Just Another Rich Girl.

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Placing myself outside of independant people was something I took up when I decided to be popular. Not that I didn't like being popular. I just didn't want everybody to think I was stupid. I really wasn't. And, the whole reason to why I loved being popular so much was so I would never be lonely. However, all I felt was that I was surrounded by people who didn't know the real me. Not a good thing. But I chose this. I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself, I had it good.


So, I moved to Tennesse with my dad after a very messy divorce. Surprising? Not really. I knew they had a rubbish marriage to begin with. I didn't even have to think twice about who I wanted to live with. Not to sound unfare to my mom, but it wasn't just because my dad gave me money and whatever I wanted all the time. My mother and I clashed. So, that was my desision.

I was forced (hypothetically) into moving from the almighty New York City, to the land of Tennesse. Things were so much different, I found it hard to grasp the scenery. Which was the only thing there I was seeming to enjoy.



"Bonnie, darling! Can you come and help me with the dishes?" My father called to me.



"Ugh! Dishes? Daddy what ever happened to the good old modern dish washer machine?" I complained. I may sound like a drama queen, but that was simply because I was brought up as and by a drama queen.




"I know honey, but I haven't yet gotten it installed. I'll give the store guy a call while you are in school OK?"



"SCHOOL?!" God. I had absolutely forgotten. How dumb of me. Of course, moving to an entirely different state was going to mean an entirely new school too. I was far too busy complaining to realise.



"Yes sweety. You start this morning. Didn't I tell you that last night? Anyways, there are no uniforms so count your blessings. You've got two hours so hurry up and get ready, I'll do the dishes then." He offered.



"AH!" I yelled as my father turned his eyes up to heaven, while I angrily ran up the white carpeted stairway to my small bedroom.



I went for a shower, took ten minutes to condition my long, soft blonde hair. I took ages to blow dry. I chose one of my most favourite outfits as it was my first day, and I had to make a good impression. I wore a long, flowing sleeved pink shirt (D&G) over white skinny jeans (D&G). My heels were coverd at the top in diamondes, and my white Channel handbag went really well with my jeans. I chose the prettiest lipgloss I owned. A pale pink, to go with my long straightened hair. When I thought I was good to go, I noticed the time. I had five minutes to get to school! Which was not good, considering it was going to take me ten minutes to drive there.




"Daddy! Can you give me a lift to school? I can't find my keys!" I whined. I tried to find them, my work was done for the day.




"OK, OK. Calm down and get into the car." he said going out the door.


I ran past the flowers in the garden, previously owned and planted by whoever lived here last. I then jumped into my dad's black porche, and checked my reflection in the mirror. I looked good!



The school had a small population Only 400 kids. Great! I thought sarcastically. As I poened the door of the porche, my Channel bracelet got cought in the seat belt.



"God damn it!" I said, getting irritable of the way my day was going.

A few kids were looking at me and laughing. Even one incredibly geeky looking guy with a fully buttoned shirt and bushy hair, who I was obviously way above in the social level. At least, I was.
I released myself, and tried to maintain what little was left of my dignity.


I walked into the tall, grey looking building. I could hear the thick southern accents of those nearby. After I found my locker, signed in late and checked my time table, I headed off to room nineteen. And just my luck, I was the only one to walk in late.



I opened the glass door and it banged loudly behind me, making every student in the class look up from the books and stare at me like I was...the new girl.



"Nice of you to join us. Students, you have a new class mate. This is Bonnie Hart."


I could hear a group of girls at the back, talking about how I thought I was great and how I was dressed like I was a model.


"Hm, lets see. Take a seat just down there." She pointed to the only free seat in the room. Beside a quiet looking boy with spikey brown hair and brown eyes, wearing clothes I had never seen before. They were probably never in fashion.





I stumbled on my way over, the boy put his arm out to stop me from falling to the floor. I looked at him apologetically, as the rest of the class erupted in laughter. It was the worst day of my life. I could feel myself going bright red.




I tried desperately to concentrate on what the teacher was talking about. But, I could feel the boy beside me throwing horrible looks. After a while, I grew so uncomfortable that I decided to confront him.



"Have I done something wrong?" I whispered to him. he looked at me strangely.



"Uh, not really." He replied under his breath with a think southern accent.



"Well, then what's your problem?" I demanded, recieving odd looks from a very pretty bruenette girl sitting ahead of me.


He seemed caught off guard.


"Nothing." He looked down then, and started scribbling on a piece of paper.


Keep quiet or you'll get us in trouble. It said. I sighed, and continued to stare at the board.


The bell went for lunch, and just as I though I was free, the teacher called me and the boy back. Surely we're not in trouble. I thought. The boy's name was Nick.



