The Beginning

2 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 2
Chapter One - JASON
My fingers ran slowly over his soft arms. Still warm, it felt as though the blood hadn't yet stopped flowing, and yet there was no doubt he was gone. The light coming through the curtains was fading into the deeper navy it became as the sun disappeared. The ocean of blood spilling from his head continued to flow, as I sat with half of his body resting on top of mine.
I knew I’d have to leave soon. I could almost imagine the neighbors sitting on their sofa, the newborn baby sound asleep in there pristine cot as they sat watching the 10 o'clock news. They would have heard the gunshot and rushed to the phone in the kitchen, pressing ‘999’ quicker than they had time to think. They wouldn't have even hesitated to question which house they noise came from. Peculiar things had been happened at 23 Saints Street lately and everyone had noticed. It was as though Mr. and Mrs. Stanly had been waiting, on the edge of their seats to make this call.
The puddle of blood I was sitting in had darkened in colour, a metallic odour that rotting blood produces was getting rapidly stronger. I kissed his forehead gently, carefully laying him down, placing him on the falsely red carpet, no longer with my body supporting him. I moved over to the corner near the window, careful not to trail blood. There I took my clothes and shoes off and then laid them on the ground next to his body neatly before going into the next room to wash off the dried blood that covered my hands. I splashed water over my face and glanced in the mirror. I knew I had to leave soon. Otherwise I’d start thinking about what had happened. I was trying to be so quiet as I walked back into the room. I laughed out loud to myself; it was as though I was trying not to wake him. It was ironic due to the amount of time I’d spent trying to wake him up from his sleep; it used to be impossible to wake him from his slumber. Tonight however, I’d give anything for him to just be asleep.
I pulled the clean clothes from my bag that had previously been lying in the corner of the room. I pulled them on, along with the new black converse that I’d bought this morning. Looking at them now they looked too clean, they looked like shoes of a guilty man and I wasn’t guilty. I placed my bag next to the clothes checking for the millionth time tonight no personal belongings were inside. It was empty. I took one last long look at the corpse before I closed the door.
'Goodbye Samuel' I whispered as I shut the bedroom door. I headed down the stairs and jumped in fear when the middle stair creaked. Heading out the front door I checked no one was around, I shut the front door quietly and ran all the way home. I thanked God for adrenaline as I ran faster than I usually could. It was when I reached the house I stopped and took a breath. Realisation hit me as I crumbled at the bottom of my stairs. What had I done?

**
The shock of cold water, touching my warm skin, made my spine tingle. The hairs on my arms stand on end. This water fight seemed all well theoretically, however, since Samuel had taken the hose from my grasp I was becoming rapidly less amused.
‘Stop’ I yelped wiggling away from him. The grin firmly placed on his face told me he was not going to give up just yet.
The gate creakily opened and Lucy walked through, looking at us with disgust. Although a year younger the look her face held reminded me of the phrase my mum used to say whenever she gave the same look ‘and exactly how old are you?’ my mum used to ask me when I’d act younger than was acceptable. My reply was always ‘I’m a boy, my mental age is a lot younger, you see’ I followed this reply with a cocky grin and soon no more was said. Gazing over at Lucy I smiled, fond of this memory of my mother and amused by Lucy.
‘Hey Luce’ Samuel yelled whilst keeping the hose firmly on my quivering body. There garden was small and without getting Lucy wet also, I had nowhere to run. She smiled politely at her brother and then at me and went inside quickly, to avoid our childish antics.
Finally, Samuels mother told him to stop wasting the water and the game thankfully ended. I’d managed to get the hose once, and then lose it when Samuel cunningly distracted me. We tried off and decided to sit out in the sun. Lucy joined us with a book in hand. The past few weeks I had begun to realise just how beautiful Lucy was, ever since I’d seen her in her bikini when we all went swimming I hadn’t be able to get her off my mind. She had always been a lovely girl, more mature than most people her age, but I’d only ever seen her as Samuels’ sister, now looking at her elegant legs as she wore shorts I wondered if she’d ever thought about me in the same way. Her intelligence, personality, and figure gave her a glow of attraction that I found disarming. Of course, it was wrong to think of her as anything more than Samuels’ sister, but at the moment it was hard to think of her as anything more than an enchanting young woman.
‘Reading anything good?’ I managed to ask casually. She looked at me, eyebrow raised in a ‘Do you really care’ kind of way.
‘Its okay so far’ she flashed the front cover at me but not for long enough to let me actually see it. ‘It’s called Not Now, its about a girl and boy, they’re been in love for years but the timings are always wrong, she loves him, he doesn’t want a proper relationship, he wants her and she’s got someone else. It’s sad because at one point they’re so close to being together, and the family decide to move away…’ her mind seemed to float back into the book.
‘So, do you think they’ll get together in the end?’ I asked, actually quite intrigued by the book.
‘I hope so. They both are good people, just in a bad situation’ She smiled at me, glad she’d explained the story but now ready to continuing reading.
‘Well, I hope they get together in the end.’ She smiled at me and opened up her book. I watched her for a few moments then went to help Samuel make the sandwiches in the kitchen.
‘What were you talking about?’ Samuel asked, as I buttered the bread. He caught me slightly off guard.
‘What, Lucy? Just about that book.’ I replied trying to sound nonchalant.
‘But you don’t read’ he stated harshly.
‘No, but I would if anyone wrong anything good’
‘What do you think of her?’ He nodded his head in Lucys’ direction.
‘She’s a nice girl; I’ve always said that. Why? What’s this about?’ I felt defensive over my own feelings.
‘It was just a question’ he replied and said no more about the subject. I would have to stop looking at her so often I decided as I put the sandwiches on plates.
Last edited by AmyRose on Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:52 am, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1647
Reviews 57
Hello Amyrose!

