The Hidden Pack Prologue

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Prologue/Mythology

Please tear me to pieces! I haven't had any outside editing done on this piece, so any critiques would be awesome. 8/23/09 Updated. I edited some of the beginning things to hopefully make it flow better.
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The ancient world of Nasilia was a paradise in earthly form for the denizens that lived there. The land was bountiful and beautiful, easily producing all of the pleasures those that who lived there could dream of.

Five gods ruled over this paradise in harmony. There was Shicharta, the goddess of the earth; Kortara, the goddess of fire; Vorance, the god of the sky; Fioreine, the goddess of the waters; and Risu, the god of the forest. They each ruled over their own people and rarely interacted but their separate governments worked effortlessly together to maintain peace and order.

But as with all good things, there were flaws. All of the major gods fell in love and raised a family. All that is, except Risu. Risu stood alone amongst the families of the gods, caring for and tending only the animals that lived and died in his forests. Risu soon grew lonely and yearned to raise a family, but he could not find anyone who wished to raise a family with him. He soon withdrew completely from the circle of gods, and was only occasionally glimpsed walking amongst his beloved animals.

Risu loved his animals; he would know when one of his darlings gave birth and he would be there to name and love the newborn animal. After a while, Risu decided that if he could not have a family of his own, he would create one. He worked for years, molding and changing his darlings into beings that were not animals, but not gods either. They walked like the god, and talked like the gods, but they retained the base instincts of their animal counterparts and developed the ability to shift freely between their “godly form” and their animal form. Risu loved them; creating houses of trees and stone for them to live in and a vast, perfect forest to hunt and forage in. He cared for them and called them his children, the Irisu, meaning “from Risu”.

The other gods soon learned of Risu’s deeds and grew furious. Beings that were neither god nor animal were abominations in their eyes and they sought to destroy them. They gathered those that served under them and headed for the great forest with the intention of forever wiping this stain off of their planet.

Risu was furious at the other gods actions. He gathered all of his children to him and granted them another power; the power to fight against the gods themselves. He told them what the gods planned to do and bade them to defend themselves. He set guards around the forest and retreated to his sanctuary deep beneath the center of the forest and began working. For three months he worked his magic deep beneath the ground while war raged above him. He felt a deep pain each and every time he felt one of his children fall in battle. Finally, he was finished. He called once again for all of his children to come to his side. The Irisu fell back to their fathers side and listened in mute horror as he explained his plan to them. They tried to dissuade him, but he would have none of it. He would not allow for another of his precious children to die. In front of their horror-stricken eyes, he cast his spell. Magic rushed up and out of the ground and spread across the forest in a vast wave of immense power. All of the minor gods that were in the forest were killed immediately, and the other four major gods were thrown out of the forest.

A great barrier stood tall around the forest, invisible to the eyes but painful to the gods’ senses. They tried to penetrate the barrier, but all of their efforts were for naught as nothing could even damage the great barrier. After a while the gods gave up, and retreated back to their own homes.

Eventually the gods forgot about the Irisu, and slowly and unknowingly their powers were drained away by the powerful magic of the forest. As several generations of the minor gods came and went, the major gods slowly passed away, one by one. The minor gods themselves lost their power, being reduced to mere mortals who lived and died without knowledge of magic.

Hundreds of years later, the Irisu slowly filtered out of the forest, leaving the safety of their fathers’ domain behind. Eventually only the wolves remained, guarding the immense crystal that once was their beloved father. The Irisu that left the forest bred in with the mortals, creating half-breeds that were like their mortal parent but carried the potential of magic within their bodies. The mortals soon learned to control that magic and those that could use it were valued highly amongst the settlements.
Last edited by Tala on Mon Aug 24, 2009 1:19 am, edited 3 times in total.




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First of all, I would like to say that this is a great opening! I read it all the way through! Just add a little more detail where there should be more, and this would be quality!

