Decorate the Skyline

Decorate the skyline
With white stars and gold streaks.
Make me a kingdom of my fantasies,
And I’ll make you a reigning king.

Imagine golden moons
And silver suns.
How about buildings made of starlight?
Or talking clouds just for fun?

I’d like people of the ocean
To be able to walk the streets of the town.
It’s the dreamer’s realm, isn’t it?
There’s nothing impossible there.

I know you can do it,
You’ve done it before.
You’re the passionate architect
Of so many castles in the sky.

Build me one of those empires,
I want to learn from the best.
Don’t say there’s no inspiration,
Look around yourself instead.

Shiiina,

I absolutely love your poetry. It just dances with youth and happiness and reminds me of years ago.

One of the main thing I love about your work is how they always-- in one light or another-- pertain to nature or normalcy. I don't think I've read much of anything depressing from you that didn't have at least one faint ray of hope to it.

But, this... this is inspiring. I could argue that there are things that could use tweaking-- but don't change this, please. I really, really enjoy this, in the raw format you've got here. It's beautiful, and it just oozes with inspiration and hope.

The funny thing about this is, I read it once and had a criticism-filled review building in my head, but the next time I read this over, as I was typing out my critique, I noted that each of these stanzas are so, so, so easy to relate to. Each and every one of these remind me of some past time or another.

SO! (Fortunately for you, unfortunately for me XD) I have no criticism on this; rather a demand for you to keep writing and sharing your inspirational poetry.

Best luck writing, Shina!

June

this was amazing and i really enjoyed reading it. i like your imagination. i can't find anything wrong to tell you the truth. i think it flows well and you did a great choice of words. like june i think that you should continue writing this kind of poetry. whats funny is i just got from a tough a hard tennis practace and this kinda made me perk up. soooo i think that this is a great work of art with great imagination.
















TuckEr EllsworTh

springrain wrote:Shiiina,

I absolutely love your poetry. It just dances with youth and happiness and reminds me of years ago

SO! (Fortunately for you, unfortunately for me XD) I have no criticism on this; rather a demand for you to keep writing and sharing your inspirational poetry.

Best luck writing, Shina!

June

xD lol, June. Lucky me.

And Thanks for your review Dogs

-Shina

Hullo,

I think this piece has a lot of potential.

There is certainly feeling within the words, but it came across to me muted, as if by too many words. I might suggest going through it, reading it aloud to yourself, and picking out personal pronouns that your poem can do without. I've found from experience that too many Is and Yous can mask a beautiful face or blunt a sharp edge.

I have one word suggestion on the last stanza and on the first.

"Decorate the skyline
With white stars and gold streaks.
Make me a kingdom of my fantasies,
And I’ll make you {remove}[a] reigning king. "

and

"Build me one of those empires,
I want to learn from the best.
Don’t say there’s no inspiration [left]{add},
Look around yourself instead."





I really like a lot of your word choices:

- "Make me a kingdom of my fantasies,
And I’ll make you a reigning king."
- "You’re the passionate architect"
- "Build me one of those empires"

I also noticed something strange. Read the poem with the stanzas in a completely reversed order.

"Build me one of those empires,
I want to learn from the best.
Don’t say there’s no inspiration,
Look around yourself instead.

I know you can do it,
You’ve done it before.
You’re the passionate architect
Of so many castles in the sky.

I’d like people of the ocean
To be able to walk the streets of the town.
It’s the dreamer’s realm, isn’t it?
There’s nothing impossible there.

Imagine golden moons
And silver suns.
How about buildings made of starlight?
Or talking clouds just for fun?

Decorate the skyline
With white stars and gold streaks.
Make me a kingdom of my fantasies,
And I’ll make you a reigning king. "

I hope this helps.
-M.