(Fore)Cast a Windy Spell

Hi! I'm going to be critiquing your peom today...
First of all, wow! Are you really ten? Because good on ya for writing such wordy stuff so young! Second of all, I have to say I didn't really understand your poem. I read it through a few times, but it didn't make much sense. Let me pose a few questions, and when you answer them I think you'll find some help in making the poem a bit more understandable: How do coal shoals whip od cavalcades of laughter? Would urban warriors really peer out of ther jackets (eyes are usually abit higher up)? Can cloudy pastures really dissipate? Or do the clouds disippate off the pastures? What season is it? I am not entirely sure if it's winter or fall.
Here's another thing: The reader has no idea what you were thinking when you wrote this. Unless you show us, we won't know at all. Little secret: readers can be pretty dumb sometimes . I would suggest really clarifying what you want to write about, and then writing it down in a clear format, something a little less wordy. Simple and effective.
Best of luck editing!
PM me with any questions
Toodles!
-Aussie

Galerius --

Here, as promised. I liked how this poem felt. I like the feelings and the images it gave me. I get a very post-apocalyptic, mythological feeling. Where you, perhaps, recounting some greek myth? I was also reminded strikingly of the style of author Cormac McCarthy in this poem. If you haven't read anything by him, I suggest you pick up either The Road, Blood Meridian, or All The Pretty Horses. I'm pretty confident you'll really enjoy him.

The first thing I noticed was that you're images are much more focused in this piece. They coagulate together to form cohesive feelings and consistent ideas. You don't hop from planetary to microscopic here. You have something to tell us, and you tell us. You're meaning is still disguised somewhat, which is fine, but we come away with a small set of very concentrated impressions. Good job. I also liked how you capitalized to word Men. It gives a sort of immortality to the word. Suggesting that Men are just as equal to gods, if not better. Your references to Hades, gods, and your captilization of Men makes me think that here, you're recounting some greek myth. Or perhaps mirroring the themes of a greek myth upon our current society. It would be interesting to know exactly what you had in mind when you wrote this piece.

The boatman crossing the frozen channel
says Viva Hades! and dances around the pyre

While this is one of my favorite images, this passage is reminiscent of your usual non-cohesiveness. The boatman can't cross the channel and dance around a pyre at the same time, and yet you write that he is. It makes this poem very stream-of-consciousness, but breaks up the picture.

Ballistic blades stick out
and urban warriors unaccustomed to custom

The only reason I don't like this passage is that I hate the word urban, and it feels like you're trying a little too hard here. You're trying to relate a concept by playing with the words. You're just using extended synonyms here, and it gives this passage a dry, tasteless feel.

I enjoyed this. Difficult to grasp, but still very readable, and surprisingly lyrical. Good job on the opening line.

-Kylan

Wow! There is some beautiful awesome imagery here! Great job!

I think this is probably my favorite line:

The walls packed by ice and tended by Men

(is there a difference? One melts

and the other pretends)

Not even sure why, it just really struck me. Awesome.


I liked this line, but it felt a little redundant to me. If you meant to do that - great, keep it, but otherwise I'd find another word for salty.

are scourged with salt

and salty tears from brimming ocean

Again, fabulous job! Gold star for you! :)

Hi Galeri! June here!

So, I'm terribly sorry that I did not get to this sooner/when it was mentioned; I was trying to finish up a few things before I got to this and then I had to go to bed. And, this morning was busy, so, yes, this is late. ^_^

However! You get my first review as a mod. Not that I can actually gather up anything constructive to say; with pieces I really enjoy/writers I really enjoy, it's pretty tricky for me to critique.



To start, you have absolutely wonderful imagery, and even more wonderful structure. I do agree with Kylan on the feelings this gave; along with those he mentioned, this had a very exciting, adventurous feel to it.

The only things that stuck out to me are:

up to this hand – this hand these hands –

I know this is used this way for style, and though it adds effectively to the overall tone, I think that there should be a comma between hand and these-- I know that's a-next-to-useless thing to point out, but it just stuck out a bit.

fraught with the roiling churning of snow that only a miller knows.