The fourth is the goddess Kortara, the soul of fire. She is powerful and standoffish,and holds no reserve against destroying anything that gets in her way.


I don't think that Standoffish goes quite well with this text.

The second is the goddess Fioreine, the mistress of the waters. She is a gentle and soothing goddess, but vicious and cruel when provoked.
Lastly came the Bird Irisu’s. Made up of a mixture of hawks, falcons, and other birds of prey, they were a vicious group when provoked but loyal and humorous otherwise.


Provoked is a very strong word that pops out to me, I found it quite easy to find that you had repeated the word, maybe you could use a different word one of the times?

The Irisu fell back to their fathers side and listened in mute horror as he explained his plan to them.


It should be father's.

I'm looking forward to reading your other works!
LONG LIVE LOVE




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Okay, this is killing me. You are switching tenses in this story, which is one of my biggest writing pet peeves! So first off, decide if you are telling this story in past or present tense. You start off in past tense (walked, were) and then change to present (is). I think, for this, it would be best to use past tense, because that seems to be what you used more often, but it's up to you.

And now that that is out of my system, I can readily critique the rest! Your grammar is generally okay, but you have two or three instances where it sounds like you just mistakenly typed something a little odd, which I think if you read back through, you can find and fix. Your punctuation is generally good to, so nice job there. I agree with Kakali said as well, so look into fixing those mistakes, too.

As for your writing style, I think this can be improved upon. You have a tendency to just list out your information, like at the beginning when you list the characteristics of each god, which isn't so horrible for a prologue, because I know you need to get the information down in a smaller amount of writing, but these information lists are dull to read. Also, unless you are including stories of each individual god in your story (which I doubt, because you said they all died), then you really don't need to list their personalities. Instead, you can say something like, "The five gods were as diverse in their personalities as the elements they cared for," or something like that. This prevents an info dump on the reader with information that isn't even crucial. Also, when you list the characteristics of each type of Irisu, it is also kind of bland to read, and, once again, you really don't need all the details, but maybe only need the different types of Irisu.

The story itself seems like it could be leading into something interesting, but I'm not entirely sure what. I'm guessing your story will be about these creatures bred with magic in them, but I can't be sure. I think, once you do some editing, this prologue, and the story following it, could be a real treat to read. Hope I helped!
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

-Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkien




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I think what you've written so far is good, but the very beginning annoys me a little. How many books do you see where they introduce the characters before the story? Exactly, there aren't very many.

Perhaps, you could still introduce the characters, but make it a little more brief and just drop their names rather than describing their personalities as well and explain that they ruled over everything and how wonderful it was in one or two paragraphs before going into the beginning to improve it, like chipsandguacamollie says.

I think there is potential there and once you get off your feet and absorb every piece of criticism your writing gets, you really could have something.

Can I just ask, is this something you're serious about getting published?




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Honestly, it just has too much of a history-lesson feeling to me. It's all telling. There's no dialogue, no setting. Sure, there's plot and characters. But nothing about them calls out to me, draws me in, makes me want to learn more. I think you're trying to stuff too much into a single piece.

Maybe this is all just me. But I do believe that you need more. Maybe you should just leave all this out entirely. Introduce a MC, give us a plot to delve into, and perhaps that MC could tell this story? An idea.

That's all. I didn't see any punctuation errors, but then again, I kind of scanned this whole thing. I got bored, sorry.

Good luck with your writing, and I wish you all the very best with this story.

KJ




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What I was trying to do with this chapter was just to introduce some background of the world that my story is set in and about what exactly my main character is. After I read your responses I talked to some of my other writer friends and got some ideas on how to tell that story without having the readers read a history story. I should have the new prologue out in the next day or two.

People keep telling me that I should think about getting it published, but as of right now it's not nearly good enough to give to a publisher/editor.

Thanks for all the feedback!




