Waiting For the World to Fall

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the world were to fall, if the walls around me were to crumble and the ground beneath my feet were to disappear. Maybe it would be easier that way, if everything were just to end altogether. Maybe if my existence were to fade I wouldn’t have to feel so awful, so depressed.
But then again, what about everything I’ve ever worked for? Even though so many people have lied to me and let me down I’ve still gone a long way. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I may have been so close to the finish line, but I never made it all the way.
Maybe I’m a failure, or I’m simply the impatient type. Either way, I feel like I’m losing myself, losing any piece of sanity that I once had. It’s killing me. No one around me is being supportive right now and it feels like there’s a big hole inside of my chest that’s sucking away any emotion except for pain and sadness.
I can barely breathe. My body feels stuffed and it’s difficult to see through tears. I guess I know why people give up now, because it seems a lot easier to just throw it all away than to go another minute suffering. It’s torture, waiting. Waiting for the world to decide if you’re good enough or not and if what you’ve dedicated your life to was worth all the effort you’ve put into it.
I know what I am, I’m afraid. I’m too much of a coward to hear what they’ll deem me as, to hear that my friends have given up on me, and to be forever labeled as a failure. Is the thought of winning worth all of this? Will the prize I’ve had my eyes on for so long be enough to repay what all I’ve done to get there?
No one knows how selfish I am and how desperate I am to get this over with. “It’s the answer to all of my problems,” I say. That’s what I tell myself over and over to get myself to do it. I’ve never told them how strong my desire was, nor have I ever told them that sometimes what I do makes me fall apart. Sometimes I feel like my body’s made of glass, like it can easily be shattered by just one wrong move. Other times I feel like my insides are going to burst from all the throbbing, all the emotion I force to well up inside me and transfer to my fingertips.
I’ve come so far and fought off everything from criticism, to logic, to hate, and to just the plain facts. But I guess these high stakes are what makes the reward even more desirable. Maybe this is why so few dare to take this path, because they can’t handle giving up every ounce of their being to their craft.
Still, many have risked it all for the slight chance of honor and fame and riches. I suppose I’m like them because even though it kills me to wait for the world to fall and for time to freeze all around me, I continue. Why? Because I am a writer and I am willing to give everything I have for the prize.

Hi Angels! Let's get on to the review, shall we?

First up, nitpicks.

My body feels stuff and it’s difficult to see through tears.

Feels stuffed.

Will the prize I’ve had my eyes on for so long be enough to repay what all I’ve done to get there.

A question mark, not a period.


OVERALL: I like this piece, so I'm giving it a star.

Anyway, my liking this piece does not make it flawless, although it hits close. I suggest you cut down on the metaphors and similes. They crowd the prose and make it seem bad. So yeah...Try to prune some of them. Aside from that, it's good to go.

P.S.
Is this about querying or something?

Again, Shina, another great piece. Before I go off serenading you with compliments on your writing just yet, I'm going to tackle grammar.

Grammar Corrections

Maybe if my existence were to fade, I wouldn’t have to feel so awful; so depressed.

There needed to be a comma after fade. Try to read it, there is a natural pause that takes place after the description "Maybe if my existence were to fade." Just saying you work aloud can sometimes help you figure out where commas will or will not fit. Also, the comma after awful needed to become a semicolon, or a dash.

[s]But[/s] Then again, what about everything I’ve ever worked for? Even though so many people have lied to me and let me down, I’ve still gone a long way. [s]But[/s] I guess it doesn’t matter. I may have been ____ close to the finish line, but I never made it all the way.

The "but" was a bit unnecessary. I know we sometimes feel the need to put conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence to transition, but a period does that for us. I added an appropriate comma. I struck out another "but," and I felt that "so" was a very weak word to choose there. You could put something better, such as "unbearably."

No one around me is [s]being[/s] supportive [s]right now[/s], and it feels like there’s a big hole inside of my chest that’s sucking away any emotion except for pain and sadness.

Some of those words just didn't seem to add anything but clutter, so I suggest cutting them out completely, and... comma!

I can barely breathe. My body feels stuffed, and it’s difficult to see through tears. I guess I know why people give up now, because it seems a lot easier to just throw it all away than to go another minute suffering. It’s torture—waiting.

Comma! I also changed that last comma before "waiting" to a dash, which is what it should be.

I know what I am. I’m afraid. I’m too much of a coward to hear what they’ll deem me as, to hear that my friends have given up on me, and to be forever labeled as a failure. Is the thought of winning worth all of this? Will the prize I’ve had my eyes on for so long be enough to repay [s]what[/s] all I’ve done to get there?

That comma needed to become a period. The "what" needs to go.

