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I didn't like clingy girls. I didn't like the way they chased their boyfriends like puppies and complained about every little thing. I didn't like how it seemed as if their voices were stuck in that high pitch screech forever, like they held it too long and now it was permanent. I hated the way they started caring so much about their boyfriends that they completely forgot about themselves and started coming to school in slacks and the bedhead dread. But most of all, I hated their vulnerability; how when they lost their cool they did one of two things. One, they would have a defense wall so high a ladder seemed small or, two, they would break so much the opposite would occur: the Britney shave. No, I'm totally just kidding but you get what I mean. Don't you?
Well, call me hypocrite Janie because that is exactly what I am. A clingy girl. The clingy girl. The girl you see coming down the hall with those bizarre eyes and you immediately move out of the way. The girl who with the screechy voice and bedhead. The girl stuck on Gabriel Dennings.
"Gabe!" I complained by his locker. He looked especially cute today, his hair half covering his eyes which were the prettiest light blue I'd ever seen. He was wearing the jacket I'd helped him pick out at Hollister and jeans that were, well, in one word awesome. But this was bad. Bad, bad, bad. I wonder how many girls had looked at him today. Flirted with him...
Without thinking I felt myself seething at the thought of pretty miss Annabel and her hand smoothing over the muscle on his arm.
"Hello?" Gabriel bent lower so he was looking me in the eye. "Earth to Janie? Why did you yell my name?" He shut his locker, hard. He wasn't happy. "And what's this I hear of you threatening Annabel Lewis?" I thought of the blonde miss America, her long pedicured nails and extensions-
"JANIE!" Gabe waved his hand in my face before rolling his eyes and brushing passed me. "Whatever."
"Gabe WAIT!" I almost fell over Todd Richardson before knocking petite Penelope into the next century. "Gabe," I said breathing hard, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm just a bit, you know, worried that, well..." I stopped him and twiddled with his zipper, "If you look this good everyday someone will notice." Oops.
"Oh, so I'm supposed to be Mr. Invisible huh?" He shook his head. His beautiful dark head. "You know Jane, I used to like you. A lot. So much that, well..." His voice faded as he shook his head again. Uh-oh. "Anyways, I just don't know who you are anymore. Besides creepy...and testy...and," he shuddered, "Everywhere."
I felt it coming like the mighty Katrina. But no, I could prevent it. I know I could. "But Jake...I can change!"
"No Janie," he said, "It's over."
And that was it, the beginning of the end...well, until Dylan came.

well, in one word: awesome.

There should be a colon.

Bad, bad, bad.

Not needed.

Overall: I think the story is very cliche' and short. You should give us more backstory about the main character, have the story start earlier. And you should highlight on the MC's low self of steem, since it's obvious she has it, because of her paranoid about her boyfriend cheating on her.

Hi, this is my Critique (it is in bold - so you can read it all through with my recommendations easily). Enjoy

Anonymous-A wrote:I didn't like clingy girls. I didn't like the way they chased their boyfriends like puppies and complained about every little thing. I didn't like how it seemed as if their voices were stuck in that high pitch screech forever, like they held it too long and now it was permanent. I hated the way they started caring so much about their boyfriends that they completely forgot about themselves and started coming to school in slacks and the bedhead dread. But most of all, I hated their vulnerability; how when they lost their cool they did one of two things. One, they would have a defense wall so high a ladder seemed small or, two, they would break so much the opposite would occur: the Britney shave. No, I'm totally just kidding but you get what I mean. Don't you? I really like this opening paragraph, I think it's very catching. However, it doesn't really set the scene to well, in my opinion, but I shall read on...
Well, call me hypocrite Janie because that is exactly what I am. A clingy girl. The<in italics I think would be better...> clingy girl. The girl you see coming down the hall with those bizarre eyes and you immediately move out of the way. The girl who with the screechy voice and bedhead. The girl stuck on Gabriel Dennings.
"Gabe!" I complained by his locker. He looked especially cute today, his hair half covering his eyes which were the prettiest light blue I'd ever seen.<I really like the description in this sentence He was wearing the jacket I'd helped him pick out at Hollister and jeans that were, well, in one word awesome. But this was bad. Bad, bad, bad.<that is really unappropriate, unnecissary... I wonder how many girls had looked at him today. Flirted with him...
Without thinking I felt myself seething at the thought of pretty miss Annabel and her hand smoothing over the muscle on his arm.
"Hello?" Gabriel bent lower so he was looking me in the eye. "Earth to Janie? Why did you yell my name?" He shut his locker, hard. He wasn't happy. "And what's this I hear of you threatening Annabel Lewis?" I thought of the blonde miss America, her long pedicured nails and extensions-
"JANIE!" Gabe waved his hand in my face before rolling his eyes and brushing passed me. "Whatever."
"Gabe WAIT!" I almost fell over Todd Richardson before knocking petite Penelope into the next century. "Gabe," I said breathing hard, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm just a bit, you know, worried that, well..." I stopped him and twiddled with his zipper, "If you look this good everyday someone will notice." Oops.
"Oh, so I'm supposed to be Mr. Invisible huh?" He shook his head. His beautiful dark head. "You know Jane, I used to like you. A lot. So much that, well..." His voice faded as he shook his head again. Uh-oh. "Anyways, I just don't know who you are anymore. Besides creepy...and testy...and," he shuddered, "Everywhere."
I felt it coming like the mighty Katrina. But no, I could prevent it. I know I could. "But Jake...I can change!"
"No Janie," he said, "It's over."
And that was it, the beginning of the end...well, until Dylan came.

I liked the description you have here... Although, I think it's a little to Cliche and I think you need to work on the story line a little bit better. I did enjoy reading it, but I think you need to establish the characters more.
I don't know whether you were going to carry on with this or you were just posting it for o reason whatsoever, but I think if you wrote a little more of this (because, who's Dylan?) then I think people can fully understand it...
Overall it was OK. I think you seriously needed to fully establish the characters to get your full potential.