I am

I am what I am, yet what I am no one knows or cares,
I am forsaken by my friends like a memory lost,
I am the self consumer of my woes,

I am fading from this world,
I am slowly walking away,
I am lost in time,

I am letting go of reality,
I am falling through nothing,
I am, left behind.














TuckEr EllsowrTh

Hi. This flows well.

I like;
"like a memory lost"
and
" self consumer of my woes".
These are interesting and fresh lines, beautifully worded.

I don't think the repetition of "I am" adds much to the poem.

Instead of using phrases like;
"walking away",

"I am letting go
I am falling
I am, left behind",

which have been used so often that they don't really suggest anything specific to the reader, I'd look more closely at the speaker. What is he/she letting go of, and what does that entail? Who/what is leaving them behind, and where are they being left? Try to get the details clear in your head, as the more clearly you can see it, the more clearly you can show it to your reader, and try looking outside of, rather than into, the speaker.The best thing you can do is read poetry. I'm really into Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes at the moment...a good thing to do is to get your hands on an anthology of poetry (you should get one no bother in your local library if you don't have one at home), because that will introduce you to a whole range of poets and styles and you can then pursue your favourites.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Hey!

I'm Hailey, and I'll be reviewing this poem today!! Here we go!:



Okay, There was only one little thing that I disliked about your poem, and that was the repetition of " I am". It's a good title, and maybe you could use it once for the idea of the poem, but maybe not to start each stanza of the poem. I see what you're trying to do, but just let the title take care of the idea of this lovely poem!! (Just and idea, If you really like the " I Am's", then don't take my advice!!)


Otherwise, this poem was really good! I loved how you had so much good, descriptive language In your poem such as: "Like a memory lost" and "...Fading from this world". That really drew my attention to this poem. "...Fading from this world" was definitely my favorite because, to me, It says a lot!

Good job, keep it up!!!


~*Hailey,<3

thanks jas

I will try to add a bit more discription in to my piece. and i will try to get that book.

thanks for the help haily, however what would you suggest instead of "i am"??



















TuckEr EllsworTh

thanks for all your guys help, i will work on my poem, but what do you suggest other than the repetition of I am?? i despertly need more critics, i am open to all ideas

ok. I understand your message that you wanted to put across, but this should be done using imagery and metaphors - not just telling us.



try to make it more of an interesting read by adding further description etc.
I liked this, despite what I have just said.
But it does need further work.

First I would just like to say that I think this poem has tons of potential. I am poems are my favorite type of poem, and I think you're off to a great start on this one.

But, the formatting could use a bit of work. This poem would go great as a couplet. In I am poems, the stanza will usually be started off with a line beginning with the words 'I am'. For example, here is the first line in a stanza from an I am poem I wrote for school last year:

I am a record,

Now, this poem was in couplet format, so there were only two lines in each stanza. In an I am poem, the next line should be something like this:

still being recorded.

So, put together, the stanza was this:

I am a record,
still being recorded.

For your poem, you already have the first stanza written, but it's put together on one line.

I am what I am, yet what I am no one knows or cares.

That is your first line, but to put it in true I am poem formatting, maybe try it like this:

I am what I am,
yet what I am no one knows or cares.

The second line of your poem can also be changed easily from this:

I am forsaken by my friends like a memory lost,

To this:

I am forsaken by my friends,
like a memory lost.

Try doing that for the whole poem. The rest of your lines in the poem are just 'I am this', or 'I am that', so you should try to add explanations to each, and make each line its own stanza. This will help get the poem to flow a bit better.

And lastly, in your poem you are using alot of commas. Maybe try reading the poem out loud, pausing where you put the commas. Then try rearranging the commas to make it sound better when read.

Again, I really like this poem, and I think that with these suggestions you can make it even better than it already is. Good luck, and feel free to PM me with any questions you may have!

Nice. Short but sweet. You could have done better. Try working on your rhythm, and write more and more poetry. It's just a thought.
But I like it. It shows your talent. You have potential, it's nice.
Beautiful. Keep it up.