Here, I kind of feel like this line was a bit too long to close the first stanza. It presented lots of syllables, which detracted from the rhythm a bit.


Also! Was it intentional to have the beginning of the third stanza uncapitalized?


- - -

I really enjoyed the images that you created. The images, coupled with the structure and rhythm of this poem, really gave an energetic, fast-paced feel to this poem. You've really pulled that off well.


I also like how at the beginning of some of your stanzas, you have the slight rhyme blended in the lines-- it's beautiful, because it's not the most noticeable element here, but it's written so, so well, it's overall just great.

I really enjoyed your word choice in most places. Like Kylan said, I didn't like the usage of urban, nor did I like the usage of crusted. Those two words felt like you were pulling the poem, rather than having an easy, uninterrupted flow. But, then again, your flow was pretty much uninterrupted at any rate. xD

Very, very wonderful poem, dear. Nice work on this! Keep it up!

June

Hey Galerius. As a quick disclaimer-- I've been looking over some of my past reviews, and I made so many typos, it's not even funny. Please ignore any and all grotesque spelling errors I make in the following review. ^_^ Thank you.

Also, I love the play on words you used as your title. Very clever.

First there were
frostbitten Men on hooked fingernails
(onetwothreefourfive they’re gone,
Oh god, counting down to Armageddon)
across a trail of petrified dust,
coal shoals whipping up cavalcades
of laughter from the
glacier and afterwards crawling back here
up to this hand – this hand these hands –
fraught with the roiling churning of snow that only a miller knows.

I really liked this as an opening stanza, becuase you've found a great balance between the imagery you're so infamous for ( ) and some much-more-tangible meaning, which I'm thoroughly ecstatic to see. With these last two lines, though, I'm not sure about the phrase in between the dashes. It doesn't do anything for the imagery, the meaning, or the flow of the poem, and I don't see it as anything more than repetition. Replace it.

Another issue here is that, somewhere, we've lost your subject. When you mention 'crawling back here', are you referring to the Men crawling back, the coal shoals, or neither? With this stream-of-consciousness feel you have going, your parts of speech are getting jumbled and I'm not sure anymore what's doing what.

The walls packed by ice and tended by Men
(is there a difference? One melts
and the other pretends) are scourged with salt

I like this net stanza a lot, especially the last line. And while I think this bit you've got in parentheses is a nice, sarcastic thought, I don't see how it connects. By asking, 'is there a difference' you lead the reader to think that the two attributes you mention (melting, pretending) are very similar somehow, to the point that any difference is hard to find. Which, it's not. Melting and pretending are not obviously alike, and so this falls slightly flat.

but that did not sit well upon the throne!
and fivefourthreetwoone it’s gone away into the stars
and farther than that, to cloudy pastures of winged light or love –
it can’t be both.
Cloudy pastures dissipate

Not sure about the repetition here of 'cloudy pastures'. A lot of your repetition is brilliantly placed and really does bring new light and meaning to the stanza, but I don't see what you get from this repetition except avoiding the use of the pronoun 'they'.

The boatman crossing the frozen channel
says Viva Hades! and dances around the pyre

I agree with Kylan here. Will the image is nice, he can't be crossing and dancing at the same time due to certain laws of science.

and away away away goes he
to the moon, his bedroom, and back into town.

At the end here, I was slightly disappointed the poem didn't come full curcle and return to mentions of ice, or glaciers. As a last line you'd think that going back into town would be significant, but as there is no town mentioned throughout the poem, it falls slightly flat (again). Perhaps if you metioned going back into *civilization*, it might make more sense-- they go from remote icelands and salty oceans and cloudy pastures to something much more real. But towns? I don't know.

Really, though, I think this is my favorite of your poems thus far. Like Kylan, said the meaning is much more coherant, the imagery less overwhelming (but no less powerful) and each idea you bring in, you follow through with it more than you usually do. I'd like to pretend that this improvement is largely due to my astoundingly helpful reviews of previous poems, and I'd appreciate it if you let me believe so. ^_^

All in all, very nice except for a few iffy points. PM me for anything.

~Evi