Other times, I feel like my insides are going to burst from all the throbbing—all the emotion I force to well up inside me and transfer to my fingertips.

Comma! Dash!

I’ve come so far and fought off everything from criticism, to logic, to hate[s],[/s] and to just the plain facts. [s]But[/s] I guess these high stakes are what make[s]s[/s] the reward even more desirable.

You didn't need the comma after hate, didn't need "but," again, and needed to change the verb tense of "makes" to "make."

Because I am a writer, and I am willing to give everything I have for the prize.

Comma! (If you need help understanding better where commas ought and ought not to go, please feel free to message me.)

Suggestions and Comments

Because I am a writer, and I am willing to give everything I have for the prize.

Hell yeah! I really liked this last line. It was a pretty good, unexpected twist for an ending. And how true it is, too!

Your writing flowed as well as ever, but to be honest, I felt that this piece was not up to par with the other things of yours that I have read, and I feel that it should be the most passionate thus far, since it is about the thing of which you are most passionate: writing! The descriptions were good, but I felt they were too generic.

Perhaps the biggest suggestion I can make here is to expand the vocabulary of this piece. I know you are capable of it, and since this is, in fact, the plight and plea of a writer, the vocabulary should be vibrant and illustrative to bring life to that fact.

On the whole, Shina, this piece had the eloquent flow and captivation that I have come to realize is very characteristic of your writing, but I felt that it deserved a little more attention. A broader vocabulary would have brought out the writing theme from the beginning, without actually revealing your ending, and a closer look could eliminate many unnecessary words to make for a more concise piece of writing.

As always, great job, and I'm sure I'll pop up critiquing something else of yours.

Thanks, Jester ^^

Yeah, this wasn't something I was really planning out. In fact, I didn't know the ending would end up like this. It was more rant-y since my mom was angry at me and I wasn't in the mood for silver-lining this. I'll be sure to fix this another day because it's really late right now and I have to use the restroom O_O.

I'll make you come back later and reread this once I live up to the standards.

-Shina

Heya Shina!
Here's your overall review:

MC
As there are no other characters in this piece, all the focus goes to your MC; what she thinks, how she feels. You've portrait her thoughts and emotions very well. I could so easily relate to this that it kindda freaked me out. I read your words and felt them as my own, so good job on that
Anyway, I really like your MC. She sounds brave, but breakable, focused. I really like her.

Setting
There is no setting, but I don't feel like it's something that's horribly failing here, since I even think it's not needed.

Plot
Very nice. I'm quite impressed. It can even fit with the contest, itself! My only not so what, is that it can relate to the picture you chose, but not completely, if you know what I mean. Like she's holding something in her hands, you might have wanted to mention that or something.

Good luck!
*Kat*

Hey Shina! On to the review...

Will the prize I’ve had my eyes on for so long be enough to repay what all I’ve done to get there?

After repay, there should be a 'for.'

I know what I am, I’m afraid.[/url]
By the way you say it, it seems like you're saying; I am an afraid. Rewrite?

Even though so many people have lied to me and let me down I’ve still gone a long way.

Elaborate?

Besides those, I think it's a great piece, and therefore I will give you a shiny star.

--Chloe

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the world were to fall.[b]

There should be a period at the end instead of a comma.

[b]If the walls around me were to crumble and the ground beneath my feet were to disappear.

Capitalize "If."

...inside of my chest that’s sucking away any emotion excluding pain and sadness.

It'd be better if you were to use this word in replacement.

...to decide if you’re good enough or not, and if what you’ve dedicated your life to was worth all the effort you’ve put into it.

There should be a comma after "Not."

Still, many have risked it all for the slight chance of honor, fame, and riches.

Much better. The way you had had it before was grammically incorrect.

I suppose I’m like them, because even though...

There needs to be a comma insterted between "Them" and "Because."

Because I am a writer and I am willing to give everything I have for the prize.

If you were to use the word "Because" in the start of a sentence, it would make it into a sentence fragment. I like this sentence a lot, though.

Overall:
I was not expecting this story to end the way it had, and I love it. I love being proven wrong. I was expecting for the main character to be speaking of being an outcast, an underdog, or being a failure at life in general. I loved the flow of this, runs like water. I would like to read some of your more fictional stories, for from what I have read just now, you are an impressive writer.

