying her hardest to send a warning in disguise.

Two years after arriving, and much to both Hokl and everyone else’s confusion, he was still here.
“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.”




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Especially because there is so little action in this story, you really need to beef it up with other things. Bring us a little closer to Gia, and allow us to get to know her better. Let us see her thoughts, her reasoning behind everything.

Then add the other senses. You have nice language for vision, but that’s it. What about the rest? Is it a cool evening? Can they hear grasshoppers? Use all five senses.

With your setting, you can easily set the mood for your story. Make it peaceful where the characters are. You have that already, but expand on it – make us feel completely at ease. Then add a feeling of mystery. A roller coaster you can’t completely see – a creaking old tree. Make it off in the distance and hint at the fact that something bad is something – then you can ditch the line ‘Gia was trying her hardest to send a warning in disguise.’.

Also, this is going to be continued, but that doesn’t mean you can just stop anywhere. You need a more complete ending. End on a cliff-hanger, a change of scene, a change of mood. Something. But don’t just stop – reading this feels like a jerk stop in a car.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415




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Hello! Basket here to review your work today, I hope you don't mind! Okay, so, my corrections/what I will be correcting will be in bold within the quotation boxes. Sound good? Great. Let's get started. :D



had not grown completely dark yet, the Carnival was already turning

Comma after "yet".
And unless the carnival's actual name is "Carnival", you can lowercase the "c". :)

Her wrinkled hands were used to the heat the lamps quickly gained, but she did not hold onto them for long.


Next door to her, Hokl was lighting his own lamps.


forward to the night ahead. His sighs gave that away quite clearly.

You can change this to:
"...forward to the night ahead; his sighs gave that away quite clearly."

That was the life though of a fortune teller:

"though" is unneeded. Nix that. :)

potions for eternal happiness, potions for true love, potions that could make you fly.

Here, you don't have to keep on repeating "potions". Keep the first one and nix the rest so it reads:
"...potions of eternal happiness, for true love, ones that can make you fly."

He wished he could be admired.

Random sentence. Maybe add, "like they were" after, to say he wanted to be admired as the fireflies were?


Hmm... this is very interesting...
Can't really quite give a good opinion on it yet, since it was kind of short...

It does seem like you know where this is going, unless you're good at BSing the stuff like I am. XD
Give us more emotion, in both the characters you mentioned. Give Gia a sense of pity for him, and give Hokl a sense of weariness about him. Also, explain the air around the Guards. They're cold hearted, it seemed, so tell the reader why.

Good job and keep up the good work.
If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please feel free to PM me. :)
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