Welcome to YWS!

One thing I'm not sure you know is that we like to keep a 2:1 ratio between reviews and posts. So before you post something new make sure you've reviewed at least two other pieces! :)

Anyway, on to your writing...


My fingers ran slowly over his soft arms. Still warm, it felt as though the blood hadn't yet stopped flowing, and yet there was no doubt he was gone.


That is creepy. But good! Good-creepy.

fading into the navy blue it went this time of year.


Do you mean that it was turning dark? Because it sounds like you're saying it's turning a color it should've already been.

I remembered laying on the freshly cut grass in the summer with her, watching the sky change colour and wishing this moment would last our entire lives, and if it had, we wouldn’t have regretted a second of it.


*Confused* I thought it was a him? Also this is a huge run-on and you've switched tenses.


I could almost imagine the neighbors sitting on there sofa,


I think you mean "their sofa". ;)

pressing 999 quicker than they had time to think.


...911?

The puddle of blood I was sitting in had darkened in colour and an odour was getting rapidly stronger.


What odour? The blood? Make that clearer...

I knew I had to leave soon otherwise; I’d start thinking about what had happened.


Make into two sentences. "...leave soon. Otherwise I'd start thinking..."

Tonight however, I’d give anything for him to be just asleep.


"...for him to just be asleep."

I pulled the clean clothes from my bag, which had previously been lying in the corner of the room. I put them on; along with the new black converse, I’d brought this morning.


Don't need the comma in the first sentence. I'm not sure about your semicolon usage here, but in the second half of the second sentence it should be, "...new black converse that I'd..." Also, I'm not sure but I think you want the word "bought" not "brought".

Looking at them now they looked too clean, they looked like shoes of a guilty man and I wasn’t guilty.


So is this main character a man? You've confused me. At first you said that the main character was rubbing "his" arm. So I assumed it was a girl. But later you changed it so that the dead character was a girl...so then I thought it was a boy. And in the next paragraph the dead character's name is male...It could be a gay couple I suppose...or friends and I'm reading into it too much. :) But it is the romance section after all. :)

I placed my bag next to the clothes checking for the millionth time tonight no personal belongings were in there
.

Were inside.

I’d only agreed to play this as she enjoyed it.


I had never been very quick at thinking.


Maybe, "I had never been a quick thinker" ?

'Err... Ok' I said as I moved my rook in front
of my knight to stop her from attacking it.



Overall:

Very well done. I like very much your writing style. You do very well with showing rather than telling. The idea in the story is really creepy if I'm interpreting it correctly, but you don't take it too, too far. But, (because there's always a but...) you tend to switch around your tenses (I didn't mark them all, I figured you could find them) between past and conditional and present which gets confusing for the reader. Also the mystery of him versus her needs to be fixed. And also the characters, since we don't really know them, seem to do things at random. Plus the very last section I didn't understand...I'm confused to how they're related...

Good! Great first piece!

-Maggie
"Why kill time when you can kill yourself?"
-Voltaire



[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] GrandWild: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— GrandWild