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I couldn't figure out how to add another thread so that I wouldn't have to add a new topic every time that I add a new chapter. Anyways, this is chapter 1 where you finally get to meet the actual main character.
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Tala of Valistar quietly slipped through her bedroom door, closing it quietly behind her. Moonlight lay gently on the hall on front of her, illuminating a gray and white wolf sleeping in the hall in front of her. When Tala went to move past, the wolf opened its eyes and wagged its tail slowly. Tala gave the wolf a quick scratch on its head and continued down the hallway, avoiding several other wolves on her way.

Halfway down the hall, she heard voices coming from her parents’ bedroom. Curiosity taking over, she crept closer to listen.

“…already turned 15 and still hasn’t formed a bond with any of the pups in the pack!” her fathers’ angry voice filtered out through the wooden door.

“Give her time,” her mother soothed. “We just have to find the right one for her.”

“We’ve tried every pup that has been born for the past five years! If she hasn’t formed a bond by now she never will!”

“Masoui, be reasonable. Sometimes it just takes longer.”

“Be reasonable? Our daughter is the only one in the clan that does not have a companion! Dena, you’ve heard what the others have said. Our daughter is a -” Masoui cut himself off.

“Is a what?” Dena responded, her voice icy. “A freak? An abomination? Well Masoui? Finish what you were going to say!”

Tala covered her mouth to stifle a sob and quickly backed away from the door, half running down the hall away from her parents. The wolves lifted their heads and whined as she ran past, the scent of tears burning in their sensitive noses. Tala burst through the door and ran straight into her older brother.

“Tala, what’s wrong?” He asked; bring his hands to rest on her shoulders.

“It’s nothing, Jolon,” she quickly said, scrubbing a sleeve over her face. “I’m good to go.” Jolon studied her for a moment and slowly nodded, letting his hands fall away from her shoulders.

“Let’s go then.” He turned and led the way to the family stables, Tala a few steps behind.

<Master Jolon? Where are you going with Mistress Tala?> Jolon turned his head to see the Alpha female of the resident wolf pack standing nearby, her head cocked in confusion.

<Just to run some errands in town.> He responded in the wolf’s tongue.

<Am I to guess that your sire knows nothing about the young miss going with you?>

<You would guess correctly.> Jolon answered, turning to face her fully. <Will you tell him?>

<The young miss does not belong here.> The wolf said coolly. <It is no business of mine where she goes.> The female alpha turned and walked away. Jolon’s jaw tightened as he watched her leave.

“Jolon, will she tell father?” Tala asked, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. Jolon closed his eyes and shook his head.

“No she will not,” he answered, anger making his voice tight.

“She thinks I’m a freak too, doesn’t she?” Tala said quietly, her shoulders slumping. Jolon turned sharply to face her.

“Who said that to you?”

“I have ears, Jolon.” Tala turned to continue towards the stables.

“Tala, you’re not a -”

“Leave it!” Tala snapped. Jolon flinched then sighed deeply.

“Tala,” he said softly, wrapping his arms around her from behind. Tala stiffened but tolerated the hold for a moment before pulling away.

“Come on, we have to get going.”

Tala and Jolon saddled, bridled, and led their horses outside in complete silence. Paying attention only to her horse, Tala ignored the concerned looks she was getting from her brother.

Once they were on the move, Jolon rode beside his sister. He glanced at her again and gave a soft sigh. His sister was always…different. Even from the day of her birth her unique nature was apparent. She was one of the only children born as a single child in their family. Throughout the history of their clan, most of the children born were either twins or triplets. Only a few children were without a womb-mate. Tala was one of those children.

She also preferred to spend time to herself, spending most of her extra time off in the woods around the compound by herself instead of playing with the other children. Her willing adventures alone soon became forced as the other children did what children do best; tease. Their taunts pushed her further away from those her own age. She spent her days either in the safety of her home or in the dense forest that surrounded the clan compound.