Hey there Shina! Forever here, I'll be reviewing your short story today.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the world were to fall, if the walls around me were to crumble and the ground beneath my feet were to disappear. (First of all, I would like to tell you how much I absolutely love this beginning sentence. I was instantly enthralled. As you obviously now, a story story should begin with a hook; something to grab the reader and pull them in, something that makes us want to read more. Your hook was excellent! I don't know what else to say because I simply love it.) Maybe it would be easier that way, if everything were just to end altogether. Maybe if my existence were to fade I wouldn’t have to feel so awful, so depressed. (In my personal opinion, I don't really think you need to add this last sentence. I think it would be fine to just leave your final sentence as "Maybe it would be easier that way, it everything were just to end altogether." By ending that way, it makes your reader wonder why the narrator feels this way. It makes your audience curious about the narrator's feelings, emotions, past experiences, and life in general. Therefore, we are almost more interested by your story. However, if you end your paragraph with what you originally put; "Maybe if my existence were to fade I wouldn't have to feel so awful, so depressed." we immediately find out why the MC feels this way. If you take out that sentence I think it would be a bit more helpful. Your piece would become more mysterious.)

But then again, what about everything I’ve ever worked for? Even though so many people have lied to me and let me down I’ve still gone a long way. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I may have been so close to the finish line, but I never made it all the way. (This is good. The mystery continues for your readers. By giving us little pieces of information like you just did, we're becoming even more interested. We want to come to a full understanding of your character. Naturally, humans feel compassion for one another. What you've been doing is placing out a story in front of us and telling us how your character feels. What you haven't completely done is tell us why your character feels this way. I love that! It makes us want to continue reading to find out why your narrator feels this way. Your readers want to come to a full understanding of why your MC feels this way, and what you've been doing is setting up your story in such a way that we will eventually find out at the end. This is excellent. It adds to the tension and hook of the story. I know I sound totally confusing and I probably don't make much sense, but what you're doing is very good. Great job!)

Maybe I’m a failure, or I’m simply the impatient type. Either way, I feel like I’m losing myself, losing any piece of sanity that I once had. It’s k illing me. No one around me is being supportive right now and it feels like there’s a big hole inside of my chest that’s sucking away any emotion except for pain and sadness. (I like how you add more emotion in this paragraph, but in a way, I almost think it is not needed. The paragraph, I mean. The way your next paragraph begins is good. I think you could take out this section, perhaps. )

I can barely breathe. My body feels stuffed (maybe use a different word than "stuffed". I don't know, I just think it's a little awkwardly placed. Or maybe use it but just re-arrange the words.) and it’s difficult to see through tears. I guess I know why people give up now, because it seems a lot easier to just throw it all away than to go another minute suffering. It’s , waiting. Waiting for the world to decide if you’re good enough or not and if what you’ve dedicated your life to was worth all the effort you’ve put into it.

I know what I am, I’m afraid. I’m too much of a coward to hear what they’ll deem me as, to hear that my friends have given up on me, and to be forever labeled as a failure. Is the thought of winning worth all of this? Will the prize I’ve had my eyes on for so long be enough to repay what all I’ve done to get there? (This is good. Your narrator has a weak point that she/he openly displays. Your readers can now relate even more to your MC.)

No one knows how selfish I am and how desperate I am to get this over with. “It’s the answer to all of my problems,” I say. That’s what I tell myself over and over to get myself to do it. I’ve never told them how strong my desire was, nor have I ever told them that sometimes what I do makes me fall apart. Sometimes I feel like my body’s made of glass, like it can easily be shattered by just one wrong move. Other times I feel like my insides are going to burst from all the throbbing, all the emotion I force to well up inside me and transfer to my fingertips. (You use so many creative, descriptive words. Good job!)

I’ve come so far and fought off everything from criticism, to logic, to , and to just the plain facts. But I guess these high stakes are what makes the reward even more desirable. Maybe this is why so few dare to take this path, because they can’t handle giving up every ounce of their being to their craft.

Still, many have risked it all for the slight chance of honor and fame and riches. I suppose I’m like them because even though it kills me to wait for the world to fall and for time to freeze all around me, I continue. Why? Because I am a writer and I am willing to give everything I have for the prize.

Overall:

What I love about this piece, is that it is very honest. There are no boundaries, no masks concealing emotion, no hiding in shame. I love that. Your talent in creating descriptive passages is excellent. I loved the part about your narrator's insides bursting open. It is a feeling that you describe very well. As your reader, I could feel and experience the emotion that you described. I also loved how you wrote how the narrator bottled up all this energy and emotion inside, and how it was transferred to their fingertips. We immediately now that you are speaking about a keyboard (or pencil). Therefore, we know you are writing about a writer. It's great that you could tell us that she is a writer without actually saying "she is a writer". Fantastic job!

There's not much about this story that I can ask you to change, because almost everything about this piece was excellent. I love your writing, you most definitely have a lot of talent!

You deserve an extra large round of applause! *claps hysterically*

PM me if you have any questions!

Always,

Forever.