I toddled along to the top of the class, in my designer heels. He dragged his old trainers in a huff. He kept throwing me mean looks, I guess he thought it was my fault or something.



"Nick, could you be so kind as to go around with Bonnie over lunch?"




"What?!" He said. God, what did I ever do to him?




"It's fine Ma'am. I can look after myself." I gave Nick an equally dirty look. I've been looking after myself all my life. I thought glumly.




"Huh. Fine." He said. Maybe he felt guilty for being so mean. We walked out of the class, there were so many people around.




"Just don't annoy me." Or maybe not.




"Don't worry, I only said that so you didn't look bad. Now I'm leaving since I'm such apain in your butt." I twirled around.



"Spoiled brat." he muttered under his breath. I pretended I didn't hear him. It was the truth after all.



I am in the middle of chapter 2.
Last edited by SakuraFallsSweetly♥ on Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:07 am, edited 2 times in total.
The only true failure, is when you give up. ♥




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Hello Sakura! I'm Antigone and I'll be your reviewer today!

Placing myself outside of go - somewhere people


Erm... what does this mean?
Do you mean:
"Placing myself outside of go" -- which makes some sense
or "placing myself outside of go-somewhere people" -- which makes even less sense.
I asked many people here on YWS what they thought this sentence meant, and no one knew. That's not a good thing. ^_^
Could you make the meaning clearer?

Placing myself outside of go - somewhere people was something I took up when I decided to be popular. Not that I didn't like being popular. I just didn't want everybody to think I was stupid. I really wasn't. And, the whole reason to why I loved being popular so much was so I would never be lonely. However, all I felt was that I was surrounded by people who didn't know the real me. Not a good thing.


Mmk. This paragraph needs a bit of work.
First of all, it made me roll my eyes. I've read a ton of stories with little girls saying, "Oh poor popular me!" It's hard to make something like this original.
Also, what do you mean she didn't want people to think she was stupid? By not being popular? It's a bit vague.

:o I have to leave, sorry!
This review shall be posted in two parts!
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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You have a few errors here and there, that I'm sure if you went back through you'd find them.

Your story is kind of...cliche. And to be honest your main character isn't really very likable in the beginning. I think most people like someone they can relate to in their stories, not just a cliche, spoiled brat,
R.I.P. MJ. Gone too soon.




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Hahahahahahahaa!!! I couldn't stop laughing as I read it. As your average clutz, all of these scenerios had happened to me at least once. Nice going on the description of the awkwardness! I felt exactly the same way! It's a bit Twilighti-sh, and it's very clear that Nick can read minds. Other than that, I just loved Bonnie! Sure she is a drama queen at first, but honestly, who doesn't like to grouch a bit about doing the dishes? Especially when he has parents to grouch to? Bonnie seems like someone who doesn't like to play around. She'll say what she thinks when she thinks it. Like with the parent's thing. You could call her a spoiled brat, or you could call her, well, telling the truth. She could say 'I love my dad more,' and sound polite, or she could simply say the truth 'it's the money, okay?' Loved it. Damn this was funny! I also love Tenessee, I used to visit there all the time as a kid. The warmest, kindest people ever. Lovely place. Tons of green - careful of the Twilight motives. It's sounding a lot like Bella's first day. I got to hand it to you, this is actually very good. Some people consider cliche's bad, but I think they're very important in a story. And besides, it's not all cliche yet. Please PM me for the next chapter! Honeestly, I loved it. Can't wait for more!
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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So, Sakura,

I think this is a decent story start, but to be honest, I don't like it too much. I don't like the descriptions; they're too heavy. I strongly dislike the mentioning of name brands in stories-- it just adds an unwelcoming touch, and it is not especially necessary considering that it's not helping the audience in any way. You tell us she's rich: we don't especially care that she's wearing Dolche and Gabonna and Chanel.

I don't especially like the main character, either. She should be likeable, but then she shouldn't. To me, she's annoying-- she seems to be a total brat, totally self centered, and too typical. To be honest, she's the sketch of a mary-sue, perfect hair, perfect image-- everyone's jealous of her. She's also too over dramatic.

Also, this happens too much. In stories, we too commonly hear the story of a new girl making a fool of herself in front of a guy and later falls in love. It's not terribly exciting to read, because it's so easy to predict what will happen. The mentioning of everything she owns, her white stairs, the porsche, the handbag, is not propelling your story forward.

I would cut some of these details down, and focus on events. They come off as info dumping, as there's really no other way to throw them in.

With that said, you do write well.

Best luck writing,

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



I can factcheck ur flashback outfits
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