Until .

I thought I was alive
Until I saw your face,
And then I felt real life,
My heart a beating pace.

I thought I had been hearing
Until I heard your voice,
Right then I realized
I had heard just useless noise.

I thought I had been breathing
Until I felt your touch,
Then for moments I stopped
And air came in a rush.

I thought I had been feeling,
Until I saw you fade
Waking up to understand
In my dreams you were only made .


xoxox

bleh I hate this poem .
I'll try and fix it up ,
in my new non - obsessive rhyming way . XD

Actually , cut that . I don't like this poem .

xoxox

Hey Mandey!

I found this poem pretty similar to your other poem, in a rhyming sense. Your rhyme scheme is decent, but it is definitely not the best, seeing as it's pretty force. It's pretty important not to sacrifice your poetry for rhyme, dear.

The theme of this poem isn't actually exciting. I don't mean that in a negative way, but to me, poetry is about exciting things, new ways to see things, new ways to write things-- or simply new things! This isn't actually new, because it's a love poem, and those are often overdone, and the rhyme seems fairly common.

Aside from that, I think you can write really well. Late Welcome to YWS! Hope to see you around.

June

this is great Mandy but the rhythm is just a little off. and at the beginning when you said "i thought i was alive until i saw your face. that would be suggesting that you are dead. and then you said "and then i felt real life" so do you think that you are dead cause these two lines are kinda repelling each other in meaning. over all this is good.

i liked it, but the ending kinda sucks, i don't know why you hate it though, the first three stanzas are really good. I liked the third stanza the best.

Hi!! it was good, but quite common. I've notice you like rhymes, but sometimes rhymes don't fit in your poem and sometimes when you look for a word that rhymes with another one, the poem becomes boring and the reader looses the sense of it. (not that yours is, because I really like it). I think it tranmits the feeling though, because from what I understand of it, the guy is a fantasy, a dream. I think the poem itself is really god,maybe some changes would do some good to it. I like the way you write, although the rhyme sometimes confuses me.

So, to conlcude, I think the poem is good,and i hope you keep writing.
pudin