"What do you "

" What do you "


What do you see ,

when you close your eyes ?

Are you with me ,

watching the sunrise .

What do you hear ,

when I whisper in your ear ?

Is it my voice ,

am I your only choice ?

What do you feel ,

when I touch your skin ?

Will you reveal ,

can I touch you again ?

What do you think ,

when I'm on your mind ?

Do you need a drink ,

or could I be refined ?
___________________________________________________________________

When I close my eyes ,

You are still there .

I want to hold you ,

but can't , it's unfair.

When I hear your voice,

I just want you more .

Your my choice ,

it's you I want to explore.

When I think about your touch,

I get excited and hot .

I miss it so much ,

more than a lot !

No matter where I am ,

or where you go .

It's you I want to exam,

all night slow ...

..............by R.M.D. ........6-29-2009

BowLove wrote:" What do you "


What do you see ,

when you close your eyes ?

Are you with me ,

[s]whatching[/s] (watching) the sunrise .

What do you hear ,

when I whisper in your ear ?

Is it my voice ,

am I really your choice ?

What do you feel ,

when I touch your skin ?

Can you reveal ,

can I touch you again ? (These two lines are my favorite!)

What do you think ,

when I'm on your mind ?

Do you need a drink ,

could I [s]really[/s] be so kind ?
___________________________________________________________________

When I close my eyes ,

You are still there .

I want to hold you ,

but can't , it's unfair.

When I hear your voice,

I just want you [s]even[/s] more .

But I still rejoice ,

Like an eagle will soar .

When I think about your touch,

I get exited (excited) & hot .

I miss it so much ,

more than a lot !

No matter where I am ,

or where you go .

I wish we could jam ,

all night slow ...

..............by R.M.D. ........6-29-2009

Wow, this was really good! Personally, though - and this is only my opinion - I think I'd nix the last half of the poem. I think the first half is so amazing and beautiful and full of emotion, and the second half feels more like you were trying to hard to rhyme.

Still, great job. :)

Ok this won't be much of a review, but here I go.

Like I have said before n & symbol, it ruins it when I am reading such beautiful work.

The only other thing that I have is that you have posted more than you have reviewed. You need to keep a 2:1 ratio on here.

Well that's all I got.

Keep Writing, and reviewing.

-Flower-

Hi Bow!

So! As I mentioned on your other poem, your punctuation is a bit off. No space before the punctuation mark, dear.

I think that this poem was pretty sweet, but some of the lines didn't make much sense. Again, here, you put rhyme first, and the message second. Your goal was to achieve a poem on this topic, and you've done that. But, have you done it in the best way possible?

I think that eliminating some of the lines such as those that don't suit to the poem and those that raise questions could be an easy way to remedy this poem. It's not bad, it's just that I feel that a poem like this could be better.

I do really like how you kept your lines short, and the rhythm that was used at the beginning. As the poem progressed, I feel like the rhythm was lost some.

Nice work though! Keep it up!

June

Hello there! Me again! I reviewed your last poem "I just want" and thought it was really cute. I like the repetition in your poems, so keep it up!

Okay, time to review:

Firstly, you miss-spelled "watching".

Secondly:


"What do you see ,



when you close your eyes ?



Are you with me ,



watching the sunrise ."


Try it out this way:

" What do you see (no comma)

When you close your eyes, (no question mark, instead try a comma here)

Are you with me ,

Watching the sunrise?" (Try a question mark here)


Other that that, I must state that I thought this poem was rather cute as well. You do a great job with repetition poems!! Hope I wasn't too harsh on the reviews!!

Keep it up!!

~*Hailey,<3

hi bowlove..

"what do i?"

well, i think it's nice. just watch out for grammar and spelling.
i think you should maintain the a-b-a-b type, or pattern.
like this:

What do you see , (a)

when you close your eyes ? (b)

Are you with me , (a)

watching the sunrise ? (b)

I want to hold you ,

but can't , it's unfair.

i really like this!..


~above all, it was not bad. keep it up.

~if you have something to say, feel free to pm me.