Once she reached 12, she went through the Coming of Age Ceremony. In this ceremony, the children are given the clan symbol in the form of either a necklace or an armband. Also, the children are introduced to the unattached pups in the clan. When they are chosen by their partner(s), the children become official adults in the eyes of the clan.
When it was Tala’s turn for the ceremony, she was not chosen by any of the unattached pups. Jolon shook his head, remembering the awkward silence that descended. Since then, the adults did not know how to act around his little sister, either choosing to ignore her or pity her.

A sudden increase in Tala’s speed snapped Jolon out of his thoughts and he looked ahead, seeing the town in front of them.

“I’m going to catch up with a friend of mine. I’ll meet you back here in an hour, alright?” Jolon said. Tala gave a short nod and turned her horse to trot further into the center of the town.

“Jolon!” Looking off to the right, Jolon spotted one of his friends jogging towards him.
“Long time no see man, where’ve you been?!” Jolon grinned broadly, clasping his hand in a strong handshake.

“I’ve been busy at the house, Cael. Sorry I couldn’t make it to the party last night,” Jolon said regretfully.

“Not a problem, Jolon.” Cael said dismissively. “You missed some interesting stuff,” he said with a laugh.

“Before I forget, I would like to go to your father’s shop and pick up a sword for my sister. Her birthday is today, and I think she’s good enough to have one of her own.”

“You’ve been training her, I’m guessing.”

“Of course.” A smirk crossed Jolon’s face.

Cael laughed. “If you’re the one to train her, then I think that she’ll be well off if she ever gets attacked.”

Jolon smiled. “I hope so. Come, the others are probably waiting for us.”


Tala slowly made her way through town, returning greetings that she received from the people she met before. Suddenly a horse bolted from outside a general store, leaving its young rider standing in surprise on the boardwalk. Tala spurred her horse to follow and quickly caught up to the spooked horse and grabbed its reins. Gently pulling the horse to a stop, she calmed it down.

“Thank you so much, ingye,” the rider gasped as she caught up with them. Tala blinked in surprise at the term of respect given to her.

“I’m not quite an ingye yet,” she said with a smile. “I’m neither an elder nor a mother. And you’re more than welcome, just be more careful next time.”

“Yes ingye,” the girl said with a grin, taking the reins from Tala. Tala rolled her eyes and sighed, prodding her horse into moving again.

Once she reached the house that she was aiming for, she slid off her horse with a sigh of relief.

“Tala! I’m so glad you could make it!” Tala looked up to see her close friend step out of the door way of the house in front of her.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Happy birthday!” she said, bounding up the stairs and engulfing her best friend, Kimimela, in a huge hug.

“Thanks. How long can you stay this time?” Kimimela asked, pulling away.

“Only an hour,” Tala said, looking regretful. “Sorry Kimi.”

Kimi shook her head softly. “Don’t worry Tala, its fine.” She turned and motioned to the doorway. “Come on, mother baked some cookies for us.”

Tala gave a half-hearted smile. “Sounds good.” Tala followed her friend into the small house.

“Tala, it’s good to see you!” Tala was greeted by a warm hug from Kimi’s mother.

“Thank you, ingye” she greeted, returning the hug.

“You girls go settle down, I’ll get a snack for you,” Kimi’s mother turned and walked towards the kitchen as Tala and Kimi headed to the living room.

“How are things at home going?” Kimi asked once they were settled.

“Same old, same old. Nothing that I can’t handle though,” Tala lied with a smile. Kimi frowned softly but nodded as her mother brought in some cookies and a spice drink.

“Thank you, ingye.”

Kimi’s mother smiled, setting the food and drink down on a nearby table. “You are welcome. Enjoy girls.”

Tala smiled and turned to Kimi. “Now, about that boy you wrote to me about…” Tala prodded with a grin.

Kimi’s embarrassed stutter and Tala’s laughter followed Kimi’s mother out of the room.



“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables